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When I got back home after conducting the club and recording a podcast, A felt quite terrible. We had dinner, talked to each other for a couple of hours and finally she got better. Although a few times we touched on sensitive topics, I was able to handle it without losing self-control. In the morning, she flew to X to buy a house. Now, I’m gonna be alone for the next week or maybe even more. I have no idea where our relationship is gonna move in the future. When we have conflicts, I tell her that I don’t wanna be with her and we criticise each other too severely. I can’t bear to be all the time with her. Moreover, the lack of real communication makes me frustrated. It’s so distracting! Our conflicts do not allow me to focus on whatever I’m doing, making me awfully superficial. I need this bloody solitude to clear my mind, to learn to think deeply about life. In contrast with the previous year, I’ve hardly read anything since we started dating. Half of my mental energy has been wasted on thoughts and talks that I find totally useless. On the other hand, there were many things, like, for example, deep insights into love and new levels of self-awareness, which I wouldn’t reach in a hundred years by sitting in lotus, reading books, watching lectures, meditating or engaging in superficial talks with people at the speaking club. I also had to divide my attention between studies and work. Probably, if she wouldn’t have complained too much, it would have been okay. I like working, but when I feel like a slave, when she treats me like a slave whose only goal must be to do whatever it takes to support her, this is something that I can’t withstand for too long.
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