The book is pocket-sized and extremely lovely, with its leathery soft cover and nice subdued greenish-brown colours and gilt stamped letters… The best thing is – there’s a dragon on it, predictably resting atop of the pile of treasures, his otherworldly eyes gleaming with mysteries hidden inside the volume, so- so tempting. Part of the title is illegible, covered by Jim’s thumb, but the seeable rest says: “…nd beyond” and Lu can barely suppress the want to immediately immerse herself into it. To literally snuggle up with it, to inhale that addictive smell of a brand new paper, to trace the pattern of those pristine words with the tips of her fingers...
So, frankly speaking, the book is perfect. She hates it.
“Something to keep you busy with, while I’m away”, says Jim, a smile hiding in the corners of his ever chapped lips.
The smile never quite reaches his eyes.
‘You bloody bastard’ Lu wants to scream ‘As if you never said that a book can’t replace a human.’
As if it wasn’t him who proved it to her. As if he himself did not yank her out of the safe bastille of her dreambooks world.
‘And now you think you can fucking undo it just like that?’
She saves her breath and takes the book and returns the fake smile.
“Ta, I’ll take a glance somewhen”.
She knows it will become her Handbook.
He knows she is seething with fear and anger and denial and despair, all twisted and knotted and tangled in a huge bundle of ache.
They both know there is nothing really left to discuss.
Jim simply opens his arms in an invitation and she takes a step, burying herself in his familiar smell and warmth, and listens to his uneven heavy breath.
Anything is better than accepting the reality of the moment. For instance, the thought ‘could there be a better way to do this?’ is definitely restricted. So she just stands there - numbly, inadequately calm, not even a lump in her throat to bother her - and busies herself with random thoughts. One part is an accustomed worry about the thinness of his coat. The other is a not-so-groundless doubt that he took the prescribed pills.
Most of all she wonders why is it that she is still not crying.
He finally shifts and looks at her and flashes a genuine smile and kisses her forehead. 'This is it' she thinks 'This is it', and the thought gets stuck in an endless torturous loop.
“See ya, Lulu” he says lightly, as if he's gonna see her in a few days. As if he's gonna see her ever again. And then, just like that, he leaves.
She is incapable of looking at his departure. The dragon on the cover mocks her, squinting his glowing eyes and sneering his maw in an obvious readiness to start producing jibes and taunts about her cowardice. She scowls at him and quickly raises her gaze, searching the crowded street for a familiar figure.
Jim’s gone.
She blinks fiercely and returns her attention to the book and opens the first page.
“The more you live, the more there is to it” says the prologue and that’s when she loses it.