Live your life so as not to say at the end of the way
that the life was not yours.
Introduction.
Things don't always depend on us. Sometimes circumstances evolve in the way that you cannot change anything. That is what happened to me.
Life made me face different difficulties, made me believe in myself. I was told: never look back, for you will be ahead no more; there will be a person to leave you behind!
I started working at a young age. Life turned out to be full of surprises; some of them were not as pleasant as we would like them to be.
Each day tested my limits, while I was trying, making efforts, lived with my heart in my mouth, fell in love, fell down, but never forgot to get up.
I thought the fairytale was over, but it was only the beginning.
My story began like that…
Spring is my favorite season. One beautiful spring day, it was raining. I love spring for its air, freshness after rain. This is where I find inspiration.
After the rain, the freshness it had left to us, I couldn't help but go for a walk. Yet, as always.
Wandering around the city and listening to Vivaldi concertos, I forgot about all my problems, was in love with everything I saw: the people heading to the unknown; the children running from the playground to their mothers; the students going out from the university and hurrying to the last bus. I fell in love with every little thing I saw. Everything seemed so innocent, pure, special! If only I could stop the time, to leave everything as it was! If only…
There was a book shop near my house called “Keremet”, which means “a dream” in Kyrgyz. A book “La vie en rouge” by Vincent Ouattara, part of his civil series, attracted my attention.
I stood by the bookshelf looking at the book, when a girl assistant came up to me saying:
“A work full of dark and light colors, if I can say so.”
“I will definitely read it, you have intrigued me,” responded Aruke with a smile.
“No matter how many books we have read, how much we have seen, but when we find something new, we would always consider it beautiful, even if it is far from the reality,” the assistant said.
“Every day is like a clean sheet of paper, isn't it? You choose how to draw and what colors to use,” Aruke said.
“The same color will lose its zest in a moment, and you will look for something new,” the assistant continued.
“You are right,” Aruke smiled.
“Sorry, I have to go now. Be sure to read it, you won't regret,” the assistant bid goodbye, smiling back.
“Thank you!” Aruke looked after her.
After some time
– Having read “La vie en rouge”, I was trying to digest the meaning for a long time, but I was having a rough ride. I was pestered with the question: is it necessary to go against somebody's will?
Why curse your own child? Is somebody else's opinion more important than a child's well-being? Why give someone in marriage to someone 10 times older? Could such marriage be happy? I felt so sorry for women…
I wanted to say so much about this work. Everything tightened inside me. Despite what happened to her, I thought it was the most beautiful “journey” in her life. She broke the wall that had been built for ages. She became the one who was not indifferent to her own life, and the moment she lived turned out to be the most important. To be honest, I cannot imagine parents curse their child; after all there is their blood in his veins. A child is what is most expected and so terrible to lose. Perhaps, I forgot to take into account the cultural and spiritual assets of that time. Maybe, now we have other values and other circumstances?
I came to that shop several times, but never ran into that girl assistant; I didn’t even know her name. I wanted so much to tell her what I felt when reading the book, and what that book had become for me.
Back to the beautiful days, and still to the future
I remember hanging on to the TV set when I was little. My mom used to scold me for that and say that my eyes would hurt… “Daughter, don't watch it, please!”
I stood before the mirror and repeated the words they said in the TV, cried and laughed. My father would say: “not a child, but a miracle”. When people asked me what I would be in the future, I said that I would be an actress.
Time took its course, and there was nothing left from the little girl constantly running from one room to another. We grow up and gain something, and lose something…
And the dream remained a dream, never getting a chance to become a goal. My life turned upside down, and I started working. I changed one job after another… That was how my days went by, or, more precisely, flew at the speed of light.
I was doing two jobs. One job was my cup of tea, while I loved the other for the atmosphere and the people around me. One young man, Marlen, worked with me. It was so easy to talk with him that we did not even need words! It was enough to look at each other, and he understood what I felt. He was the first to give me a friendly hand and helped me to overcome all the difficulties at work. It wasn't so easy for me: they demanded to much from me, and sometimes it felt to be impossible. However, no matter how difficult it was, I didn't notice it, for it was funny and interesting. After a long working day, Marlen and I were going back home, we went in the same direction. Sometimes we walked in the park talking. He was my repository to whom I could confide my inmost soul. It is not easy to find a person who would understand what you say and what you want to say. It is one thing to listen, but an entirely different thing to understand.
He said once: “Don't drown in the world you've created; recovery will take a long time! Learn to take the broad view, to think deeper!”
“What does it take for a person to reach his goal?” Aruke asked looking straight into his eyes and smiling amiably.
“Sometimes all it takes is faith to become what you really are,” Marlen responded.
“Only faith?” Aruke asked incredulously.
“Effort also has a significant part. Perhaps, it is the basis…” Marlen replied with a puzzled look at Aruke.
“So that's it,” Aruke walked on, having slightly lowered her head and thinking over the words. She spoke after a few minutes.
“Marlen, I'll take the chance. I hope to succeed. If I don't try, I will regret it all my life.”
“Get into the desired at least for a moment. I believe in you,” Marlen said looking into her eyes and smiling contently.
“Thanks!” Aruke said.
