A GOLD MINE FOR PSYCHOLOGISTS
The problem of fathers and children has always existed, but today it has been taken up by commercial psychologists. The problem has ceased to be natural and has become dependent on a commercial approach.
Since bad luck is my friend, I certainly could not avoid the worst case scenario. Bad luck has made me strong and able to survive any unpleasant situation, but that seems to be the only advantage, apart from making my life interesting and un-boring. Interest, however, is specific and as if "descended from above", but I believe we are not all free in our choices, although psychologists of course would condemn me for such a statement
Of course, I myself am guilty of trusting psychologists with something that could not be trusted to anyone, but as it turned out it could have happened without my initiative. The fact is that it did happen and as Carnegie advises, "when life gives you lemons - make lemonade out of them". I am following this idea. This lemonade might be called "Harmful Intelligence."
Many years ago, on the recommendation of psychologists, my daughter "went with the trendy flow" created by psychologists and stopped communicating with me? refusing me as a mother. Not "how are you or happy birthday, mom!" Nothing.
I learnt about it by accident from far away person. Psychologists recommend doing this unilaterally. It's better for the clients they serve. As one psychologist explained, "I don't chain anyone to a chair - the clients themselves come to me and ask me to help them. And I help." Unfortunately, not all sides are satisfied....". I am exactly that side.
So, my daughter went through their whole scenario. Together with a counsellor behind my back, they analysed me and concluded that I was very harmful to my daughter. They identified me as an power greedy and controlling mother, who as a consequence is an abuser. My daughter learnt to understand this, then to accept it and finally forgive me for the harm done, which they found out behind closed doors, and then my daughter let me go, i.e. freed herself from me and my influence. (One girl told me that this process took her 5 years of work with a psychologist). We had a longer process though and even the American police were involved.
One day my daughter sent me her notes in social network and there I saw why it takes years for adult children to forgive their parents. I was shocked by what I read then. Not only did I not recognise myself in her description, but that also was not the person I knew as my daughter. This was the product of psychological influence or "help" as psychologists define it.
Sometimes young children are helped when they bruise themselves on furniture, "My poor baby, I'm so sorry. That awful table got in the way of my little girl who wanted to run in the wrong place. Let's beat it up so it won't hurt you next time." Anything can be used to make a child feel better about what has happened. This is a technique my daughter learnt. She's always been a good student. And with the "table", i.e. my image, she's been doing it for years. Below is one of the most gentle. Why am I reading this and why am I analysing it? I like to think things through. There was a time when we did it with my daughter, both of us involved in the process. Then it turned out to be wrong kinds of relationship.
According to some psychologists, and I think so too, after being on a psychological forum carrying a role of an "abusive mother", psychological Separation leaves children under-separated, because "letting go of the mother" unilaterally is not a "finished process" and it continues in different forms.
GOD OF WIT AND INTELLIGENCE
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I grew up in an atheist country. Many, if not most, people of my generation did not believe in God. We grew up in a country where it was dangerous to believe in anything but the Soviet Party. Some people believed in God, but they did so in secret.
COMMENT.
I was never an atheist. I always believed in a Higher Power. I had an interest in religions and the concept of God, and we discussed it with my daughter.
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My friend told me that she was baptised as a baby by her grandmother. Secretly, of course. This was 40+ years ago in Moscow, where she grew up. The Soviet Union as a country was strong then. So, she was baptised, but nothing else was done. No one talked about God or explained anything to my friend as she grew up. And then the Soviet Union fell apart in the 1990s. She was a teenager by then. She became curious about religion, and one day she went to see what was going on in church. I asked her, what is the point of baptising a child and then not explaining anything to her about the meaning of the process, religion or God? She wasn't sure either.
I grew up in a similar family, only I was never baptised. And I was never interested in religion during Soviet/post-Soviet times because I emigrated when I was only 15. My encounter with God happened very unexpectedly and without my will. That's a whole other story.
COMMENT.
Yes, it was my idea, taken from books, but while I was studying and analysing what was real and what was false (as I usually do), my daughter took it sincerely, until she could see for herself all the falsity associated with religion. Of course, not without my help. But God or a Higher Power and religions are not the same thing
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SO CLEVER...
Now I want to tell you about another god that I, my generation of people, and our parents grew up on. I have dubbed this god "God of Smartness and Intelligence". I would say he is similar to the Aryan identity or the pure German race that was thought of as a god during the Nazi's World War II. Germans had pale skin, blond hair and blue eyes. And we Soviet people are all for being smart and using our intelligence.
God, I've been stuck with this god for so many years! For most of my life, I suffered from this painful condition where other people's words and whole sentences got stuck in my head for years. The words of friends and family members played over and over in my head like a broken record. For years they would get stuck in my head because I couldn't make up my mind how I felt about those words. Something about most of those stuck words bothered me, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Some of the hardest phrases that made me feel really bad over the years were (translated into English): "Oh, but she's so smart...." (referring to me). Or, "Look, A. your son is so smart....". I've heard these phrases so many times from my uncle.
