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I wanna use this diary to support my 100-day commitment. I wanna connect my writing and speaking practices. I often notice that I write about one thing and talk about something else. My writing is more private, whereas my self-talks go immediately on the internet, so I usually avoid talking about many things I put down here. I have to erase the boundaries between private and public. Whenever I speak to the camera, I wanna be as open as I’m open in my thoughts. There is nothing to fear more than my own stupidity. I have to be merciless while dealing with my “true self”. I have no “self”. What the hell am I afraid of? Am I afraid of seeing a fool who has no idea what he’s talking about? Am I afraid of seeing a fragile person who pretends that he is strong, independent and, in a sense, omnipotent? Am I afraid of losing my self-image? In fact, it feels like my thoughts, and whatever conversations I have in my mind, are quite distinct from the superficial talks I record on the camera. It feels as if inside my mind I were a fucking genius with limitless memory, attention and imagination. I have spectacularly rich linguistic experiences, observing few-hour-long trains of thought almost every day. Always new, always transformative, always inspiring, always promising—they make me feel so fucking great; however, when I begin to talk, I always see a damn fool! I lose all my mental power! I turn into a lunatic who can’t, without embarrassing himself, put together two simple sentences. Why? Why can’t I be the same person here and there? To be sure, in my diaries, by enlarge, I write clearly and like what I put down on these pages. I don’t claim that I’m completely unhappy with what I say, and especially how I say it, when I record self-talks. I’m puzzled by the total lack of feedback. I understand that there are countless videos made by professionals and uploaded on youtube every day, so there must be a reason why people should prefer watching my videos instead of those. I, myself, wouldn’t waste time watching my own videos! Am I that deluded?
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