Having come home, I thought a lot about everything that was happening. Do I steer my actions and thoughts towards the right direction?
Responsible and the most anticipated day at the same time
Today is a very important day for me. I decided to try my luck and enroll at the academy of theatre arts. I thought I would lose myself after my parents died… But I managed to find the strength, pulled myself together, gathered my wits, although much time was wasted.
The creative presentation exam begins soon, and I'm already running late. My anxiety knows no bounds. It seems to me that time has stopped, that I am not moving forward, but have been got cornered. There is a mess in my mind, and everything is on fire inside.
There is a big building, large posters before my eyes… Am I in the right place? This was the question I was asking myself. Having gone in, I felt like I turned the page and began to draw again, picked up the brightest colors, and created a fairytale I had dreamt of for so long; a fairytale that I had been striving for all my life.
So many people! Each of them is gifted, each has their own peculiarities, their own zest. I am not to perform soon, but I already feel hungry – it may be due to my anxiety.
There was a canteen on the first floor. The interior was interesting, it was comfortable there, and what a smell! I took a cup of lemon tea and a brownie and sat at the nearest table. After some time, a young man came up to me.
“May I join you?” he asked, smiling slightly.
“Of course!” Aruke replied.
“My name is Chinghiz,” he introduced himself.
“I'm Aruke,” Aruke replied, surprised.
“Why did you choose theatre arts?” the new interlocutor wondered.
“It's hard to answer at once. When I was little, I watched films with my mom. I saw the same actors in many films, and every time I admired their acting, as if I dived into this world with the character, and understood everything he was saying. I wanted to learn how to act like that. I wanted the audience to believe my sincerity and my acting. You know, once I sat with my dad in an arbour talking about everything, when he said: “All the world’s a stage, and we are merely players. If you decided to play, play it well”. I didn't understand his words then, but he added: “You'll not only understand, but you'll see it as well when you grow up”. And the theatre is not only my dream, but also something that always reminds me of my parents, that helps me live. Maybe, this is the answer to your question.”
“And why did you choose theatre arts?” Aruke asked.
“I wasn't sure if it was my cup of tea. After school I didn't go straight to the academy, but decided to set off on a journey, and by no means regret not having enrolled. My mindset and my very self changed with every country, every city, small or big. It was like I was born again. Everything seemed new and unknown to me. I learnt to value my life even more. On my last day in N city, I decided to go to a theatre, where the acting, looks, emotions made me think even more and tell myself that this was my cup of tea, this was the thing burning in me.”
“The search for oneself, for one's own “I” sounds interesting. An actor tries on various masks, and it's hard to guess which one is his own,” Aruke said, smiling and looking at Chinghiz.
“This is why the audience is interested in actors. They can transform: they play a goodie today and a villain tomorrow, and this is their charm and, at the same time, our disappointment. After all, we believe them, bring our character to life, fall in love with him,” Chinghiz responded, waiting for Aruke's reaction.
“You are right, we bear a heavy responsibility,” Aruke continued without noticing anything strange in her interlocutor's behaviour.
“What are you interested in, besides the theatre and everything related to it?” Chinghiz didn't give up.
“I like drawing. I even attended an art school for some time…”
“Oh, did you? And what do you like drawing most?”
“I often draw nature, but in most cases, I depict what I see or what I feel. Sometimes, words are not enough to express your feelings and emotions, and that is when a brush, canvas and paints come to the rescue.”
“I hope I'll have a chance to know your work and you even better,” Chinghiz went on and kept his hopes up to get to know this strange girl better.
“I think we'd better go,” Aruke suddenly interrupted.
“You are right. All we need now to make it a complete flop is for us to come late,” Chinghiz responded, smiling and giving his hand to Aruke.
***
There was a small bench in front of the classroom where the creative presentation exam took place. Chinghiz and I sat there waiting for the results. He sat on one side, and I on the other, both leaning on the windowsill. He was talking about the beauty of the nature, that architecture decorates it even more and, in his opinion, they cannot exist without each other, as it is an addition, a continuation of the story, or its beginning. Listening to him, I thought that he was right and mistaken at the same time. As Henry Lou wrote (translation of Omar Khayyam):
The two were looking – two in one,
One of them thought – “Strange is all”,
The other said – “But here’s my home”.
The first one talked – “The leaves will die”,
The other smiled – “The rain is life”.
One hurts oneself without the sky,
The other’s laughing at this strife.
So getting on, years going fast,
In window looked the two in one.
The first was coming from the past,
While other born from dream of child.
Now I can breathe freely and tell myself that I am pleased with myself. I took a step to something new and at the same time to something I'd been going to for so long, being afraid to fall down and not reach the end. I did it. We did it.
“It wasn't easy, but we did it, and we'll do it again!” That is what Chinghiz always say, telling Marlen about our difficult student days.
Every fairytale has its beginning and its end, but the end is always happy. I cannot promise you the same. Maybe, a great defeat awaits me – after all, this is only the beginning of my path, and maybe – a great flight. But now I am happy. I am not only living, but I am living every moment. The beginning wasn't easy, no argument there, but it was the beginning. I end another chapter with the words my father used to tell me: “All the world’s a stage, and we are merely players. If you decided to play, play it well”.
The end.