Çà çëî íàäî ïëàòèòü ïî ñïðàâåäëèâîñòè, à
çà äîáðî — äîáðîì».“ — Êîíôóöèé
- See, when people don't know what to expect, they think the worst, that's human nature,-a new relative Asya taught my daughter -Unfortunately. All relatives assumed that since your mom is sick, she made you sick too, and that the way she brought you up is that she didn't make a good human being out of you.
"HEALTHY" RELATIVES
Not a single relative, starting with my ex-husband, had ever cared how a child lived with a sick mother. Her father told his 15 year old daughter that he had no daughter in order money would leave a new family and would not upset his new tough wife.
Unlike me, children from his family grew up with loving and caring parents, but they did not grew up like them. Asya remembered my daughter as a kind and warm being and wanted to find her. When Asya saw our relationship, she told me how lucky my daughter was with her mom!
Then she got under the influence of my son-in-law and started to spread nasty slander about me. New generation of her own family did not treat their parents well. Parents did everything to sent their children abroad, however for a long time children did not take them out of broken Soviet Union to Canada or America, because they did not have money. Parents from Tashkent sent them stuff to USA and Canada. When I was by them they prepared school note-books for their grandson to sent to Canada. When children finally invited them a terrible tragedy occurred. The mother was killed. My father in law arrived alone in a terrible depression. His beloved daughters did not take him to them. I think they even did not even visit him.
The woman, who forced her husband to abandon his daughter, his only child. When my father in law died, they wanted to cremate him, but Asya was against it. We organized a funeral and only one of the daughters came. The funeral was terrible. He was just quickly buried in some kind of creepy cheap coffin and a daughter with her husband left back to Canada. These are my "healthy" relatives from my husband's side, who considered me a bad person and my daughter as well.
For me, “moral” health is more important than mental
PROVING OWN ASSUMPTIONS
The fact that my daughter became a nice person, living next to me, as it came out, somehow didn’t give any credit to me. Their assumptions were wrong, but it did not change anything. On contrary, they wanted to prove their assumptions and criticized my daughter, talked bad about me and made her to hate me and eventually she got into the hospital. Then they blamed me for that anyway
They consider themselves -"normal and healthy"
I wanted to be healthy and I got it and I do not care any more about people's opinions, no matter how many of them think the same way.
-But the truth is that your mom is not liked among relatives and because of it you are not either. Everybody think you are the same -Asya wrote to my daughter
That is extremely limited thinking relatives have. And egoistic. Does not it shows the extreme selfishness of a person, knowing that his child, the result of that marriage was left with a sick mother?
Who are the judges, anyway!
-you are absolutely right , that people avoid you just because of your mother...
Not smart people then! but not smart people own the world
I thing that my depression suicide was the only right and good solution for my child. I thought that it’d be bad for my daughter, but according to relatives that was the best mom could do for her daughter.
Interesting, however, what is better for a child- to have suicide mother or mother-Monster which relatives and psychologists created
GALA (my daughter) writes to ASYA
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IMPORTANCE of ATTUTUDE
- I always played a passive role, believed (like a fool) everything people say (and still continue to do that), and in general tried to be good to everybody. . But, as you know, many relatives still don't want to have anything to do with me. And you know, I think my attitude might have been different if my close relatives (like my grandma and my dad) instead of putting my mom into mental institution and telling me ("you mom is sick, she went to hospital"), would instead explain to me that my mom is a sick person and I have to be patient with her and try to behave, it would've been much more beneficial for me. But that couldn't happen of course, because they themselves have the wrong attitude towards her. They labeled her crazy once and for all and don't think that a person's behavior depends a lot from the way other people treat and respect him.
I think I would also go crazy if my relatives treated me this way.
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And exactly that happened to Gala when her husband treated her badly and didn't let her to communicate with mom and she was all alone there in a new place
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- I am trying to say that my mother's sickness got worse, because of the way relatives treated her. And there are plenty examples of this happening to other people that my mom saw and continue seeing at her work
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And that is also true as attitude of my daughter Gala, during our life together brought a lot of good changes in me and I could say goodbye to the sickness
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- Asya,I don't know why, but it seems like in Russia the main occupation of our family was spying on other relatives, spreading rumors, revenging for everything, fighting endless, meaningless battles, etc. After living in America for a few years you realize how different life is here and if you are not totally poor, you can make life very interesting here, since there are so many things to do, to see, to learn.
MOM's GOAL
- That's what my mother is interested in now. Her goal is to try to cure herself of her illness (not with regular medicine, of course. Not after they "treated" her with it for so long in Russia. She is for alternative medicine) and to be a normal person and to be useful to other people. So, she tries as much as possible to avoid dealing with relatives in order to achieve it.
Anyway, for some time now after I got married she is concentrating on herself trying to heal her body and mind. Her objective is to try to live a peaceful normal active live in order to avoid ups or downs of illness. I really really hope she will succeed, because now she lives alone and it would be terrible if she goes down and there is no one next to her to reassure her.
