Pencil

Pencil.

  Bellingham international airport was located very close to a city. Took me no time to pick up  luggage, rented car already was expecting me and fifteen  minutes later I was stretching on my bed in La Quinta Inn, new hotel on Beakerview road.
   I was here for a business meeting, but not till Monday. Tomorrow is Sunday and I was planning to see the city, where my father was born and raised.
 I knew very little about him.
   He left my mother when I was only three years old, and she did not like to talk about it. But never said a bad word either. Once, still being a kid, I was playing with her jewelry box. I never was able to open it, as lock had some secret, but it made me even more persistent! After few tries I accidently pushed a button and all the treasures fell on the floor. Some bracelets, earrings and necklaces.. Pretty, but not that interesting. I was not a girl after all, to get excited about rhinestones. But there was a half of pencil, sharpened very neatly. Just plain pencil, but that was the very first thing my mother, almost rudely, grabbed from my hand, when she walked into the room and saw me sitting on the floor, digging in her stuff:
- Never do it again, son. – She said quietly. – It’s not nice.
- Can I play with that pencil? – I asked.
- No.
And then she explained:
- That’s your father’s pencil. All I have left from him. He liked them very neatly sharpened. He was a neat man.  – She looked somewhere above my head, and I sensed sadness in her voice.
Needless to say, that all my pencils were very pointy and beautifully sharpened all the times, for which, not once, I was complimented by my teachers.
  I inherited father’s pencil after my mother passed away, and it became my lucky charm - I always had it in my pocket.I inherited father’s pencil after my mother passed away, and it became my lucky charm - I always had it in my pocket. I also inherited a note, which my father wrote with this pencil to my mother:” Forgive me for leaving. I simply could not bear the thought to be a burden to you, while our son needs all your attention.  I want you to remember me strong, not weak. I will love you even from there.”
- Silly man, he did not realize, that I would give up years of my life, just to hold his hand at his final moment. No one should carry a load of bad luck by itself. 
That’s what my mother told me, laying at her hospital bed.


  I wanted to know more about this Northwestern city, but did not have enough time to explore it thoroughly. Would be nice to have a guide of some sort, who can point me out to local amusement sites. However, I am not much into crowded places, and would rather spend time at some quiet remote locations, like a wild beach or woods. That’s another thing I knew about my father: he was an avid hiker and loved mountains.
  Before I left, one of my colleges, that I was friendly with, suggested a site, that I have never tried before: “ RentAfriend”.  Without any obligations or attachment you can rent a friend for a day or two, in any city you want. Any kind of friend and for any kind of occasion: go to the movie, or concert. Or dinner and party, even wedding, if you will not want to show up alone. I had no specific expectations, and no occasion. But would be nice to have a person next to you, who can suggest something about this area, which they, of course, know better than me.
  I googled the site and scrolled down the first page. So many young happy faces. Sweet, but looked more like a party animals too me:
“Hi, I am Riley, I am spontaneous and bubbly! I am a lot of fun, love music and will be your best friend.. For the day, or two, or three…”
“I am Olivia. I am probably the easiest going person you have ever meet. I am into anything you like to do! Call me...”
“We are Renee and Lilly, and we actually come two for the price of one! Super extraverted, nerdy and loving creatures! We love to chill out or do any kind of fun thing with you..”
 I thought, would be nice to meet someone actually, a bit older than me, so it would not look like as if I am looking for some other sort of activity’s, then just hanging out. Someone, who will not hit on me and I will not be interested on hitting on them.  I wouldn’t want to complicate my life in any way.
All the people from this site came with a price tag. They are not free. Most of them were students, who, obviously, were trying to make some money and have fun along the way. Nothing wrong with that, in my opinion. But I was not in that kind of frisky mood, and never become party animal myself. I did not have advantages, as many students in my school had, no ritzy parents, no financial support. All I had is my brain, good brain, decent brain, as I thought, and I did not want it to get wasted by poisoning with alcohol.
  I was about to give up looking for a “friend”, when my eyes met with the eyes of the women on the photo. Brunet. Wouldn’t bee my preference. I like blondes. Sort of ascetic looking, high cheek bones, thin lips. Not a hint of the smile on her face what so ever. And she was looking directly into my eyes, seriously and somewhat sadly. No, she is not what I need. I need someone lighter spirited, may be a little more smiley, prettier.
 I was about to scroll down the page, but decided to give her one more shot, and reed her intro:
“I am Emmanuelle. I like to be silent. If you pick me, don’t be late: I value my time and will respect yours.”
 That’s it. Email, but no phone number.
I sent her email.  She intrigued me, I must admit. But silent sounded good. I am not much of a talker myself.
She replied half an hour later. We agreed to meet next day near my hotel at 9am She charged $10 per hour, which sounded reasonable. She told me about local Mountain, that my mother mentioned at our very last conversation, before she died. She told me, that my father liked Checkanut Mountain, and spent many days hiking there. Apparently, Emmanuelle knew this mountain very well. There was no indication of how old is she in her intro, and I had no idea what to expect.

