Bullfrogrian - 18 ïëþñ

            





              Bullfrogrian


1) Introduction……………………………………. 3
2) Mental health stigma…………………………..4-10
3) Overcoming delusions…………………………11-18
4) Poverty and social classes……………………19-27
5) Conscious universe……………………………28-30
6) Egregors………………………………………..31-39
7) Telepathic programming…………………..... 40-41
8) Comments on using ITC methods……………42-47
9) Philosophical issues…………………………...48-55
10) Conclusion………………………………………56




 

1) Introduction


You know, I meant to write a real book with links, references and all that. But due to my mental state, it is impossible. So I’ve decided I’ll just write a book of essays, combining what I already wrote in my blog and something new. My lack of long-term meory and fatigue make it possible to write short excerpts. So you will find it easier to find the meaningful info among my ramblings. As I browsed my blog in search of meaningful posts, I found no more than 35% meaningful info. And it is not surprising, knowing my restricted mental abilities. Still I’m able to grasp some cunning ideas here and there. So don’t judge me too hard. I was in a mood to sum up my blogging experience since autumn of 2015 – it’s 3,5 years of self-delusions and self-revelations. I don’t include my paranormal investigation here, as it is too big and has lots of audio files and photos. I value my life path, how it happened to be and led me to a better mental state than I had been in. Maybe it will be useful for those who study mentally ill people and particularly patients with organic brain disorders, as language is revealing.








 

2) Mental health stigma


Isolation


Once I was standing in the middle of a crowd in a subway. I felt so detached from everything, and people seemed somehow artificial, as though they existed in a separate reality from me. I was trapped into my delusional world of paranoia.
7 years passed, I got into the hospital, was diagnosed, had some inner struggles and personality changing, was sectioned three more times. Things got better, and I didn't have any delusions anymore. My thoughts were in the right order. I managed some work, and things seemed not so bad. But isolation started away silently and unnoticeably. The more people learned something about me, the more I became isolated. Relatives smiled at me and told some shit behind my back. "She has to be disabled", "When will she hang herself?", "She's silly". Friends shunned me. Those who I told anything about my mental illness drifted away, and those who knew nothing were very conscious I was hiding something from them. The few people with schizophrenia I knew could do me no better. They only wanted to discuss their symptoms. Some shrinks showed interest in me, but they only thought of me as a case to study, and I realized it too late. All communication broke down.
It got worse every time I was sectioned. Those were the times I thought of myself as bad as the people around me. I thought myself silly and unworthy and not able to fit in. I forgot about my illness and judged myself through the eyes of healthy people. All my self-dignity was lost, my achievements forgotten. I felt the circle of normals narrowing around me and judging me.
I wouldn't bother if they judged me for being a criminal or for any other activity that set me out from the rest. I was quite alone since childhood, always bullied and shunned. Only my interests and my friends mattered anything to me. I didn't care for people's opinion. But then I wasn't so overall isolated. I had some friends and people who sympathized with me. I could afford myself not to give a damn as I had those who liked me and helped me in life, I had my own circle of acquaintances and didn't care about the world. Then it all broke down. Were all friends fake and all good prospects in life only a dream? I don't know. Mostly I had been telling lies to my friends not to frighten them. I was afraid they'd stop talking to me if they knew I had schizophrenia. Some truth revealed, I was just laughed at and met with misunderstanding. I was supposed to feel guilty in my illness.
Now I may take a walk, and there're so many people on the streets, and I'm supposed to be worse than any of them. Every little thing seems to be a sign of illness. My words turn to symptoms. I seem to even clean my teeth in a special way.
And the lack of emotional intelligence makes it hard to prove anything to people. I can't communicate properly. They think I "got what I deserved", even if they're atheists. The simpliest thing that no one is guilty in mental illness is beyond their thinking. I'm just too kind and indulgent to people, trying to understand why they all drifted apart. And I only hear from them - "you're bad, you're guilty in your troubles".
  It turns out I feel like a criminal with normals who know nothing about me and behave like a normal person with those who know the truth. I can't switch between telling lies mode and trusting mode. I'm puzzled because I live in two worlds. The ultimate version of a typical normal's view is "you're good, but you're not trying enough, so you're bad", "and if you are not trying enough, you're really sick and bad forever, you're silly and there's nothing to talk about with you". I'm tired of this shit. Then they make it worse: "you take meds - it means your place is in the residential home", "you want a simple job - it means you're silly and dangerous". I can't breathe from hurt.
I remember times when I ruined the remaining mental health trying to prove to people I'm "clever enough". I managed well, but I had relapses and ruined my health. And it was all in vain. They never stopped calling me silly. I surely have some problems with memory, and there's some stumbling in my brain, when thoughts are interrupted and I have to reconstruct the whole line of thoughts from the beginning. I can be paranoid sometimes. I'm often tired and apathetic. But I didn't lose my ability to do things I already learned. My thinking is more clear than lots of normals' thinking, and it actually improved since I became ill and started to take meds. I'm doing the best I can in my state.
But I understood no amount of thinking or work can prove people I'm good. I'm just a dangerous animal for them. And I'll stop losing friends when I stop telling them about myself. I'm alone with my illness and sorrows and can't talk about it. I just have to be careful not to relapse again. All new acquaintances started to resemble a hide-n-seek. I can't be truthful, so I have to avoid lots of topics, think up my biography and to tell lies about almost everything. I'm no more isolated with people than alone with myself. It's even better in solitude.
And if I watch people on the streets, I think no more of their inner beauty or good aspirations. I only think of the way they would treat me if they knew something about me, and isolation traps me.





Stigma is never right


From my experience with bullies, some people managed to tell me I'm a "wrong" schizophrenic, as I haven't killed myself or someone else yet. I thought normal life is an achievement, and suicide or homicide can hardly be a good aim in life.
Never thought there'll ever come a time when I'll be struggling for sympathy among people thinking me a living nightmare. Always thought that being intelligent gets you acquaintances easily. I got used to be valued and respected, and not used to be humiliated just for being sick. So for me it seems like a big step to tag my twitter profile with #schizophrenia and to show my real name. I haven't got nothing but sympathy here in five years, so I decided it's alright.
I know some of my friends who have schizophrenia avoid talking about it online. And all shrinks tell me it's the right way to conceal things. So when I started this blog, I thought it to be just a secluded place to vent my thoughts. But I always felt it's so wrong that I should be trembling at the thought anyone can get to know my real name or shuddering at learning that another person blocked me or stopped talking when he/she learned something about me. It's not how life should be arranged. People shouldn't be obliged to hide their problems that may lead to suicide or just death if they give up meds.
I see so many people with cancer, depression, bipolar disorder and other illnesses expressing their views freely and getting some kind of relief from it. Schizophrenia shouldn't be a taboo. I know there're so many people suffering silently, not able to talk about illness openly. Some write from anonymous accounts on forums etc. It seems so unfair that those who are most vulnerable should defend from bullies.
I know what usually happens after disclosing illness. People either block you or see you as a punching clown. If no one will be doing anything about it, how is it going to change? They treat you like you should be thankful you aren't euthanized, and even if they tolerate those who conceal illness and cope well, but they're merciless to those who can't cope. Though everyone accepts cancer and other serious diseases as nothing to be ashamed of. If there were more people with schizophrenia "coming out from the shade", it might have changed that attitude.



"Schizophrenia is not an illness"


I can already gather a collection of stories how friends, relatives and others say to me "schizophrenia is not an illness". I thought at first having an illness and disability automatically means that people perceive I'm different. But no. Imagine my relatives and friends pathetically screaming "schizophrenia is not an illness! It's your imagination! You can do anything and get anywhere!" They think I'm lazy, stupid, pretending to be sick, not having enough strength of will etc. Some of them even have medical education. I think it's comfortable for them to think as they do. Some think a schizo must be a genius. I believe they should understand I'm trying to do best that I can, not to reproach me for lack of abilities. But they treat me just like they treat normals, without any considerations that I don't meet the criteria of a normal person at all. My relatives and my healthy friends expect too much from me. I'm used to their pressure that I must get healthy the sooner the better. They don't see I haven't ever been normal. I've been different since childhood. But they hardly noticed me when I was "healthy", now they only want me to fit in and not to bother them. This life is for healthy people. And you realize it when recovery is perceived as some “victory”. Hey, recovery is not a business achievement! Some people recover, and some might even get worse! It’s an individual process of healing that may take about ten years or more. Being "healthy" in our society seems to mean only to be able to work fulltime. They don't care for cognitive impairment. They only expect me to continue to earn my living somehow and appear normal. They don't care what's going on in my head. I got more frail as I got sick, but it's not written on my face. But they devalue my feelings just as they devalue the simole fact of my illness. If illness "doesn't exist", how can I be having mental problems: problems with communication and bad memory, excessive emotions, suicidal thoughts, paranoia and voices? No, it all JUST DOESN'T EXIST! And normals treat me as if I'm a healthier and stronger person than them, which is not true. They think they behave nice just not thinking about my illness and not noticing it, but they do harm easily, as I'm not stronger than them, just on the contrary. And I don't see any way to "prove" seemingly normal people that I'm not like them, as I don't have a visible wound in my head.





Stigma and hate


Some may say I'm too choosy about normals. But most of all I hate stigma, not normal people. Am I really too bad? Wonder how do people feel when they "never have any evil thoughts at all". They're telling lies anyway. They have evil thoughts too. I know my thoughts and struggle with them, such people just do harm impulsively. 
What's depressing, there're people I can't joke or ironize with about dark things. They will think me bad and get aggressive. Not once or twice I encounted situations, when I was not understood right. I can't be light-hearted with people anymore, afraid of making any "mistake". My irony seems vain and lost on them, as I'm not normal and they "can expect anything bad" from me.
What's more, if people treat me wrong, seems like I have no right to be angry anymore, since I got sick. Have to swallow all insults and never say a word? Looks like I can't be myself anymore. Only to watch out not to make a bad impression. Is it my imagination or what? And the more sick I get, the more I get insulted and isolated. The more reasons to be angry about. So unfair.
I've been trying what I can to reduce stigma of mentall illness, at least in my surroundings. But have I gained anything? Best of my friends are still those mentally ill and fellow shrinks. Talking to normals, I can think a person is nice to me, and then suddenly he starts to talk "meds make you not human", "you're too silly to study (haha)", "you're dangerous because you're angry with me for things I did". And it comes not from one person, but from five or ten. I'm a bit tired. They're so typical. I really try to be friends with some of them, despite their notions and behaviour. But sometimes it's impossible. I don't believe anymore, that all people can be stigma-free. I know some really intelligent people can be cruel and uncomprehending. And life can't be changed by twitter-shitting. It's about overall level of kindness and understanding.





Words are weapons


Might be in future all people would be able to read each other's thoughts, and all memory and info would be collective. Though I'm personally not a big fan of such future, I'd like to keep my thoughts private. But it might be very helpful to reveal both criminals and people suffering from them. As an example I could share my thoughts when I encounted cyberbullies. I could describe how I felt when those I loved most started to bully me.
At first I was surprised at their aggression, then stunned at how people could be so cruel. Later on I started to repeat their cruel words in my head. The thoughts were circling for hours, preventing me to think of anything else. Thoughts jumped quickly from doing harm to myself to doing harm to my bullies to forgiving them. My positive attitude to people was struggling with my negative attitude that they "inspired". I couldn't manage my messed thoughts. Every day I woke up with a feeling of failure. I thought of getting some revenge, but inwardly I understood I could never even go sue them, as I loved them too much. Then I thought of ending my own life. I felt mental pain as if nothing cheerful ever happened in my life. Even good events didn't bring me any joy. The mental suffering was unbearable, and if not for my meds, I'd have suicided long ago. I coudn't handle how people could say nasty and hateful things to me, as I loved them and thought them good.
Then cold hate crept inside. It helped me to survive. But sometimes I recalled how much better I thought those people to be, and bitter sorrow embraced me. The next day thoughts were so pitiful and sad, that I could hardly stay alive. As I stopped taking meds from time to time, suicidal thoughts were unbearable and exhausting. Most of all I wanted to end this all and to leave this world forever. I thought myself so worthless and seeked what wrong I did to deserve insults and hate. Then I gathered myself again and thought how unworthy those people were. The painful words echoed in my brain, and I just wanted to forget them all. But my memory brought them over and over again. There was no balance or wisdom in such thoughts, but I couldn't control them. I could only wait and wait, till they stop.
Such repeated thoughts had lasted for about three years, when I finally started to feel neutral and found strength to forgive them. Though I knew I still hate what their cruel words did to me. But I let go of this situation. If only people saw each other's thoughts, they'd think twice before mentally hurting anyone.






Sick? Bullied? Guilty!

