471.
r, b, wa, yu.
I’m not afraid of being weak. I just don’t like it. My problems with getting rest lie mostly in what may be called passion, or engagement, or urge. There is also a sort of superiority of the mind over emotions, though I wouldn’t divide these two really. Moreover, I guess, I have lots of prejudices that I don’t know how to get rid of. If all goes well I don’t care about whether I’m working/learning too much or not. I’m able to maintain the 30-60 day sequences of impeccable life, but as soon as there is a disease or any kind of “eternal punishment” like headache or whatever—I immediately get confused and look for reasons at where they are not supposed to be. For example, now I have a very strong desire to learn poetry, continue my work on basic exercises, meditation, and self-analysis, but I’ve ceased all of that lest overwork. In other words, if something goes wrong and I don’t know why, I start doing or stop doing lots of things which have nothing to do with the actual problem. It was the case with tinnitus; it was the case with all recent diseases; it is the case now; it’ll probably be the case with many situations in the future. I have to learn how to define better what’s going on and why. When I know exactly that one thing causes another and there is no need for guessing, I have way more advantages from my writing.
To the beginning: http://www.proza.ru/2018/03/10/1530
Next: http://proza.ru/2020/06/15/652
See me on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC43fwC5DpfaJi3wGQO5b_ZA?