Name It Right
Yep, the name of the country is Belarus. Some weirdoes split it into ‘bel’ (white) and ‘rus’ (Russia) to get White Russia. That’s a bad idea to translate proper names though. If you suppose America means that I Am Erica, you are strongly mistaken. I am positively not her. Neither should you call the place Byelorussia. You’d better throw away your 50-year old dictionary or gift it to a historical museum. The only remnant of Byelorussia is ‘.by’ in its domain name, car license plate number and the vocabulary of our Russian neighbors who must have some phonetic difficulty in pronouncing ‘Belarus’.
Belarus inspired poets to call it ‘blue-eyed’ because of a great number of lakes. Lakes may really look like eyes, especially if you’re an astronaut in reduced state of awareness. Many eyes can become a country. As for people, I’d prefer my girl-friend to have just two eyes. Perhaps I am a fuddy-duddy.
Another romantic name is a ‘crystal vessel’. That would have been a decent alternative name for “Titanic” but Belarus still keeps afloat.
Belarusians
Most Belarusians are busy surviving, so they don’t give a damn for epithets. Their faces are always gloomy as if they were in habitual mourning. If you have luck to see a smiling Belarusian, catch your camera fast. Move it! You got a chance to take the rarest picture in the world. Yet don’t hurry up to upload the picture to your Instagram account as its server may get down for good through the influx of visitors.
Don’t bother to ask Belarusians what’s up. They will never answer since they don’t speak English, whatsoever. A British partner of mine phoned the Belarusian migration office. He was flabbergasted. It turned out that no migration officers spoke English. Jeez, how can it be? It can. Just Google their phone and try yourself to make sure. You will hear polite mooing, but it won’t be a cow on the line, you bet.
I will tell you more: Belarusians do not speak Belarusian. You guess they use the body language to communicate? You’re a flop, man. In fact, they speak Russian. I don’t have a clue why they don’t use their mother tongue. Maybe it’s because their mothers didn’t use it either.
So why are Belarusians that fatally sorrowful? What jerk hurt them? They say, in order not to be envied, one must meet the rule of 3 ‘i’s: to be ill, indigent and ignorant. Belarusians are definitely not ill. They must have a lot of health to be the world number one in taking alcohol per capita, according to the World Health Organization. It was back last year. Now this privilege belongs to Lithuanians. Neither are Belarusians ignorant, judging by lots of jobless lawyers and economists. Employers prefer their yardmen and janitors to be PhD. It gives them a status.
What Belarusians are basically concerned about is being indigent. The Belarusian Statistic Committee assures people they earn blessed 500 bucks on average. It sounds encouraging, doesn’t it? Then people open up their wallets and reveal just 200 bucks there. You will remember that saying about lies, damn lies and statistics. Well man, now imagine you appearing before your honey with a 200-buck salary. I can scarcely figure out what disclaimers you’d have to submit, what alibis you’d have to bring in order to fend off an indictment of being a semi-man with no balls to play family. Only fancy, Belarusian men live with it! However they regard it philosophically. They say, “Thank God there is no war.” Their women also think it’s cool.
Meantime the government does its utmost to boost the national economy. From their humble viewpoint, the best way to achieve this goal is to invent new taxes. The recent one was a real economic breakthrough: the government introduced a ‘sponger’ tax. The poor jobless were ordered to pay a tax for being unemployed. No matter that the entire world backs up their unemployed with welfare. Our jobless, vice versa, sponsor the state. Sure thing, they have no money but they can steal something anytime or sell a kidney. Belarus is known to be a socially oriented state.
Lenin Assorted
There is good news: Lenin lived, Lenin lives, and Lenin will live. Who is Mr. Lenin? He is a chief, like those American Indian guys ruling in reservations. Belarus is also said to be a Soviet style reservation. Lenin arranged a putsch in 1917. The local authorities believe putsches rank into good and bad.
All modern revolutions refer to bad putsches, so the yellow-blue country is demonized and its land areas are annexed by kind and fair neighbors. Bad revolutions are the authorities’ nightmare which makes them invest a fortune in myrmidons of the law. The Belarusian middle class is not nearly as large as the myrmidons.
Lenin mounted a good coup d’etat. He shot up Tsar Nicholas II, who had abdicated the throne, along with all his numerous family. It allowed positioning granddad Lenin as the most humane creature ever.
