PROPACONDOMS
PROPACONDOMS (nighttime bullshitters) — a derogatory nickname has emerged to describe the people hogging Russian TV screens. PROPAGANDON (Russian spelling), which literally means “progagandist-condom”. The term usually refers to journalists who spread state propaganda. Propacondomism and bullshitting (also known as Zombie TV and the State brain-washing machine) are flourishing in the Russian mass-media for years which leads to debrainification, loss of appetite, heavy drinking, and finally, the complete mental and physical degradation.
NAVALNYSM (to navalnyze) — propacondoms use this term to avoid mentioning a real person, Alexey Navalny, an underground Russian politician and anti-corruption activist. The name itself freaks them out obviously due to symptoms have listed above. Nonetheless, navalnyzation is ongoing, the more propacondoms are trying to degrade the more people are being navalnyzed.
NOVICHOK (novichoking) — a Russian chemical warfare agent, prohibited by the all international conventions but still in use. Russian secret services were novichoking to defeat navalnysm for years but failed so navalnysm as well as nazism (in «unliberated» part of Ukraine of course) are pretty much alive.
ORTHODOXIA — unlike orthodoxy, a true religion, orthodoxia is a very serious mental disorder, a total replacement of science and common sense by ignorance and dogmatism. It has many possible complications and side effects like an orthodox alcoholism for example.
NYASH-MYASH — sounds like a Japanese «Nya» (english «meow») but it’s a 100% Russian word. An officialy registered Natalya Poklonskaya’s nick. Natalya Poklonskaya is an ex-head of the Prosecutors’ office of Crimea both under Ukranian and Russian administration, Defender of the Faith, and the official peacemaker (supporting «special operation» and peace for Ukraine simultaneously). A typical victim of propacondomism and orthodoxia.
LUGANDA (Lugansk + Uganda) — a jargonistic word, Lugansk people’s republic’s disdain nickname intended to emphasize the current situation there. Uganda, an African country is notorious for one of the bloodiest dictators ever, Idi Amin who ran the country in the 1970’s pushed it into poverty, repressions, and complete devastation. As a person Idi Amin had a full house of virtues: cannibalism, polygamy and paranoia so LPR chiefs and their Kremlin bosses still have room for improvement.
HOW NOT TO SURVIVE IN CRISIS BUT LIVE, INVEST, HAVE PLEASURE
Crisis has come. This is already here. You can hear it, you can feel it, you can fear it. But don’t! Let’s put all the causes of this crisis aside, just leave them for politicians and military guys because our goal is different: how not to fear it! This is our special operation, this is our goal, this is our war if you want (we can call it war, there won’t be a 15 years imprisonment, right?), this is what we do today!
Does anybody feel the pinch already? Depression? Desperation? A total breakdown is looming on the horizon? Are you not holding out much for the future? That’s right. That is what's happening now. Stop it! Don’t be despare! Start looking beyond the horizon and holding out so much for the future!
Since hundreds of businesses left Russia and dozens of companies keep leaving you are loosing your jobs. The first thing you do is finding a new job which is logical but bearing in mind that a job market is getting tighter the task seems to be tough. Updating profiles and upgrading CV’s then sending them out take just a few minutes so waiting for a phonecall watching bad news on TV and sucking on a bottle of beer is not a good idea. Invest your time wisely. Turn off the TV and go online. First and foremost you have to start learning saving money, reining in spending and buying the bare necessities. Making money is essential but you’re unemployed now so you can’t just go around anymore wasting it left and right thinking: «This is the end of time, my doomsday has come so I’m gonna cut loose».Do you know that 90% percent of people have no idea where 20% percent of their salaries go? There are hundreds of online cost-cutting courses, visual training aids, youtube cut taxing videos even. Start cooking! Forget about a fastfood breakfast and a vending-machine lunch! Bars and restaurants are restricted now! Thousands of cooking courses are available online as well and since you’ve been unemployed combine a simple healthy food with workouts. Everything will do you good: cycling, yoga, jogging, and dozens more exercises you can find on the Internet, everything that costs peanuts but makes your body great. Dont’t forget about your mental health and education, just remember all those things you were putting on shelf for years: read a new novelle, watch that movie you heard so much about, start learning English at last. Don’t draw it out anymore! Improve yourself professionally, try to master a new computer programme for example, acquire new skills and abilities.
