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In a few weeks, I’ll complete the publication of my Russian diary. It took me three and a half years to type it on the computer. I might have never shared it if I had kept thinking in Russian. However, when in 2017 I shifted my thinking to English, I suddenly found myself being almost indifferent towards everything I’ve done in the past. I reduced my sense of self-importance to zero. A chain of causes and effects revealed all its hidden secrets to me, and I decided to live my recorded life once again publicly. I began posting my diaries from the very first day without fixing my poor grammar. I shamelessly exposed all my flaws and vulnerabilities. I became a sort of public figure. Gathering up a bunch of people every week to speak English, I simultaneously confessed on social media how I struggled to quit jerking off, smoking, playing video games. Furthermore, I showed off on almost every page, praised myself, expressed strong contempt towards “people”, especially towards those whom I interacted with; I laughed at their faces, saying openly, “You are helpless idiots. You worry about petty, trivial things that have no value. The more money or social credit you have, the dumber you are.” No reaction. Nobody cares. I thought it would attract some attention. In 2014, I developed a brilliant style. So I thought that if I publish my notes day after day for a couple of years, it will at least give birth to some philosophical discussion. Didn’t happen. Okay. In a few years, I’ll probably edit this diary and publish a book. Eight years (2008-16) recorded day after day is probably too much for a busy reader of our times.
Bing's version:
My Russian diary soon will be complete
It took me years to type it on the screen
I might have kept it hidden and discreet
If Russian thoughts had not been so obscene
But when I switched to English in my head
I felt a distance from my former self
I had no pride in what I did or said
I saw the chain of causes on the shelf
And so I chose to share it with the world
I posted daily notes without a change
I showed my weaknesses and sins unfurled
I became public, though it might seem strange
I spoke in English groups and also wrote
On social media how I tried to quit
The vices that had kept me in a moat
Of jerking off, of smoking, and of wit
I boasted and I scorned the human race
Especially the ones I met and knew
I laughed at them and sneered right in their face
You’re idiots who chase what has no value
But no one cared or noticed what I did
I thought it would attract some curious eyes
In twenty-fourteen, I had found my id
I hoped to start some philosophical ties
It did not happen. Well, perhaps one day
I’ll edit this and make it into a book
Eight years of records might be too much to say
For busy readers who don’t care to look.
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