Now he lives quietly in the Mausoleum and doesn’t hinder the local authorities from governing. This merit is awarded by a huge number of monuments to the chief. The statues grace each Belarusian city’s central square. Lenin tends to reach up to catch detrimental doves which take his cap for public facilities. Foreign tourists exploit their cameras aggressively.
I wonder why Chileans haven’t erected monuments to Augusto Pinochet. Maybe they have another idea of keeping historical memory. Maybe they are short of bronze.
Clap Your Hands!
Come on, clap your hands! Clap-clap! Clap your hands in the street if you miss an ominous Belarusian jail. Many tried, and everyone was a success. Alternatively, you may pay a fine. Unless you have spent a couple of weeks in a Belarusian jail, you will hardly understand that paying a fine can be that fine.
You could ask me, “Why on earth would I clap my hands in the street?” That’s easy to explain. Buddy, if you are deprived of the slightest chance to express your timid disagreement with Big Brother legally, you have nothing else to do but clapping your hands sarcastically. You know for sure the Civil Code does not prohibit you from applauding.
You are mistaken. The local police know for sure the Civil Code does not allow you to applaud. It is just not stipulated there – along with eating lavatory paper or bestowing a smile upon he-goats. The local judges know this loophole too. Once they convicted a one-handed guy for clapping hands. They were certain deep inside he meant it.
One more dreadful offence here is to cry “Long live Belarus!” in Belarusian. Wishing prosperity to your country this way reveals you’re belonging to the opposition. Beware, man, you can end up in a cell. Police don’t mind to your crying “I love Belarus!” though. It sounds politically correct. They can even allow you to clap your hands. “Long live Belarus!” is regarded as a threat to the Belarusian statehood.
A usual court verdict is “using a foul language”. Dumb… sorry, conversationally challenged guys fall into this category as well. I heard SWAT troopers, who tend to swear like a trooper themselves, swore an accusation against a speech-impaired for “using a foul language”. The judge pretended to believe them. Nothing personal, just business. The speech-impaired couldn’t say a word to prove that he hadn’t wished Belarus to live long.
When in Belarus, mind all sorts of ‘actions’ for they are so polysemantic and range from sales promotion campaigns to malicious applause. They say a housewife spent half a day in a shopping mall fascinated by gimmicks like ‘buy 2 bras and get a third one for free!’ Nobody clued her up that the cunning opposition used malls to overcome a ban on getting together in groups of more than 3 people. While leaving the mall, she was asked by a policeman, “Are you taking part in the action?” She answered she didn’t miss a single action. Madam was sentenced to just a 3-day imprisonment for the honesty. I guess she could change a bra in a cell every day.
Belarusian Attractions
They are not so easy to find. Herr Hitler took care of it by blowing Belarusian cities to smithereens. Sure thing, there are some reconstructed castles, but leave the hope to discover something like Sagrada Familia or Cologne Cathedral here. As soon as somebody builds one, I will let you know immediately.
The main Belarusian attraction is clean streets. Nobody knows why they are so germfree clean. Soviet-name secret service, which is still cherished here, keeps it confidential. X-files, you know. If you are interested in watching clean streets with no butts, bullies or The New York Times on the pavement, welcome to Belarus. Don’t forget, there is no war here either. You will carry these bright impressions throughout the entire life.
This year the Belarusian government has encouraged entry tourism by calling off visas for the foreigners who intend to kvell over clean peaceful streets for up to 5 days. As well you should arrive and depart by plane only. Trains, buses and dog teams are outlawed. Dura lex, sed lex. Besides, you should be a reliable country’s citizen. There are 80 countries whose citizens are welcome gratis. For instance, Germans will do, yet Pakistanis won’t. So before packing your suitcases remember to find out whether your country is reputable enough in the eyes of the Belarusian officials.
Belarusian Cuisine
Belarusians are nicknamed ‘bulbashi’ for their culinary habits. You shouldn’t think they nibble light fixtures. ‘Bulba’ is related to ‘bulb’ but means ‘potatoes’. If you have a bulbous nose, it is shaped like a potato. Belarusians would like the shape as they are keen on potatoes. Just don’t approach them if they hold a fork. Your nose is too precious to jeopardize it.
The local USP is potato pancakes also known as ‘draniki’. Belarusians and Swedes argue to be the first who invented grating potatoes and frying pancakes, yet neither can show a patent. Anyway, if in Belarus, don’t overlook to taste ‘draniki’ with sour cream or mushrooms. It is yummy really.
That’s enough for now. Welcome to Belarus to scrutinize the place and get what my compatriots mean when they say, “It is Belarus, baby!”