I don't think it's possible to convey the whole tone of this phrase in English, because in A merica people don't worship the god of intelligence the way we Russians do. It wasn't just a phrase, it was a rebuke or a reprimand. It was the first part of a sentence that went something like this: 'It's strange that she behaves like that. After all, she's so smart.'"
That phrase 'She's so smart' stuck in my head for years. It bothered and disturbed me deep inside, on a subconscious level. As I grew up, I started using the same phrase when I thought about all my relationships: my own children, my husband, the kids I worked with at school, my mum when we were still in a relationship. Again, this thinking has been on a subconscious level for years.
COMMENT.
Psychologists help people explore what is at their subconscious level. This can be a never-ending process.
But there may be another reason for this change in attitude in our case. When my son-in-law started "a war "against me, I couldn't figure out what was going on and, as usual, used my detective logic trying to come up with theories that made sense. One was suggested by a collegiate friend of my daughter and her husband who knew them both. He said that my daughter was 10 times smarter than her husband. In such cases, husbands try to belittle their wives and keep them from development. It made a lot of sense. He was an American.
According to another version, my daughter's uncle or my own brother, having come under the influence of his last wife, was imbued with the idea that I was "too smart and can be harmful".
This wife tried to avoid my interaction with my brother and later he tried to save my daughter from my harmful influence. No wonder my daughter has such unpleasant feelings about the words "being smart".
EMOTIONS
I didn't even realise how much I was affected by such thoughts until I started practicing mindfulness. I would say the path to mindfulness in this case started with the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Most of my life lessons usually start with a book of some sort.
This book literally blew my mind. What? Emotional intelligence? What the heck is that! You see, when I read this book in my early 30s, I had a very vague idea of words like "emotion", "emotional". They were not part of my vocabulary. That is, I was aware of the existence of these words. I had encountered them in books, heard people use them in words and sentences. And yet I was vaguely aware of what they meant.
I grew up in a culture where people were not in the habit of talking about emotions. In my family, the word "emotion" was frowned upon and the display of emotion was severely criticised. My mother disliked any display of emotion from her relatives, and especially from me, because we had been close to her for many years.
COMMENT
The eternal scapegoat! My main American psychologist, Henry Reed, had high status and was very knowledgeable, but I kept telling him that if nothing was done, my daughter would think the same as her husband, who knows how to take advantage of people and who made me a scapegoat for his own issues. That is understandable! It's only natural to want such a scapegoat. I tried to prevent it with the help of a psychologist. It was a big mistake.I should have dealt with the problem myself. Henry's vast knowledge generated mostly ideas of power, control and love. What I predicted about my daughter happened. I had a smart idea, but I didn't act smartly by trusting a specialist.
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My mum specifically taught me to suppress many emotions, believing them to be useless. I grew up hearing her talk about her hatred of emotions and feelings. For years I practised suppressing my emotions and lived in complete belief that emotions were useless. By suppressing useless emotions, we exercise our will to power.
Because my mother did not talk about good emotions, I imagined deep inside myself that most emotions were useless. Again, for many years I did not realise this. It wasn't until I was an adult that I read this book. Eventually I started working with children in school, mostly special education and autistic children. I was amazed at how much people in American society talk about emotions to their children.
COMMENT
"By suppressing useless emotions, we exercise our will to power" Really?
Daughter's words about me have nothing to do with the truth, but how nice to have a "table" that can't answer, that can't object or defend itself. Psychologists know what is good for a person. One of my psychologists, intelligent and sincere, used to say, "Those who operate with emotions are good manipulators," and I believe this to be true. It is true that in the Soviet Union people did not discuss their emotions much and did not explore them much openly, but it does not mean they did not experience them. But, its also about that "table"
Russian psychologists were almost aggressive if I shared my thoughts rather than my feelings. Recently I read the phrase "anger with love" and I keep trying to understand the psychological explanation behind these words.
THE NEW BELIEF
At the time I read the book Emotional Intelligence (I was in my 30s), I would have rated my own emotional intelligence as that of a 10 year old child or even younger. I was out of touch with most of my emotions after years of practising, not feeling them. My long and painful journey of getting to know them was just a beginning.
As I worked on getting to know my emotions and feelings, my relationship with the God of Mindfulness and Intelligence began to change. When I began to read and practice mindfulness in earnest, I was able to look at the words about smartness that had been bothering me for years, not from inside my head, but from the outside. Eventually they loosened their grip and stopped bothering me.
I realised that I no longer believe in the God of intelligence and intellect. I also don't want to use my overbearing will. I'm sorry Mum, I have disowned the God that united us for years. I now believe in the God of emotions and feelings.
What about the renunciation of the mother herself?
COMMENT
and psychologists substituted a mother figure for me. I have to be happy, but I do not
I think it's true that in America being smart is not that important. A person doesn't need to be smart to be successful, which is a high value, and they can feel good about themselves. American mentality is useful in many ways, but still I like Russian or rather Soviet mentality more. And I am sad that my daughter is no longer an intelligent, kind and honest person, but a slave of her own emotions and feelings and other people's ideas about them.