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I’ve totally lost my sleep. I guess it happened because of my transition to English, the 100-day commitment and the relationship with A, which is falling apart. I have too many thoughts bothering my imagination when there is no sensory input.
A regrets buying into whatever was going on between us from the very beginning. She nourishes the belief that I’m a useless, lost little boy. She is so blinded by her fantasies about what a decent life should look like and what it means to be a “real” man. She ignores everything that is good in me, whereas a certain part of my personality, which, I’m not gonna deny it, is awful, represents for her all there is. So there are literary two different versions of me, and in her world, I’m a damn, silly, boastful, philistine. All my attempts to change that only reinforced her belief. After two weeks of being extremely attentive to her mood and wishes, I end up hearing from her fantastic, unrealistic accusations of being rude, selfish and constantly wrong; and this is exactly at the moment when I need her attention and support.
Now, I must be very careful not to make her change her mind. She is determined to break our relationship up and waits only until she moves out of Kaluga. I expect it may be extended to an entire month. Next week, she travels to X to buy a house, and after getting back, she will probably go on a trip she planned a month ago. So we’re not gonna see each other much of that time. Although it’s possible that our breakup and her leaving may awaken certain emotions in me, which would compel me to do something to win her respect and love, I wanna banish any idea of “the second chance”. She’ll never be able to understand me, never. How could she be so blind and mistaken? A big ego? Too much self-centrism? Foolishness? Destiny?
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