Once I blocked a “friend” because of the bullshit that I’m always psychotic, I have psychosis from laziness and I have to be “more creative” to cure. To start writing music or more poems, for instance. Oh yea, I’m so lazy and uncreative, I’ve been blogging actually from my last strength. He may tell that life is positive to someone else. I see hurt and sufferings. Bright glimpses of happiness are rare.  What’s more, he was trying to prove me I’m guilty for being offended by insults because of “low self-esteem”. Guilty in being raped too. Ha! I’ve been actually having quite a high opinion of myself. Tired of it. Every abuser blaming me for being “not kind enough”, for wanting to sue them, for being angry. Blaming and shaming, that’s all we get for being sensitive. No, illness and bullying aren’t our fault. Don’t be mistaken by some psychological shit. People must be responsible for what they say and do. Bullies should know their words “make a difference” in someone’s lives. It’s not subjective when you hear awful things. It’s not subjective when you’re sick and not able to be creative. I can’t possibly feel any remorse if I don’t recover from bullying not as fast as I want to, or that I don’t recover from my illness as fast as I want to. It’s not my fault.




Mental dangers


Some say Internet communication is just images and copies and words, no people. Gorgeous. That’s how they justify Internet cruelty. For years I met so much bullying on chess sites and dating sites. It made me disgusted and hurt. People lashed out at me for no reasons. They just wanted to pour out their anger or frustration with life. Seems like we lose the sense of responsibility and decency when we come to the Internet. Some people come online only to mock or abuse others. As if everyone we meet here are spam bots. We might be surrounded by virtual reality, but people there are real. And words hurt. Sometimes I was so hurt, I was frightened someone would do me harm irl, I was suicidal, I had high blood pressure and headache. I was angry too. Such things usually go unpunished, even if people arouse hatred. They think if you don’t cut yourself, they’re behaving alright. Strength is never welcomed. Just to stare at the wall in pain isn’t enough. I’m not sure whether I’m being extra-sensitive or is it a usual way and I’m not the only one who suffers. Not sure, might be, there’re actually quite a lot of vulnerable people who take things seriously and get offended, angry or suicidal. This problem can’t be solved without empathy. Those “images” on the screen are real people…











Illness is a way too


Been thinking why I got so sick. May be some genes, environment and other circumstances. Also a curse. But it is all not so bad in the philosophical sense. As it seems I always strived for competition too much. Like in chess. Used to play chess since five. And I was into some bad occultism, like evoking demons and wishing people harm. Illness made me see that competition is not the only way to exist. I learn something new here. I used not to value people, only the process of struggling “who will be the first”. Now I don’t cling to people either, but I see the value in friends and overall happiness. I had to give up competition with healthy people. But mental illness made me look at life from a different angle. I can now see the pros and cons of both points of views and I feel a bit double-natured. I don’t approve me being sick, but I see that it made me a different person. I had been a much mentally tougher person before. Now I see the value of empathy and tolerance. Always being the one who can’t hit back, I’ve learnt the value of other qualities than being the first in some group. There had been contradictions between me and people who never valued kindness… some bullied me for being too intelligent, sometimes for being “too weak”, some envied me, some despised me… I’ve learnt to choose other type of people. I couldn’t live in the atmosphere of constant competition, even though I had some qualities that could let me stay there. Maybe I chose my illness unconsciously, like anything else we choose in life. Even if unlucky circumstances or a curse, I don’t feel like my life is ruined. I see new meaning and some philosophical sense in it. I know that my feelings are subjective, but just the same the feelings of a sane and healthy human are subjective too! We gain a lot by our own experience, not in theoretical value.





We’re all delusional


The definition of delusion is: “A firm and fixed belief based on inadequate grounds not amenable to rational argument or evidence to contrary, not in sync with regional, cultural and educational background.” (Wikipedia) It implies that the whole conception is subjective. What is normal in one culture, is abnormal in another. What seems good in some religions, might be “a sin” in others. Some values that you learnt at school, may seem weird to those who were brainwashed differently. But they discern such things and simply call dogmas, weird beliefs etc “not delusions” (just because they’re accepted by too many people). Though in reality you know you will be diagnosed delusional only if a shrink will decide that your worldview is inacceptable in a particular society. Then, we have to consider the intelligence of those who judge us: psychiatrists are not those who “know everything about life” and they don’t possibly know all crucial facts about this world. And they are those who set our diagnoses! For instance, all types of delusions (google it) can be explained by telepathy and the theory of field consciousness. The term “delusions” is outdated or purposely used to mislead the general population.

The real trouble is not your beliefs, but the way you behave. If you don’t break the laws and react adequately (sometimes it means keeping silent about your worldview) – you won’t be called insane. So those who come to be watched by shrinks are usually those who did something wrong – who didn’t realize what they were doing or had false assumptions about reality (it’s like that when people don’t understand overall telepathy and conscious Universe theory, and they explain it weirdly, so they are panicking and behaving strange). So it is partly about people not being able to explain weird things happening to them. But – people who don’t undertand the world, may behave normally and they won’t be called schizophrenics.

The third thing is the degrees of delusionality. There’s a range of delusional systems. From the degrees of mental disability to stages of schizophrenia/delusional disorder to religious cults to everyday commonplace misconceptions about reality. The whole spectrum.

My opinion is that the definition of delusion should be the absence of logic and adequate reasoning. Psychotic reasoning consists of fragmented reality - the inability to fully grasp it. Paranormal reasons or some other events play a part, as catalyzers. But it is a distorted picture of reality. Mostly suchlike individuals are only noticed, when they do something unusual and become patients. Delusion is not something to argue about. “Evidence to the contrary” might only mean a different point of view. But the absence of logic clearly indicates that something is wrong. Delusional disorder exists, but we only notice it when it becomes too evident. But we all might have lots of false assumpltions about reality, that don’t disrupt our everyday lives.

In particular, I don’t consider myself delusional at present, as I realized my misconceptions about reality, studied a lot and formed another worldview, that seems to be logical and my life filled with evidence.



 

    3) Overcoming delusions


Overcoming delusions (a subjective guide)


1) How it all started
2) Implications
3) My way of becoming logical


1) Shrinks say that I got sick in childhood – just because I experienced weird things that others didn’t. I used to see some visions of my past lives in my mind. I saw slight shades of dead people in my flat. I used to be interested in reincarnations since 8 years old. I drew pictures of some past life events, as I wanted to memorize it for the future (and I did, as later I forgot everything I recalled in childhood – only the drawings reminded me of it). Other strange things occured, like out-of-body experience. When I was 16, I recalled one of my past lives definitely, as some memories seeped through. Since then I got interested in religions and philosophy, trying to make sense of this world. Later in life, when I was 25, I recalled some other past life, and recently I stumbled into a third one (that I felt justified by my childish memories).

2) The implications were serious, as thinking about my past lives caused some havoc in my brain. I was afraid to be killed. I got paranoid because of it. I thought that everyone knows about me. At 22 I got sick – paranoia gripped me. I mixed up people and I thought everyone was conspiring against me. I didn’t understand what was going on and my behaviour was getting weird. In 2011 (after three years) it got worse – I experienced voices and they told me some definite things. I got too perplexed. I got scared and started to behave weirdly and was sectioned. The thing is, my strange behaviour was explained not only by me being unaware of the world, but because of some brain changes. I didn’t understand spirituality as I do now, so it all got worse, as I couldn’t see what’s behind it all.

3) I started to work at my soul’s development a lot – I was reading a lot, realizing that my weird experience was something spiritual, that didn’t need to be cured. What needed to be cured was my lack of logic and strange behaviour. Most people experience something in their lives and many people are religious, but it doesn’t make them behave weirdly. I realized that voices can indeed be ghosts and that reincarnations have a right to exist. Strange coincidences were easily explained by conscious Universe theory. I started to see Multiverse as one psychic entity, with overall telepathy. Souls who have most psi-energy are called “gods” here, but they’re only a part of gradually evolving psychic world. Seems like evolution created some programmed features like “gods” or “satans”, that reveal itself in all souls. We’re all one. I mostly write about it by “conscious_Universe” tag. So the world started to make sense to me and everything was set in place. Delusions stopped to be delusions, as they were explained rationally. Psychoses simply stopped to happen, as I had no reasons to panic about. With more logic, even my weird behaviour mostly started to get to normal. Maybe positive brain changes followed too, as I sensed some memory improvement.

I decided not to write a book about it, as I’ve already written everything in my blog. I’m “lazy” (you know I’m too sick for writing serious books). I do as much as I can that a person with serious mental disability can do in the world. Maybe I’m wrong? But it will get clear with time. Consider my writings as some reincarnational theory that can possibly be the truth.

Silliness, mental illness and men

I really try to interpret other people’s thoughts in vain… I won’t be able to see myself from their point of view. I only see the truth. I won’t get into a world where everyone having different opinion can be called silly and strange. And it’s a world where my lack of ability to communicate is interpreted as negative attitude to people. And my paranoia explained as silliness. The trouble is that I’m rather ordinary. I don’t search for victims at night. People feel disappointed.
There’s some pressure and humiliation as you enter some society where there’re too many males. They don’t like intelligent women. But they don’t like silly women too. As in chess. Hard to join the club, even harder when you’re sick but no one excuses you any mistakes, and you automatically become “silly”. Lack of communicative skills and paranoia are explained as silliness by those who want to see you as a decorative thing and a silly woman. Men seem to see a clever woman as a threat.
I just think, maybe some men refuse my friendship because they don’t need women as friends. As they think I’m not clever enough. Some just want sex and their bright conversations end, as soon as they get what they want. And I need more friends, than lovers. Especially people don’t like if you’re fixed on some topics and fields and don’t talk of general things with them. They think it’s a sign of silliness. They don’t like those who get too enthusiastic about things. Being too absorbed. Though it’s something that gives much joy – to be fond of things.
In a world where you have to try hard to get your place in it, mental illness is not the best quality. Another excuse for men to humiliate you. Especially hard, when you’re getting more sensitive from illness and at the same time get more abuse just because it’s impossible to fit in. Easy to call me stupid as my thoughts are often scattered, and I barely get through the day. They don’t see – mental illness is not just a word! Strange thoughts and behavior is explained by silliness. People think paranoia or temporary lack of logic is a sign of stupidity. I wish to be as clever as 10 years ago. Feeling awkward I used to be a clever schizoid, but turned into slightly extroverted and dumby-looking as I got very slow. I just wish to be healthy and fight again.
There was more thrill in life, when I wasn’t spending days waiting for psychotic thoughts or trying to learn to communicate. Might be, I’ll find a new way of living with new features… slightly psychotic thoughts and ability to communicate is not so bad. There’s some irony that when I’m getting less attentive and able, I realize it and get disappointed in myself, trying to think I can control illness. It’s nice to imagine how you suddenly get better and surprise those who thought you were stupid. But in reality recovery is a long process, taking years.




How I stopped being a stubborn mental health fanatic

Recently I've been trying to limit my Internet presence. I deleted my Russian LJ and lastfm account. Not living too openly anymore. Not wishing popularity. Not bragging about how I'm hurt from mental health stigma. And there're reasons for it.

First of all, mental stigma is just one of many problems caused by capitalism. Capitalism was created by nature. If it appeared, then there were some reasons for it. Nature likes competitions. To overcome it, we should realize that there're better things in life than competitive struggle for survival. Trying to get an excellent attitude to the mentally ill means changing all competitive society, where the weakest are bullied and shunned. But it's the core of capitalism. It's deep-rooted into people's brains. It's not just one or two bullies.

Then, actually mental health activism is just another dull get-together. Not all people are wise or intelligent there. One has to seek friends not regarding mental illness as priority! Even though mentall ill people are frail and sensitive, and I rather like them. Though I'm not a fan of being too frail and not able to survive in life. The trouble is, mental health activism is just ostentation. If you are hurt with stigma, you seek the help of friends, not crowds. Attracting attention by mental illness seems not good, if one has no other interesting qualities. But then, everyone needs a place to vent and lots of people blog or tweet about their experience. The trouble is that mental illness catches attention and normies focus on illness rather than accepting a person.

The third reason is that I find those who stigmatize me, are too stupid themselves. It always amazes me how men dislike a mental illness, no matter how sexually attractive and intelligent you might be. The cult of normality and strength is deeply rooted in our culture and biology. They aren't rational or clever. They might be less moral. But they're HEALTHY! Some of my "friends" considered me "unpredictable", just because I didn't have certain beliefs and doubted everything in the world. But actually such people just didn't like my character and personality. Mental illness or poverty or anything else are just excuses for bullying. Some people only value success and healthiness. They don't care for spirituality or love. They say to me: "you could be successful", "you can get healthy", as if it should be my aims in life and they will love me for it! They're fake. I'd never fit in their world. Actually I'm disabled and I'm not from those who recover. And I don't like my weakness but I'm among many others who don't recover and stay in the shade of the glamorous recovered. Society wants miraculous stories of how we recover and become normies!

