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The chunk =101= The message -561-
Ahmed opened his eyes. He had such a long dream as if he had lived a lifetime.
He dreamed of Sarah...why Sarah? He had never met a woman with that name. What an unusual, bright woman...a scientist, a biologist...from some other life. Maybe was it a parallel universe where they're together...and apart? And there, too, the Coronavirus is rampant… How strong he loved her!
Ahmed got up, went into the dining room, and made himself a cup of coffee. He went out on the veranda, where Peppino was serenading the rising sun, breaking his nightingale heart.
Soon there was a long call to “fajr namaz” from a nearby mosque, and the nightingale fell silent. Ahmed went out to his prayer mat. A half-empty cup of coffee was forgotten on the table. A dark drop of coffee trickled down her rounded, shiny white side, like a tear smeared with mascara, down the delicate cheek of a charming woman.
The message - 238-
Hello god!
I lost my path lately, lost my thoughts. My working day became longer again and I feel tired coming home after 9 pm. I chronically have no time, have no rest. My working day is so thick that I sometimes have no time to go to lunch or to make a fast meal in the office, or even to drink my green tea. There are days when I return home with an uneaten food of my lunch in my container and a full thermos with tea. Of course, it is better than to be sitting without work and starving without having money for buying food. And my work is simple, almost primitive.
What I have to do and want to do now, while I am able to earn and save some money, is to collect them for studying. I need to refresh my head in graphic design and step by step to change my direction in life, if I have such an opportunity yet. I should hurry up with it. Who knows how much time I am lucky in the sphere I am working in now. I was able to save money for my daughter's studies. I bought her a laptop for the study process because the home PC is not enough. I feel I have the chance I was waiting for, for myself to study. It is my nearest goal. Thank you for giving me the chance again.
The message - 239-
12/06
All those men...I didn't find even one suitable for me yet. The single one I consider as a fine one is deceptive in his silence and I feel is not one I ever would trust or rely on. He lives for himself as I feel. Other people are nothing for him. His own complexity is more important. And his family, son, that is a part of him, he is an owner as I guess.
Japanese...I feel disgusted looking at photos of him he sends me from time to time. On the whole, he is sympathetic, has fine dark eyes, and looks good for his age. But I cannot accept him and I cannot tell him directly about my dislike of his appearance particularly. I would not want to hurt him. So I hide, delete the photographs of his face as soon as I receive them. On the whole, this man is pleasant but has many problems with his family and self-consciousness that were caused by his childhood.
The sculpture, the coffin master...it would be funny to think about anyone of all the men I met lately as a partner.
Appropriate one was Kaoru only, but his nervous state, I felt, is too masculine, too Japanese, too rude in my point of view. I could hardly tolerate his such temper, although he is maybe interesting, I am not sure about it. When people spend so much time together, they come to the point when they have nothing to tell each other. It's time to figure out if they feel happy being two in silence or are indifferent to one another and all their interest was in selfishly expressing all that garbage they had for the other.
I am plenty sure all those men have not regular sex. More likely they don't have sex for years. I will be one of those from their party soon :) I am sure however no one of them would talk about it openly. An exception was Samir, a black guy from Spain, he admitted he had been starving without sex for four or three months due to lockdown.
I try to maintain good relationships with my ex-partner. Firstly he became hostile, cold, and silent. But I managed to melt the ice with friendly talks, kiddings. I don't want us to become enemies due to separation. I know how it is hard for him to stop daily sex. He has a very hot nature but is kind. He even offered to pay for my design study. I refused.
Sex...I am missing of tender and softness and warmness of someone's body, not about sex. I miss to embrace him, to lay my leg on his stomach and my arm on his chest, to put my nose in his neck to feel his aroma, to stroke his hair slightly, to press myself to his soft warm, and pleasant body with all my body, to feel his cock is growing in response. It is enough to feel happy with a sweetheart.
Ìàêîòî 23
I made a big decision this week.
I told a woman that I wanted to formally date.
I haven't heard back yet.
Despite the fact that I don't live near here and I can't always stay by my side.
But if you don't say it, you'll regret it all the time.
Even if the result is not good, I wonder if I will give up once.
Until I'm satisfied.
Honestly, another woman told me I wanted to date, but I declined.
There are people I like, but I can't date.
Yes, I have friends, but they are not the target of romance.
For me, love is a reward and I think it's free.
Of course, I also trust and know that I am busy.
I try to keep myself lonely by various means.
If you think you're not alone
Respect the other person more.
I will think more about the situation of the other person.
I promise only this
Even if you tell me not to date, I don't hate you.
You can't hate someone you love.
Please think slowly and tell me your reply.
Have a nice weekend.
Ìàêîòî 24
29/05
I made a big decision this week.
I told a woman that I wanted to formally date.
I haven't heard back yet.
Despite the fact that I don't live near here and I can't always stay by my side.
But if you don't say it, you'll regret it all the time.
Even if the result is not good, I wonder if I will give up once.
Until I'm satisfied.
Honestly, another woman told me I wanted to date, but I declined.
There are people I like, but I can't date.
Yes, I have friends, but they are not the target of romance.
For me, love is a reward and I think it's free.
Of course, I also trust and know that I am busy.
I try to keep myself lonely by various means.
If you think you're not alone
Respect the other person more.
I will think more about the situation of the other person.
I promise only this
Even if you tell me not to date, I don't hate you.
You can't hate someone you love.
Please think slowly and tell me your reply.
Have a nice weekend.
Ìàêîòî 25
30/05
I'm not afraid of change lately.
It may be comfortable if you do nothing.
While knowing that everything might be irrelevant.
I don't need any more conversation on the surface.
I want to have only honest and open conversations.
The worst relationship may end with people who don't think so.
So I'm just talking openly.
To convey my situation.
If you don't need it, you can erase it because it's unnecessary information.
I think I can't be a best friend unless I speak openly.
If you don't need a best friend, please ignore my long letter.
It just misleads you.
Even if they have different opinions and ways of thinking, I want to feel humanity with each other.
Yeah, just like talking to my best friend.
So I don't want to be particularly liked.
If you don't need
I just won't contact you.
If you don't need an internet connection, you can easily finish.
It's easy, though.
This is what I always think.
Ìàêîòî 26
31/05
I look at the presents I got from you every day.
You sent me a surprise.
I was happy when I sent it right away.
For the first time, I sent a gift overseas.
It was the moment I felt your compassion.
The thing you sent is wonderful, but I am happier with that feeling.
Because a present is sent after thinking of the other person
It may convey your feelings.
Yes, the letter you wrote remains the same.
I'm sending photos and videos, I just wish you healed
I don't want others.
It just has to be part of the conversation.
I have the same idea for work and private life, but I tried hard, but when it is useless, there is no choice.
