THE ELECTRICITY INSPECTOR
"Look, Cardan, I'm confused as to why people blindly believe you. You certainly have a way with them. Even though you deceive them endlessly and, in a literal sense of the word, spin a yarn, they continue to fall for your tricks," Gray wondered with an expression of perplexity on his his face. "If you were elected to the government, you would squander the whole country." What a good thing it is, that you live in a godforsaken village and don't have an opportunity to develop your adventurous talent. With such dexterity you can wrap people around your little finger, that Ostap Bender himself would envy your skills. You surely would make a difference, at least for yourself, if you were given a chance. This world is not fair. One man has a fortune, another one ekes out his existence. And the odds are growing by day. One shouldn't miss out on it, if he wants to pinch off from the pie."
"We all have what we deserve in this world. I have got my fair share among little people. Shenanigans are my second nature - almost like breathing. It's as simple as that."
"Agree to disagree. As far as my nature goes, I wouldn't miss my chance for the world," Gray added complacently.
"Believe me, Gray, there are con men who are much more agile than me. In my life I have learned a lot of tricks from them, especially from politicians!"
"I'd have thought that this is your inborn talent. It comes so naturally to you." Gray still refused to believe that it was a matter of experience.
"It's vitally essential to spin and always be on the move and other things will be added unto you," Cardan gave his words a prophetic tone. "For example, you are sitting around, complaining and doing nothing to get your spirits up by having a drink, but the car, by the way, is being moved only when the driveshaft (cardan in Ukrainian) is spinning. Unlike you I have picked up some useful tricks while I have been making the ends meet."
"Well, it's easy for you to say so because you seem have more experience than the rest of us put together." Gray expressed genuine admiration.
Cardan pondered the situation for a moment and then said, "I guess you have no way of knowing what it take to become a good swindler. This time you will take the lead in our next scam. We'll go to check the serviceability of electricity meters."
"OK! You are the one who calls the shots here", Gray said submissively.
There are only few old women in the village, who know you by sight; you are not native by birth here. As for me, even local dogs can recognize me easily".
44
They went to Gray`s house to get changed. They needed to create a uniform that would make him look like an inspector, checking the electricity meters. Cardan put a mink hat on Gray`s head, bending his ears like wings for conspiracy. A raincoat added him a touch of a professional appearance. He stepped back, looked at Gray with an appraising glance and concluded, "There's something missing." Cardan opened a table drawer, carefully studied its contents, trying to find something else for the full impressiveness of the businesslike appearance. His vision got blurred: so many things were there: threads, needles, buttons, scissors, spoons, forks, knives, can openers, screwdrivers, pliers - a whole set of necessary small items for the household. Finally, he exclaimed, "Yes, this is exactly what we need! This is the icing on the cake!" and he pulled out old glasses in a rough brown plastic frame from the drawer. Gently and carefully cleaning them from the age-old dust, he put them on Gray`s eyes, adding some weight to his ears, which were already encumbered by a huge hat, giving them even more of the conspiratorial appearance. "Listen, Gray, If I didn't know what you are, I would get scared of you myself," Cardan supported him with a compliment. "In this apparel you definitely won't be sticking out like a sore thumb."
"Cardan, tell me why are you always using proverbs?"
"Proverbs contain common knowledge. People hardly ever go against common sense, so they rarely argue with me either."
"Fair enough."
From an old clerical journal they cut out pieces of paper that they intended to use as fine tickets. When an inspector comes in, people do not even look at what they are given because of fright; since Soviet times they have become accustomed to preventive punishment.
It was the last month of autumn. The nights were long and the days were short. It darkened early. The power always cut out between six and eleven in the evening. They had an hour before the blackout. The lighted windows of the neighboring houses became visible in the distance. A bright light, shining from a window of the house of a lonely old woman beckoned to them. They approached the fence silently; the gate was locked.
45
They climbed over the wooden fence and approached the house. Cardan patted Gray on a shoulder.
"Go ahead and make it count! I will be hanging around here and will play along in case anything happens that is out of line. You should act coolly and professionally. Watch every word you say. Remember you never know with women."
"I'm hoping that will be easy," Grey said excitedly.
"You don't know what you're getting yourself into. It's not a walk in the
park, but I'm sure you'll pull it off."
They finally got around to doing what they had come there for. Cardan knocked on the window with an appalling drumbeat. "Excuse me, could you open the door, please," shouted Gray and nearly frightened himself with his stentorian voice. "We check electricity meters," he repeated authoritatively and again knocked on the glass, this time more fiercely. Cardan moved to the side to hide in the darkness. Gray stepped onto an already illuminated porch and unceremoniously broke into the opening door, pushing the old woman aside.
