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After I had shifted my thinking to English, the relationship with A has been deteriorating. I’m not sure whether or not there is a real causal connection, though. On a surface level, it looks like I’m no longer capable of tolerating any shit. The further it goes, the most obvious it is that I turned myself into her slave. She is totally absorbed in her personal world and refuses to see anything that doesn’t fit it. She blames me for creating conflicts, saying that I’m a little kid who wants to attract attention by “ruining her free evenings.” She blames me for “gaining self-esteem by putting her down.” She constantly attacks me for not working, not carrying and not doing any good. This is funny—so funny that it’s hard to hide my laugh and maintain a serious countenance while she does it. By her idiotic behavior and naive, innocent rationalizations, which she believes are “real” and “right”, she’s destroying the last pieces of whatever I felt toward her earlier. She is such a great example of a person who “lives in the present moment.” I think I’m losing a lot by not studying her as I was doing in April. To focus on work, relationship and personal development while there is such an amazing opportunity to do interpersonal psychology, is unjustifiable. Yesterday, I said our main problem is that I don’t wanna be with her but try as hard as I can to do everything to make her happy; whereas she can’t break her attachment, is dependent on me, and doesn’t give a damn about it, pretending that she loves me. She said I was wrong. She said I deliberately hurt her feelings. She said she didn’t run after me, but it was I who promised “eternal love,” etc., etc. When I say, I’m ready to break it up right now, not seeing any other solution, not being able to withstand such a treatment, she bursts into tears, blaming me over and over again. She likes to see only the good side, which for the most part is only imaginary. When she confronts reality as it is, she can’t do anything but rationalize it or withdraw.
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