Sometimes there are no results.
See you next time.
I grew up in adversity, so I'm mentally tough, so I can't forget what I am doing.
I think there are times when I want to be healed.
Time is not infinite.
It's a waste of time unless you think people need each other.
You should spend your time on other things.
What do you think?
my short poem
Ìàêîòî 27
31/05
What is happiness? Some people will be happy just to be alive, and some will answer when they are with someone they like. The shape and way of thinking about happiness are different. I think I am a happy person. Usually, people from overseas want to make friends with people from Europe, America, etc. rather than Japan. Some people may not look at Japan. I'm often asked what my future goals are, but I don't have them. All you have to do is live your day carefully. Speaking strongly, I wish there was a moment when you feel happy because I exist. As I said before, the feeling of happiness varies from person to person. There are not many opportunities to meet people. Moreover, there are no more opportunities to get to know people from overseas. I want to be your good understanding person. For the future as well. my short poem
Ìàêîòî 28
01/06
I confessed to my favorite woman, but I was told that there was an important person.
The dolls and letters I just sent are treasures.
Of course, I saw the photos that I used, and they were happy. Please include a letter.
With that said, I would like to exchange gifts with mutual respect and gratitude.
Of course, only people who want to exchange it can do it without thanks to each other.
Also, since the address and mobile phone number will be open, you can not do it without trust.
It doesn't matter if you are married or single.
By the way, I sent it to a friend who took care of me last week. I plan to send another one.
I really want to send it to those who are grateful, so please treat me in the same way as I have been.
I will ask the address of the person I want to send, so please let me know in that case.
Please be assured that I will continue to talk with you even if you do not agree.
If you do not agree, I would be grateful if you could let me know.
Ìàêîòî 29
03/06
It is a suggestion to exchange gifts to convey respect and gratitude to each other. Without respect and appreciation, there is no need for each other.
Ìàêîòî 30
03/06/
I think don't have strong mentally
maybe weak mentally to me
many years before I understood my mentally
usually, many people have needed strong mentally speed a time daily life
I can feel weak mentally person
feel lonely and communicate with anyone often
don't overdo it
I am here
I can understand not strong mentally person
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àäðåñ:
postal code 486-0852
*** banvel kasugai east *-*-* shimoichiba cho
Kasugai city Aichi prefecture in Japan
my name is Makoto ****
I was born in 1963.*.*
Ìàêîòî 31
09/05
first contact start you trust me exchange message here.
because you tell me add.
i am glad recive message to you.
because i am contact you can good keep helthy.
i think we can good keep relationship with us,we can respect with us.
are you same thinking?
of course you are nice person to me.
always i think caring heart send to me.
if you can share with me,
good things and bad things.
of course i understand very far to you.
but always my heart near you.and alway thinking of you answer message.
are you feel my heart?
i hope you feel my heart.
have a wonderful weekend.
sorry mistake my english.
because i am not use translater.
i hope you understand my message
my short poem
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The chunk =102= The message -562-
Ahmed posted a video on his Safebook page with the title "My Budo journey in Japan"... No matter how hard Olga tried, she did not see Ahmed in that video.
Olga searched the Safebook for anything about her Ahmed. There had to be a group of Aikido students in his town! The town is tiny, there could not possibly be many such groups in it.
And she found one! Olga ran into an account of a young guy from that group. After going through his account, she came across photos and videos of Ahmed during the training. Ahmed was suited to the dress: lightweight-judo-gi and dark-blue hakama.
So she saw, at last, Ahmed alive, Ahmed in motion. Ahmed was speaking in the video and...shouting with inspiration, attacking!
The message - 240-
Hello Ahmed!
13/06/2020
I've casually met your photo on Safebook of May 2019 in a company of other samurais. You look fine, but those guys are much bigger than you. If you were wearing a bit shorter hairdo, you would look younger, but your head would look smaller and you maybe would look less clever.
Black is not your color. It makes you older but you are still a good-looking man, nice. I eagerly want to hear how you scream at training.
Thanks to the video on YouTube, it was pleasant to watch both parts of the meeting. But the quality of the videos didn't allow me to recognize you, young in it. There were two European in the master class who were similar to you: one with short hair looking like an ancient god and the other with curly hair. Who were you, I would not say, tend to think that the good-looking guy was you, because you used to be shortcutted in your youth. That guy, probably you, was sitting straightly as a statue of a Greek god gazing at the wrestling, only his hands sometimes made a move. I would like to see his facial expression, but the features were all blurred.
The message - 241-
Chunk =7=
The message - 242-
16/06/20
Hello Ahmed.
My cage is transparent, I cannot see the borders of it, so I often make myself black and blue, often it hurts. When one tries to fly and meets a wall of glass on his way it could be fatal.
More than unseen borders I am afraid of a spectator behind the wall. I always keep in my head that he could be kind or evil, he will not be laughing or caring, only indifferent or he will be annoyed by my attempts. Somehow I always don't expect good.
Goodness...I rarely met such feature in people...the true goodness is not indifference or silence or caring...it is not helping by actions instead of someone, but helping by a fit word or action that makes wonder, that makes people to bright or to flower, or to fly, and always makes them want to live.
I am afraid of a response, I think, but..the absence of a response is a response too.
Why does it happen that I have such fear? I cannot be indifferent to the actions of other people. I feel too deep, some things which even don't touch me I hardly can bear. And I can feel slew by someone's word sometimes. Why? What forces me to feel bad?
They say, actions can speak beyond words, and to remain indifferent or tolerate, or doing nothing is the action itself. Each move of a person is a choice. The choice always tells for itself. So the choice itself can hurt more than words.
To fly means to rise beyond my routine life. I want to feel the beauty of and in my life and in the world as a whole.
What is beauty? Something that makes me want to live. It is True freedom & True goodness & True satisfaction.
True freedom...when one doesn't have any unnatural fears. True goodness...when one is able to find and to accept true words or actions in his heart for or from others. True words are effective helping words, effective teaching words that give the right result. If someone avoids words, uses actions, he is saying by his choice. If he thinks he remains in a neutral position by his choice or no choice, he is wrong.
Sometimes it is better to say something unpleasant to others, it could be a true word than encourage him by a "kind" word or saying nothing. Not only bad words and actions can slay.
The right result makes normal people satisfied by themself: thus they feel happy at that moment. Indeed, solving problems or achieving goals gives happiness. To feel satisfied one should realize the goal. True goodness is to help people to find a true aim and to show the true ways to decide it by oneself.
The matter is I'm, as it seems, afraid of losing my goal, to lose my way. A conversation doesn't come easy if people have quite different points of destination in it. They should make sure they head in one direction, let it be different ways.