"Why didn't you open the door immediately? Are you stealing electricity? I wonder what you have to hide from an electricity inspector?"
The frightened old woman did not know what to respond. She was totally lost for words. She could explain it away as a precaution. Everyone kept their doors latched those days. Instead she began to stammer, "First, I heard you knocking just out of the blue, then ran stumbling to the door, unfastened the latch as fast as I could. Maybe hesitated a little. Sorry."
But the "inspector" did not want to listen to her explanation.
"Where is the electricity meter?" He asked threateningly.
The old woman led him into the house and pointed at a black box. "Over there," she said in a tremulous voice.
Gray pretended to inspect it, spelled out a few numbers and sat down, taking hold of his head.
"Oh, my goodness, it smells of a prison sentence," he whispered it with his eyes bulged, startled by the seriousness of the violation. "I can't put my finger on it, but there's something suspicious about the meter. It looks like it's been tampered with. Perhaps you'll have heard already that a few people were fined for stealing electricity in the neighboring village yesterday."
There was a moment's silence as the gravity of the situation settled in.
"Oh, my goodness, I have nothing to do with it. I haven`t touched it in my lifetime. It must have broken down," the old woman`s pleas for mercy came pouring like a summer shower. She almost fainted; her legs buckled underneath her, but she quickly landed on a stool. Suddenly she realized that succinctness was what was going to stop her getting into more trouble, so she went for brevity even though her tone was mutinous.
"Okay. For the first time, I`ll write out a ticket of 5 hryvnias fine (it was the price of a bottle of vodka in those days)," he wrote down a declared figure with pen on a sheet of the clerical paper and added, "and 5 hryvnias for repairing the meter. It's spinning too fast. Could I have a screwdriver or a knife, please?"
The old woman handed him a knife. She seemed close to tears, the dreadful inconveniences pushing her near the edge. She glanced at Gray now and again, her face suppliant, thinking there might be something more sinister behind the apparently simple request.
46
Gray began demonstratively to pick in the measuring instrument with the appearance of an expert. He put the tip of the knife into one slot, then into another one, pushed on it, pulled at something, knocked on the left side, then on the right one, slapped the top with his hand a couple of times, then put the knife back into the slot and applied some pressure again. He turned his face around, distorted from the laborious effort, to the old woman and looked at the dial again. For a moment she was scared that he had become unpredictable again. "It's meticulous work - some might say dangerous. Everything is alright now. It`s spinning like a new one. You have to pay me 10 hryvnias."
The old woman was ready to part even with a larger amount of money, but the guys knew when to stop. Cardan often repeated to Gray, "Don't bite more than you can chew. It's better to get a little - but every day, than a lot - but only once." Grabbing the money, Gray headed for the door.
"No hard feelings, lady. I'm just doing my job. Take care of the meter so that it doesn't spin too fast anymore," he admonished her, raising a warning finger as he was leaving the house. She would have asked whether he would report the incident to the police, but she couldn't bring herself up to put the question. Instead she smiled apologetically, hiding behind the smile the extent of her fear. Her mind running a mental mantra - this will soon be over. Gray walked outside. Excuses and words of gratitude were heard from the old woman behind his back.
The gate was sunk on its hinges and touched the ground. The old woman unlatched it and pushed it open with her shoulder. She thanked him wholeheartedly, probably with the intention of keeping out of harm's way, said goodby and scurried back into the house. Cardan awaited his disciple impatiently. "Wow, man! Perfect timing! That was awesome! That was absolutely amazing! You really ruffled some feathers. Haven`t I told you that it’s important to spin and always be on the move and other things will be added unto you," he repeated his unshakable motto again and shook Gray's hand vigorously. "You swept me off my feet. Now you`re a full-fledged swindler," he praised his smart apprentice for his dexterity.
47
A few days later the old woman encountered Gray in the village. There was something familiar about him. All at once she recognized him as her recent night visitor as he turned his face to her. She was told that he was not an electricity inspector, but an ordinary villager. She was going to pounce on him and give him a good scolding. To avoid trouble Grey turned to flee and disappeared around the corner of the street, and never again got in her sight. After multiple futile efforts to see him and sort it out, she eventually gave up. Put her hands to her head and sighed, "Oh, swindler! You will be punished some day. What goes around, comes around."