The fourth reason is that psychoses might be the truth. Some peculiar spiritual experiences, that atheists deny. So society is trying to lock up those who "know too much" about the spiritual world and magic. There's something strange. Usually, when lots of people say the same things, they're believed in! As it's quite a crowd of psychotic people with the same experience. But here shinks and scientists suddenly say that "it all doesn't exist". Then again, governments' violence is usually much more typical than the violence of the mentally ill. Sick people are just scapegoats to distract the crowds' attention from bigger issues. Organized religions are never called a delusional disorder, as any organized religion, however small and however good its ideas might be, is a mind-controlling sect, as politicians use people's beliefs to rule them. They ban occultism, as it's the secret knowledge for the few. They want a well-manipulated herd, not free individuals!

So I stopped being a dumb mental health fanatic and continued my life in relative equanimity and happiness. I've found some spiritual force in myself and it supports me more than whinings about "the wrong world".









 
                4) Poverty and social classes


Silly? Lazy? Sponger?


Was ruminating what I could have done or who I could have been if not my illness. The worst thing is that I can't organize myself and things when dealing with people. Managing interactions at work was impossible. Though I wouldn't mind better memory too. Without memory lapses and forgetfulness. But it doesn't depend on me. I try to develop memory as much as I can.
Seems constant exchange of information is the essence of life. But I'm bad at it. The thing is that exchange of info and communication is not the essence of life to me... I like solitude, ruminations and solitary activities.
Normal "friends" just can't stop bragging about their lives and pointing out how successful I could be if I wasn't "lazy" and that I "have no excuse". And I waste my time arguing with them. The fact is I don't need any excuses. I'm mentally disabled and I'm not lazy at all, trying hard to do what I can. Abulia doesn't differ from usual fatigue. It's even worse. Kind of an empty feeling, when you're not tired, still can't do anything.
But such people are very annoying. For them the conflict between wanting to do things and not being able to do - means you're bad and lazy. That's the reason why such people can't really be friends: instead of understanding you, they try to make you fulfill their requirements.
I have difficulty with telling people I'm disabled - it's no good. Telling them I'm mentally disabled - worse. They don't believe I'm sick, as I look normal. And if I look normal, they naturally think it means I'm pretending and I'm lazy. Though they don't see me in psychosis and I'm tired of people blaming and shaming me for being sick and not able to do things. And it's after five hospitalizations and disability! I'm not irritable, but when people keep telling me it's better for me to die than not to gain success... I get angry.
I seem to get more complaints than understanding from some people. They think I don't carry out my functions. That's most important for them. I started to suspect that for some people my mental illness is just another reason not to like me and to reproach me. As if it's a flaw and my fault. People would just use my mental illness to humiliate me. And if I can't understand them, they'd think me silly. And really - how would I prove I'm clever, if I have bad memory? When I'm reading books I'm like a dog that understands but can say nothing.
Some "friends" told me that they're good as they work, and I'm no good, as I don't work. And I don't know how to mend it. Feeling like a criminal. Should I only think of distant future that might never come, when I'll be able to carry out my functions in the society and will be respected again? Do mentally disabled people have no right to be respected just the way they are? Some call me "a sponger", as if I never did anything useful in my life. Though I'm glad I'm not the kind of a "consumer" that works twelve hours on a tedious unloved job and then watches TV all evening. I'd prefer to be "useless".












Society, traumas and PTSD


I catch myself thinking: what's it all for? What do I strive for? What do I want in life? I just want to cuddle alone and shun nasty people! I dislike if people treat me as if my illness is the only valuable thing in me. Though it's not true. I could have been more useful without it. Don't understand what's an odd tradition-to list all of your illnesses in your profile. A person doesn't consist of illnesses, it's a bonus! Though I dislike if people tell me I "look healthy". The trouble is that how can stigma exist, if people tell me I look normal! They think me healthy! Only lazy and silly. I think normal people don't see how many difficulties we encounter in life because of mental problems. They only see healthy look! The more we battle stigma, trying to appear normal, the less sympathy we evoke. We have to rather show vulnerable side than pretend to be normal. While we don't walk naked on streets, we're just normal to normals. A sudden gap in the chain of thought is not a proof of insanity to them! Why don't all those mentally cruel jerks realize they hurt us? Then dawns on me - they can't see when they hurt others, as they can't feel hurt! I struggle hard every day to make my brain work and to lead a meaningful life. How can people tell me I'm "lazy"&"silly", if I try so hard??

 Really I can't possibly bother if people hate me for what I am. I've been living my life, struggling with illness and other adversities. Can't care. I dropped out of society of those striving for perfection long ago. I don't fit in. I don't need people to point me out I'm different. You see, haters just will think anything they want. We're not obliged to predict their thoughts!

I think I'm very disappointed in people. And I find myself regressing to a child's state. I'm reading fairy-tales and try to avoid people. They say a problem for the mentally ill is to integrate psychotic experience into social interaction model. I've been looking for paranoia explanation. They say, some people tend to form overvalued ideas, so it's natural for them to become paranoid in reaction to stressful events. Voices come from paranoia, paranoia comes from ideas of grandeur, such ideas come from feeling small. Poverty is a reason to some mental cases. Seems the more you suffer in life - the more stress - the more psychotic disorders you get! I just think my environment won't let me recover. My life is quite stressful. I don't have a loved job, meaningful relationships or friends nearby.

People seem to like call me silly if I have ptsd. They think it's silly to get hurt. I just think they can't feel anything. Idk if I'm fostering my ptsd, but I seem can't get used to stresses. I want life free from extreme stresses, but they happen. Getting hurt from jerks ISN'T silly. It's their fault, not mine. Jerks are only waiting for you to get weaker for them to crush you! They delight at your emotions and feelings they evoke! From childhood I was always shunned. I've been exploring life further and finding not only abusive men, but those who bite, threaten and rape... the more I seek, the worse I find...It seems when your mind is weak and psychotic, all kinds of sc*m gather around you to do evil. And the trouble is to discern what was first: psychotic features in character or jerks gathering near you…

I'm always alone. And never worry about it. Being with people makes me awkward. Though I'm finding it hard to accept my life is limited by my illness. So some things of life just elude my attention. I'm absorbed into my schizoid world. I find little in common with other people, except my mental illness. And I doubt I'd ever have found friends if I wasn't sick.

And I see, that any time some social classes and money are involved, my relationships with some people get worse. Mentally ill are a little better. I actually tend to make friends with most hopeless people, and they accept me, as money doesn't matter for them. Actually I have little work experience and a profession I hate. And how can I talk about rehabilitation? Really, now I earn as much money on disability as I had for 12 hrs of stressful interpreter's job. Just the same minimal salary. I had 5 stressful years looking for a job. Now thinking with horror what I gonna do without disability. No motivation to get healthy.

I feel so dull - there's my mental illness I can't possibly control without meds. And being without meds means not only freedom, but suffering. I just want to live without meds and to work. But how to achieve this, I absolutely don't know. I have psychoses when I give up meds. And no good job. Emotions get tarnished on meds. As if I'm not living in reality. As if feelings are muted. They're different. I numb myself with meds, as pain is too strong. Dissociation is easier! In psychogenic paranoid psychoses adverse environment acquires qualities of a trauma. They say, psychogenic psychosis is connected with dissociation. My psychoses are always connected with traumas and represent multiple shit I went through in life. I need to reduce stress and battle traumas first. I read some good books on dissociation&PTSD, but will it help me while my brain is already so damaged?

Shrinks want to make sure I take meds regularly and have disability. But I'm depressed all the time. Seems to me mental illness and disability give more advantages than negative sides. Talking to nice people and some money. But I'm mostly depressed from poverty and from knowing I was psychotic only half a year ago - ashamed of myself. I believe I'm depressed from the mere fact of illness. I want to forget it, but every evening I take meds and recall I'm sick.

The fact is, our society is changing fast, in future we might not care about the stigma. Just to think, where would we be without modern meds? We'd just be raving in our delusions and hallucinations forever! But right now you have to be wealthy to risk coming out. When you have other troubles, discussing your mental diagnosis with friends&others is not the best idea. They judge you according to money you earn. Then I get depressed and stop finding anything good in life. And yea, it's hard to find good, while you have no friends, lovers and a job. The trouble is that life is not too good, and it all makes me depressed, and depression makes me lose memory, energy and motivation.

I'm fed up with this world. And my illness and disability only accentuates this fact. Fed up of animal struggling for surviving. I was despaired as I thought I'll never become human enough for people. But I never had such thoughts earlier as I associated with people and they accepted me. Might be I just choose wrong people and then regret. They don't appreciate any of my merits. That's strange. Just when you're stigmatized because you're poor, you're supposed to shut your mouth. But I'm used to struggle for justice. If people use my illness in class struggle against me to do me harm - they're jerks. They think I'm silly&lazy, as I have difficulties due to mental issues! Some tell me not to be f*cked up, but to be creative. The thing is that I'm already quite creative, still people think me *ucked up. I'm not successful enough for them.

I'm having rather a lot of Aspie features, so it's double hard for me to understand anything about people. I'm rather lost in society. I know it's much easier to write than to talk, so I prefer to make friends online. I wouldn't have a chance irl. I'm silent and reserved. I hardly need to meet people more than several times a year. And the main reason is that irl communication is much harder and duller to me. I feel it's easier to talk online, than to sit with friends and be silent for hours. I think people don't understand me irl. They think me silly as I can't talk much. But I have no trouble writing.

My bullies said I'm unhappy. But I never felt unhappy struggling with life and overcoming difficulties. My heart was always full of emotions. I believe such people don't think I have a right to be happy and they don't understand how can I get happiness from books, music and friends.

I guess my personality is being tainted by society from childhood. No wonder I'm mentally ill now. Everyone's survival is not boundless. Mental illness is only compensatory-adaptive mechanism of mind to this imperfect world. I think people might be angry for me not fitting into their world-view. But it's not my problem clearly. I just live my life as I can.







The roots of the problem


I've read and read mental health stuff and came to the conclusion that a mental illness is just a passive protest against a sick society. You've been trying all your life to succeed, to struggle no matter how little resources you have. Then you break and they blame you for "being weak" and lazy. Might be, negative portrayal of schizophrenics in the newspapers - only exists to distract social attention from bigger issues and to find scapegoats!

Some articles about the correlation between mental health and capitalism:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVQ4LIp39Xo

http://vestnikburi.com/kapitalizm-i-depressiya/


«Poverty and related issues are a significant risk factor for psychosis. More than 50 studies in Canada, Denmark, Finland, Great Britain, Norway, Sweden, Taiwan and The United States showed that the poorest people were eight times more likely to be diagnosed "schizophrenic" than the wealthiest. The poorest class was three times more likely to be treated for psychiatric problems.»   

«Health as a social justice issue: the more unequal society becomes – the more exploited and powerless people feel in their workplaces and lives – the more likely they are to get sick.
Adults who appeared to be living the hardest lives, and costing society the most, were starting “the race of life from a starting block somewhere behind the rest”.
There is a moral sickness in a society where the powerful pursue policies that advance their own economic and social interests at the cost of the least powerful.» 





My vague life views


Guess I'm really too tolerant to people. I'm too flexible and ready to understand everyone. I understand all good and evil and see pros and cons. And I'm only able to ruminate, as there's a fine line between good and evil.
When I started to study socialism, I realized the vanity of mental health struggle. The whole system of society is wrong. Maybe, for my own egoistic reasons I justify that "struggle". I like to talk about mental health out of vanity and just for sharing experience with friends. But I never comply to my enemies, relatives and friends’ demands - feeling "above" it. Though I know their point of view that I'm degraded is not devoid of meaning.
I know people in mental health movement who are much more consistent than me... actually, it's anyone... I'm just a betrayer of myself. Maybe, it's just that mental illness doesn't go well with my previous life philosophies. So I'm bound to be contradictional. I always thought myself too eclectic. I never fitted in anywhere. Mental illness just exacerbated it. I can't really fight for any ideas that I feel inclined to - I'll always be too unsure.
I won't stand up and say that “this or that” is the only solution. I'll always find arguments for the other side. People are too different, so one solution is impossible. So how can I struggle for ideas I'm not sure of? I only do things out of my individualistic moods. I was always reluctant to "struggle for ideas". I could do some educational work, spreading mental health awareness, but not more. I felt pathetic and desperate, when people rejected me. But I don't want to judge their choice.
Some people can easily say that they're "against this and for that". But I feel unsure. I'd like all people to be friends and understand each other. But they're too different. I react when abuse and blame and injustice is aimed on me, but it's only my personal feelings, not "fight for ideas".
I can't say I'm "too weak to have an opinion". I have my point of view on everything. But I always consider pros and cons of my convictions. Then I can't be 100% sure that my way is the "rightiest".





