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Wrote her a letter yesterday. Didn’t send it, of course. It may be a good piece for a book. Letters to A. The reason I started writing the letter was a kinda hopeless mental state. After playing video games, I went for a walk. As I got back home, there was such tremendous grief that the only way I could get rid of it was projecting my thoughts onto the paper. I wanted to talk to her. It was quite helpful to have this imaginary dialog.
My problem now is that I’ve lost a genuine desire to do anything. I don’t wanna learn; I don’t wanna work; I don’t wanna do anything. Nothing brings me satisfaction. I know it’s gonna be stabilized soon; so the games and silly movies is just a way to kill time. However, when I play these damn games, I exacerbate my depressed mental state. Why do I behave like a fool? Why do I complain about what has happened like an old woman? It was necessary; it was inevitable. Now, it’s time to recover self-control and do something to bring back my personal power.
There is a desire to focus on work and do it as if nothing happened. Then, if I’m not able to let her go in half a year, I’m gonna make another attempt to build a relationship with her. She is a bitch: extremely selfish, narrow-minded, capricious – why the hell can’t I let her go? Only because of that stupid oath? Yeah, she is a bitch, but she is talented, quick, ambitious, witty. Anyway, if this idea of trying again may help me focus on work and get rid of all sorts of psychological disturbances, I’d like to take it into consideration.
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