JOINING NORMAL RELATIVES
Well, then Gala joined relatives -normal people in their thinking And similar to them she started to use mom for her own benefits, using lying and slander for that without any hesitation. They turned her mind around. Commercial psychologists helped them with that a lot. Soviet mothers and truth-lovers are kind of people psychologists don't like and recommended to stay away from them
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- My mom is described in your writing as an evil, a monster, a devil herself, -continued Gala, - And here I am suddenly describing this monster as an almost regular mom with human feelings and reactions. What a contrast! Really, Asya, I am not lying, my mom is not a monster. She is just a little bit sick (after all, her depression is not schizophrenia or one of those mental sicknesses where a person presents a physical danger to others). With the right way of life (yes, WAY OF LIFE, not "treatment" as doctors think) one would never guess there is anything wrong with my mom. OK, our relatives, mine and my father’s, consider her a devil, right? But why then is my father considered a normal father after saying that he doesn't have a daughter? That's OK for a father to do?
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A few years later under normal people's influence Gala started to see her mom as an Evil and a Monster
ABOUT OBJECTIVITY in MOM's STORY
- That story is an account of what happened in Russia concerning me, my mom, my Dad and other relatives. The story is not a secret; that's the whole idea of it, how can you search for truth if you conceal something
The question is how can my mother's story is objective. Well, when my dad says something about us (my mom and me) he is angry at my mom and he makes up some things or exaggerates, how else can he convince people how terrible we are. But this story my mom wrote for her psychologist, there's no reason for her to lie to him, just the opposite. She was trying to present the story as objectively as possible, so that the specialist may help her. That's one. And two, the way to find the truth , as I said before, is to get other opinions on the same topics.
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COMMENTS
Well, relatives refused completely to participate in that because it’s much more convenient to stick to own vision no matter if it is true or not, no matter if the lives of your daughter and granddaughter is somehow depends on it. Well, now when Gala joined that way of thinking truth is something for her to stay away from.
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You know Asya,it’s hard to believe how many things are different in the versions of the stories that the relatives present and in mine that I heard from my mom. Someone is bound to be lying, right? Why would my mom lie to me? First of all, she never-ever lies, which is not good, that's why she gets into many fights and scandals like all of truth-seekers. But besides that, she is not angry at her husband, she is not afraid of him, why would she lie to me? Whereas my dad is very-very angry and scared of her). These 2, anger and fear, are very intense emotions, so of course he would think up horrible stories about her, or at least "priukrashaet" the stories in order for other people to see my mom from his point of view.
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Is that not objective thinking Gala adapted from her sick mother?
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The question is whether I think, if my mom is faultless if now so many people including my own husband dislike her. Have I ever said that I think she is faultless. Yea, maybe it sounded like that. No, I agree she is not faultless, and her character is VERY VERY difficult for anyone, and it's hard to live with her at times. One thing, though. I lived with her all these years. I wouldn't say we lived "dusha v dusha", no, we have arguments and fights many times; but overall, I remember those years as HAPPY years.
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my life with my normal and healthy mother was not anything close to HAPPY years! NOW Relatives tried to leave Gala without Mother and making her HAPPY Years miserable. They used the fact that she has bad memory for past events and she was easily change her opinion. They blocked my influence and succeeded taking revenge-Normal behavior indeed
ANONIMOUS WAY
That statement was send to me by son in law using his usual way-no any signature, anonymously, with Gala's handwriting on envelope...
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For the first 27 years of her life Gala basically lived in her mom's reality. She had a hard time distinguishing between her and her mom's reality. Her mom talked a lot with her .about how Dina sees reality, and how she expects the world to respond to her. She has a very different reality from many people. Gala was slowly absorbing that reality. She was very close to her mom, she helped her in fighting against injustices of the world, against relatives, etc.
COMMENT
Although Gala was already married for 5 years (she married at 22), her husband still had problem with my reality and could not accept his wife as independent person. Its so surprising how people pay so much attention to external things instead of internal. Its not surprise for son in law though as he was a " mama's boy" all his life and even married, he remained under mama's supervision
-At 27 (after life in abusive marriage-my comments) Gala went through a tremendous life change. She ended up in psychiatric hospital with a serious case of mania and delusional psychoses. Yes, this type of bipolar was even more serious than the one her mom was diagnosed with in her youth, Bipolar disorder I.
COMMENT
Gala lived with her sick mom for 22 years and she did not get sick, but living with her husband and with relatives influence in only 5 years she got that problem!!! Interesting fact! but nobody is willing to consider it. Bipolar disorder has an essence of Bipolar-double polarity. In a psychic of my daughter her mom was not an easygoing person, but at the same time Gala knew that mom always protected her, she always could take her problems to mom and find a solution
Here is her description of mom.
" My mom always tries to help others in any way she can. She is also a great mom. She is a good person and generally likes to help her relatives, but unfortunately her relatives have labeled her as “bad” and do not give her the opportunity to prove that she is a good person. When I have problems, she always tries to help and find a way out of the situation, and never answers with impersonal standard phrases: life is complicated, what a pity, etc. My mom is an interesting person. She is full of ideas, full of life.."