I am not talking about any marginal persons who have distorted attitudes.
Again, who defines the "norma"?
Maybe I am not normal...!?
Yes, I am not, if I write such rot and bosh!
The message - 243-
19/06/20
Hello Ahmed!
All I have written here are just thoughts between thoughts. Those ones that were placed here were just luckier. I am too lazy to give a full description of the chaos in my head.
And, look at that, explaining something by words requires other words, some terms, that have once and forever definite meaning. But I think that the borders of each of such terms, even when they seem very simple, it turns out, are difficult to explain in other words. We always cannot be in one stream of meaning because we do not have similar images of those terms in our minds. ... So, I think, it's very important to use the most simple and based words trying to explain something. The more simple and common are words, terms, definitions, ... the more worth of to be said is the explanation, or the describing, or a thought. The most complicated thing is speaking about difficult things in simple language.
Today morning I am oppressed by the behavior of my daughter again. She didn't go to take her documents for her future exams just because... the weather is too hot (25C!). She said she can do it on the last day in two days. If the average weather is able to stop her from heading to an aim, what should I expect when she will meet a serious test of life?
I extracted your voice from one of the videos, made a mix of short phrases cutting all the places with too loud sounds. I am listening to it as music. I understand only two words: "Okay, Arni!". The phrase is so encouraging, comforting, sounding meek...I keep listening to it and repeat it in my head to calm down.
"Okay, Arni!" "Okay, Arni!" "Okay, Arni!" I need consolation. Thank you for existing and having such a voice that is carrying a message to people beyond its mere wording.
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The chunk =103= The message -563-
However, Ahmed remembered that French math;matician with his equations of love in the book “Le jeu de l'amour sans le hasard — Math;matique du couple"!
Ahmed was no expert in mathematics, but a couple of differential equations didn't seem complicated to him and he was able to grasp the meaning.
Olga still sent him her messages on Telegram. This Russian woman laughed at him, ignored him when he tried to contact and made up awkward stories about him. He could make it ineluctable for her to love him strongly.
Ahmed was fascinated by this experimental thought. He calculated roughly how to act and at which moments. He could no longer read the messages because she had deleted them, and in recent months he had looked at them very rarely and remembered almost nothing... And he did not need to: it was enough, and necessary, to observe her quite superficially: the overall picture is most important for the result, not the details.
He realized that until now, even if unconsciously, his random answers had led her to this outcome.
He posted on Safebook:
“Ahmed ****ri
18 June at 23:00 ·
Beginning from tonight, I am planning to post videos that I have designed and prepared, which are related to my journey in Japan.
A journey of almost 15 years that cover studies, research, Budo and Koryu..
These future posts will represent a tribute to my professor and to all my masters, mentors and friends who helped me keep up, quite successfully, with my journey.”
The message - 244-
chunk =8=
The message - 245-
19/06/20
Hello, my silly Ahmed! How are you doing in Algeria? My nice Chaoui is probably going to go to Japan again? I would like to know what is new in his life. But is it important? The environment can change but a person may not. The most significant changes, those I want to know, are those that are inside of my Ahmed. He is at the age when his nature should become a bit different again. He will be visited by new ideas, different from the old he has now, other desires and obsessions. I would like to get to know you better, my dear mister Ahmed...don't be scared.
The message - 246-
Hello Ahmed.
Can you imagine something worse than a crying adult woman? I was watching Departures (Japanese: ;;;;;), a 2008 Japanese drama film directed by Y;jir; Takita. I cannot help crying. So I decided to write this message to stop it. I cannot go tomorrow at work with swollen eyes. I will be forced to apply thick makeup to hide big lids. I would like to know why the film and others like that make me longing so much. Maybe the deaths of my relatives were very destructive for me or maybe I feel my own death at hand. Also, it is familiar to me, the feeling when I’ve lost my way, turned to the thing far away from my dreams and willingness, and desires. The sense when I am a loser. The sense that I am a betrayer of my family and ancestors, isn't worth the life. That I am not talented in something and shouldn't live. But I live instead of them all despite I was the weakest and unhealthy compared to them all. I haven't attended a cemetery for several years to avoid such thoughts. But maybe the real reason that causes the crying is other... I would like to know which of my rotten nerves the movie touches. I must think about that later in sober thoughts.
The message - 247-
21/06/21
Hello, my sunny Ahmed! If the first part was inspiring, then all the rest of the movie I was waiting for an interesting ending but the director decided to make a sweet final that cannot be true. He had to do it because otherwise, the film would be too similar to real life, too near to common livelihood. I don't like such half-truths. I feel defrauded. My eyes were horribly swollen today morning from tears. Even makeup didn't hide it. I am angry at myself for my unreasonableness. At least I have found a fine composer from the film, new for me, Joe Hisaishi. All new good classical music I usually find from modern movies. Often those composers are from the far East and Arabic region. The modern world is rich with many talented people and incredible opportunities as never was.
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The chunk =104= The message -564-
In the following weeks, Olga almost stopped sending videos to Ahmed because the videos came out “silent”: it was difficult for her to focus simultaneously on the picture of the videos, on passers-by, and on her thoughts and speeches. Now she was recording audio. She did 7-10 minute speeches on the way from the bus to her office. As she commuted on the bus, she mentally, in English, very fluently, considered what she could say during this time. It was easy. But each time she got out of the bus, and immediately all her thoughts left with the bus, leaving her with an empty head. She felt stupid and helpless. She had to invent both the topic and the speech on the go. Talking in the streets was uncomfortable. Suitable English vocabulary “was embarrassed” by passers-by. Olga forgot the rules.
But Ahmed didn't watch her videos, didn't read her messages, and didn't listen to the audios. She was 99 percent sure of this, so she sent him two or three dozens of videos and audios, periodically deleting the content for both parties in case of the 1% chance becoming successful: if by chance he logs into the account. She was shy.
Once she sent an audio, then, as usual, a photo of herself as soon as she had come to the office and logged into her working computer. Then, as a reply to her phrase from the last audio message
"...Well, that is my office building. I am almost there.", Ahmed's message came:
"Hello Olga.
I'm struggling with life here.
I hope you're doing well.
Haha… I saw my photo on your monitor…
How come?"
Indeed, one of the old stickers with the figure of Ahmed and monkeys was set as a screen background on her work computer. There he was scratching his forehead, and she titled it "Are you sure, Ahmed...?" as if responding to his one day ago fascinating him thoughts about equations of love being used to her. Olga answered something inappropriate and defending because she understood the phrase "How come?" wrongly… Ahmed rolled his eyes over and sent Telegram with all its contents to hell.
The message - 248-249-
Chunk =9-10=
The message - 250-
28/06/20
Hello god!