  It was early spring, middle of March, but day promised to be warm and sunny. I was downstairs, waiting for her ten minutes before nine and she pulled over at exactly 5 till nine. Small silver Honda Fit.
 She was almost as tall, as me, and I am 6’0. Slim, hair down to shoulder. I have noticed, how shiny they are in the gleam of sun. Dressed in khaki pants and till colored “ Northface” Jacket, small backpack with REI label on it.  Her hand shake was strong, almost man-like.
 She invited me to ride in her car, and I agreed.
She did not lied, she was silent. Yesterday evening she asked me, which trail I would like to hike, and my answer was: “surprise me”.
Pretty soon we pulled in to a parking lot. Few cars were already there. Of course, it’s Sunday. I read on the sign: Fragrance lake trail. 2.2 miles, elevation 1099 feet. I took my water bottle with me, she got her backpack and we started our hike.
 Earlier I have noticed, that she had a slight limp, but it did not stop her from being much lighter on her feet then me, I was out of practice and out of shape. It was obvious, that she is very experienced in this kind of activity.
  I should have be thinking about the scenery, beautiful woods that, at one point, was so important to my father, instead I could not stop thinking about this women, Emmanuelle. I followed her with my eyes, while climbing uphill, I was impressed how fast she is, how light her steps and how shiny her hair. At one point she looked down at me from the above and I could read a silent question in her eyes. Quickly I looked to another direction. I was even angry at myself: who is falling for who? Isn’t this is something I was trying to avoid: some unknown women’ interest and attachment? But I couldn’t help it, she attracted me, like a magnet. And I was thinking to myself:” It’s nothing wrong, to fantasize about someone. Nothing dirty or indecent. Besides, she would never know. She can’t read my thoughts after all”.
 I was wondering, how she look without closes on. I did not even bother with a question, how old she is. She was one of those women, who staying in shape and don’t change much with the years. Her skin was smooth, little wrinkle on the upper lip did not spoil whole picture. It even added some charm. She also had a scar, which was splitting one of her brows in half. I was wondering about it as well.
 I started to feel a bit dizzy. I have this rare condition, when my blood pressure can drop abruptly during climb up, and I have to stop immediately and sit down, or better yet – to lay down and rest. But, I did not wanted Emmanuelle to notice my weakness, and was keep going, despite of all warning signs. I was a male after all, and wanted to look cool. And I paid for that: at once I stop seeing things: everything simply went dark, I stumble against the root and crushed against the grown. Next and last thing I remembered was me rolling somewhere down of the trail, and trying to grab some roots and branches and plants on the way, and then darkness prevailed.
 When, finally, sunlight woke me up, I was laying on my back near big mossy stump and Emmanuelle was above me, doing mouth- to- mouth, which I found very pleasant, and hesitated to open my eyes for a bit longer. But she have noticed, that I regain conscience and slapped me on both cheeks, one, and then another. I saw mix of happiness and anger in her greenish eyes:
- Why didn’t you tell me about your heart condition? Stupid me, I should of ask you myself, if you have any limitations!
- I don’t, it just..
I stopped at half fraise. I stopped, because I saw something that was so scary and disgusting, that I couldn’t hide my emotions immediately. She followed my eyes, and quickly pulled her pants down. But it was too late. I saw it already. She had no flesh on one of her legs. It was stripped to the bone. I couldn’t see the bone, skin grew over it, but barely, and leg was so terribly disfigured and deformed, that picture of it was staying in my eyes even when I closed them.
 Then I saw her face. It was red. It was disfigured as well, from the pain. Emotional pain. Must be not the first time she was reading in people eyes same as she just saw in mine: scare, pity, disgust. I wanted to ask her, what happened to her, but wouldn’t dare. Not after what she saw in my eyes. I couldn’t bring myself to make a sound. And I also knew, that she would not answer on my question. And she is right, it was none any of my business, what happened to her. When, finally, I looked up at her face, it already was quiet, like summer lake and I saw reflection of myself in her eyes. Nothing else. Only reflection. No any kind of feelings or emotions.
 Luckily for me, no bones were broken in my body and we were able to continue our hike, as I have insisted. I hoped, that it will give me a time to smooth things out, to find right words of compassion.
 I really liked this women. I liked everything about her, and the fact that something happened with her in the past, did not changed much. Of course, I was not able to think about being intimate with her, not after what I saw. But I still did like her. As a human, more than a women at this point. To my own disgrace. I understood, how stupid it was, but couldn’t help it. Somehow, human deformity’s and injury’s brings out not only good fluffy feeling of compassion, but also some dark and ugly once. Instinctively, we are straying away from people, who unlike us, incomplete. We ashamed to feel what we feel, but we feel it anyway.