COMMENT
A few years later after communication with relatives and psychologists Gala's opinion changed to opposite, became as theirs. She started to hate her mom, herself in the past and her past life with the mom, exactly what relatives wanted/ People, considered themselves healthy and normal created hatred in another person and got satisfied
What a strange behavior
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SON in LAW CONTINUES
Since the time Gala left the hospital, Gala's and her mom's realities started to diverge. Or rather, mom's reality stayed the same as it was 20 years ago. It was Gala's reality that started to change. As the years went Gala's personality and reality is changing. Mother keeps waving Gala's letters dating 15 years or older asking everyone," Where is that Gala? SHE was the one who could reason! The Gala now cannot think for herself at all! "
- The process of changing was a slow, very very slow one for Gala? -he continued?-A lot of factors went into play for Gala to realize that she was living in her mom's reality for most of her life, and if she continues to do so she stands a big risk of loosing her husband and never figuring out who she was.
For many years before moving to Pennsylvania, the main people who tried to influence Gala were her husband, her uncle, and Gala's cousin in Canada. Incidentally, those 3 people are the ones that Gala's mom seems to hate the most. She seems to think THEY were the main reason she lost "her'' daughter.
COMMENT on INFLUENCE
...and for Gala loosing her mom. The story of me and my daughter shows very clearly how easily people can create a Monster from someone to satisfy own Ego. All those people who influenced my daughter had problem with their own mothers. They did not feel comfortable seeing good relationship between my daughter and me. Probably envy was their guide to destruction. To be honest, my daughter resisted to it for a long time, but eventually accepted it and did "go with the flow"
Influence of the CROWD. Its not easy to resist Crowd. Probably until she felt my influence , she had power to resist. That is why relatives as well as phycologists use the same approach. They influence a person one to one, without allowing another opinion or perspective to get involved
When it was only my relatives doing their dirty job "behind my back" I could handle it. But then psychologists joined them the same way-it became more difficult.
I did try to create fair situation to discuss things in psychologist's presence.
Unfortunately, psychologists (those I dealt with and it was a lot of them) are not able to be neutral. I discussed the topic of neutrality with them a lot. They bring in situation their own attitude based on knowledge they got from books and, of course, their own life experience and their attitude. They are not able to do it another way.
They cannot be neutral towards both different positions and be those who just clear that up , bringing up things for everybody to see- kind of like
PSYCHOLOGICAL COURT
It should be like that--different party should prove their statements, supporting them by Real Life Facts. Only real Facts should be consider or discuss. Not people's emotions or personal assumptions. Proven Facts. Goal is to find out the Real Truth. Need a logic to be involved. Commercial Phycology suggested that stupid statement "Everybody has their own Truth" and everybody joyfully repeat it, using a cylinder or an elephant seen by different people from different points as a proof of a statement. They just confuse the concepts of vision or opinion with the The Truth. The Truth is only one "That is a Cylinder!"
But people usually prefer "To go with a flow"...That is understandable, a human being needs safety and support of others!
However there are other ways exist
EXAMPLE of PSYCHOLOGICAL COURT
I have an example for that, although a little bit funny.
In the beginning of our "relationship with son in law" I asked my psychologist Henry Reed help. At that time I did not know much about commercial psychology and trusted Henry a lot. He was so Big Guy-a professor of some spiritual university, an author of many books and specialized in Jung psychology in Germany. People listened to him with open mouth. GURU!
It was impressive. So he told me to stay temporary away from my daughter's marriage. In reality it was fraud. It was not temporary. He worked with well known separation, but at that time I did not know that. When I realized it and of course told him everything, he recommended me to find another psychologist, which is very popular solution psychologist recommend in such situation...
Òàê ÿ è ïîøëà "ïî ðóêàì", trying to fix , what Henry destroyed. And I really had a chance, but I did not use it. It was a Huge Mistake I pay now for.
So, marriage of my daughter got broken anyway, while I did stayed away from it under supervision of Big Guy. I really followed all his recommendations.
Problem with psychologists that they approach problem with relationship between two sides working only with one side, so they miss the real Truth
Its True, because Henry put a lot of his energy and my money to fight my attachment to Real Truth. Although a marriage of my daughter got broken by their own reasons (that was written by my daughter) the responsibility my son in law put on me , very smartly using Henry’s recommendation to stay away from their marriage
The interpretation of my son in law was like that: by staying away I sent my daughter a message:” I or your husband is your choice, which made her upset and that, affected their marriage in a bad way”
Recently psychologists started to say that interpretation of a fact is more important than the fact itself.
O, boy! That is really horrible
But at that time I called son in law to us for talk. He said that my fault on breaking their marriage was 55%. We started to discuss the real stuff and real facts, trying to get the Truth as Real Truth is consistent with itself. In the end my fault dropped to 15%, which was fair enough. On contrary to his prognosis: “If your mom comes, we would never get back together”, they quickly made a peace
I had to use the moment and make my own rules for their marriage. Instead I ignored the fact that he did not not say “Hello!”, when came to us. I wanted to be free from that person, thinking that he also wanted the same
BUT
The experiment of ‘Psychological Court” and funding The Truth was done and result of it was successful