Let’s talk money again. Making money means saving money so what to do with my deposits, how to save my saving accounts? Where to invest and how to convert? Dollars and euros, real estate, gold, cryptocurrency? Take your mind off these things for a moment. What are the most precious things in the World to invest? It’s you! You, your family, your friends and your time. This crisis is your time! Maybe this is a golden opportunity to rethink and redefine yourself? The best moment to venture crazy projects like a rock band which lead singer you were in college, a great chance to reunite with your old friends and make new friends if you are lucky? Spend more time with your family, invest money and time in them. Really, invest in your wife or husband, spoil them a little bit, and in response, maybe they’re gonna be willing to try all those kamasutra positions you dreamed about? Build a house, plant a tree, make babies! Don’t blow this opportunity, you may regret if you do, financial crisises come and go but there is the crisis which is going to haunt you to the rest of your life, the crisis of failure.
You won’t fail, I’m sure, this crisis will make you stronger, smarter, healthier, sexier, happier than you’ve ever been, this crisis is your time!
MINIONS
Minions have been living since the dawn of time. They had appeared on the planet long before any prehistorical creature we know. Small, yellow, spiteful and nasty, genderless and greedy ones, all of them are different but all of them have the same cosmic goal: serving the evil. Have you still not recognized them? Just put all your things aside then, and go to the nearest cinema to know more!
So, who are they, or I should say: what are they? The are small yellow energizers, who aimed to implement our insane ideas, desperate wishes and secret desires, which are frequently absolutely unrealizable in reality. Who invented a nuclear bomb? Minions did! Albert Einstien just put forward the idea about releasing energy from tiny atoms but it was small yellow despicable creatures who realized his concept into action. As a result, the World was about a nuclear Armageddon. Who arranged a revolution in Russia in 1917? Minions did it, again. Two German beerdrinkers and sausage lovers, Marks and Engels plus Lenin — bald and lazy penguin-style chatterer just were playing with theories for ages but a crowd of minions demolished the old World overnight. As a result, our planet had been existing in the state of a global confrontation for about seventy years. Serving the evil, there is nothing to do with that!
Everyone of us has a minion inside, a small battery which is getting outside the most terrible thoughts and wishes from the dark corners of our minds: jealousy, greed, getting what we want no matter what the cost. This minion never gives up and never backs down. Minions are our sins, but these sins is what is forcing us to go forward, and creating of something bad is the first thing we do, the passion for destruction, a built-in function to seek and conquer. That is a human nature: serving the evil. We call it a progress, inspite of that, a competition, which has built the modern civilization and this is what continues making progress. We never could do it without our minions. The most important thing is to learn how to control them, who is the master of your wishes and desires: you or your minions? That is the cosmic question.
I still haven’t pursuaded you? Put all your things aside and go to the nearest cinema!
***
Honey, I need something…
You wanna a pickle again?
I don’t know… But do something!
Ok, I’m gonna find a pickle again…
10 years later…
Daddy, daddy, look, I wet my pants! Again! (with a delighted voice).
Again? Mary, you should have learned to stop doing it, it’s no good!
But it smells good, daddy! Like a ginger pie! Smell it!
I don’t wanna Mary!
Daddy, please! Smell my pants! Smell my pants, smell my pants… (Mary begins crying)…
Daddy, help me with my geometry, please! I don’t understand parallel lines! Please! And explain me about triangles! I know circles but triangles sucks!
Stop cursing, Liza! Ask mom to help you! You see I’m busy with Mary’s pants!
Mom’s working. She’s got a new student again.
A new student again… (hopelessly)… She should have stopped producing daughters again and again! Help me with Mary’s pants, I’ll help with your geometry.
I hate stinky pants! Mary pissed them oll over again.
Stop cursing, I tell you!
Dad, dad! Check out the beauty I have brought! It’s in the hall!
Oh my God, Kate! Where have you been? It’s about 11PM now!
I’m telling you, I’ve brought a new one! Come on, Dad! Let’s go and check it out! (Kate’s pulling Dad by his sleeve)
Another puppy, or kitty, or what?… We have 3 kitties, and a dog, and a full tank of fishes….
