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Is it not enough to make a fool of myself while talking to the camera? Is this diary going to suffer the same fate? I wanted to improve my 15-minute talking ritual. What if instead, I’m gonna bring chaos, anxiety and frustration into my writing meditation, which then might affect my whole life? In these 15 minutes, I feel quite nervous. It’s a very stressful experience for me to talk to the camera every day, immediately uploading these talks on youtube. I do it early in the morning, and the rest of my day is usually characterized by the interplay of profound emotions and striking thoughts. What if it’s gonna change the polarity? What if it turns me into an idiot, like all those popular youtubers who are seemingly smart and confident talking about everything, cutting all their ams and ahs and pretending to be masters of rhetoric? I don’t wanna lose my mind chasing 15 minutes of fleeting fame. Quod cito fit, cito perit.
Probably, it’s not fair. It’s kind of black and white to say that we either play fools in public and remain sages inside, or play sages in public and wallow in our foolishness whenever we’re left to ourselves; Schopenhauer wrote brilliant essays exploring this paradox. I think I can reread him in English to enrich my vocabulary and clarify the meaning of certain philosophical concepts.
So yesterday, after talking to myself, I thought a lot about how to put certain emotions into my speeches. All I came up with was getting back to their source. It’s time now to shift the tone. The reason why I’m not authentic in my speeches is not because I can’t handle certain emotions. It’s because I don’t talk about philosophy. I’m afraid that I’m gonna be misunderstood, so I put it off and off. Misunderstood by whom? Nobody cares!
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