12829
Reread this diary from 12743 on. What was the purpose of being together all these days? When I left her at the end of September, I felt better than I feel now. Maybe it was because I wasn’t sick? Yesterday, I tried to look at it from an optimistic perspective, which made me almost happy. Today, I’m lost again. Sometimes, I think I’ll never see her again; sometimes, that she was such an amazing girl; sometimes, that I may bring her back. Do I need to bring her back? Damn it! She needs someone who’s gonna satisfy all her desires, give her money and tell her all the time how beautiful and smart she is. Although we had serious problems with communication, the main reason this relationship failed was sex. The lack of experience in these matters over the previous six years, as well as physiological problems which I have no idea how to solve, made me almost dysfunctional. I think her desire to communicate with her ex-boyfriends is the result of my inability to satisfy her in bed. Holly shit! I can’t express my thoughts with this bloody English. I know why I felt better the last time we broke up. I was writing in Russian and saw clearly what was going on. Now, I put down so much nonsense just because I don’t have certain words and concepts to describe what’s going on in my mind. Should I use Russian to recover my strength after the breakup? I wanna use Russian and say all sorts of things I can’t say in English.
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