Lately, it has been raining. I love rain. Yesterday on the bus I was watching the bus window glass because of the rain that made wet stripes on the glass. It looked like tears. Heaven again is crying. I always think that rain is your tears. I probably have too many tears inside myself if I cry so often recently for different reasons. I don't want to be sensitive and weak anymore, I would like to avoid a lot of damage. How to change my direction... I know, work...just help me please with motivation :) I should work for a great cause. I hate to work just for money. Every day I see nothing except my commuting way and working place and my house. Customers can send me messages even at night. Almost every time they want to lower the cost, not to improve a project. I go out at 9 and come home at 21. The way back always takes more time. I usually listen to an audiobook this time. For reading, I have no energy. How to become powerful and vibrant, tell me! All my appearance tells me I am exhausted. I smile tiredly and look at people with my humbling face. I cannot smile even for the camera. I wait for the time my daughter enters and ends her University, will leave me, I could go whatever I want, in another city or country, as a volunteer in Africa, for example :). I want her to live alone right now, for she would have never lived life like mine. She should go through the school of surviving I had never had. In this case, she will feel happier in her middle age that is more important for in her youth she is happy a-priori. She is much more clever than me. But she is not warm, she is selfish, rude sometimes, but sometimes not, I am glad. She has a lot to learn...
In short, I want to forget all my tears and tires, help me! Today again it's raining out of the window in my room and I am crying with you together, my god, for no reason.
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The chunk =105= The message -565-
Almost every day, many new posts appeared on Ahmed's page.
30 June at 10:05 he posted a video of a dancing tango couple. Olga disliked this post a lot:
"In a dull society where you lack taste, I only post to reveal what is buried inside me..
A video I personally composed for love at the tango, whose nobility is the grace of the gesture…
© Ahmed ****ri, 2020"
He posted stacks of photos and videos from the martial art training sessions he used to have. He published photos of his diplomas: bachelor from Algeria, master's and doctoral degrees from Japan. He posted videos of his defense of master and doctoral degrees in Japan ten years ago. There were photos of his favorite fish, favorite songs of his favorite Italian chansonnier Peppino Gagliardi, and other European and USA artists. He replied in one of the comments that "loneliness is part of his happiness". The status was set on the gaping "single".
Ahmed seemed intent on showing off the full spectrum of his interests: like a peacock, he fluffed out his magnificent tail in an easy-to-watch position. There were many observers, men, and women: people from all over the world left their likes and comments to him as a sign of recognition of his merits and outstanding achievements.
Olga did not dare to send a request to friends and even put some likes. But then, when she decided that it was wrong to view the page, being herself hidden, she put a single like somewhere at the end of his page on every visit (about once a week or two), so that no one, who knew him, would notice it.
The message - 251-
29/06/20
Hello, o Ahmed al-Sad!
Today's my day off. Yesterday I possessed the app 'Nebo'. Now I can write letters with a stylus that is handy, comfortable, and pleasant. My consolation for a while.
Yesterday evening I visited your Safebook page again due to your promise daily to place your stories. Last several days I was depressed by your first posts on the page. Why? I don't know... maybe I envied all those men and women who know you... maybe I was angry at myself. I have chosen this way of contact that I have now with you. I made everything possible to repel you. But after some hours of thinking I felt quite well. I did all the things right. I hate to fake. I don't like when other people fake. Do you fake, Ahmed?
What the hell you decided to show some parts of your life? What or who made the impact on why you did that? Are you dying? I hope never. Are you in a hurry to represent your "forgive me" and "thank you", and "a tribute to your professor and to all your masters, mentors and friends who helped you keep up, quite successfully, with your journey in Japan"? Why? Interesting, how much time it will take of you to show all the most important events that happened to you in the last 15 years in Japan and in Algeria. It's such a huge amount of time! I bet you will post all the 15 years ...in 15 days or weeks... This life is like that. I would like you to appreciate in your posts all your wives. Did you have at least one woman to whom you can say a great thanksgiving? Your mother?
My dear Ahmed! I like how you call your fishes "babies". It sounds so cute, kawaii. Seems that to the fishes you relate more warmly than to the majority of people. Your quoted phrase, "A bit of gentleness in a world of brutes ..", hurts me, honestly. People are not brutes... I don't believe it.
Ahmed-al-sad! You looked so romantic with the long curly hair (I adore it, my brother was like that, quite beautiful), with the goat beard and the short mustache (prickly I think, but men with haired cheeks always attracted me despite Always I thought if the man is not shaved, he doesn't have a lover), like a superstar. Did you know that? I think so. Thank you for placing the photographs for me :)or for someone else. I feel like I'm almost falling in love with you, but I should love my hero, it is normal. I'll allow myself to love you for a while until those 1000 messages will be sent. You, dear, will not be able to withstand it for such a long time and, I am sure, will quit the game soon. I will reduce the time of those letters as I promised you in my previous messages I sent to you a long time ago you didn't read.
I got that somehow you can read all my messages and videos, and audios, maybe partly. Probably you use the trick with the airplane mode on your smartphone when one can read and watch all without being noticed in the app. My phone doesn't send me notifications about messages despite all my attempts to fix the bug. But recently I bought a tablet. Now I know that this is the problem with my smartphone: each morning I receive notifications on the pad from the Japanese who I don't like and I can read all of them without entering the Telegram, but my phone keeps silent.
Okay, Ahmed. Was I waiting for something else? Yes. You remain silent, so I hoped you off all the notifications. Why do you read them hidden? I cannot understand, sorry. To be honest, I don't want your response... but I also wait for it...I am afraid of it, it is more right to say ... for many reasons.
You know, it is a strange situation now: I write you letters, you read some of them. But I would prefer you didn't. So, why do I send them to you? Because in other ways, if I had written it for my diary, I would not have felt I wrote it to a real person. I would be fake, like that, Ahmed. I need you very much, my dear sad person. Post your nice messages on Safebook, they are really interesting not only for me. Don't leave me please, Ahmed ***ri, for a while.
The message - 253-
The male peacock is the same rooster.
The message - 256-
My daughter sometimes plays the synthesizer, hidden. She uses headphones connected to her musical keyboard. I only can listen to the sound of how her fingers type the piano keys. She always blames me that I didn't buy a real piano for her. I told her that we had no money but it wasn't true. I didn't want to be beholden to those people who wanted to make us the gift. It was a quite good piano...
The day before yesterday I came home and made pizza dough. I placed it in the oven and told my daughter to look after it. We both forgot about this shell. The food was spoiled again. We both were laughing hysterically because it was the third time in the last two weeks we spoiled food. Probably we both are tired. She is stressed by her preparation for her exam, which will be in ten days, and I'm exhausted by my uncertain situation recently...