The cult of strength


Today I’ve come across an interesting article and would like to share my thoughts:

http://chrisvoncsefalvay.com/the-cult-of-suffering/



First, I’ll say briefly, what it’s all about. The main thing about it is that “The cult of suffering, weakness and vulnerability has become central to contemporary liberal identity politics”.
Actually, I agree with some statements. Like “it degrades the victim to suffer alone”,  and that a person should be reintegrated into society through trauma processing. The authors criticize contemporary online communities of patients, as they suppose it’s not the real process of ‘communal healing”, as it should mean getting healthy and coming back to society. The present process of sick people’s integration to society is dysfunctional, in their view, as patients stay the “others”, the traumatized”, not willing to part with their diagnoses. They blame patients in being competitive with each other, “who suffers most”. And they present sufferers’ efforts as a too individualistic “echo chamber”. They notice the wish of patients to be called fighters, “warriors”, seeking the role of a strong person. Their point of view is that patients are looking for “sidelined existence on benefits”, so the cult of suffering is the only role available for them in this broken society.

It correlates with my thoughts that mental stigma is just one of many problems caused by capitalism. The whole competitive society, where the weakest are bullied and shunned, dictates patients’ (and authors’) models of behavior. On one hand, patients seek the roles of healthy persons, while remaining weak. They want to be “like everyone else”, even if they’re not able to. They often limit their communications to a close circle of fellow sufferers, so they stay within the less demanding atmosphere. They indeed are often competitive with other patients to claim their worth in being “warriors against misfortunes”. On the other hand, lots of recovered or partially recovered patients prefer either not to disclose illness or to make it a point of “glamorous recovery” and to make some profit. The thing is, everyone wants to appear strong and healthy. What’s more, the authors’ opinion seems to be that all patients are able to recover and that the recovery should be a final destination for EVERYONE, not considering the degree of illness! That is not actually the cult of suffering, but the cult of normality, healthiness, success and strength that is deeply rooted in our culture and biology. The trouble is that maybe the cult of suffering is a part of the cult of strength too. Just those who are strong, deal with life best, the others accept not being able to change anything and that they have to justify their very existence. So some patients try to justify themselves even by the fact of illness itself! Why do Christians wear crosses? It's not a cult of suffering, it's a cult of strength. Authorities were rather happy that they crucified god, so they made up such imagery.

My shrinks told me the same – to be stronger and respect myself. Why should I expect people to be sympathizing with me not being able to work and having a frail personality? Why should people be obliged to be kind to me? The very fact of being vulnerable is not a reason to like a person. There must be other qualities present too. Then, society wants successful people with no problems. Even while the crowds seem to start to accept others’ being vulnerable (mostly in less serious mental issues), the truth is that there’re other people at the top of the ladder, who are mostly healthy, wealthy and strong. And while we’re cultivating our weaknesses, others are making money on us. If we’re such a developed society, why there’re still wars and socio-economic problems everywhere? We accept some beauty of mental suffering and not being able to cope, while the leaders rule us. Some reject such things and turn to the point “I’m a warrior”. They seem to be proud to be highly-functional, always separating themselves from their fellow sufferers with disabilities and other mental problems. People who are not high-functioning or having more serious issues than others, are often shunned.

The solution might not be simple. If people could find anything in the world other than competitive survival, it could make a difference. Not being obsessed with "proving one's worth" to the ruling system and not making themselves seem too important, boosting self-worth by complaining about issues or presenting oneself as a “glamorously recovered person”. If we could focus on other things than validating ourselves as “strong fighters”, fit for survival in this cunning and rotten society… if we could perceive life as something more than a competitive struggle for survival… more than the question “to overcome illness or not to overcome”, if we could see the beauty of nature, the beauty of intelligent thoughts and creativity, spirituality (for those who accept it), then we could build a better world, where people won’t be dwelling on the ideas of contest and will accept other human beings as equal in spirit.





A place of a person with schizophrenia in a gender world


I was always annoyed by the idea of men that you have to either have one-night stand or be ready for many children. Even when I was healthy. Now I'm sick and they are not bothering me with respect too (except the ghost and some others, the chosen ones). A sick person will bear no kids and will be troublesome for one-night stand. A sick person is easy to use too, but mostly they didn't even notice I was sick. Still the title of schizophrenia keeps away some seekers of their profit. Those who want you to play certain roles. Not exactly relationships, but they call it so. If men could use you for smth, they'd be happy. But mental illness makes them disappointed. What can you take from a poor dangerous childless schizophrenic? :D

One thing is that when I was healthy, I encountered much injustice from men too. I met lots of jerks, and it was not only because the environment was bad. In relatively good environment peope simply envied my cleverness and started conspiring against me. Then, the starting illness made my behaviour weird – I was too naive and some people thought it’s from youth. But later it occurred that it was a mental illness developing. When I got sick, I got to some more wealthy circles, but there was the same abuse and neglect. They didn’t even think me sick and simply wanted to use me for sex. And those who thought me insane, shunned me, because I was “not good for anything”, in their opinion. They knew it was dangerous to mess with me, as I was “unpredictable” (at least in a sense that I could suddenly suicide), and that I was no good for having children. So the more people got aware of my illness, the less they annoyed me with empty sex. And it was a good thing. Still those who didn’t know exactly to what degree I was sick, continued to use me for their aims.

I talked to all kinds of people irl and online. I used to wish to find mutual love. But instead I found some horny *ssholes who wanted quick sex, or men who stubbornly wanted me “to have kids”, as if it’s the only aim of marriage. I didn’t know that other types of men exist, till I became choosier in acquaintances. I used to strive for success in chess since I was a kid, though I had no proper environment – no any chess club in my town and no pc. Still later in life I started to gain some value – I was even offered to be a chess club director. But it all happened when I became mentally sick. I didn’t have time to succeed. My idea of life was never focused on kids. I strived for excellence in chess. I tried to find like-minded people. I knew that family takes time, and I had my goals – I didn’t see a way to combine it. Chess was all I cared for in life, the thing that got me most pleasure. Sometimes I fell in love though. I didn’t feel obliged to both have children and succeed in my work – I used to think you have to choose one thing.

There was much pressure till I was healthy, from relatives and some local environment, that I must have a family and kids. But later, when they discovered I’m sick, they stopped bothering me with such notions. Sometimes some shrinks and relatives were advising me that “if I can’t succeed in life, I’d better marry and have kids”, as if for a sick person it is not as hard as holding a job! They thought that now they can rule me because I’m sick and “have to follow everyone’s advice”. I lost some aim in life, when I lost chess – I had to give it up because of illness. And family was not a substitute for creativity and brain puzzles. So in a way I feel calmer now, that no one pushes me into anything – society gave up on me and left me alone. Even men who could be offering me empty sex, mostly avoid me when they learn about my problems – as no one likes problems. Almost everyone wants a healthy person with no flaws, to play some role in their lives. Maybe I’m left without grand aims, but I’m left without jerks too.

 Well, sometimes I actually received a negative reaction online, because I’m still relatively intelligent for a schizophrenic person and some envy from men exists. They see you as a competitor and they want to fight to defend their place in society. Mostly they fight by sex – humiliating you so, trying to make you dependent on them. Mostly they had no real feelings, they just wanted sex to gain some status over me. But when I got mentally sick, they started to humiliate me with my illness – as if nothing is worse than schizophrenia and I’m the worst woman anyway. I don’t say much about social differences here – they existed too, but they were not so evident. Mostly it was about male attitude, and they only used social differences to underline that. Men envy intelligence much, it is a sad thing, as we all want to be appreciated for who we are. Then another thing, when I got so sick I used to have flaws in logic and peculiar language (and I have now), but men were actually malevolent, as if it was what meant to happen to me – as if an illness is a punishment to me for me trying to get “too high”. Sometimes I see how people use my mental flaws to prove that I’m lower in class than them, maybe the core of it is some misogyny rather than class struggle.

I got into much division between men and me, and it happened because of their behaviour. Only lately have I found sympathizing men who didn’t abuse or humiliate me, who can be real friends. And partly it was because I restored my self-respect that I lost during my mental illness. I stopped “trying to change all *ssholes in the world” and started living my life surrounded by empathetic and thoughtful people.



 
5) Conscious universe


About coincidences and signs


I used to ruminate a lot in psychosis about coincidences between me and anything else in the world and “secret signs”. The thing is, I always used to have a notion that the world is full of secret signs, even when I was healthy. Since 16. But it didn't prevent me from living a normal life! Maybe, the thoughts like "I know too much about the world" do harm to our brains. A constant stress.

Now my friends complain to me that they're being spied on through mobiles, as they see clear coincidences in their news feed. But I see coincidences everywhere, in Internet and irl. Maybe I'm being watched too, even without webcameras and microphones?

Science and evolution seems good, but the whole atheistic world view might be like an escape from reality. There's no use to be certain and believe in the absence of god, while my friends even send me photos of ghosts!

What is it really, when schizophrenics think that everything in the world is about them, news and songs etc? Maybe, we're all little parts of a thinking Universe, so we unite. Our thoughts merge. All coincidences, no matter if they’re conscious or not, are signs of harmony in the world. Some order in chaos. Guess the sense of life is connecting. Uniting everything, constant communication between people and objects. From that unity comes freedom and love. Integration between everything: between broken parts of our personality, between people, between countries. We might be connected in deeper ways than just this physical Universe. But even this material world shows signs of integration everywhere.





A bit delusional


We might be living in a computer simulation, but we're unaware of it. We’re all able to influence the world order to some extent. Just some of us are more conscious about it than others. God is the Universe itself. The infinite self-awareness.













Mentalscapes


I feel that my followers get puzzled. How is it that I’ve been describing some complicated situations here, while nothing is happening in reality? I was puzzled myself at first. Then I realized it’s just imaginary situations. They happen in the spiritual world, not here. One can say they don’t happen, but they lead to results. Imaginary suicides leave spiritual corpses. I died lots of times in such a way. Many people can relate that we do experience a spiritual death if we're into deep depression. Imaginary deaths get spiritually valid while spirits accept it and it leaves you with ptsd too. Imaginary threats could actually lead to some spiritual consequences, even though souls are immortal and can only choose to disappear. Imaginary sex with ghosts can lead to a spiritual child (spirits sent me a pic of him to our Russian EVP group). So the border between mentalscapes and reality is vague. Sometimes visualizing events can really lead to some changes in this world, even though vague. As it is programming. This world is only a small part of the whole spiritual Universal entity. So programming this world is not the only aim one must have in life. Once I had my finger aching while I was trying to spiritualy destroy myself. This Matrix allows some changes by thought. But you have to understand if you’re programming events in the spiritual world, the events will most likely stay there. So my posts about some “events” – it is what is imaginary in this world, but valid in the afterworld. From here it all looks shady. But there in the spiritual world you see the real deaths, suicides, children that were “thought up”. They live in other dimensions and with other frequency and maybe with the help of science we might connect better to them someday.





The big sleep


Have to say a few words on this overall ignorance and oblivion. The thing is, if I was born with exactly such data, it is not only "conscious Universe". We program it. It means that unconsciously or even consciously I wished something like this. Exactly these first and last names, patronymic, a birthday, a face, a nickname and all other data. The same about anyone. We create our info.

What we do here on Earth is only half-conscious. As we don't have access to all spiritual info that we have in dreams. That is why shit happens. When we have dreams, we realize such faults that we are making here.

We’re born with erased memory, and rare people are interested enough to go to a regressologist to recover their past lives or to recall something themselves. We’re born with minimum skills, even though we might have known much more in our past lives. Illnesses and environment often prevent us from getting our aims. Most humans don’t remember who they are and who they were.

So all our data must be meaningful, as it reflects something unconscious about us. All our actions are meaningful, but we don’t know it. We may have the same physical features and interests that we used to have in past lives. We may surround us with kindred souls that had been with us for centuries. But here in this Matrix we don’t remember everything and we behave as if this one life is the only thing that exists.

In our dreams or during some out-of-body experience we can get more info, but rare people are interested in “waking up”. When we close our eyes, we actually wake up. We live here as if in some game. Oblivious to the undercurrents.

Everyone could be more conscious if one tries, though.






Global telepathy


I often talked about egregors and global subconsciousness. There’re similar terms. Collective unconscious is filled with universal symbols, archetypes are revealed in everyone - just different facets of it. Egregors are group thought forms. An egregor is a more occult term – I suppose the brain can’t store archetypes, it is not scientific, so it inevitably draws us to the question of telepathy. But considering some new data, I meant something more.

