The muffled throbbing of train wheels echoed in her fearful gaze. Leeda had long been in a kind of state which finds you thousands of kilometers away from home, robbed of – so little felt when there – the crutch of the all-around familiarity and the habitual stressing of words.
Driven to seek recruitment in Siberia five years following the war, hardship framed her every thought, her spirits sinking, her confidence growing thin.
Travelling with her was Vera, her junior, a victim of the restless times past, still retaining the naivet; of the childhood yet unwholly spent. Images of trees rushed past linger in the weary thoughts blurring into the edgeless present.
Inside the train`s no-comfort wooden car, meant for carrying both people and cattle alike, the plank floor is half empty. She feels insecurity creep in, worm-like, under her skin.
At her feet there lie a few scanty possessions. On her body there is a much-worn dress, on her head a kerchief. The youthful beauty draws glances.
Several hours into the trip. Then finally a stop. In the now open rollaway side door a massive figure of a man is produced, just looks of it betraying contempt for criminal law, to say nothing of the accepted code of conduct. Slow in catching the ill-meaning look of the middle-aged male, Leeda however senses his approach, and the rising fear is soon confirmed. With no ways out, indecisively she keeps her head down, frozen in place, palms covering her eyes. Her younger companion, vaguely sensing harm, is shifting about the planking, pressing her shoulders hard against the wall. With each step of his ambling walk both girls` pulses quicken, behind the lidded darting eyes the youthful mind engages in self-deceit, clutching at non-existent straws, when finally, close against her, the man says: “You dolly!”. He smiles crimefully with his wide bad-toothed mouth and repeats: “Beautiful, how come all alone here?” Leeda wasn`t following his movements, the way he spoke: she kept her eyes hidden behind the palms tightly pressed against her face, similar to a child sheltering under a blanket from monsters of the night. “Dolly, I say, come along now, make you a queen”.
Crime was at its all-time high, spreading quickly in the ailing society still struggling to rebuild itself after the war. Leeda had solid reasons for fear.
Her position was grave, her body shivering. The man wouldn`t go away. Obscene horrors flickered before her eyes. Through the slits in her palms the eyes were seeking help. The silent witnesses of the unfolding scene, men and women, would not have part in this. Greedily feasting on what was happening, their backs erect, the passengers continued to be treacherously uninvolved. Horror gripped her tighter yet. Then the man made as if to go, and - a relief - go he did. With a deep and loud sigh, Leeda cast a look at her charge. Vera felt easier at once. Still in his going there was a suspicious hint of continuation. Ever conscious of it, Leeda could not – without lying to herself - embrace her relief.
In time the train started, and in the half-opened door there were those same pine-trees. “So they never went anywhere”, she thought abstractedly. The throbbing of wheels.
Their hearts sank again when at the next stop just before departure they saw a whole gang of five with the new acquaintance among them. They started her way.
“Run! But where? If only off the train and into the forest. This almost certainly is death. Still better this than be dishonored,” - the girl ran through her modest options. “If only I had the heart to do so!”
“Here, dolly, look at us all so many. You alone. Come, fear not, we`ll do good”. The dead uninvolved silence persisted. The indifferent wheels knocking. Help will not be coming – that is for sure. What will be coming then?
“Getting used by all at once before they shove me off the train. That`s what. No soul will ever find me, not even look for me and know how it ended for me”. Mother came to mind.
“You`ll be coming the hard way then”. Spellbound with fear the onlookers shamefully thirsted for the conclusion of the unfolding scene.
Luck smiled on Leeda. The train was noticeably slowing down towards the station. The gang, it seemed, had too little confidence to persist in the presence of the station-based enforcers of law. They got off. Presently a feeling of relief swept over the girl, the like of which she had not known in a long time. As much aware as she was that, come departure, the gang would still be there, she also felt the experience had steeled her.
The stop was to last several minutes, and she had only so much time to stock up on some bread and butter - the mainstay of those days` passenger diet. She had to crawl her way to the vendor`s stall under four trains which stood in between – something which required skill, more still considering the shorter timeframe. She tasked Vera with getting the bread, herself, she went for the butter. She came to a line of about ten people. Doing things right, she should be heading back now to the train to make it in time. The line is moving up slowly… and there comes a whistle and off the train starts. Vera comes by running with the bread and is then sent off to the train. Four more to go in the line! The train heard picking up speed.
“The documents are going away too! And money and stuff!” With no documents you are as good as done for. Nobody will ever bother finding out what you really are. The police will only have more fun at your expense, «So, papers left behind, are they? And the train`s gone? A likely story! Now get off!” Lucky if they stop there, might as easily be as bad as that gang.
Impatience burned hard. Finally her turn. A quick exchange of money for butter follows. Then as if her very life depended on how fast she`d go, she rushed after the train. On her haunches she cleared the four tracks only to see her train several hundred meters distant, accelerating. She mustered what strength she had and ran for it along the much-trodden paths. Her eyes fixed on the train she was gaining on, her mind was frantic with speculations on the possible outcomes: “what if… what if I can`t make it?” This would mean the end. Her heart was beating furiously, its pounding flooding her throat, making her choke on it. The distance, it felt, grew ever more impossible to cover with each second. But run she did. Seconds were eternally long, and her strength dwindled unrelentingly fast. Minutes afterwards, she caught up with the tail car and was about to throw herself into the open door when, stretched out to pull her in she saw hands belonging to none other than the gang of five. Their wore cunning smiles and kept saying, “You did come, love! Come, reach out your hand, gonna stay with us, you are”. In her mind Leeda had relived the tragedy of this close encounter many times now, and now bitterly desperate, she would rather throw herself under the wheels and be done with it. “Better die so, than let these animals have their disgusting way, and thus suffer a great deal more.” Despair. Presently, Leeda began losing speed and the train was once again faster.
Hers was the next car up. To live in the face of death is an unparalleled craving. She found the strength for the final charge, when she couldn`t have under less demanding circumstances. Her car companions were all holding out their hands and shouting at the top of their voices for her to keep up, to keep on running. She drew abreast of her car. Shifting her focus from running to the car, she took a fracture of a second to assess how best to get in. To the bottom of the car there was attached a cord twisted into a sort of footstep. “Now this will see me safe, or I`ll die here”. She flung inside the chunk of butter that she`d found herself still holding on to and the next thing she knew she had her palms stuck to the floor. Without anywhere to brace her feet against, she was struggling to get into the loop. When she finally succeeded she dove feet-first under the floor keeping inches away from the wheels. The rescuers closed around her, all grabbing onto whatever offered itself. Everyone tugged, and everyone shouted out advice and words of support.
Safe now. Inside. All past. She dropped face down on the plank floor. The wildly palpitating heart was ripping her chest apart, beating tight against her temples. Only then and there did she appreciate the whole gravity of what she had gone through, and loud grateful tears streamed out of her eyes, in which the silent indifference was still a memory.
The wheels went on measuring away their kilometers. The trees merged into a general wall of green. Leeda`s continuing sobbing had yet to go a while ahead. Her fellow passengers were savoring the last of the tragedy so narrowly escaped. The train was taking Leeda away to the unknown where to live or die is a matter of luck.