ïåðåâîä: http://www.proza.ru/2014/09/26/1228
Everybody during the birth gets a part of God’s love
Love for You
Who am I? I am the one God created for you!
You were in oblivion. The darkness surrounded you. Your soul was tossing about in darkness, and you were longing for light. And the Day came. You've seen the sky, you've seen the Earth, you've circled the world and haven't found refuge for your soul, you were alone. You lowered into the depths of the Earth and sped away into other galaxies. You were searching, you needed me - and I was born. My life opened in you heart, in you, but you were still unaware and felt lonely as before. You soul languished. So I let you go. You went wandering among people, but from that day on I was with you.
Episode
It's warm. The sun, unobstructed by the clouds, is warm in its leave-taking. The coastline. The remote seagull cries. The fondling whisper of the ocean. Then, suddenly, the roar of your motorbike, tearing eternity to pieces.
The wind you meet is stroking your face, stealing through your clothes and caressing your body. How I wish to be this wind, or this shirt on you – to be able to embrace you. But I am inside you. I feel you breath, your smell, the strength of your body. I feel your heart beat. You have long grey highway ahead. It’s slipping away from the wheels of your bike and stays far behind you. You go to meet your life, longing for it passionately as only you can.
Episode
The sun was rising outside, and its rays were moving around the hotel room where you were lying on the bed, sleeping. The rays crawled across the sheet, reached your hand and crept up your chest, then touched your chin and, arriving at your very face finally, fell on your eyes. They were still closed, but blinked – you were disturbed. Your whole body started out of the dream. Your arm moved towards the eyelashes that were being tickled by the light. You felt them with your long soft fingers and opened your eyes. The light poured in, filled you and you woke up completely. You sat in you bed, letting your feet down to the cold floor, and looked into the distance through the window. Your mind was still blank, in sleepy languor, but your eyes saw the thin dazzling strip of the horizon where the Earth met the sky. Your soul brightened up with some almost childish happiness. One more second, and you could be swept away from here, but your glance wandered. You looked at the curtains, at the walls, at the bed. There on the sheets you saw some torn woman lingerie. You mind stuck to that. There were some bright red bites on your chest and neck. They were still painful, as were the many scratches on your back, but you smiled:
- Naughty, aren’t we?
- You are, you… - I thought and wanted to leave you. You felt something to turn inside you, squeeze your heart, rise in your throat. You lit up a cigarette. The tender blue of your eyes turned into smoky grey. A shadow surged towards you. The ashes burnt you naked knee, you hissed and put out the cigarette. Giving a thorough stretch, you finally got up and came up to the mirror. You were still perturbed. Close look at your own reflection brought you peace: I was feasting my eyes upon you. That cold glass pane reflected the only reason of my life.
The soft features of your face had three stages of entering this world; each facet had its time and place. The folds between your brows and around your lips made your face, and they had no controversy, they didn’t cross each other and were harmonious. You nose consisted of many parts like a complicated mosaic and resembled a rostrum of a ship. Your lips with their pale pink, almost white hem were powerfully magnetic. The blue lights playing under your distinctive eyebrows were the echo of your eyes. Your long dark lashes made your glance eloquent – it was frankly passionate. Dark wavy hair fell onto your face. Everything was perfect in you, perfect end tough. Your neck, arms, shoulders, their angle. Your legs, their firm stride. The way your back was built up made me think of folded wins. Your breath was strong and easy. You were the bright star that attracted me immensely.
I wanted to hold you, I reached out for you, but all of a sudden she entered, and you lost my touch. Your reality swept me. You grasped her and you both fell on the bed. I wanted to scream, she dared not, you dared not - you were mine! But you didn’t hear me. The waters closed up above my head, I was sinking, going deep into such interior of your soul you never encountered yourself. There, at the very bottom, I saw something glaring, held out and picked it up. The water got into my throat and I choked. Strong careful arms snatched me from the depths and placed me on something firm and stable inside you. This stable ground was my birth. I looked up and in the celestial blue of your birth saw God. He emitted the light of love that filled my heart. I knew I was yours from the very beginning, and you were mine all the time – and nothing from outside could change this. I released the grasp of my hand. On my palm was a bright white nacreous pearl. It was shimmering with reflected lights, and was my most precious possession, for it was your heart.
