The day when dreams come true.
December 18
Dear Arthur!
Happy New Year! I want to wish to you personally and to all of your family a lot of success, happiness and good health which is the most important!
When the person is in bad health, everything seems to be in gray colors, and life is full of suffering and sorrow. I thank God that you and your family are all doing good. My family is doing wonderfully also. However, my situation is becoming critical. I don’t like to talk about it as you know, but I am afraid I don’t have much time left. I did tell you briefly about my heart condition, but now I am getting weaker and weaker with each day. I wrote to you before, and you know that for the last three years I’ve been waiting for the heart donor. My only hope is to get someone’s heart. If such thing is possible, it would be a miracle. Not sure though if I will be able to wait for long. I am thankful for all your support at such a difficult for me time, but you have to be prepared for the worst. As I said earlier, my wife Lora and daughter Jessica are doing excellent. Jessica is at the University, she is a nice student, and she is involved with a nice young man. She said she is planning to go skiing during the winter break. Lora and I are very happy for our daughter. To my regret, I am unable to visit you now. I know you will understand.
Please write and call more often, it feels wonderful to be in touch.
Your brother Richard.
January 12.
Arthur!
It is very hard for me to write these words. My eyes are full of tears; I want to say that my soul is burning, that is how I feel inside. My hands and legs are trembling as if I am in a fever. We received a call yesterday early morning. Lora answered and in few seconds started sobbing; then she got hysterical. I had to call for the ambulance. We received a devastating, unbelievable news; there is nothing more terrible can happen to a parent. The world we created for ourselves and lived in simply broke apart. Our daughter who had been bringing so much joy and happiness into our lives, little Jessica had died in a tragic accident. She was going home after the party, in the company of her friends when they hit the tree. The road was icy, and the driver lost control. Out of five passengers, four died including Jessica. Two boys and two girls. One of the girls is in bad condition but is alive. We are sure it is the driver’s fault, as he was drunk. These days young people don’t feel any danger, they put themselves and others in risky situations. What is the reason to talk about it now?
Jessica can’t be returned. Life has no meaning for me now; even imminent death does not scare me anymore. However, I do feel sorry for Lora she may be left completely alone. You may be surprised how my heart could handle such a trauma? I am amazed myself, and sorry that I didn’t die before. Parents should not live longer than their children.
Funeral will be held in three days.
With grief, Richard.
July 26
Dear Arthur!
I am sorry I didn’t write for a long time. However, you probably could guess why. I wasn’t present at Jessica’s funeral, and not because I couldn’t cope or had no self-control of grief or because I was paralyzed, lost my mind when all the terrible events were taking place. I received a donor’s heart at last! I had to go through a very complicated surgery and a lengthy rehabilitation. I can explain now in detail everything that Lora probably couldn’t communicate before and will change any rumors that may be going around among our relatives and friends. I was suddenly taken to the hospital for my surgery two days before the ceremony. I don’t know why Lora didn’t want to explain the situation to me at that time, but I didn’t know anything. I presume she didn’t feel comfortable telling me that the doctors offered to me the heart of the person we both knew very well. He was the same boy who Jessica was dating, and who was responsible for all the deaths in that accident. My wife had no choice or time to think; such a complicated surgery had to be performed without any delay.
Now I am home already and slowly trying to get used to a new heart. It is young, healthy and doesn’t give me many troubles; I am getting accustomed to it. Such is life; anything can happen. Some loose, others find. I was given my life back, God decided so. I can only imagine that the idea behind such an outcome is that Lora wouldn’t be left all alone. We are supporting each other now and trying to have as normal life as possible under the circumstances. The whole world has lost its meaning for us of course. Without our beloved daughter, everything seems to be in dark colors. Lora looks at Jessica’s photos every day, and each time she cries. Nothing can heal such an awful bleeding wound, even time. Emotional pain may lessen a bit after a while, but I don’t think it can disappear completely. Thanks for your sympathy and kindness.
With gratitude, Richard.
September 17
Dear Arthur!
I noticed some unusual things in Lora’s behavior. It can be understandable if you’d look at it from one side. With Jessica’s death, our lives changed completely. My wife treats me in a very different way. She is careful, kind to me, doesn’t want to say any wrong words which could change my emotional state. She became much more tactful and reserved. She doesn’t argue, squabble agrees with me on every subject. Sounds fantastic, right? What more can I wish for?
However, I see in her eyes real confusion, emotional suffering, even fear which I never noticed before. As if I am not her husband of twenty years, but a stranger whom she fears. Did my surgery, the fact that I am living with a different heart affected her state of mind or her emotions? I am still the same person! It is only a small foreign body part that is living inside of me. I don’t feel, sense it, but it is reminding me of itself with every precious beat.