Signs on pics I didn't know about can be explained not only by spirits, but by global telepathy, but this idea requires a soul's presence - some global bank of knowledge where a soul can get info. When I wrote "global subconsciousness", I meant the whole conscious Universe connected by telepathy, always exchanging information, not only archetypes. People transmit and exchange thoughts by telepathy not only when they consciously want it. We are sending subconscious signals all the time! The same goes with plants, animals, planets, molecules – it is all connected by constant telepathy – exchanging spiritual data – that makes conscious evolution possible.

So there’s much more data in the common subconsciousness field, than just typical plots and characters – there’s practically all info there: all signs and numbers and historic data. And it gets revealed in books and music and art and everywhere – not only archetypal features, but many little details! As I said, there’s the main plot of development in the Multiverse, and it is not only about archetypes, but about a real story – as there must be the perfect representatives of it. One story that has lots of variations throughout the Universe. I perceive global subconsciousness as the “place” where all info is stored, not only typical plots and notions. And there’s also all info about the main plot with all little details of it. It has not only a symbolical, but practical value.




 
6) Egregors


About god


I guess if I write about "god" or "satan", it's mostly about thoughtforms or egregore. About souls sharing common ideas and being connected by similar thoughts and influencing each other. There's no single god or satan in no human. The egregore might coexist simultaneously in different people. Maybe all people could be gods or satans, if they chose to educate themselves and develop their psychic abilities. Nothing is impossible. Just they don't want to. Though I’ve met few people who can cope with mystic things.

Even though satan is only a Christian concept, it occurred in other religions too. Similar ideas. Dark gods. Belobog-Chernobog dichotomy. Upyrs (vampires) and bereginis (rusalkas, guiardians) in Slavic culture. Then the development of its image through centuries. God is also a universal concept. Mostly it’s not about real gods, but about ideas in our brains. But ideas constitute our material reality. We’re all god’s subconsciousness. Little parts of something bigger than us. And at the same time everyone is a Universe in itself.

Coincidences and all synchronicity in the Universe might be all explained by constant connection between all objects on many non-material levels. First I thought about it when in childhood I read Cheiro’s Book of numbers.  Then lately a book by Jean Baudrillard “The System of Objects” impressed me. I didn’t study numerology much yet, so I don’t look for deeper mathematical connections, like some researchers do. I just google symbols and numbers, consider all possible meaning they may have, choose the most common variants of explanation. It’s rather amateurish, I know.

The entity of all symbols and numbers and all other shit is the essence of the world itself. Thoughtforms that represent reality in another level of being. Everyone is “a path, a walker and a sign”, like one guy said. The Universe has its code and it can be deciphered.





About “god” and “satan”


"God" and "Satan" as just concepts created by the global unconsciousness. They’re vague. Egregors. As voices say, half people are on each side. But it's actually only two souls existing like milliards of people. And more precisely - just one Universal soul. The later division creates interesting characters though. It's just an experiment. You see peculiar characters and faces. Diversity. Though it's just one entity. Amazing. So don't think I mean anyone in particular if I "struggle against". It's very vague. Some souls are more elaborate but they only represent a little part of what is meant by egregors. Me too. Yea, elaborate souls have much power. But still they're a tiny part as human beings. Our body sets boundaries. And the whole crowd sets boundries. Even if having absolute power - not forgetting that other beings influence Universe too to some extent. Each one. It's not just that god or satan reincarnates a limited number of times. They're in everyone's soul. People cherish some qualities and develop their skills. Not that people aren't unique. They are. Just too many variants of development.

If someone fits into description, it just means he/she has more revealed qualities so one can be more conscious about one's destiny. But it could be anyone. God/satan whatever you like. As we're the same souls from one source. You might say the dark and the light are approximate and relative notions. And it's true, they merge and interact. The whole world psyche is too complicated. As it always tended to be divided more and more into little particles. And they all tend to get together again. It's eternal.

I suppose that talking directly, such "persons" as "god" or "satan" don't exist. As it's in everyone's mind. If to take some most extreme and elaborate examples - many people can fit this description. It's the global spirit. As you simply shouldn't think “god” and “satan” are real people. It's programmed features in the Matrix. Yea, one can represent god in one's human body and can call it so. But there could be thousands of other gods as well. World psyche.





Ambivalence


I guess some spirits are more troubled that I’m exactly those two persons. Not by the fact that I’m “god”. I don’t think they would be much interested in god. But something disturbs them very much. They’re really disappointed even though they’re evil. I mean, it insults even their bad religion’s feelings. Too contradictory. They don’t realize that the world has been ambivalent from the start.

If a person likes and understands what “evil” is, one has to have a clear notion of goodness too. Why do you think any of you is less ambivalent than me? You close your eyes on your own contradictions. If such a bug was created that such an awkward situation happened, it means something was initially wrong in the system. The problems of power. Programmed insanity.
You’re all no less insane than me. Many normies actions are weird. And even not normies. You create some image in your brain that is supposed to represent “goodness” for you, but life is not this way. No matter what “gods” you take to prove your ideas. All values are programmed features.

So many people say that even the notions of good and evil are rather vague. It depends on your point of view. What it matters to you. I personally value freedom, love, kindness, honesty, courage, empathy, knowledge. Some people value strength and their point of view is valid too. You’re programmed so. Values are as illusional as they seem to you.

Values all coincide in your soul. But if there’s a point when you get too wise from experience… nothing except love remains. As the fact of the Universe creation is love. But it is a matter of power too. This ambivalence can’t be deleted from the system.











My idea of psi-reality


(it is only my point of view)

God is the Universe itself. Nature. The infinite self-awareness. With Multiverse gradually developing, there emerged creatures who had more psi-power than others. They’re called “gods” in our human understanding. A soul who has most psi-energy is called the main god. In different cultures and religions it is called different names. But if psi-energy exists at all, there should be souls with most energy (gods) and so if there’s one who has most energy, it must be universal for all cultures, even for aliens. Egregor of «God» is at the same time a representative of all souls. God is you all, as any soul influences each other by telepathy. Satan egregore is a programmed feature too, like god, though it was not supposed to have as much power as god. The truth is that god and satan characteristics are in everyone’s soul to different extent. God and satan are at the same time souls with most psi-power and parts of everyone’s subconsciousness, as Multiverse is one psychic entity.

As souls with most psi-power exist, they inevitably influence the world to a great extent and are noticeable. And they don’t always influence in a good way, as they’re simply souls with most psi-energy, they are not deserved to be called gods or satans at all. They’re humans/aliens with high programming skills. So, considering me playing the role of god in psychosis, are you seriously suggesting me to take responsibility for the Hawaii 2018 and Japan 2011 earthquakes? That's why I don't really understand people who claim to be gods. What are they thinkin of? How to grab more money for their sects? They’re irresponsible or greedy, or psychotic. Open your eyes. Souls with most psi-energy can be evil and they’re not needed to be worshipped. Maybe, “gods” need your help in managing Universe. Maybe they need someone’s advice, psychotherapy, or someone else to take their place. It’s very complicated, as I’m only telling you how the world is arranged in my opinion. It can only be proved by facts, if it is true.







The question of responsibility “for everything” (again)


Considering that god (a soul with most psi-power) exists somewhere, people find it possible to blame it for everything that is happening in the world. And partly it is true, as much psi-power can influence a lot. But considering the theory of conscious Universe, things are not so simple as to leave “gods” the only ones who are guilty. As “gods” are only most developed souls, that emerged with the Universal evolution. They can make mistakes, like anyone else. The whole world is a spiritual entity and it is much more than god. Universe in the main god in itself. The accumulated energy and matter and information. God is not the one who created Universe – it most likely emerged itself. God is only a programmed feature or egregors in the universal picture. It looks like Universe programmed itself to reveal its nature in “gods”, “devils” or whatever. God is not responsible for every shit you do in life. He/she must be only a reflexion of the overall wishes. The crowds’ wish. God can do some evil or good things in particular, but not to change the whole Universal order. A soul with much psi-energy might be able to perform many tasks to make Multiverse better, but not necessary to change the whole world arrangement – as it was developed by itself by conscious Universe. Actually, Universe has most psi-energy of us all, the whole connection of spiritual entities, so even if some persons with much psi-energy perform some tasks, the Universal wish will always be more “godly” than them. (I’m just telling you how it looks from my point of view) So we should each one take responsibility for what we do in our lives, not blame it on superpowers. And to feel ourselves parts of a bigger picture, like pieces of a Universal puzzle.





Jesus as a Universal symbol


I’ve searched and found these good articles (on the question whether Jesus Christ existed or not)



It is clear that much likely he existed. But it is not profitable for atheists to acknowledge it. It is not a question of facts, but of politics and influence. I think, this world is ruled by fringe theories. Particularly, such as "Jesus never existed" and "material world is all that exists". It is profitable for some people. Even though most people believe in the afterworld. But recent researches don't support materialism.

Some spiritual books tell that any historical figure is a reflexion of overall subconsciousness.  So it is possible that Universe arranges some conceptual play of symbols, numbers and signs to show some idea unconsciously. One can be a representative of artificial egregors/or a valid egregor, such as Jesus’s. If something fits perfectly, it might actually mean some Universal plan (as we doubt whether Christ existed or not).

So supposing Jesus didn’t exist, coincidences might be explained by the theory of conscious Universe. The whole spiritual entity. It sets its characters. Multiverse knows who might play the role best of all. So it gives you signs and numbers. But people are not able to read the code.

Coincidences are not accidental in a way that subconsciously we know the spiritual truth about everyone. We can get any info telepathically. It is implanted in our brains. Even if “Jesus” to be a conception of some values/behaviour, it was created by the whole Universal entity, and Universe knows what to do. Supposing “Jesus” is some symbolical entity created in the global unconsciousness (and it is, no matter if he existed or not), then there must be ways of revealing this egregor (as it already formed throughout centuries for some reasons). The egregors and its representatives reveal themselves anyway. It goes unconsciously.

In a way, psychotic delusions are interesting exactly how they present a global spirit. The whole conglomeration of symbolism, even if it doesn’t mean “proofs to existence of something”. As a well-preserved representative of psychotic patients, I’m able to provide you with a clear picture of delusional system. I was supposed to be “staying in hospitals for life”, according to Wiki, with my paraphrenia psychoses, still I live at home, keep some intellect and tell you some stories.

So “proofs” actually might have only conceptual value. It might be. But I’m not sure of it. I don’t know for sure, and I doubt more than I did in summer. Facts gather and gather, but I see that spirits might mean not what they tell me – they might mean exactly the Universal conception, not a real person. But for me it makes no difference, as I’ve got some reincarnational memories to live with, whether they were formed by the global unconscious or by real historical personalities.





This world is like an onion


(This world is like an onion). It has some levels, like onion skin. You peel each level, and some deeper meaning is exposed. One can get justice at some level of understanding... like mental health justice or fight for women’s rights. Or defending the poor and the disabled. But considering big egregors, it's doubtful where justice is at all. A shady topic. Too complicated. Better to avoid thorough analysis - it won't be to my favour. If god existed, well, his deeds are written in religious books and it is not too good – too many curses and violence. So how can god be right and good? I think Christianity is a fan club of Jesus. And those who dislike Jesus, normally turn to atheism or paganism, denying his existence at all. As if detesting something means it doesn't exist. Satan if he existed would have more value than god (or even as an abstract egregor) – more freedom, rebellion and blames to god’s misdeeds. God’s egregor is just some abstract accumulation of psi-power. If god defends the weakest people, it’s only to curse them later as slaves. So god is more hypocritical than satan. These are the reasons why I don’t want to play those games. I wish to stay on the surface of life. I want to care for the mentally ill and their place in the world. Most likely I won’t have another chance to do this – everyone is healthy in the afterlife, so it is unique experience that I gain here on Earth. I don’t know why I was sent here, but as circumstances are now, I represent psychotic people as well as I can. I like this level of understanding reality. Some think I’m talking nonsence by default (because I’m psychotic), some think I fake water pics (I don’t exactly know, I have only about 12 supportive people on twitter, others don’t comment since I got into my “delusional theories”). Though some “friends” indeed said to me that I’d better “visit the shrink”. So for some people my blog posts might mean only some symbolic value – as much as anyone can get switched to big egregors and channel info through them. I see my delusions only as a beautiful problem (even if my theory is true). Psychotic symbolism. It is not supposed to be solved. It is eternal. Why would anyone think it must have solution... it's like there’re many mirrors everywhere. I live as if I'm reflected in the world. And the world is reflected in me.