Episode
You spent the whole day in bed, watching TV and drinking beer, and went to sleep in the early evening. The TV was still on, its colored gleam on the walls and you. She was in your arms, your cheek was bearing a crimson print of her lipstick, and you were dreaming of me. The dream was dim and nebulous, but you saw my tears, and they hurt your heart. She woke up and pressed up against you. You didn’t want her to interrupt the dream, and pushed her away impulsively. She got angry, stood up abruptly and started to dress. Then she left the room slamming the door behind her. You were still wandering between the dream and the reality. You had been watching her move through narrowed eyelids, then switched to the flickering TV. Still being under the spell of you dream, you were lost in a reverie. Your reverie turned into a fantasy, your fantasy turned into a dream, which was very pleasing. You stayed in bed for some time. A bit later you got up and went to take a shower. The water was cascading down your body, washing away the smears of the outward life. You almost saw the inner world.
Episode
You came down to the bar, hoping to find her there. Every time you quarreled, even if it was a slight disagreement, she got drunk to spite you. She liked strong drinks, and she loved you, because you soothed her like a little girl, nursed her, gave ear to her stammering lamentations. You could be generous and indulgent. She liked it awfully, and she disregarded your many faults. You knew you must be the reason for that, but you didn’t want to change the present state of things. The dark bar was thundering with music, the multicolored flashlights danced in the dense clouds of cigarette smoke, people crowded and shouted through the noise.
You spotted her only after some time. She was sitting on the lap of a guy who had been already rather drunk. His hand was right up her skirt and his lips were on her neck. She was cackling with laughter, and her dark curls shook. Those dark ringlets you had admired so much now infuriated you. You were looking at her hair shaking and felt bubbling inside. She upset your peace of mind. You were roused to fury, and I gasped. In a flick you were near them and pulled her so that she fell. My world staggered, for you hated everything feminine at that moment. Her cries and tears didn’t stop you, you went wild. The lad didn’t manage to have a proper hold of you and fell as you swiveled him around, so that your fist hit him right on his head. His friends sprang at you and now you were fighting with them all. God, didn’t you really get worked up! They dragged you out, pushed you into the car, and drove you off. The waitress was dialing the police with her trembling hand, she thought your girlfriend was to blame, and you were already far from this place. They stopped near the wood, dragged you out of the car, and beat you until you stopped to breathe.
You were lying on the cold ground. The night shadow hung over you. The wood looked creepy, but I was not afraid of that. You were lying immobile, and that was what scared me. You were neither moving nor moaning. Your temple was oozing a little stream of blood which ran across your cheek, and I was afraid. My tears washed your body with warmth, and the life woke up in it. You inhaled. I listened closely. You breath came more regularly. You regained consciousness in the morning, as if from a deep sleep. The wood, which had looked so hostile before, now was filled with sunlight, birds’ twittering, and the rustle of leaves in the friendly breeze. A creek was murmuring nearby. You crawled and clung up to it. You had been terribly thirsty, and now the water was life-giving. Your whole body was aching, but the internal organs were intact and you were strong enough. You rose, washed the blood from your face and hands, and tidied up your clothes. Then you looked around and made your way towards the road.
Episode
The noise of a car engine made you turn. A red open Mustang came to a halt near you; there was a young girl in it. She was beautiful. Her red dress opened long suntanned legs; her beautiful hands with a shining bracelet of the watch were on the wheel; her red hair was tousled by the wind. Her scarlet mouth (as well as everything else in her) was striking. But you couldn’t see her eyes as they were hidden behind the sun glasses. She opened the door of her car. You got inside and you drove off. You had always been liked by the opposite sex, and often made me jealous – but not now, when you needed help. So I didn’t object.
She took you to her luxurious cottage on the ocean coast. It was big and light. She welcomed you inside. You looked around and said:
- Nice place.
- Thank you, - she held out her hand, - My name’s Jessica.
- That’s the name of my rescuer, - you smiled.
She waited for you to introduce yourself, but instead you looked at a picture above the fireplace. There was a young girl in it, all in a white mist, holding her hands out to something ahead of her.
- I like this picture, - your new acquaintance said, following the direction of your glance.
You were staring in silence, and after a pause Jessica suggested that you should take a bath. She went to a bathroom and called out to you:
- Come here.
You followed her. She took a towel from the bathroom drawer.
- And this is for you to wear, - she added, pointing at the Turkish robe hanging near the drawer. Then she and left.
You turned on the tap; the water ran, muffling her voice. You slowly started to undress. You body was aching. You took off the shirt, the boots, your jeans and sank into the warm water. The water hurt at first, but soon the pain was soothed, and you relaxed so that you fell asleep. I didn’t disturb you and you didn’t dream of me.
She woke you up touching your shoulder.
- There is an extra bed in my house.
