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On Saturday, when I came home after the club, I had a high temperature and got sick. Spent three days in bed. Now, it feels better, though I’m in a sort of depressed mood. All these days, I’ve been thinking mostly about A. On Saturday, she wrote me, asking whether I was going to do anything about our situation. A week before, she sent me many insulting messages after I said that I needed solitude, after which I didn’t write anything back. She accused me of not trying to solve our conflicts and moralized by referring to my promises, etc. I said I had no desire to talk to her as if nothing happened. She asked me to tell her if it was over. I said it was over. Hopefully, this time it’s really over. There is no way to handle this relationship without self-sacrificing, and I’m definitely not ready for this. She doesn’t need me; she needs a slave. She doesn’t need my attention; she needs blind approval. She doesn’t need love; she needs obedience. I don’t wanna blame her for that. She‘s smart, talented young girl who’s gonna find what she needs. We simply don’t match each other. I thought time would reconcile our differences, but they only became sharper. Whatever I tried to do, it didn’t work. In the end, it was never enough. Perhaps, it was doomed to failure from the very beginning. I allowed her to treat me like shit, and then there was no way back. I have to admit that I’m still attached to her, and I would give a lot to be with her, but I have nothing more to give. She expects to get something from nothing; demands love without shame, moralizes like J. Peterson, constantly blames me for all her problems and does nothing or very little to make this relationship work.
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