It’s mom’s fishes… I don’t like them! (Kate and Dad went away)…
Goodness Kate! What is it?
It’s my new boyfriend! He’s sweet, isn’t he? I don’t know his name, whether he’s drunk or got some high, he’s mumbling something… He’s so nice! Dad, you have to fix him up for me!
To fix him up?… Kate, are you in mind?
Dad, you can fix everything! You always do it for me! Please! I want him! Look at his face! He’s smart and sophisticated, and funny. What if this is my destiny?
A new boyfriend’s body in the corner is burping and mumbling something, then it’s releasing saliva from the mouth.
You see? He’s alive! It means he can be fixed!
Kate, we have to call to his parents or to police! They will take him away!
Daddy, please! Don’t let them take him away! Just fix him up! Then we could set up a party to know him better… A tequila party! I miss tequila, really… (sighing sadly).
Kate, you’re 15! What are you talking about?! A boyfriend, a tequila party!? What kind of stuff have you already tried??? Sex, drugs, what else?
Maybe I would try sex with this guy if you fix him up. He’s so vulnerable… Like a puppy… Daddy, please!
Liza and Mary come in. Mary has no pants, crying. Mary stops crying immediately and looks at the body in the corner with a great surprize, keeping her forefinger in the mouth. Liza turns away her nose from the body, making a «sour face» and says:
Ew… Kate’s new boyfriend is an alcoholic again! He smells like a pub!
Liza, how do you know…?
It’s not the first time, Dad! All of her boyfriends are the same! But this one is an imbecil besides, saliva is coming out, you see, Dad? And in addition, he’s got a boogie in his nose and his pants are unzipped! Have you kissed already? (to Kate)
Shut up Liza! It’s not your business!
I’m not gonna kiss with a drunk and stinky idiot! My boyfriend’s gonna smell like a ginger pie!
You don’t have a boyfriend at all and you’ll never have one because you’re fool, Liza!
You fool, Kate!
What? I’m gonna show you who’s a fool here!
Kate and Liza grab each other and start fighting.
Meanwhile, Mary’s climbing up to a new boyfriend’s knees and playing with his nose and ears.
Daddy, he smells so good! Like my pants, like a ginger pie! He wet himself too! (with a delighted voice).
Kate and Liza keep figting.
It’s enough! Dad grabs Kate and Liza by their collars and separate them. They keep spitting, cursing and name-calling.
Enough!!! Keep your corners!
Then he takes Mary away from the body and slapped her butt (very light).
Mary, go and find new fresh pants!
Daddy, I can’t! I wanna play with the boy! (with a crying voice).
You can! Go!
Mary went away, crying.
Liza, go to mom and ask her to help with your geometry hometask as I told you before. Your mother’s good with triangles.
Dad, mom’s working as I told you before. She’s got a new student again.
Mom’s got a bunch of students but I can’t keep just one tiny boyfriend? It’s unfair!
Kate, where did you get this trunk? (Dad’s pointing at her «boyfriend»)
In the pub, just two blocks away…
You’re going around pubs!?… We’ll discuss it later! Now, call a taxi and give the driver the adress or the name of that goddamn pub! The bartender will take care of him! Get this stuff back where you got it! Go!
But Daddy…
No objection!
Ok, I’m dialing…
Mary appears, wearing the same wet pants and crying:
Daddy, I can’t find fresh pants… I wanna pee again! Can I go to the mom’s room and pee over her new student?
That would be great… But later! Now, Liza, turn Mary’s pants inside out to make them fresh and bring your goddamn geometry!
Daddy, stop cursing!
Kate, what about the taxi?
It’s coming Dad…
Move this body into the car and send it back! You will deal with that, You’re strong as your mother, damn it…
Daddy’s cursing again…
Daddy, my pants are wet again (crying)….
Dad, It’s unfair to send him back, I want my boyfriend again…
Don’t start it again! Everybody has a task now… Girls, just be good again!
10 Years later…
Honey, I need something…
You wanna a cigarette again?
I don’t know… I’d rather go and read something… «Pride and Prejudice» again…
Ok, honey let’s go, I’ll help you with the translation…
I don’t need a goddamn translation! (with an angry voice). I just wanna read it for a while again…
Ok honey, do it again!