You smiled and stood up in the bath ignoring your own nakedness. You slipped on the robe and came out to the veranda. The view was magnificent. The ocean lay in front of you like a gigantic mirror. The air was sweet and fresh. You lay back in a chaise longue and went on enjoying this splendor. She was watching you. Your eyes started to close, and in a minute you were sleeping peacefully.
A chain of placid days followed. Your enjoyed your life near the ocean. The hostess was nice and kind to you and favored you heartily. She didn’t ask unwelcome questions and made no problems. She was just an angel on Earth. And that was what you thought her to be. You were so thankful, that you even helped her in her business: you worked at her office as a manager. But she wanted from you more than your gratitude, and you didn’t think she was your kind of woman at all. She was a good-looking babe, but there was something blank about her eyes, something missing. And it separated you. Jess’s life was made of things that were of no value to you, and it had no place for things you held dear. When Jessica was saying something, your eyes often rested on her without really seeing her, and you were lost in your own thoughts at the moment. She started to notice that vacant stare of yours, and her arrogant style somewhat slackened. And then your patroness made up her mind and undertook a reckless effort. You felt the mood she was in , gave up, and did everything she wanted. You were tender and thoughtful, but your eyes didn’t sparkle when you looked at her, not a word of love escaped you. Her charm ended once and for all. Jess kept hurt silence. You looked at her absently.
- Everything’s wrong, - you thought.
- She’s just not the one! - I echoed.
Still in her bed, you inexplicably thought about your own house, the one you had left so suddenly. You had inherited it. It used to be your uncle’s who was a restless man. He traveled much, and told so many wonderful things about his wanderings that you inevitably wanted to hear more, though it was all rather hard to believe. Like a cavern with no gravity. Was there such a cavern or was it just his fantasy? The uncle said he couldn’t indicate the exact place, because he didn’t remember how he had managed to get out of the jungle. Could you believe the one with such an imagination? He eventually made his fortune by writing, which he thought to be research (while other people thought it to be science fiction). In the end he got tired of trying to make them understand and made arrangements to leave everything to you. He himself then went to Africa and his trace was lost. There were rumors of his marriage to a young African girl. They also said that he led a Spartan life though he was sixty years old, but there was neither proof to it nor further information.
Now you thought about the room in the house you had found when you last stayed there, and you wanted to come back.
- There is nothing blank about that place, - you thought.
You remembered the furniture in that room. Nothing extraordinary. A bed, rather a couch than a proper bed, low and wide; soft carpet of subdued hues from wall to wall. There was no window in it. That’s why there was some special atmosphere in the room, as it had no interference from outside.
You remembered the day you happened to find the room.
Episode
It was your birthday. Your house was full of your guests. Your new flame organized the party and played the hostess. She liked to be the center of attention, she adored socializing and cool company. Now she was enjoying herself and you felt you didn’t belong there. You wanted to be alone.
You wandered through the house, through its corridors. There were people in every corner. They greeted you with what you thought to be meaningless commonplace phrases. You were not in the mood to take them seriously. Your inner voice called for you, but you didn’t know where to go. There were voices in the rooms and you headed for the bedroom. You pushed the door and saw an unfamiliar excited couple in your bed. They got up, said sorry and left. The bed was crumpled and you went into your study. It was a little quieter there but still noisy. You could still hear a hum of voices. The words were indistinguishable, and that’s why they were like troubled waters, they soaked you all through and muffled and jammed the wavelength you wanted to tune. The house droned with voices and music, and the walls vibrated with fun other people were having.
You took a seat at you table and tried to concentrate. There was a clean sheet of paper in front of you. You took a pen and started to scribble something, hardly thinking. There emerged a woman’s silhouette. You were surprised as you had never drawn before. There was something that looked like letters under your pen. It was all rather strange and curious. But at that moment the portrait, which was hanging on the opposite wall, crashed down suddenly, and distracted you.
- Why should she have bought it? – you thought. You remembered her to bring it home and then go on for hours and hours about how lucky she had been to buy it at the auction. It was a portrait of a stranger, the artist unknown. You saw neither any value in it, nor why one should pay so much for it. But she looked so pleased by her bargain that you took pains not to show her your indifference and even let her hang it in your study. Gradually, though, you were more and more often annoyed by her lack of common sense and tact, your constant mutual discord; as a result your affection for her was growing cold.