The doctors say that the heart is simply a motor that supports blood circulation. Human beings gave it a romantic meaning. Other organs are just as important including brain which is the most complicated. All the organs as liver, kidneys, lungs are there for a particular purpose, but none of them plays as important emotional role as the heart.
I decided to pay a visit to the parents of the young man who was my donor, to thank them for their consent of giving me their son's heart. However, Lora reacted in such a strange way. She became outraged and didn’t even want to hear about it. No arguments could change her mind. We can’t come to any agreement still. It is very hard for me to live with her right now. I don’t know how long it is going to be like this, and will she ever change her attitude towards me.
Anxious, Richard
October 21
Hello, Arthur!
I called parents of my donor, and we met. It took them a while to understand why I am thanking them so much. They are living with the pain of loss as it is and have a guilty conscience because their son was driving drunk. People died and were hurt in the accident. And then I could expect anything but not the answer that I heard! No one asked their permission! I was shocked and called my surgeon. How could he do that?
The surgeon did not want to talk to me. He just said that first of all he has a patient at the moment and can’t talk. Secondary he is only responsible for the surgery itself and not for other aspects including morality. No one wanted to talk to me when I contacted the hospital. Then I went home and asked Lora to explain and tell me what she knows. How this could happen. As soon as I asked, she ran to another room and locked herself in. In a moment she came back and started a scandal, we never argued as poorly. She burst like a volcano, letting out all the lava of angry words she kept inside. She asked not to torment her soul and begged not to disturb the parents of the killed boy and doctors. I tried to calm her down, at the same time, I felt that she is hiding information and there is deceit which I have no idea about. I knew it was done to save my life. I came to a decision that she persuaded surgeon and other doctors to do the transplantation of the heart without parents consent, ignoring other patients who were waiting for a donor and needed the heart as much as I did. There is a long line to get organs; sometimes it can take years. I think it is the reason why my wife was not herself, why she was suffering. Now I lost my peace. Maybe she was right when decided to hide all the information from me. It could affect my recovery; the stress could get in the way.
In frustration your Richard.
December 4
Arthur!
I finally found out the truth!
The parents of that boy, my donor called. They went to the hospital, as they told me where my surgery took place and found out some information. The heart of their son was never given to anybody as a donor organ! They couldn’t tell me anything else; the hospital keeps it confidential. This news totally confused me. Who’s heart is beating in my chest? I decided to call all parents of the kids who died that night. They all said the same thing. Their children’s organs were never donated, and they don’t know anything about the situation. Then Lora came from work. I decided to find out the truth from her no matter what it would cost me. Arthur! For a long time, she refused to say anything. Then my wife said that the heart used to belong to an entirely different person. Why did she have to lie like this? At first, she tried to say some nonsense, but I didn’t believe one word. She was lost in her lies. Then after a while, she stopped pretending.
‘You want to know the truth? You want to know who’s heart it is?’
‘Yes’, -I said.
‘Are you sure?’-she asked.
I started to have uneasy feelings when Lora said it, such a sad voice she had. You know I am a strong man, but at that moment I had tears in my eyes. My wife showed me photo of Jessica! We both started crying. Then she explained what happened. Doctors told her that it is not possible to find a better donor than my daughter. Hearts of others who are killed are always risky to transplant. There might be many complications. In such cases, organs may be rejected. Taking all the necessary medications may affect work and even damage the rest of the organs. So, Lora decided to agree to this transplant. From her words, she had no other choice. Jessica is lost forever, but I can still have a life with her heart, possibly a long life. So, Lora decided to hide the truth from me. I was told that it was Jessica’s boyfriend’s heart. I guess it was done so I would have easier time, normal life. A loving heart of Jessica’s man in her father’s body...
Arthur, these are the hardest days of my life. To know that my daughter’s heart continues to beat in my chest!
With tears in my eyes, Richard.
January 12
My brother!
Today is a one year anniversary of Jessica’s death. In my last letter, I wrote that I was having a very hard time. However indeed today I experienced the worst shock! I was looking through my daughter’s things and found her journal with a card she had for my birthday inside. She wrote it in advance and planned to give it to me as a gift.
I am sending to you the content of the card:
“Dear Daddy, Happy Birthday! I wish that the most cherished by my respect came true. I want that blessed day to come when you will finally get your new heart. I believe that this happy day will come soon. You should believe that too! Big hug and kisses!
Your loving daughter Jessica.”
I am unable to say anything, Richard.