Yesterday a customer said he wants to return back the furniture I designed for him. He said it didn't fit his shop (health food store) in the model, in color, and in style, despite the project was approved by him and the color he had chosen surely by himself.
I imagined for a moment that I need to look for another job. It was like taking a look into an inferno. It was a blow. I felt I was on the edge of an abyss and had no room to move. Yesterday I realized all the horrible instability of all the situations I live in.
Several years àgî my husband broke his arm, couldn't work. I tried to find a job, but I didn't find a well-paid job even as a cleaner. They said: "You have such a good education, why are you applying for this work?" ...or "You have not any experience working as a designer in our firm, we have no time to teach you." A diploma with honor didn't help me. They were right. Now I am afraid of being humiliated in such a way again. I met so many strange hires... at least I am experienced in that. I want to provide safety to myself, but don't know how yet..to find a second job..as a freelancer?
Today I've seen some of your sketches...okay...okay... you've gotten much better and the colors you used were the colors of a happy person. Your taste is noble and far from dull society...I agree with you...I like your choice of music, people, things, women. Be happy with all of that deep buried into yourself, Ahmed. Is it true..that..we are that what we have chosen?
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The chunk =106= The message -566-
28 June 2020
Ahmed posted on his Safebook page a statement similar to the following:
"Ahmed ****ri
28 June at 21:52·
Some of my best friends have asked me to share my experience, which I find very humble and rarely mention in front of other, richer memories. I am not saying this out of modesty, but because it is true.
To be honest, I had an unpleasant experience with our Algerian society, even before I left Japan. Our society goes beyond history ... a society that understands everything and discusses everything ...
Circumstances sometimes force me to meet people I don't know. And out of courtesy, when they ask me to share my experience, I talk about some points that I think are important. The problem is that they don't even give me a chance to speak and they themselves talk about Japanese society as if they had lived there for a thousand years. It's difficult, do you understand? They look at you as if they are presidents.
A few years before his death, the architect Kh***d bin Bo***d told me something wise that I still remember: "If you spend five minutes giving advice to somebody and one didn't understand...go further." This society does not need advice. God bless.
My friend's brother who lives in France advised me not to publish my photos, because I am someone who does not share my life with others ..
But I changed my mind after deep thought. We live in the age of the image. And I think that each of us should reveal our ideas and our perceptions because stupidness has filled the world, minimalism and banality have become an infectious disease.
There are many people to be reckoned with who have appreciated my Safebook friendship and my friendliness. And many of them offended me personally. Then I felt bad before leaving Japan, and I will never forget that.
I knew that my livelihood was in the hands of the one who created me and honored me. For those of you who can reach heaven to continue and stop the path of my existence, please... and try if you can. ... They can not..
Spread your achievements, good people."
The message - 258-
In a dull society where I lack taste (the statement that I agree with), I have just read again the messages (I keep them on my Google Keeper) you posted several days ago to reveal what is buried inside you... ..in the sad grave of your body and mind...
The message I am personally composing here is for sake of love to truth, which nobility is the crystallization of gracefulness of absolutely all human hearts...which nobility you refuse to admit. You are considering that only that person could be noble and intelligent, who has any achievements in some parts of life. Do I correctly understand? I even dare to suppose you think that if a person made an achievement, got a good education or knows a lot, or can jump over the trees, or can potentially break somebody's neck faster than others can, he or she is noble by default in your imagination.
You are imagining that there exists somebody who is able to judge unmistakably about things in arts and architecture and all the rest, aren't you? That person is you, isn't it true?
I have several acquaintances of those who tend to do it. My daughter tends to be like that now. She was always much more clever than most of her classmates and others and it made her opinion hard to them, but, I hope, she will become wiser in years. So I understand the roots of your attitudes around here. I meet it every day at home.
She has only one friend. The girl is pure Armenian. And her mother is a doctor in cardiology. She always was the best in her life. Best in school had a diploma with honor, she’s a genius, was the best student on her course in medicine, the best doctor in her hospital. She ended her career as a Head of the medical center. Now she lives in France with her sister because she has to treat her cancer and it was absolutely impossible to do in Russia. Her daughter, the friend of my daughter, always was the best in school. She had to enter Medical University in our city (she wanted to go to a good university in Moscow) because she has a little sister and their grandmother refused to care about them despite their mother being so far away in France now. So the girl is studying at the university and looks after her sister, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and so on.
When her mother entered the University, she lived in a dormitory. The girl has much more hard circumstances. For years she lives under the threat of her mother's death. "You have to study better, you have to behave modestly and so on...due to your mother being so ill", I used to often hear the words addressed to her from her gran when we met in school. Her mother had breast cancer many years ago and was operated on successfully. Now she has lung cancer. The girl wanted to be a designer, but her mother just was laughing at her and paid tutors for her daughter in Chemistry, Russian, and Biology.
I was startled by their correspondence which my daughter has shown me from time to time. I mean the messages the girl and her mother are exchanging and the girl sometimes shares it with my daughter.
They hate everybody. They hate Black, Arabs, Chinese, Korean, Russian for many reasons, but most of all they hate Armenians. Her mother, it seems, hates all the world, all people. Their statements are extremely cynical, rude, and insulting. I could see them hard. But they never use obscene vocabulary. Their language and jokes are quite graceful.
Their father was, as the woman called him, an inseminator. She was after 35 when she got married to him. When she became pregnant she kicked him off her house due to he was ugly and primitive stupid. And in several years she invited him back for her second daughter because the first kid was successful and kicked him off again later. She told her daughter that children were for her kind of experiment: how would it be?
Somehow they are rich now despite their father who also lives in France now, and he never helped them. They wonder how it is possible he is able to find a job there, he is so stupid! My daughter says they became rich after the mother got the position. She is a very good doctor. Just after graduating she for the beginning of her career was very warm and sensitive and tried to help people as much as possible. But her heart hardened by years and now, she told her daughter, she can see only meat instead of a patient, the same as her lecturers told them in a Medical University. Whatever her patients tell her, it doesn't touch her anymore. She is deaf to them in her heart.
I am sure that she is a very good and honest person. She is 56 now, she looks good, she has many wealthy and rich relatives, who take care of her daughter despite the fact that the girl hates the meetings and attitudes of her relatives. They both consider them as quite primitive. The mother was very hurt by something in her past and now is trying to protect her daughter from some dangerous things she probably met in her life, I think. She has been defending her for all her life. She built a border between her kid and all primitive people. What was so cruel in her life?
What was it that hurt you, Ahmed, that you became like that? I don't know what to think about you again... I still don't know you.