About paraphrenia


I want to say a few words about paraphrenia and messianic delusion/Christ complex. Also referred to as apocalyptical, mystical, antagonistic (Manicheam) delusions. I experienced it myself since 2011 (and in 2016 spirits definitely told me that I was god). I perceived the world as a place of power struggle between god and satan, with all people being agents of each side.
I perceived my psychosis as some simulated reality – as I later understood – something that happened on a spiritual plane of reality – an artificial situation that was still being played by some characters in their minds. (and we know that if people live through the same fantasy, they (maybe even subconsciously) dream the same dreams together – possible in out-of-body experience)
Seems it’s common among mental health patients in psychosis. But the reason is simple – archetypal features such as “god or “satan” revealing itself in many people. Innate programmed features that are identical in every psyche. We all reveal it to some extent. But psychotic patients exaggerate it. It is connected to conscious Universe – the overall global living soul that manifests itself in different individuals.
Psychotic people are mislead by “voices”. But what are voices? Some say, it’s our subconsciousness talking but I think it’s some cheery spirits who like to play jokes at mentally ill people. So such spirits tell them that they’re gods or god’s messengers. Often patients report hearing voices of god and devil in their head – which means not only particular evil spirits, but some egregors talking. In a way, it is subconsciousness – because egregors, even if they’re formed by real persons, don’t consciously talk – even if god exists, he is not busy consciously talking to all schizophrenic people. It goes on unconscious level. Still people hear “voices”.
I think, the main questions that arise – did Jesus really exist and if he was the main god. It helps to understand if it is possible to find any truth behind numerous patients’ stories. Is it possible to find a real Jesus Christ among fakers and psychotic patients. In other case we should simply perceive Jesus as a universal symbol that manifests itself in all people to some extent (but in some individuals – more clearly).





Some FAQ


“Why don't you stop all wars if you're god?”

But everyone has free will. Universe is one living interconnected entity - we're all responsible for wars.


“Why not teleportation?”

I've seen other people’s teleportation myself. You don't have to be god to do it! We all have different skills here. My developed skills in this life are not teleportation. Mostly it’s telepathic management, some clairvoyance, occasional telekinesis and other psi-skills. Every life gets you a chance to try smth new.


“Did god create everything?”

As far as I know, I stick to a theory of conscious Universe that evolved itself. So the so-called “gods” are the most developed souls here. Supposing such souls could only appear with Universe evolving to some extent, they reflect the spirit of the whole entity, but they’re not what had been from the start. They just represent Universe better than others.










About godly qualities


Considering that the afterworld exists and the existence of psi-energy, the existence of some kind of “gods” becomes inevitable – someone is more evolved in using psi-abilities. “God” is representing the Universe best.
The definition of god – someone who does miracles and rules – explained by psi-power, the one who creates Universe – conscious Universe that evolved a godly feature from the start – so “god” is not exactly a creator.
“God” is a part of thinking Universe that has qualities of a whole system, so its influence can be vast. But in reality you are talking to a Universe itself – a conscious representative of it. The main god is the Universe itself – the infinite self-awareness. The qualities of a part and a whole are merged and it makes miracles possible: a built-in character that has keys to a system because of one’s being evolved enough. The degree of godly qualities is in everyone to a different extent. It is not the absence of personal qualities – on the contrary, they’re sharpened by egregors. Psi phenomena happen, when the character is most well-adjusted to a multiverse order of events and is able to picture oneself as any part of the whole, any flower, mountain or human – the ability to get into the settings of any object and influence it – high telepathic skills, that anyone can enhance in oneself.










 
7) Telepathic programming


About magic
 

I wanted to write something about “magic”. But you know, I’m laconic and not having enough memory. So I’ll say it short – magic is in everything. By magic I actually mean programming reality by thoughts.

1. On a deeper level we do it unconsciously. 2. A conscious thought directed at a particular object or topic, works too. 3. A more visible level is saying or writing words. 4. “Rituals” – any manupulations with objects. Merely any. And our actions.

Subconsciousness we can’t control. But we can control thoughts and words and our movement and actions. And research our psychological problems so that not to let it go deeper into subconsciousness and cause some havoc around.

Thoughts can be wishes of different strength. It requires strong belief that you CAN change reality, repetition of it and concentration on this thought. All skills you can learn from programming will also do here – you can make orders, set different conditions, describe future realities, use symbols and numbers. Create as much as you wish.

While writing thoughts it is better to be grammatically correct at first, but you can make your own rules later. You can program by poems, music or drawings too. Target any aims.

Rituals are our daily magic. Anything you do affects the world. Which way you turn on the road or in the toilet. How much sugar you put in the coffee. How you unwrap packages. The way you walk. The number of your movements. The style of actions. How you arrange any objects at home or at work. Also your thoughts connected to those objects. What you choose to do when there’s a choice between any variants. As variants affect Universe.

It is how I understand reality. My opinion. I’ve been drinking coffee now, some dark ritual, so I seem to have said what I wanted to say.

(July 15, 2018)




About visualisation


Recently I’ve discovered a new (new to me in this life) way to program events. I visualize things in my mind. I may use all senses. I know people are already using such techniques in healing or personal development, but it seems to have a vaster meaning. We can make things happen just by drawing a picture in our mind. Anything. I can build some mental defense using images. Imagining a cocoon around me. It was the first technique I had learnt. But it can be lots more. You just imagine what people might do, how objects will behave… and it happens. Mostly it’s visual, but can be anything even beyond our mortal senses, as our perception is too limited in this Matrix. Even some bunch of thoughts that can’t be deciphered in words, that can be represented in visual shape inside your mind. Feelings and emotions intensify the effect of such “magic” (programming). I won’t give examples, as it seems risky. But it can be programming any event by visualizing the results you want to attain. It requires practice and at first might be one with closed eyes, but then you can do it with open eyes. Maybe, someone will write more about it, I’m not too good at details, as it seems a too important subject. I just do what I do, I’m practical. You may read something like “visualization techniques for programmers”.





About fiction books etc.


I like literature. I’ve spent many years reading, since I was five. Now I’ve started to think, what are fiction books? I suppose it is a set of events happening in parallel worlds. But why it all happened? Just because we wrote about it here. So the border between objective and subjective is vague.

I don’t think it matters what exists in the Matrix and what does not. Imaginary history? Maybe yes, maybe not. Different variants of the past. Symbolism in fiction books and everywhere in the Matrix doesn’t mean history is fake. Signs and numbers are a core of the system. They show the way. If everything is a cipher… then who wrote it? What were their aims? Were they aliens? Or it’s just programmed features to make people curious… some people say Jesus didn’t exist… but in Matrix everything is possible. One may say, all history and fiction is a product of consciousness of all creatures that ever existed here.

Signs are everywhere. The world is a sign. All full of symbolism and numbers. Every little detail. Does it mean the world is not real? Yes. But at the same time it is. Imaginary but still valid to our senses. So the world is not fake but unreal. Even though the historical events happen here. Parallel variants may even overlap sometimes.

Book characters? They might exist somewhere. But here in our reality… they matter as much as we want it. As much importance as we give it to them. We can be any characters. Everyone is everything. But the degree of revealing it varies greatly. Most people – we’d better say they can’t even form their own personality. We can imagine ourselves any historical figures too… anyone can be it later… but not everyone can. And there are no predetermined results. Matrix is variable.

So if to think about any particular book plots… they exist somewhere… they are programmed realities, yea. But we don’t need to follow all ciphers that are hidden in the books or history. We create our own reality here. And even though symbols might show us something valuable about ourselves… it doesn’t mean it is what is happening here, in this variant of this Universe.

We can take some parts of these codes written in books, to apply it in our everyday life. But we have to think more of the actual events happening around us than how to fully apply the books’ plots to it. We have to make our own decisions.




 
8) Comments on using ITC methods





I was partly wrong about EVPs…


At first, when I started to decipher ghost hunts and heard recordings that no one seemed to hear, I thought that it is hidden info in the Matrix. Different levels of access to the info. Then later I discovered some some people can hear the info on ghost hunt files. And three people managed to hear my own EVPs too. Later I discovered that there’re EVPs that can be heard by many people. It left me in a strange mood. Then I realized that some recordings are indeed hidden – they’re heard not by our ears, but by the brain (atheists would say, the brain makes the sounds sound), but the truth is most likely is that it is some other-energy-audio-files connected to our earthly recordings that get switched on, when we listen to EVPs. Matrix. Different levels of access to the info. What is objective anyway? We record physically "visible" sounds - but our brain interprets it anyway. The problem is in the interpertation - the level of consciousness. It is possible that pareidolia exists too, along with real sounds. It adds to the whole picture. But the level of consciousness might play a role, as we don't know how many spiritual files are attached to earthly audiofiles, when we hear it (when sounds are real). On the other hand, there always existed EVP samples that everyone can hear distinctly and it makes people think all EVPs can be heard by ears and can be proven. What makes me think the hidden files info is not my own brain signals? The thing that I can turn it on any second and hear the same phrases, to reduce or increase the volume too. Also the fact that some people hear the same phrases as me and others hear ordinary noise – if it was all brain tricks, they would hear different phrases each one, not the same ones. Some recordings are so loud and distinct it seems unlikely them to be faked by my brain. But – if ITC exists, it is anyway signals that come into my brain – but they’re not from my brain, from other realities. The fact that there’re lots of cases when EVP phrases are heard by many ordinary people, makes it all seem realistic. But protected EVPs make people disbelieve us. So I can just say that I hear what I hear and I always upload true decipherings in my vk group. I know that some people might hear it and some might not. As they’re not ordinary EVPs





The problem in measurement and devices


The reason why some people are so sure the afterworld doesn’t exist, is that our ordinary senses don’t perceive it. We see, hear, touch, smell and taste, but it is limited by our body. The scientific devices we use to measure reality are not perfect too. And they might never be perfect as the most valuable thing in the world is consciousness and its invisible influence. The instruments science uses to study material world, is simply not enough. Every decade new breakthroughs happen, people discover new types of organized energy, emitting, waves, particles. But it’s an eternal process. And our devices are only fit for the small part of the Universe that we see and hear. Some spread a bit further. We can’t measure other dimensions or parallel variants yet. We don’t have full access to the afterworld, as this Earth is only a tiny bit of physical reality. Surely, everything exists in a material form – even thought and consciousness are material in a way, but not perceivable by our devices. We believe our measurers and know that our eyes are not the only trustworthy device. But just the same we should understand that our appliances are not sufficient for observing ALL possible realities. Dark matter is only a vague example of what is beyond our senses. Yea, after encountering paranormal things ourselves, we change our opinion. Still the casual thoughtless belief that “what I see is what it is” prevails in society, despite numerous books on the paranormal and the afterlife. Atheism uses such belief, though the thought about “not knowing enough yet” is simple. It is highly misleading, that people deny the other worlds, just because they don’t see it, but they don’t deny atoms and molecules. The useful thing in atheism is their struggle against god and rational arguments to it. But closing their eyes on the afterlife seems like another sect. People are kept calm, as the less they know, the better. Indeed, the afterworld can be weird and vast. Some knowledge is better not to be spread to the large crowds. As you have to be cool and mature to accept the other realities and not be driven to panic. Small groups of researchers benefit humanity though. And gradually the truth will prevail.







Books on the paranormal that impressed me most of all


Been reading a lot lately, so it’s just a choice from numerous books I’ve been studying. The last four books are the ones I had read in earlier years. Now I seem to understand the afterworld and paranormal events much better. I’d advise anything on numerology too.

1) Your Eternal Self – Hogan, R. Craig

2) The Conscious Universe: The Scientific Truth of Psychic Phenomena – Dean Radin

3) Seth Speaks: The Eternal Validity of the Soul – Jane Roberts

4) The Scole Experiment: Scientific Evidence For Life After Death – Grant Solomon, Jane Solomon

5) Reincarnation: A New Horizon in Science, Religion, and Society – Sylvia L. Cranston, Carey Williams

6) A Lawyer Presents the Evidence for the Afterlife – Victor Zammit, Wendy Zammit

7) Voice Transmissions with the Deceased –  Friedrich J;rgenson

8) Øèçîôðåíèÿ – “èíôîðìàöèîííûé ïñèõîç” –  Ã. Ï. Êðîõàëåâ

9) Breakthroughs in Technical Spirit Communication – Maggy Harsch-Fischbach, Theo Locher

10) Programming the Universe: A Quantum Computer Scientist Takes on the Cosmos –  Seth Lloyd

11) The Holographic Universe – Michael Talbot

12) Journeys Out of the Body: The Classic Work on Out-Of-Body Experience – Robert A. Monroe

13) Clairvoyance – Charles W. Leadbeater

14) Magick in Theory and Practice – Aleister Crowley

15) Book of Numbers – Cheiro





The research of EVPs


Found some good articles about the study of EVPs:


https://atransc.org/radiosweep-study2/

So in the second article they write that “I calculated an index of personal agreement that tells us how good each rater was at hearing the most common interpretation. Individual raters agreed with the group consensus between 17% and 35% of the time, with an average of 22%. That is, the “best” rater agreed with the group consensus interpretations on 35% of the EVP, and the “worst” rater agreed on 17% of the EVP. When analyzed at the level of the word rather than the entire EVP, the percent of raters who agreed with the group consensus varied from 31% to 51%, with an average of 38% of the words. So, if we play the average EVP to a large group of people, the average person will agree with the consensus interpretation of the entire EVP 22% of the time but agree with 38% of the words.”


