Translated from Russian
http://www.proza.ru/2019/11/11/876
In the subway Egor felt himself like canned fish and there was nothing surprising – everyone who went down the subway at rush hour felt like this, – only Egor couldn’t understand what kind of fish he was: anchovy, zander or trout? In order not to look pale next to such a fish as, say, a piranha or a swordfish, it was necessary to have more reasons or at least insert a tooth that had fallen out – they say that the teeth of sharks grew with a bang and not in one liquid row, but there were five or even six rows. Without a zoological degree Egor would be afraid to say for sure.
At work Sonechka expressed clear unambiguous signs of interest and Egor, like a mole, went into the mud, trying not to give any clues to the woman. Women have seemed to have gone crazy lately, has emancipation struck them in the head? the previous benchmarks were shaken, some acted so assertively that they didn’t agree to turn off activity, not for love or honey ... Looking out of the corner of the officeroom Yegor was afraid even to smile at the woman: Well, he is not a male dog, isn’t he?! Just a hamster at dawn ... From his own experience, Egor knew that women didn’t not really like hamsters as well as guinea pigs.
Entering Sviridov’s office, Egor turned into a ladybird, and in his head was spinning: “Fly away to heaven! Bring me some bread! ”In accordance with a well-known kids’ saying he had not only to fly to heaven, but also fulfill various wishes and instructions of the chef, up to an increase in sales at X-fold pace. For the unbridled exploitation of the poor ladybird by his foolish desires the mouse’s tears were probably pouring back out to the cat: how about that oversized bicycle that simply could not be lifted by a small bug, and now Sviridov and a new sales plan, from which hells were torn...
Having come home, Egor invariably became a mouse-louse, because for 9 years and three years they had been living with an ever-green mother-in-law. There are such women from the eternal breed. Maria Andreevna was one of them. My mother-in-law didn’t love him, he felt it with all his gills and it was mutual. Next to her, he really got cold, and became some kind of amphibian...
... But one would like to be something powerful and beautiful, at least in the form of the same elephant or hippo, not to mention something exotic - Egor didn’t even think about a giraffe, panda, cheetah or a hybrid white tiger, right away deciding that he wouldn’t be able...
For sure, all this zoological gimmick did not begin with a bay-flounder ...
Concerned as she put it “by some unseemly symptoms” (Well, he drank ... Who didn’t happen? At work was Konstantinov’s anniversary, he woke up at Slavka’s dacha, not embracing Katya as he wanted, but just a bottle of Martini Biancà), Lyudmila in the morning, when his head was cracking and mice were put in his mouth, said right from the doorway that the marriage had begun to lose freshness ... Looking at the wife with the eyes a beaten dog, Egor did not immediately understand what it was about and did not have time to really get back to normal, as he was taken to an appointment with a psychologist. Lyudmila generally did everything quickly, professionally, soundly, well, and the psychologist received new clients and ask him in all seriousness: “What kind of animal are you, Yegor Alekseevich?”
And the psychologist gave out his homework: to draw a self-portrait of his internal essence.
Sitting at the table in the children's room, Egor was trying to gather his thoughts, he wanted to shy away from homework, run to the cinema and buy ice cream, but Lyudmila kept pushing: for three day Egor hadn’t been allowed to leave the house either for a walk or for work (since he was on sick leave), taking the children to the garden Lyudmila locked all the doors, mother-in-law went on the line: Three thousand rubles had been spent, the consultation was not free, you want or you don’t want, but you needed to complete the task!
Casting about in his mind animals Egor tried on different entities, entities squeaked and didn’t give in, scratched their claws, jumped on the floor, walls, hid under the dresser, looked at him with narrow cunning eyes, a couple of creatures crouched in a blanket, the bed in three tiers stood in corner of a small bedroom. The children slept on all three tiers, for Lyudmila It was not enough just two kids, well, when it came to the third Egor reared up, but Lyudmila went into the kinchengarden and found a thirdnone in the cabbage ... Behind his bach Lyudka did some sort of inseminator of him, with three kids they went into the category of a large family, and there were such benefits – Lyudka was always greedy...
On the wall above the desk right in front of his eyes there was the Hedgehog. Egor flattened his forehead into thoughtfulness, the folds did not immediately straighten out ... These scavengers picked berries, mushrooms and everything that falls from the tree and usually appeared in kindergarten drawings in autumn. Kolya received for Hedgehog "Grand Prize" for the best drawing of the autumn season ... Having scuffed not a single sheet of paper, Egor hardly waited for the evening.
After dinner Egor finally caught a moment to talk to Kolya face to face. While no one was around, Egor gave clear instructions to his son: you need to draw a mythical, not familiar hedgehog, chicken or elephant, but a desirable cute animal. And the mouth is locked, not a word to anyone!
Before going to bed during a bed story time Kolya gave the finished drawing to his father. A tail stuck out to one side, it somehow happened that instead of wool, scales appeared on the chest, and feathers appeared on the head, Kolya stretched out and pointed its ears like arrows, which turned out even extravagantly. Describing the mythical creature, Kolya gave clear and detailed instructions on what and what this or that part of the body for. Looking at the long, elastic, with a tassel tail Egor allowed himself to doubt, but Kolya immediately broke all the arguments - the beast needs a tail, he must somehow protect himself from enemies and demons. “Yes, the tail is really needed,” Yegor Alekseevich agreed without unnecessary bickering (for some reason, Sviridov surfaced in his head). “It’s convenient when walking and of course for defense,” Egor nodded. When Kolya finished explaining, Egor wanted to ask why the beast was all blue, but he bit his tongue right away - Kolya had been gundel for several days and asked to sharpen his pencils, but he didn’t have enough time to do it ... After reading about the seven dwarfs, they decided that Egor would show the drawing at his work, maybe they would also give him Grand Prize. Poking the blanket Ógor asked his son not to tell anyone else about the drawing. Kolya did not even have to be bribed with chocolate.
On Wednesday at 3 p.m. a psychologist was waiting for the couple. Sitting in comfortable armchairs Egor laid out the drawing on the table, Lyudka, when she saw the beast, giggled, the psychologist, on the contrary, after carefully examining the beast’s ears, body and tail, flashed an eye. She for sure liked the drawing, especially impressed by the long scaly outgrowth - the psychologist was pleased with Egor. “Not all is lost,” the specialist mysteriously dropped out before embarking on an interpretation of the meanings. And it’s true that it’s not advisable to be any one particular animal simply because in order to survive in a modern environment you need to be strong as a boa constrictor, as dexterous as a panther, flexible and as strong as a monkey tail. Just before the meeting at home Egor realized that the drawing should be somehow interpreted, and the explanations of the psychologist did not differ much from what he had heard the night before from Kolya. The psychologist, as expected, instilled hope, gave so necessary for her instructions for Lyudmila, and taught Egor to snap as a bonus... Some techniques were simple but effective! Everyone around was so aggressive!
At midnight after Lyudka in the heat of carefully prepared passion called him something softly, fluffy, in scales and with a beak Egor decided to make an avatar from the drawing.
Everyone liked the profile picture. “Cool ears!.. Grandiose tail!..”, – messages were pouring down.