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The chunk =107= The message -567-
Ahmed had learned about Peppino Gagliardi in Japan because among older Japanese people his work was very popular in the seventies and he fell in love with the songs. Consciously or not, he associated the singer's voice with his own. Indeed, their voices were like the voices of two brothers, only Peppino Gagliardi's hoarseness was refined by Italian pronunciation. Of course, it was not only the voice of the master of the Neapolitan song that was wonderful. Ahmed found that outwardly he was similar to the singer: a brooding look, a prominent nose, curly hair, the habit of wrinkling his forehead. Lyrical, melodic, soft songs tuned into a romantic mood. The dream of great love, the love of a lifetime, never left Ahmed between his bright peaks of love.
"Ahmed ****ri
06 July at 23:43 ·
;;;;;;;;;;;
"Un Amore Grande", by Peppino Gagliardi...
A bit of gentleness in a world of brutes ..
Un peu de douceur dans un monde de brutes ..
Some Romance!!
;; Big Love ", by Peppino Gagliardi...
A bit of gentleness in a world of brutes ..
A little sweetness in a world of bullies.."
The message -259-
05/07/2020
My friend who I hadn't seen for two years invited me to her house. Yesterday, as always on weekends, I had a short day, so I agreed to visit her. We both had Birthdays at the end of last month so I bought a cake and she made a pie.
We are not rich people so we usually don't make any big gifts to each other. Now I regret I didn't buy something pleasant: I still always forget that I have enough money now.
And, honestly, both: her life and her house are always in the process of changing, she is a woman whose world is unstable. I have known her for 31 years and am still open inside of her new features and sides. And I don't know which kind of gift really can make her satisfied and happy.
She talks a lot, I cannot be like that. I mostly remain silent with people like her usually. She is a nurse in a child's clinic now. She changed many different jobs in her life. She started as an accountant. She was earning so much that her husband told her he didn't want his wife to have a wage bigger than his, so she left the job and the area. Then she was an insurance agent, very successful again. And then she went to study again. Now she looks old, tired, ill, fat, but her beauty is still with her. She is a Tartar. Tatars are Muslims, as you might know, but their family is not very religious. Most people in Russia are not believers but remain in a state of some kind of religious superstitions in different forms and measures of intensity that do not even depend on nationality or religion.
She was showing me photos of her familiar people. I looked at those old people whom I've never seen and I realized that I have not any circle of such people I would meet more or less regularly. I couldn't count myself among these people. I feel I am 25. I am not like them. All my colleagues and bosses were much younger than me, my teachers were younger or behaved as young people. I live in another world. What is the world like? I must think about what the difference is. I cannot explain it right now.
I stayed with her for an hour. Then I decided to come home walking due to the weather being fine and there were no insects and I missed the places where I was walking several years ago to the meetings with our teachers in Chinese, English, Arabic, and Spanish...I miss all of them and of our partners in learning and still I am grateful to them all.
Later I was near my street. I walked relaxed thinking about the day that went away. I raised my eyes and saw my, as you were nice to call him, partner's eyes. He stood as if he was struck, startled by something with his mouth open, and looked at me. I quickly came to him.
— Hi! You look very nice, I said merrily. Indeed, he looked pleasant, as usual. I still find him handsome despite the fact that he is 54 now and he is one meter sixty in height.
— Hi, he replied, being kicked back to his mind, you too.
I explained to him where I had been. I am sure it occurred to him that I went from my nonexistent lover. He forgot I have short days on weekends and thought I should be at work at that moment. He returned home to make a boiler: it is time in Tyumen when they do repair work and block some areas of the city's hot water supply. So, he went to a shop to buy glue. The first minute he was a bit aggressive in his behavior, but I melted his ice. We came home together and he spent the night in the guest room next to my daughter's room.
This morning he came into my room and started asking me about whether I have a lover or not, again..our daughter came to us as soon as he sat on my bed...
It all always is so dull...I agree with you.
The message - 260-
Hello Ahmed,
I keep the photograph of you where you were having your training by a sea placed on my working PC screen as an example of absolute happiness a man can experience. I love your happy face there, absolutely, without any doubts. You look like you were playing like a kid there. It is a pleasure to look at you in the photo. If you were able to be so relaxed and enjoy life, I can too, each time I tell myself, for encouragement. Thank you, dear. Be still shining to your people. Be happy everywhere at all times! My short poem, as that old Japanese man, often writes to me underneath his longer than just "have a nice day" daily messages. Goodbye.
The message - 261-
11/07/21
Hello Ahmed,
I don't have customers and orders today and I have time to write to you yet. Yesterday I was on your Safebook page. Thank you for sharing. Always I feel sad after reading that. I was crying and now I am not able to call a reason, but at that moment I definitely had one.
I started talking to you about my family and my ancestors and sent you the audio. It forces me to think about my own small family I had till last time. I now understand more why we separated. I am very grateful to my partner, my ex-husband, for living with him. It is not true I was not happy and I did not love him. I still love him. But I never was suitable for him, he never was suitable for me. He always was very caring about me and our daughter despite being sometimes rude and always deaf to our souls. We also were selfish every time. He always was busy with how to feed and support us, nothing more. And I was busy with my issues. Each of us lived his life together, but our souls wandered somewhere freely, hardly ever touching one other. Even though I've never been to his homeland, I know his country. I know and love some examples of its traditional and modern music, art, food, and history. I tried to learn his language, I know his relatives. Azerbaijan, I expect, is similar to Algeria in many aspects...
I wasn't a good wife. I was neither caring nor loving. I lived in my small world and still live in my imagination, not in the real great world. What still holds him with me and why he wants to be with me I don't want to think. It is not important. I want him to find a good fit woman. He is strong, healthy, active, and smart. I want him to get freedom because he always felt like he was living in jail with us in the flat. He wants his own house, garden, in his country. Interesting that I also love gardens and land as a whole. I regret I didn't buy a big piece of land when I had the money for it...but we have so different views on everything I am sure we have straight controversial visions of the garden and the house. I want him to be independent and self-confident again because I feel my guilt in the situation, in his current state. I am much more clever him, I was a kind of snob despite that I am so stupid, so terrific idiot, I hate myself because of that only one. In short, I want to let him go. It is my gift to him for all his goodness. And when I tell him all of that I see in his eyes anticipation of a better life. I was very lucky I met him at that time...despite all my relatives thinking that our union was nothing but horrible misalliance. Okay, here I am going to stay. Dixi.
The message - 262-
Hello Ahmed,
To understand Japan...I may be told this word, I am wrong...I had told you in one of my audios I cannot think. All I write is pure perception, nothing more. I try to express in words all my feelings and expectations and guess those also are nothing but based on my perception of things. And each knows that feelings are not constant things. My thoughts, I am sorry, are like a river and waters, and strims inside it. They will never be strong or straight, clear or transparent. I think you did not get yet what is my conception but do, at least, it will become understandable very soon. Thank you you are so tolerant, but sharp and poisonous, to my eyeliner I write my confusing story with. I will not neglect my writing.