Still it all is dubious in statistics, and my theory is about some spiritual channels – extra spiritual files that get switched to our brains when we listen to EVPs. Ghosts agreed that it is an interesting topic too. I think there’re different levels of access to the info (levels of consciousness) in the Matrix. Though the places in which some strange noises appear are clearly seen in programs, the interpretation of such “noise” varies greatly, in spite of the fact that everyone thinks “I hear it so well and distinct!” It’s like “48 people heard exactly that word, but 79 people heard something else”.

So in a way visual images received from the afterworld are a better proof than audiofiles, it helps to draw attention to the whole problem of ITC, that skeptics deny.





How we can communicate with spirits


Some people asked me how it is going on, so I’ll write some most typical ways (maybe I forgot something)

1) Signs – it’s like conscious Universe signs, like some casual blog post or a bird near you on the street. Sometimes such signs mean simply the collective entity’s thought, sometimes they’re arranged by particular spirits.
2) Telepathy – mind-reading. Spirits easily read all our thoughts, so you have to be sincere with them – not possible to hide anything. You may feel their presence as some form of energy near you – the feeling that someone is near and is thinking. Thoughts packages are being exchanged; mostly they’re not in conscious words, but the overall impressions. Also I used to hear “voices” – the thoughts of spirits.
3) Direct contact – some people feel that ghosts touch them invisibly. I used to have ghostly sex.
4) EVPs and other ITC methods, like getting images and videos – the most “earthly” way.
5) Tulpas – tulpa is an imaginary friend that only you can see and hear. But it is possible to have some sorts of visual hallucinations, combined with “voices”, that are caused by spirits transmitting info into our brain. I’m striving for this method of contact lately (but higher doses of meds they stuffed me in the hospital, prevent me from it).
6) Other methods of channeling, like automatic writing and direct channeling, when people evoke the voices of the dead, hearable not only to them. Also by ectoplasm through mediums, when they evoke ghosts in visual shapes.
7) Ghosts – the way when ghosts are able to come themselves. There’re documented cases of suchlike incidents. But it seems like not a too easy way, or the Earth would be full of ghosts everywhere. Resurrection of people long dead might be not technically possible too.
8) In dreams – in dreams we have access to all info that we forget here on Earth. We travel to different dimensions, meet dead relatives and friends, try other past and future variants of our lives. Once I felt I had lived five years in one dream!
9) Out-of-body experience. Read about it for more info. Mostly I mean conscious efforts to communicate in such a state. Such states can also be caused by meditation, EMDR, near-death experience, anesthesia and other factors.





EVPs and telepathy


I’ve checked some more, and it became evident to me that telepathy is engaged in the process of EVP communication.

First, I’ve tried myself to decipher others’ recordings, not looking at their decipherings. And I guessed the words correctly in about 35% cases! So it means that “something exists”.

Another thing is that when I used WebSDR method, I recorded several radio noises samples, then I took my coffee and started to listen to them. I asked questions and paused a sample, then the answer appeared. At first I thought that the file is REALLY physically being changed while recording. But later I applied the same technique with EVPMaker, I opened files in WavePad and the oscillogram was before my eyes and it surely didn’t change, while the answers appeared hearable in my head! It means that EVP method is based on telepathy – some spiritual files connected to a “physical” audio file.

Telepathy means different levels of access. And here I recall one research where the participants were divided into two groups. One group was told that there’s nothing in noise. Another group was told there’s “something” in audiofiles. So the second group heard the voices of their dead relatives, the first group heard nothing. Scientists think it proves that EVPs are “just noise”. But further researches state that about 20-50% of information from EVPs can be deciphered not only by those who heard it first. In my opinion, it works this way: one person contacts the afterworld telepathically. He/she records EVPs and spirits answer them. The telepathic channel is created that is connected to a physical audio file. Later other people start to listen to it. If they see the decipherings written on paper, your brain naturally starts to hear the same words – it is explainable by biology. But what if they DON’T know what it is in the audio files, still they manage to decipher it in many cases (always a certain % due to different researches)? It means they perceive the telepathic channel that was created by the first person (who recorded the files). So if the level of access is not too high, they can hear the exact words. But as in that experiment, if people are listening to an “empty” recording, they record their own EVPs that can be different. And if they’re NOT consciously trying to connect to spirits, they won’t hear anything!

About “noises” – I have a notion that spirits indeed can influence programs where noises are created as in random number generator, so they can make different quality and quantity of noise. But the information in “noise” is telepathical and constantly changing. Maybe that “noise” serves as some platform for communication.

That is my explanation how EVPs work.






Is ITC a projection of our thoughts? (a bit puzzle-headed)


Gennady Krokhalev wrote: actually when we take photos of darkness, it was in other scientists' experiments - it is just our thoughts photographed (as researchers imagined some objects and they appeared on photographs later). So hard to discern when do we take pics of OUR thoughts and when it's signals from the other side. Water splashes are dubious till they send codes. So can EVPs and waterpics actually be our consciousness projection? – there’s such a theory. I think it's not only about the codes (but they actually send me codes both by EVP and by water). For instance, if schizophrenics are put into some wave-protected room, voices disappear. So voices are not projection of our thoughts but spiritual reality. E.g., if you create a mutual telepathic channel while using ITC methods, images and EVPs may both reflect your personality and be messages from the afterworld as well. But you can choose to project your own thoughts into water or to receive images from spirits (with your personality influence anyway). It is the same as saying schizophrenics talk to themselves, while in reality they talk to other realities. It is not logical – to talk to oneself while not knowing it. We can talk to ourselves in our mind or by EVPs, when we call directly to our own subconsciousness - naming our name! Yea, waterpics can be thoughtforms projected into water, but they’re not separate from reality – they’re influenced by some outer source. And actually those scientists really managed the process while they took photos of darkness: they ordered some definite pics and such pics appeared! If they ordered spirits to send them something, it could be different. We can organize our thoughts well and everything is logically explained! If we consciously get in touch with other dimensions, there will be some ITC contact. If we consciously want to project our thoughts into water or into EVPs – it will be so. So if you consciously want to talk to oneself by EVPs, you just say it and create a telepathic channel with oneself and talk! But if you are going to contact spirits and have such an aim, spirits will contact you! It is logical.















 
9) Philosophical issues


Looking for love


Socializing with people doesn't come easy. Always sought something valuable, found only vanity and pretence. Or might be, alcohol-inspired conversations. I thought at first, for some time different social classes change in this way. But no. People are just the same everywhere, especially men. They don't need any friendship, if not without alcohol. The only ones who want friendships without alcohol are my fellow schizophrenics. Men either want you for sex and don't want any complications&responsibility, or they want lots of kids. Maybe it's normal and people should really be divided into only two types? But I think something is wrong with them. Why not think about like-mindedness and good time together? But they choose to become obsessed either with sex or having children. Only c*nt is valuable for them.
But what if I'll never be able to have kids or just have no mental strength to bring them up? Wonder if I'd marry one fine day the same way as men seek, "just for kids" and start loving my kids and ignoring my husband. It might have happened, if I was not so disgusted to do so. I'd really better raise a kid myself, than living with a husband I don't love. But experience and even some great Russian books tell us that's how people arrange their lives. It's planned to be so. No love. Either casual sex or kids.
Don't want to live in such strange world. So I isolate myself. Don't want to become more brainwashed than before. I haven't been watching TV for 12 yrs already. I read only best books and talk as little as possible. I'm absorbed in my struggle with illness more than ever and only have time and strength for rare friends. Might be not the worst way to live one's life. At least I don't betray myself anymore, trying to be like others.




Years online


I was so cheerful some twelve years ago, hoping to find my soulmate on dating sites. But there’s all kinds of abuse there. From people just expressing their hate here and there, to those blaming women that they’re all whores, that women want their citizensip or registration in a big city, or jewelries. Most men want you to bed “right now” or want to live with you without marriage. Some blame you that you “expect too much”. Some say you’re worthless. Some say no one will come to meet you in your town if you don’t guarantee them sex on the same day. Some want to tell nothing about themselves and know everything about you. They check you as if they’re going to hire you to a best work in your life. As if to have sex with them is the best you could do. Though does Internet differ much from real life? Not much. Just the same shitty people doing shit. Years online… and never met anyone who could love me for what I am.




“Perfect world” and me

Never really thought about it, but someone’s words made me think how much people like those who seem to have no problems and can be an ideal example of perfection. I never even thought “perfect” people exist. It’s unreal not to have any problems or faulty thoughts or bad circumstances. Perfect people might have lived in a perfect world, but the world is not perfect at all. My interlocutor was pretty sure such people exist and the aim of life must be to get as much closer to perfection as you can. At first I thought might be I don’t get the point. My friends are far from being perfect, and I love them for who they are. They’re intelligent and gifted, and what more can anyone ask of friends? Then I understood I just changed my paradigme long ago. When I was healthy, I used to strive for sympathy of “clever” people and I used to get some success I could boast of to “sell” my friendship better. I used to like when people liked me for my success and praised me, so I liked them in return, thinking it’s the only right way to live. I tried to appear perfect, as I knew the more perfect I seem, the more people I attract. I didn’t have real friends. Never even needed them, I was too reserved. I just wanted people to be attracted for my perfect qualities. If people called me intelligent or beautiful, I thought it to be an achievement and tried more, though inwardly I knew those people wouldn’t like me if I was silly or ugly. So I tried more and more.
Now I’m sick and I hardly kept one friend from those years. Who knows, might be, I felt I still wasn’t good enough and had to try much more than others, till I was relatively healthy. But in the end I failed and people stopped to like me. Then I realized how unfair it is. I felt hurt people don’t understand that I’m trying my best. Every time I was awkward at conversation or forgetting things, I felt guilty that I’m not healthy and can’t be “perfect enough”. And people left me easily, as they saw I can’t be “good enough”. I can’t even be a “schizophrenic genius” that they imagine all  mentally ill people can be. Now I just don’t want to prove I’m “worthy” anymore. I’m tired and bored with people. I still don’t like stupid people, but if they’re mentally ill, I tolerate it. I left in my heart a room for several friends that can be kind and sympathetic, but that’s all. My friends don’t look perfect to me too. I realize they’re just people with their own flaws. I don’t try to attract people by intelligence or beauty anymore. This period of my life is over. I know how easily people will walk away. I know it doesn’t mean anything. I see how cruel life is and how they don’t forgive any flaws, even though most people have some. They won’t like you for the goodness of character, they need an ideal image of you. The fake world of strangers trying to look perfect to each other became alien to me. “Perfection” ceased to be an aim of life for me, now I seek creativity and self-acceptance. In this imperfect world self-love matters most.


This illusive life

The more I live and learn, the more I notice how unfair and hypocritical this world is. It’s double-layered and has double values. Philosophies try to create an illusion of choice. But ordinary people have little choice in life. Everyone is bound by health, genes, environment, wealth. By wealth most of all. I never had a choice if I wanted to wear beautiful dresses, study music, to buy a computer, to visit other cities or enter a better University. And my feeble health never let me work at three jobs a day, trying to get out of a circle of poverty. Then my mental health was never ideal. I used to struggle against myself more than against life’s adversities, and it took most of my strength. Sometimes I just had to accept I didn’t get any positive result in my struggle with life and I can change nothing in it. Useless to require too much of oneself, if the only thing you can change is your attitude. The trouble is that some people who really could change something in the world are making fun of those who can change nothing. They don’t understand that others are not sillier than them. They honestly think those who are just trying to survive and fight their little fights in life – are not worthy. They don’t think about the actual cleverness and goodness of a man, but just about one’s opportunity to crush others or to change the world. You can be a stupid *hore, or just stupid, or just a *hore, but it doesn’t matter as long as you have money. For those who have no money, they invent morals and standards of intelligence to humiliate them. I recall times when people tried to find faults in my spelling, taking accidental mistakes with seriousness – they wanted to show me I’m worse than them. Sometimes educated people tried to find faults in my speech – and if they found something, they were very glad. Though everyone knows language is just means of communication developed with evolution, and one or two mistakes mean nothing in the overall evolutionary process. “Chosen” people may invent their own language styles or make mistakes just for fun. Because language means nothing. It might be used as means of humiliation, but that’s all. Some people thought my awkwardness in speech, forgetfulness and emotionality mean stupidity, while it were only the signs of illness. Just who are they to determine how we should feel about our existence? They’re only people just like us. I believe this life will change, when everyone will have equal opportunities in life, when our genes won’t ruin our life anymore and could be altered. And when all people will treat each other as humans should.


