12806
Yesterday, after the club, I had a really positive mood, which later helped me reach peace with A.
She didn’t let me go home to check whether I’m gonna be able to sleep well without her. We spent about three hours being nice to each other, then argued about the causes of our last conflict and finally reached peace. Yet, it haven’t solved our problems because she still prefers her imaginary ideal of me to reality; she doesn’t want intimacy; she doesn’t really understand why I’m ready to leave her at any moment when it comes down to fighting. She believes that I’m either a remorseless, stone-hearted man or a fool. If I don’t understand how it affects her feelings when I make a decision to leave her without intending to get back just because of a little fight, I’m a fool. If I understand it and still want to do that, I’m a remorseless piece of stone. She brings this up all the time, this promise that I made, “never leave her and love her forever.” Then, she accuses me of creating conflicts without any reason. Then, she complains that I tell her two contradictory things. When we have a fight, I tell her that I’m ready to leave. When we make peace, I tell her that we’re gonna stay together forever, getting through all troubles. The problem is that there is no way to let her know that most of the time, or at least very often, it’s she who creates these damn conflicts, and I don’t have any other means to settle them down except by leaving her or by admitting that I was wrong, which is equivalent to lying. I mean, sometimes I’m wrong, and I’m ready to admit that without too much pressure, but I can’t be always wrong, can I? She, on the other hand, believes that she’s always (damn it, always!) right; or at least, she almost never tries to reach peace, puts all “responsibility” on me, and accuses me of making her feel miserable, angry and frustrated.
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