We cannot understand many things, but we are able to write, sing, draw, or say so that it is possible to feel the truth. So I write my 1000 chunks because I am not able to see all the pictures. I should collect a lot to be able to recognize the true corn. I make garbage, a lot of garbage that seems insane yet. I would like to say to you: "Thank you, you are really honest and open now, I love you, bro!"
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The chunk =108= The message -568-
It seemed to Olga that his posts somehow correlated with the texts that she sent him and continued to send. He seemed to be involved in the game and presented his own rules of the game. She became even more convinced of her assumptions when she came across a Latin expression in one of his posts: recently she used one, too.
Nevertheless, she was intellectually inclined to ignore coincidences, and with her heart, she wished that the untruth was true.
The message - 263-
12/07/20
Hello Ahmed!
I would like to say "I love you bro!", but I must not: it is absolutely male to address. When I was about ten-eleven or earlier, I don't remember exactly, somebody from my besties had caught me when I called myself so as if I was a male person. In Russian, we use the end-particles in the past tense to show the gender of the speaker. So, I used the ends of verbs that showed I am a boy, not a girl.
I used to read a lot at that time. Almost all books were written by male persons, so I got used to thinking like they were written and I repeated that specifical language. It took some time (till twenty-five, I think) before I started using only female language in my head. For a long time, I even didn't like that language.
Sometimes I listen to lectures from psychologists. And the last speaker talked about gender differenñes in languages and talked about the Japanese language. I had known that many girls and boys in Japan start using appropriate gender pronounñes the more intensively the older they get.
Also, such gender differenñes in languages show the real relationships between men and women in society, but not always the current situation. For example in Japan women had the lowest position till the second world war. And now the language still has many gender-related signs despite the value of women has increased in Japan. Language lags behind changes in society.
The message - 264-
Hello Ahmed,
Our firm makes furniture. Usually, customers give us a prepayment of 70%. And the rest of the sum is paid after the furniture is set in their rooms. We also have a system of down payments without any banks. And prepayment here is only 50% that is often less than our expenditure for materials for furniture manufacturing. We take all the risks for cases when someone never pays us because it would be a long and expensive procedure for us to get money from such customers through the court. All the rest of the firms where I worked earlier never set furniture before they received all the money. Here, I have only one girl who didn’t pay for a long time, three months, inventing various excuses to avoid sending the money.
People are normally more trustworthy and absolutely responsible when we trust them in advance. It works everywhere, in all spheres of life. Teachers trust their students in advance, encouraging them. Doctors give their patients hope for the best ending of treatment. Engineers give their qualification; each specialist spends in advance his time, life, and money for education to offer them in advance to others. Even children gift us their smiles as an act of trust.
I mean each one needs to be approved and encouraged, not depending on whether the person is old or young. And such quality comes from human nature. I guess people who lived long-lived their time being satisfied with their life and opened to the world. It is almost proven that acceptance by others has a biological impact on the level of his hormones and neurotransmitters in such a way that it makes him more healthy, strong, vibrant and as a result more self-confident. The more responses from others with the sign "plus" he has, the more super impact it takes.
This is my simple vision. Practical consequences of this are:
- I was with him for a long time because each day I had close tactile contact with him. I told you this earlier. There were hugs all the time, not only when we had sex. It became an automatic act that wasn't easily forgotten. I felt a state-like withdrawal from addiction when it stopped.
- Ahmed receives his dose of satisfaction at his training. I even think he doesn't need sex. Sex is nothing near the orgasm of training. But sex could be a good complement to the practice.
- Sexologists say that sex is something people shouldn't and cannot live without. They earn money saying that and such thoughts have those who believe in that. I met so many men and women who live successfully and happily without a hint of sex. Sex mostly is just a type of caring and helpful tactile contact.
- Poor young men! They really need sex in the age the nature scheduled. I don't know this feeling fully. When his body wants sex, when he sees her or thinks about her and his penis becomes hard and the blood boils and nothing can help here but sex, just for a while. Horrible ... but people are such creatures ... they made the feeling noble and fine, as usual.
- I will die soon without any tactile contacts because I lose my health daily :) I must take a massage treatment, at least. I’ve never seen such close contact with many people that have Ahmed in it. I always felt embarrassed even giving hugs to my female relatives or friends.
- He.. he.. will find a wife easily in his Muslim country near Caspian sea, I have no doubts.
- It is a bit more clear, looking from the position, why martial art sportsmen have such psychological features which researchers describe and why those kinds of sports are popular among the people who are inclined to be leaders or in those societies where the achievements and leaderships are considered as the most preferable or required aims and features in life.
- It’s interesting to know if those people fit this kind of sport or the training itself forms such a type of character. I guess both directions could be right, it depends on...
- To be fully satisfied we need a dose of respect and tactile contact regularly.
The message -266-
The chunk =16=
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"Ahmed ****ri
13 July at 21:45
I made and edited this video as a tribute to all doctors, nurses, and healthcare workers fighting against the pandemic of COVID-19, all around the world and in the country I currently live in, Algeria..
It is also a tribute to:
* My sister, Dr. B*** N*** R***, assistant professor of infectious diseases at the department of medicine of the University of ***, fighting with her colleagues on the first track against the pandemic.
** My brother Dr. T*** N***, an ICU specialist (intensive care medicine) in Paris, who recovered from coronavirus infection.
Thank you all for everything …
Please share .."
The message - 269-
Hello, Ahmed.
I miss..the sea
The message - 273-
Hello, Ahmed.
Hello Black hole,
My colleagues are laughing at me. I brought in our office a stalk of marsh grass from the place I love to visit at lunchtime while my gym is closed due to lock-down. I keep it in a green bottle that is left after mineral water. The stalk reminds me that my life is short and almost over, but that there is a good simple place where I could breathe with a full chest with fresh spicy air at least till the end of the Summer...and feel happy. I love freedom.
And now I feel not very happy but free as if I would be a child. I remember the moment when I felt amazingly happy in my childhood, but I forgot the feeling.. ..but had I told you about it already? To be afraid to lose my job, my real or imagined lover, my friends or my life, my daughter...means to be in jail all the time. To be afraid of somebody saying or thinking something bad about me and my family, country, about who and what I love and like? Should I be afraid of somebody exclusively noble and decent, or all of society? Haha ... no, never again. How weak I was for a while! Disgrace. What is society as a conglomerate of all the same shadows as me? In each of them, I see myself. Should I be afraid of myself if I am healthy mentally and have sober thoughts? Should I be ashamed of my personality and my appearance? Go to hell! Let all the doubts go to hell! I do know who I am. I am not an angel. There're many dirty and heavy things inside me. It isn't bad, isn't good. That is it. I accept it and I live my life with all the lightness and the dark that consist me. Always I lived like that. I am absolutely free. What I considered as a jail were just restrictions that I voluntarily had chosen and then forgot about that. Our life always is our unconstrained choice, ALWAYS. It does not depend on any circumstances except some issues of our death ... sometimes.