Backfired


Stumbled across such term as “backfire effect”. It clearly explained to me why people react the opposite way in comparison with how they should when they suddenly see evidence, for instance that life on Earth wasn’t created in seven days, or that mentally ill people are not all degraded freaks running with knives and killing neighbours. That’s why people never change opinions, and the stronger the facts are, the harder they hold on to their old beliefs. If we always have in mind backfire effect, how can we possibly convince people in evolution theory or in goodness of people with schizophrenia? Backfire effect just proves my suspicions that people don’t change opinions, no matter what facts they see, and even get more hateful if they see something good in you. And I experimented a bit on several people. I took six of my friends and six people whom I knew not too well, but who were expected to be suspicious of me. I intentionally put some words about how dangerous I might be, and my friends never believed it, as they knew me well and proved me I’m just sick and need some help, can have aggressive thoughts due to illness, but they can’t say normals don’t have such thoughts too. While those who were not friends, even after me pursuing about my intelligence and reasonable mind, after hours of exchanging thoughts and seemingly happy conversations, continued to believe I’m dangerous and going to kill them. It occurred to me, that when you’re with friends, you can say anything, make dark jokes and smile, be angry, be sad, be happy, and it won’t shatter their good opinion of you. And with other people it is different. You have to watch out for “mistakes”, and even if you don’t do them, you’ll be considered “bad”. Then I recalled I’ve been doing the same thing – trying to convince people I’m good – for years. At first, maybe four or five years ago, I was stubborn and hopeful and wanted to change the world. But now I got completely calm. If stigma is explained by psychology, it means more struggle and I have to gather more strength for it.



Power is evil


Have to say something on how I hate any power above me and how I dislike the division of people by psi-energy or wealth, not by moral qualities.
It is really some human psychology: we think that most famous and most educated people are the best in everything. While they can be cruel. The same with “gods”: we think that a soul with most psi-energy should be ideally kind. Nope!
I’m not much afraid of zealots. They’d simply think me insane. They’d rather believe that I imagine words on EVPs than understand that all souls are simply souls, not “a paragon of virtue”. Some simple little soul can be more valuable in kindness. Power corrupts. People think that they need a strong leader to rely on, someone to imitate. Cults of personalities are popular everywhere, in every sphere. But religious cults are worse, as they suppose “absolute goodness” attached to some person who might be wallowing in cruelty.
It is always sorrowful to look at believers who think they’re slaves to god and are bad and “sinful”. They suppose us mad, as we don’t simply believe, but read modern researches on the paranormal and experiment with the ethereal ourselves. But it seems more sorrowful to look at those who don’t bother to study more data, as nowadays belief shouldn’t be just childish belief – we have books and researches on the afterlife, reincarnations and after-death experience.
People should be free, and an imaginary evil “god” who might punish us, shouldn’t stop us from living our lives. Especially that in reality the main god is Universe itself – the space of overall consciousness, so there’s no one to blame or fear. Souls with most psi-energy can do you harm, but not much likely, as you might never meet them in real life. They don’t spy on everyone. And Universal order how everything is arranged doesn’t fully depend on souls with most psi-energy. So what you call “god” or “gods” are simply souls the same as you. They may tell evil things or they may be kind. But in this life they won’t bother you, if you don’t catch their attention. They’re humans like you and are not eager to spy on everyone. They have their own life.
What is more, we should be free just because it’s good. Not because no one will touch us, but because it is worthy and proud. No matter if you believe in god or not, it is valuable to live one’s life as if no one is above you. No spiritual authorities. You might not have the most psi-energy but you have your life with its joys and good people around. Power is not everything in the world. It only leads to more responsibility and degradation. If god existed, he would be the most unhappy creature: lonely and evil, manipulative and cunning, corrupted and desperate to be loved by everyone. Every sort of power destroys something good in us.




Do we deserve it?


There’s some contradiction between social injustice and spiritual consequences (“karma”). Karma is just unique experience we gain. It is tailored to our past deeds. We won’t escape the consequences of our own actions in this or past lives, though it is not a punishment but a spiritual lesson. It is changeable later in life while realizing the laws of cause and effect. Life is a game. Something like “Second life”. Differences are in the levels of hardship, in the number of difficulties needed for passing the game successfully. Some parameters we choose before birth, some are inflicted upon us by the current world situation.

But we need to struggle for social justice. Some would wonder why so many people live in a miserable state. But this Matrix doesn’t seem to work ideally. Most people start from basic level. Some present events and conditions are connected to past lives, some are such because it is so arranged – not only because of karma, but for the bad management of this Matrix. Some politics is necessary anyway, as politics is only a matter of management. Different systems of management, varying in degree and quality. We can’t escape the fact that some people have more psi-, material or mental power than others. So we can’t just sit and wait till our consciousness miraculously changes our life conditions, but do something about it – to change reality by conscious effort. Even if some events are imposed on us by “karma”, they say that time doesn’t exist in a broader sense. So who we are depends on who we are in the present time. Karma effects are changeable and able to be worked out.

So I think we can change a lot in this world, not waiting for “our spiritual debts to be redeemed”. We don’t deserve the worst. We can strive for the better, no matter how we got into such a state. Life is not a passive flow of events. Human consciousness actively changes it every minute by thoughts, words and actions.



The types of brainwashing


Religious: makes us live our lives submitting to authorities (as if they’re appointed by god) or to live our lives not considering politics and management (because “holy subjects are so much holier”). We’re being taught to get used to the idea that someone rules us from above. Earthly powers use it in their favour. Then, the typical absence of interest for politics and social systems that religious people have – it all benefits the present governments.

Atheistic: teaches us that we have to live our lives “here and now”. (Sometimes they care for future generations, but it’s not a consequence of atheism). While we live this short meaningless life, it’s a way to raise a perfect type of consumer – to live without considering past or future, as mostly atheistic view brings depression and a wish to forget about the emptiness of life. So we have entertainment industry and it all distracts people from real social problems and from politics.

Those who rule here don’t need thinking individuals. They need some degree of intellect enough to make you function in life and benefit their aims. People with similar agendas are supported, because they play a role to maintain the order of things. Occult and paranormal researches and studying of psi are far less supported, as it makes people too independent and free-thinking. Atheistic and religious movements are made to make you less conscious about life.

I’m not telling this, as if I wish to gain some power (I don’t, I supposedly have psi-power, that’s enough). Simply the truth – if ordinary people don’t take their destinies into their own hands, they will be ruled by someone who wants to rule here.



This character is what I am now


I have to write something about gradually developing characters... I think it has something to do with my lives (my lives?). If to analyze all of them (but I don't remember all), it becomes clear that I'm mending my mistakes and evolving. It actually explains discrepancies - that characters are being evolved through centuries for different reasons.

For instance, we see an image of some evil god in the Bible, then comes Jesus with something evolved, like the ideas of forgiveness (but he believed in eternal punishment for sins!), then someone else more peaceful, then me. Whether they’re connected or not, it seems like parts of a big puzzle, as people reflect the spirit of centuries. If we take most prominent characters, we will see how global consciousness evolved! As a person is a sum of influence. Individuals reflect society’s development. So in a way it seems like a cunning theory (and I warned you from the start, that it is just a theory – not 100% sure of it), as these notions about past lives actually explain the evolution of the overall subconsciousness – keeping in mind that it could be artificially uploaded memories or purely symbolical meaning (though not much likely).

So it’s me trying to reconstruct some evolution of the global entity of thoughts by such examples. I had some inclination exactly to those three characters since childhood. But actually I am what I am in this life – this incarnation. Even though we know that body is just a vehicle, body is a tool for improving a soul. We come here without much memories and we learn something new. I can’t say that I have much in common with a tree or a tiger – though in my past lives I most likely had been them too! I can telepathically talk to trees or cats, but we’re not the same anymore – I evolved. So I refuse to see myself as a sum of past lives (there might have been thousands of lives I know nothing about!) or a tree or an animal. I’m something more than them. Learning about past lives might be useful for exploring one’s own character. But it can’t be the main thing in this life – not because those lives were completely bad – but because we can do better here and now! Constant conscious evolution is everywhere. I like this one character and body I’m living in now – but in future I might be born here again and I will like my next character more, as it will be evolved, considering my past mistakes.



Why do some “spiritual” people blame others “if you’re sick, it means you’re bad (deserved it) and never tried enough to cure!”

I actually find it disgusting! Some prejudice! It is actually the same as a kind of competition "who will recover quicker" or "who will be the best example of a recovering patient". The same shit. I wrote about similar issues already.
To sum it up, karma is changeable but some parts of an individual karmic plan may be rather steady. One can’t guarantee that one will cure all one’s diseases in this life. It depends on lots of internal and external factors. So if you’re sick, it doesn’t necessarily mean “you deserved it” in this life – it might be from distant past lives, that have almost nothing to do with your present personality! Another thing is “not trying enough” – lots of things influence health parameters, and I can’t even list it here, as it is “everything”. If you can’t cure, it might mean some bad luck and not enough coping skills due to some of your this life features! I actually think that these two notions: “you deserved it” and “you didn’t try enough to cure” contradict each other! If you “deserved it”, how can you even try to cure? If you “didn’t try enough”, it means nothing influences you and you never “deserved” anything! So it is just stupid to say such things!



Why would souls want to have more and more psi-energy?


It is interesting to think of the souls' evolution and how it all started.... even starting with not with the beginning, but some evolved souls in early humans. Why is it exactly so? What can be the reasons of everything? Why most evolved souls have exactly such characters?

I suppose competition, the core of evolution, evokes such characters. During many lifetimes souls encounter different nasty situations, where people bully them and “prove their strength”. So inevitably they want to take revenge on the world. I really had not too much shit in life – rather light kinds of shit, at least, still I already had such thoughts as “to send death curses to all humanity”. It was my aim in life – to prove that I’m above them all, as they all treat me wrong. Considering lots of previous past lives, it’s clear that such situations arise much more often. They leave mental scars and character deformation. Really, why would a normal person want to rule all Universe? We can just live our lives – someone will inevitably be better than us in some fields – we all have different skills. But psi-energy is such a Universal quality… it influences everything and is unconsciously stored in us. It is easier to develop it than anything else.

I’m rather sure that bullying caused it. I never talked to people at school – they bullied or shunned me. At Uni almost the same. Then they bullied me at a chess club, then at some chess gaming site, then at a rock forum… also lots of people I met online and irl who were absolutely outrageous. And in the end all online friends betrayed me and stopped talking because of my new lifeview. Plus numerous nasty paranormal events. I feel some bitterness. Nothing to lose here. It might be as well happening in any of the previous lives and would cause the same character, maybe even worse. Then karmic debts and such situations repeating over and over during many lifetimes… to bully or to be bullied. It provokes to store more and more psi-energy to survive.

If to start with the beginning, the wish for power just can’t come from nowhere. If no one used their psi- or physical or mental energy to do harm, people wouldn’t want to “take revenge on humanity”. One doesn’t need most psi-energy just for the sake of “having more psi-energy”. It’s some compensatory issues. Not even for survival, but for “being the strongest of them all and able to avenge oneself against all the world”. That’s my point of view. (a bit justifying such “godly issues”)



About numerous “incarnations” of famous people



First of all, it’s a soul’s ability to be in several places at the same time – to spread its unconscious influence boundlessly. But artificially uploaded past memories do occur. Edgar Cayce, for instance, could read others' past lives just looking at a person. And if people see some photo and connect to its egregor and upload past lives memories, it can be at any age – but it must mean some special connection.

People who can upload random memories are extremely rare, but people claiming to be celebrities in past lives, are met rather often. So it’s not about “special abilities”, but “a call of egregors” – the ability of a more developed soul to evoke a telepathic thread between itself and someone else’s soul. So such people are mostly “messengers of ideas”.

So I suppose that childhish memories are most valuable - more trustworthy than later regressions in adults. As mostly it’s not influenced by mass media and books, or at least, has more sincere intentions of “special interest” to one’s past lives. So surely we can’t consider all clones of one person to be “incarnations”, even though they’re influenced by the same egregor and have similar memories. We can always find the main representative among such people, and it must be those with childhood past memories and signs gathered around them. I can’t say that past life regressions in adulthood are not to be trusted at all, it can be used later in life for checking some info. But yes, it can be misleading, because through Akashic records it is possible to plug in to any information, and it won’t necessarily be “your past lives”.






10) Conclusion


So those were my ruminations. And I feel like, maybe in future I’ll be able to control my mind better, and more profound things will come out from me. For me these posts are valuable, as some of them were a result of much inner work and reading; some posts were the result of channeling from egregors; some matter to me emotionally. So maybe I would re-read this with pleasure as years pass, just to check my progress in soul’s development. I hope it was useful to you somehow too.