 We did made to the Fragrance Lake. It was very quiet there. We saw man with a dog, trying to catch fish and chatted with him few minutes. We saw young girls, who wore swimsuits, which was pretty crazy for this time of the year. But girls were laughing and splashing water on each other. They were young and perfect. They were healthy. And again I have noticed, how Emmanuelle’s face turned red. We realized, that we both thinking about same thing: her body. I could tell, that she has a great figure, even though closes on her, but knew that she will never ever undress in the public places.
 She did not asked me anything, it’s me, trying to smooth out not very nice impression, that, as I thought, I have made on her, I was talking. Little about myself. More about my father, who used to live in this area. Father, that I have never met, as he, apparently died soon after leaving my mother. Father that I was trying to resemble so much, following the bits and pieces of his character, that mother told me about.
  On the parking lot near hotel she looked in my eyes, warmly already, and shacked my hand:
- Thank you for walking with me. It was good walk. I know, you wanted to ask question, but did not allowed it to yourself, and thank you for that. I will tell you myself: I was a mountain climber. Done it for many years and was lucky for the most part. No incidents. But once. I was on same rope with another clamber, when he started to slide down and panicked. Then he did something stupid and unhooked himself and felt down to a crack in-between cliffs. My rope was too short to get to him, I had to cut it. Falling down, my leg got sliced by the sharp rock to the bone, but I had no time to think about it, I had to attend to my friend, who was injured worth then me. I just tied that piece of flesh to the leg with duct tape and continued. And we both survived, as you can see. But flesh… it had to go.
She smiled and looked to my face with relief. I saw her eyes so close to mine. They were green and had freckles in her cornea. They were beautiful. And I pulled her close to me and gave her a big hug. Bear hug.
 Then she left.

Only later, after I already had shower and took a quick nap, I realized, that never asked her home phone number (she did not owned a cell phone). I wanted to invite her for dinner. I did not forget to pay her, but wanted to do something nice, besides the money. And, even I did not admit to myself, I wanted to see her again! I wanted to! I had this thug in my stomach, when I was thinking of her, something in me was screaming:” idiot! What have you done?” I have never feel same way about anyone before. And not because that mouth-to-mouth first aid she did, which by itself felt so good. And not even that hug, when I could feel all her strong body so close to mine through her jacket and my own closes. Oh, I don’t know, what it was, I could not think rationally, I just wanted, needed her to come back, wanted to feel her hands, touch her lips with mine, hold her. I was burning up! Then I remembered: “the site! “RentAfriend!”
 I quickly started to scroll down, trying to find her name, I remember, she was on page 5… But her name was not there anymore. It was gone. Disappeared. Deleted.
I did have her email, on my computer, but… buy deleting herself she was letting me know, that she doesn’t wanted to be bothered. To be contacted. It was very clear.
The end. I will never find her again.
Never.

I thought it was extension of the dream: wind, tree branch tapping on the window. And tapping, and tapping. I opened eyes, trying to understand where am I? Then I realized, that I am still in the hotel room and it’s already dark outside. And that somebody knocking on the door. I got up and opened.
 Emmanuelle was standing in front of me in her till colored jacket:
- I forgot to give it back to you. It fall out of your pocket, when you was rolling down the hill. You mentioned it in your story.
She had my father’s pencil in her hand.
- Somehow, I felt, it may be important to you and wanted to give it back.
- Would you like to come in? – I asked quietly, without any hope. And my lips got so very dry.
-
After a little moment of hesitation, she walked inside.