Ìàêîòî 40
12/07
always i think.
we like our personality,we keep good relationship with us.
of course i understand we are very busy.
thank you send a message to me.
i feel good recive your message.
we have time difference,but i believe we can good relationship with us.
because i like your personality.
you are important person to me.
nothing change.
have a good day.
from makoto.
to you.
my short poem
Ìàêîòî 41
18/07
usually many people's learn to mistake.
of course important things don't mistake once again.
i need caring,compassion heart with you.
i notice need you.
you give me smile everytime.
of course i hope strong long team relationship with you.
always thanking of you.
you are nice person to me.
always thank you worried to me.
my dear have a wonderful weekend.
from japan
for you.
my short poem
42
19/07
i am good spend a time video chat with you.
i can tell you my feeling directory.
we can understand our situation.
of course very important time.
i feel near you.
thank you very much warm and caring heart message to me.
i feel good recive your message everytime.
really take care of yourself.
until not finished corona virus situation.
have a nice day
my short poem
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The chunk =110= The message -570-
"Ahmed ****ri
22 July 2020 16:50·
I feel contempt for this society that does not respect its doctors and their paramedical human background.. A society that does not know how to distinguish between health systems and human medical potential..
Medical studies cost more than $ 60000 / year in the USA (public universities), 8000 Euros / year in Germany and around 5000 Euros / year in France. Not counting the years of specialty that absorbs a lifetime.
Medical studies in many countries are only affordable for the rich. Generally, it's a job that is passed on from father to son. And being rich necessarily doesn't mean having common sense and being smart.
In Algeria, medical studies are free, however, they certainly cost a lot of money. Access to his studies is selective or even a level of quality.
I don't like being told about incompetence because medical mistakes exist all over the world. I have had the chance to live part of my life in a very developed country, and believe me, you had to always be vigilant during hospital consultations to avoid any possible mistake.
In Algeria, there is good level despite the limited means. When you have common sense and a reliable analytical approach, you can solve the impossible to solve.
This society that accuses its heroes is bound to chaos and deserves nothing but shame…"
The message - 274-
20/07/2020
Hello Ahmed,
Don't know why, I miss you, Ahmed. I miss that Ahmed who was simple and modest and clever and warm, not of that whose complexity is over the top and whose attitudes are such unintelligible that seem too ***...you know I don't love all such "too".
It is always impossible to explain our opinions to a big auditorium of strangers in such a way that all could understand it. But at least they can discuss it with you as if you were a real alive man. For me, you are a dead man. I prefer to think about a black hole, it sounds better.
Yesterday night it had been raining all night but it didn't make the air fresher and I didn't sleep well due to stuffiness: I was disgusting to myself, so sweaty and wet I was. It was the most uncomfortable night in my daughter's bed: she asked me to change with the bedrooms before her exam because her papa comes home and, she says, he disturbs her by his snoring every time he is sleeping in the room next to her. I never noticed earlier he made any sounds, sleeping. Yesterday he collected berries especially for us at the garden where he is working now. He always was generous when he could. He got money and gave me some money despite the fact that I didn't ask. I never ask. And today is her second, but due to circumstances, the first exam, in English. She told me yesterday she passed all the training tests in 100% and she wondered why they placed such easy tests on the site. It worried her. In one day will be the speaking test in English and then will be her exam in history and, in the end, the exciting time of waiting for results and then the responsible step to apply to a fit University. We have no money for fees for her University and we tried to sell the flat but she refused the idea and that money because she sees we are not able to support the level of money that required big fees each half of year. So she has no choice but to look for a budget place at a university. She can apply for entrance into five universities in 15 faculties maximum. If she will enter Moscow or Saint-Petersburg University, I cannot imagine how I will support her: life there is very expensive. But I allow her to make the choice and we will hope for the better. It is a risky, adventurous move. But it is worth it for the sake of a good education, not a fake one. She is much more clever than me despite I didn't notice in her the love of researching which I had but didn't actualize...I got some orders now, getting to be busy..bye for today
The message - 275-
Hello Ahmed!
-275-
Hello Ahmed!
I keep on my work PC your only ugliest photographs except for a couple of good, that I like very much. One the same person can be ugly and handsome at the same time. It does not depend on someone's taste or some objective reason as the nobility of face features, for example, it depends on the edge and point of view of an observer or observers in a moment of time. It is relative absolutely. It depends on. Because of. There are not any reasons. People always deceive themselves by making any statements about beauty and about very varied other things, I think so today.
Beauty and nobility are different things. Look at a tango dance. Its roots are African and Argentinian or even multinational, nobody knows now exactly. In the beginning, it became popular in dirty drunk pubs for people of the poorest circles of life. It was simple and vulgar...in the imagination of some noble people. Many things (music, literature, dances, pictures and paintings, beliefs and ideas) that in the past were considered vulgar and low, later became noble in the imagination of many people. Why, how do you think?
For me, tango still is often vulgar. It has terrific beauty but it has the sense of a sexual dance, no more. It has not any hidden, sacral hints, such as there are in the eastern dances or African or other traditional dances because tango lost its deep and noble meaning earlier than the dance became popular. Another situation with ballet. It has become its deep meaning just recently, in mostly the middle of the XX century. Earlier it was a low amusement genre.
Look at African traditional dances. Have you ever seen those old African women who are dancing? They in Africa rarely have young professional dancers. Usually, they are old and not very beautiful. But for me, they are much more beautiful, noble, and pleasant than all those young girls with fine legs and sweet forms that attract you with their charm and nobility of moves. But I suppose that all dances show the soul of a dancer. It is the main aim of dancing. One should see a person in a dance, not to look for the beauty of moves only. I want to see the soul of a home, not its design I want to see the soul and meaning of the design, not the nobility of forms or materials. I want to see the soul of materials and textures, not the fake of it. And the sexuality of tango I can't call a noble feature, rather graceful movements can be counted as that...I doubt.
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24/07
always i think.
i hope you relax see my photo and video.
i don't take a photo and video,up to date my instagram.
of course busy up to date instagram person all delete with me long time before.
i need you.
because i like your personality.
i want to communicate with you everyday.
i hope you a good health.
maybe japan become 2wave infact corona virus situation.
recently more than infact 1wave peoples.
really take care of yourself.
have a nice day
from japan
for you.