A GOLD MINE FOR PSYCHOLOGISTS
The problem of fathers and children has always existed, but today it has been taken over by commercial psychologists. The problem is no longer natural and is dependent on a commercial approach.
Since bad luck is my friend, of course I could not avoid the worst case scenario. Bad luck has made me strong and able to survive any unpleasant situation, but that seems to be the only advantage, apart from making life interesting and un-boring.
Of course, it is my own fault for trusting psychologists in something that you shouldn't trust to anybody, but it could have happened without my initiative as well. The fact is, it did happen
As Carnegie said, "when life gives you lemons - make lemonade out of them." I follow that idea. This lemonade could be called "Smartness".
Years ago, at the recommendation of psychologists, my daughter "went with the flow" and stopped communicating with me. And gave up on me as a mother. I learnt about that by accident. Psychologists recommend doing this unilaterally. It's better for the clients they serve. As one psychologist explained, "I don't chain anyone to a chair - the clients themselves come to me and ask me to help them. And I will help. Unfortunately, not all parties are satisfied....".
So, my daughter went through their whole scenario. Together with the counselor behind my back, they discussed me and found me very harmful to my daughter and power and control obsessed mother. Daughter learned how to understand it for different reasons, then accept it and forgive me for what they discovered, and then my daughter forgave me. (One girl told me that this process took her 5 years).
One day she sent me her notes and there I saw why it takes years for adult children to forgive their parents. I was shocked by what I read then. This was not the person I knew as my daughter. This was the product of psychological influence or "help" as the psychologist defined it. Sometimes young children can be helped when they bruise themselves on furniture, "My poor baby, I'm so sorry. That awful table was in the path my little girl wanted to run in the wrong place. Let's beat it up so it won't hurt you next time." Anything can be used to make a child feel better about what has happened. This is a technique my daughter learnt. She has always been a good student. And she deals with “ a table” by years. Here is one of many, the least hurtful. Why do I read that and why do I analyze that? I like to think things over . It was time we did it together with my daughter both getting involved in a process. Then it came out to be wrong. New generation against that process my former daughter writes
THE GOD OF SMARTNESS AND INTELLECT
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I grew up in an atheist nation. Many if not most people in my generation didn't believe in god. We grew up in a country where believing in anything but the Soviet Party was dangerous. Some people did believe in god, but did so secretly.
(I never was an atheist. I always believed in the Higher Power. I had an interest in religions and the concept of God and we discuss it with the daughter)
My friend told me that she was baptized as a baby by her grandmother. Secretly, of course. It was 40+ years ago in Moscow where she grew up. The Soviet Union as a country stood strong back then. So, she was baptized but nothing else was done. No one talked about god or explained anything to my friend as she was growing up. And then the Soviet Union fell apart in the 1990s. By that time she was a teenager. She got curious about religion and one day went to see what was happening in a church. I asked her, what was the point of baptizing a child and then not explaining to her anything about the meaning of the process or the religion or God? She is not sure either.
I grew up in a similar family, only I never got baptized. And I never got curious enough about religion back in the Soviet/post Soviet Era because I immigrated when I was only 15. years old. My encounter with God happened very abruptly and without my will. It's another story altogether.
(Yes, it was my idea from book reading, but as I was studying and analyzing what was real and what's fake (as I usually do) the daughter took it sincere, till she could see on her own all the fake things connected to religion. Sure, not without my help.But God or Higher power and religions are not the same)
SO SMART…
Now I want to talk about another god that I grew up with, my generation of people as well as our parents. I christen this god as a God of Smartness and Intellect. I would say it’s similar to the Aryan identity or the pure German race thought of as a god during the WWII Nazi period. The Germans were all about pale skin, blond hair and blue eyes. We, the Soviet people, are all about being smart and using your intellect.
Gosh, I was stuck with that god for so many years! For most of my life I suffered from this painful condition where peoples' words and whole sentences would get stuck in my head for years. Words from friends and family members would play again and again in my head like a broken record. For years they kept me stuck because I couldn't decide how I felt about these words. Something about most of these stuck words bothered me, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Some of the toughest phrases that made me really sick for years were (translated to English): "Oh, but she is so smart.…" (referring to me). Or, "Look Anna, your son is so smart.…". I have heard those phrases so many times from my uncle.
I don't think it is possible to convey the whole tone of that phrase in English, because in England people don't worship the god of intelligence the way we Russians do. It wasn't just a phrase, it was a rebuke or a reprimand. It was the first part of a sentence that went something like this: 'It's strange that she behaves like that. After all, she's so smart."