Now you decided not to hang this portrait onto the wall again but take it to the storeroom. You took it, left the study and went to the end of the corridor. It occurred to you that probably she would ask you about the portrait; you had to come up with some explanation. You decided you’d play a joke on her: tell her the man in the portrait had been sitting so much that his legs got stiff and he was out for a short stroll along the beach. Or he had left to see his dear old aunt who was down with some unexpected illness. It couldn’t be helped and the man – alas! – had to leave. Or some such story. You had fun while making it all up. You were amused by your own imagination, and the bitter feeling left your heart. You were in the vast expanses of your soul.
It was dark in the end of the corridor. The wall seemed longer than it used to be. The room beyond the wall as you well remembered was not at all that big. Was it just an illusion? You turned to look back: right, there was a long corridor between you and the door of the study. How come you never noticed it stretch like this? You didn’t often pass it by. There were many old useless things in the storeroom. You put down the portrait and decided to examine the wall. It occurred to you there should be something else there, since there was so much room. You would destroy the wall if you had to, but you wouldn’t leave it like this, without explanation! You were walking along the wall slowly, checking the surface with your hand. You visualized the external view of the house and remembered that the wall looked just the same from outside – too long, as if missing a window. Your fingers were feeling the dark smooth wall. You were just going to tap it all over when you felt there was a vertical groove all the way through, and another one a little further. They were almost invisible and very hard to notice. You realized you had found a door. You’d never been so thrilled before. You pushed it, but it was locked tightly. You felt for a keyhole, but were surprised when you found it, rather illogically. There was a set of spare keys for all the rooms in the house downstairs. You went down the steps.
There were plenty of people in the sitting room. Everybody were having fun and some time passed before they noticed you. She was dancing with your friend. One could see she forgot all about decency and the need to be careful. Your eyes became dark blue with the flood of emotions. As you were descending everybody were looking at them. You grabbed her wrist and dragged her upstairs.
- I don’t want to go, - she screamed, - leave me alone!
Everybody in the room froze watching you. Under the stares of the crowd you felt like in cold water. You were catching the ice edges inside. The ice was yours, it had been covering your faded feelings, now it was broken by her negligence. The dark water of her words surrounded you, and it seemed you were doomed to sink in her emotions, right in front of the others. But you finally got hold of the ice edge and got to your feet onto the firm ice. Still composed, you didn’t give them all pleasure to see you infuriated. She was still screaming, because your iron grip hurt her. Ignoring her, from the steps above you addressed the guests:
- Thank you, everybody, and goodbye, - you voice sounded calm and clear.
You and she left the guests. You pushed her into the bedroom and threw her onto the untidy bed. You were bubbling inside. Your rage, like lava, came down the green fields and blossoms of your most intimate tender feelings, and it devoured and burnt everything to ashes. The steaming river approached me and I had to escape high into your remote thoughts, because there was no room in your heart.
- I just wanted to make you jealous, - she called out to you.
- Well, you did it, - you answered dryly. You felt your throat go dry and left the room.
She was playing with fire but didn’t know it. She didn’t know much about you altogether. Only that your were gorgeous in bed.
Episode
In the bunch of keys you found what you had taken for a trinket, because it didn’t fit any of the doors. It was in a form of a cross. Now you were sure it was from that very door. You were even more wondering than before and were rather in a hurry to get upstairs. No mistake, the key fitted all right, and the door came open. Some bluish-yellow light began to flow from it. You entered. It was like a miracle: the light shimmered, and was almost palpable. It was pouring from somewhere above and filled the room with its warm glow. You seemed to breathe in this mysteriously fragrant light instead of air. There were no windows; not a single sound from outside penetrated the room. One could have a real rest here. There was thick soft carpet under your feet and you wanted to sink into it. You saw a low wide couch in the far end and lay down. The cover on the couch was smooth like silk, and warm like a woman’s body.
- My uncle was a queer fish, he was, but he certainly knew something about life if he had made something like this, - you thought.
Lying on your back you were watching the transparent play of lights and stayed in this unreal reality. That was the greatest birthday present you might have hoped to get.
You felt the warm wave run all over your body and closed your eyes. You dreamt of a bird-woman. She made several circles above you, then came down without touching the carpet and embraced you with her wings. You felt her affectionate touches, they caressed you soul. Your mind was finally at peace; your heart was filled with the wonderful feeling of complete happiness. The woman seemed to belong to a dream, but at the same time you knew you didn’t sleep. Her presence seemed evident to you, but you were inclined to explain it by your utter relaxation. My manifestation filled you with a new spectrum of senses. Now you possessed inner light, but you didn’t know it yet.
