In the photo - Tatiana Ivanovna Kazakova, mother of the author! USSR, Kirov region, Slobodskoy.
THE FIRST LOVE
I often saw a little girl and a little boy whith lived together on the third floor. They are Zulfiya and Ravil, sister and brother. Their apartment had a balcony, but it ours didn't.
Sometimes I went to Zulfiya to watch from the balcony our yard. Zulfiya also came to visit me. When Dad bought the piano I showed for Zulfiya how to play the piano.
I did not call Ravil for me. I didn't want to invite him to our house, because he had no interesting me.
The winter has come. I was invited to visit an another small girl from the first floor to celebrate New Year with she. Her dad was a military officer. Every morning he went out to the porch and cleaned to a shine army boots.
When door in baby's room was opened I saw a fir-tree. Fir lights were glowing. I saw it for the first. For the first time in my life I saw that...
It was fabulous. Shiny toys were beautiful!
At my home our toys on the fir tree were made of paper. But her tree had still candys and tangerines. Tangerines were addition to toys. They were wrapped in the mirror paper and were suspended on the branches.
The little girl gave me a tangerine. Delicious!
What was her name? - I do not remember ... I remember she was very beautiful!
What was color of her hair and eyes? Also I can not remember. Were curls on her head. She smiled to me. Her hand affectionately took my hand and we started to go turn out around tree. She told me something. What did she speak me I do not remember also ... The dress she was too beautiful. And I was fine! This I remember very well. Then I realized - this is happiness!!! Happiness is when a nice girl takes a hand on the arm, smiling, and when it is - beautiful ...
Yes, that's how it was. It's amazing.
But then the litlle girl had gone away. I have not seen her again. Her daddy, as a military officer, was sent to live in another place, he took with him and the girl, and the mother of this girl and her grandfather. Even a kitten it taken away. A memory of happiness with the first girl remained. So I thought about it. A few weeks later, I stopped interested in Zulfia and I stopped coming to her balcony. After that playing the piano was like torture for me.
When I drew notes and treble clef is very difficult to me. But created it with dad was interesting. I was nice, when I was painting five lines on a paper with my father, it was really very interesting.
But it was not interesting with teacher. So I was hiding under the table, and she could not find me. When she was finding me I was seating down on the circular spiral stool, was putting fingers awkwardly and pressed the buttons. Boredom!
If I studied with this baby from the first floor - it would being good. That's it all I could remember about my first girl...
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So it happened - Zulfiya was hurt ... and he did not understand it ... in the story - he offended she. Nobody it noticed, it is not condem it ...
That's right - or not?
Yuri Kazakov 14/06/2012
the Fourteenth of June, 2012
Original - http://www.proza.ru/2010/02/25/751
Were curls on her head. Здесь нужно подлежащее в начале предложения. В англ языке подлежащее обязательно на первом месте, то есть перед сказуемым
hand affectionately took my hand and we started to go turn out around tree. Здесь два глагола подряд. Go и turn. Так нельзя. И два предлога out и аround. Так тоже нельзя. Лучше сказать Танцевали вокруг ёлки. Или ходили вокруг ёлки.
What did she speak me I do not remember also ...
Tell me. Also лишнее здесь. Подлежащее на первое место обязательно. I didnt remember what she... also здесь не подходит . Нужно другое слово, но можно и без него. Too тоже не пойдёт
The dress she was too beautiful. And I was fine! Платье, которое она носила, было прекрасно. Нужно слово Носила или имела. Fine не подходит. Нужно другое слово. Какое не знаю. Я не знаю , что вы имели в виду. Fine к мужчинам не относится. Кукла, девочка может быть fine.
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Руслан, http://proza.ru/avtor/ruslan24 - вы Супер... Я подумаю, как использовать все ваши замечания и заново отредактировать рассказ!
Юрий Казаков 17.06.2021 19:11