That phrase "She's so smart" stuck in my head for years. It bothered and disturbed me deep inside, on a subconscious level. As I grew up, I started using the same phrase when I thought about all my relationships: my own children, my husband, the kids I worked with at school, my mum when we were still in a relationship. Again, this thinking was on a subconscious level for many years.
COMMENT
Psychologists help people explore what is at the level of their subconscious mind. This can be a never-ending process.
But there may be another reason for this change in attitude. When my son-in-law started a war against me, I couldn't understand what was going on and, as usual, I used my detective logic to try to come up with theories that would make sense. One of them was suggested by a collegiate friend of my daughter and her husband who knew them both. He said that my daughter was 10 times smarter than her husband. In such cases, husbands try to put their wives down and keep them from developing. It made a lot of sense. He was an American.
Another version was that the uncle of my daughter or my own brother, getting under influence of his last wife get the idea that me “being too smart can bring harm”
That wife tried to avoid my communication with my brother and later he tried to save my daughter from my harmful influence. Not surprise, that she has such a mess feelings about words “being smart”
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EMOTIONS
I didn't even realize how much this kind of thinking affected me until I started practicing mindfulness. I would say the path to mindfulness in this case started with the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Most of my life lessons usually start with a book of some sort.
This book literally blew my mind. What? Emotional intelligence? What the hell is that! You see, when I read this book in my early 30s, I had a very vague idea of words like "emotion", "emotional". It wasn't part of my vocabulary. That is, I knew these words existed. I had encountered them in books, heard people use them in words and sentences. And yet I was vaguely aware of what they meant.
I grew up in a culture where people were not in the habit of talking about emotions. In my family, the word "emotion" was frowned upon and showing emotion was severely criticized. My mother disliked any display of emotion from her relatives, and especially from me, because we had been close to her for many years.
COMMENT
Forever a scapegoat here! My main American psychologist Henry Reed had a high status and was very knowledgeable, but I kept telling him that is to do nothing, then my daughter would do the same as her husband, who can use people for own benefit and who made me a scapegoat for his own issues. Is it understandable?but something I tried to prevent with the help of a psychologist. But his huge knowledge can produce mostly ideas of power, control and love and what I predicted, happened. I did have a smart idea, but did not behave smart, trusting a specialist
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Mother specifically taught me to suppress many of my emotions, believing them to be useless. I grew up hearing her talk about her hatred of emotions and feelings. For years I practiced suppressing my emotions and lived in the complete belief that emotions are useless. By suppressing useless emotions, we exercise our will to power.
Because my mother didn't talk about good emotions, I imagined deep inside myself that most emotions were useless. Again, for many years I did not realize this. It wasn't until I read this book as an adult. Eventually I started working with children in school, mostly special education and autistic children. I was amazed at how much people in American society talk about emotions to their children.
COMMENT
That has nothing to do with the truth, but how nice to have “a table” which cannot respond, which cannot defend itself. Psychologists knows what is helpful for a person. One of my psychologists, who was smart and sincere, used to say “those who operate with emotions are good manipulators” and I believe that is true. It is true, that in Soviet Union people did not discuss much own emotions and did not investigate them much. Many people however did not approved the the process of thinking and I was criticized often for my habit.
But the Russian psychologists were almost aggressive if I shared my thoughts and not feelings
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THE NEW BELIEF
At the time I read the book Emotional Intelligence (I was in my 30s), I would have rated my own emotional intelligence as perhaps that of a 10 year old child or even younger. I was out of touch with most of my emotions after years of practicing not feeling them. My long and painful journey of getting to know them was just beginning.
As I worked on getting to know my emotions and feelings, my relationship with the God of Smartness and Intelligence began to change. When I began reading and practicing mindfulness in earnest, I was able to look at the words about smartness that had been bothering me for years, not from inside my head, but from the outside. Eventually they loosened their grip and stopped bothering me.
I realized that I no longer believe in the God of intelligence and intellect. I also don't want to use my overbearing will. I'm sorry Mum, I have disowned the god that united us for many years. I now believe in the God of emotions and feelings.
COMMENT
I think it's true that in America being smart is not important. A person doesn't need to be smart in order to be successful, which is the high value and he could feel good about himself. The American mentality is helpful in many ways, but still I prefer the Russian or rather Soviet one. And I feel sad that me daughter is no longer a smart, kind and honest person, but a slave of her own emotions and feelings