Episode
You lost count of time. There was nothing there to remind you of its run. You just got up and locked the room after you. Your resonant steps sounded in the house, which was empty now. The emptiness crawled inside you, whispering: “You are alone, nobody needs you”.
You felt hungry and went downstairs. In the dining room you came up to the fridge. There was a lot of food there and only one bottle of beer. You took the beer and a plate of sandwiches, but the sound of her voice behind your back made you start:
- Where have you been?
You were startled and dropped your only beer bottle. It smashed to pieces on the stone floor. You roared (there was something of a lion in you at times).
- I was tired of waiting and was just going to leave, - she went on.
- You should have done it long ago, - you answered, still angry because of the beer.
- Shall I? – she turned back, - Today you’ve seen the last of me.
- No one’s going to cry.
- Fine! It was wise of me to have packed my things, - she turned her back on you, - You’ll come back to me in a couple of days.
- The hell I will, - you answered, pouring yourself a glass of water.
You were sitting in front of the dumb TV screen. The sound was off – you had forgotten to switch it on and now you were too lazy to look for the remote control. You were eating the sandwiches, and no sound distracted you from your thoughts. At the moment you became aware that you had been living somebody else’s life. All of a sudden you wanted to go far, far away to find something that at last would bring you satisfaction. You felt at ease, relieved to have found the decision. And without much further consideration you left your house.
Episode
It all seemed so long ago, as if in a former life. You came back to your present. You were with somebody as usual, but as usual you felt isolated from everybody and everything - your own lonely self.
Jess was lying next to you but the bed seemed cold and empty. There was a strange light of hope and a kind of distant love inside you; this very feeling gave you no rest. If you didn’t feel it inside, the things could be much easier. And you probably could take your life for granted.
You were looking at the ceiling. It was like a coffin lid above, you thought. There was not a single tiny star, no moon to illuminate this darkness. As if the whole world was in this coffin. This gloomy image refused to quit you. You were once again alone in this world, and wanted to escape - to go home. I called you. You got up and started to dress. She woke up.
- Where are you going?
- I have to go. Could you lend me your car? You will receive it back soon. I will give you my address and phone number.
It was not like you. You wanted to be home as soon as possible, and you were acting and talking impulsively.
- Stay, please, - she was so upset that she was close to tears.
But nothing could stop you now. You tore the night to shreds, going at full speed. Suddenly a roe deer rushed into the road in front of you. The car hit it and it was flung away to the side of the road.
- Silly beast, - you murmured.
You leapt out of the car, which was damaged, and came to the animal. It was alive, but lay still. The moonlight gleamed in her eyes, wide with fear. There was blood. You didn’t know how to help, but you couldn’t just leave it there either. It was not big, so you tried to help it to its feet. But it couldn’t stand – there might be fractures. It was wondrous it stayed alive on such an impact. You put it to the back seat of the car, thinking about taking it to some vet clinic, though you didn’t know any about, never heard of one. You were driving more carefully on your way home.
Episode
When you opened the door of your home you had a feeling you never left it.
- Nice to be home again, - you thought.
You ran up the stairs and stopped in front of the door to the mysterious room. You heart was thumping in your chest as if it was going to burst out. You entered the room, closing the door behind you. The sounds of outside were immediately cut out, silence reigned here. You sat on the corner of the bed and waited: I called you. You seemed to be quite ready for it. You looked around, but didn’t see anybody. Your world was not accessible for me yet, but you were, and I closed your eyes. You felt my touch and saw me with your inner sight. I was so real and close to you that you held out your hands and embraced me. I was kissing you. You opened you eyes and didn’t see me, but still felt the pressure of my arms. My kisses were still moist on your lips and face. You shut me off, got up and left the room hurriedly. You had been waiting for something, but when it happened you didn’t believe.
- This is delusion, - you thought, - A flight of fancy. I just wanted it so much that I made it all up.
But something inside you insisted it wasn’t so.
I was upset: you didn’t accept me. But later I calmed down and concluded I came into the open too soon. All I needed was to wait a little longer.
Episode
You came to the room to daydream – to feel my presence, my touch. You came to me. In the beginning you were still thinking I was your fantasy. But later you understood I couldn’t be just the creation of your own imagination. I became your desire after I had made myself present. What happened to you in that ultramundane world was often unpredictable and sometimes couldn’t be explained by your own logic. But your mood, your perception had a tremendous influence. This world existed in you just because you accepted it. When you responded to the call of your own soul, you gave this world a chance. When you lived in this world, you gave a chance to yourself.
I loved you. What you felt with me didn’t leave you any more. You couldn’t forget and didn’t want to forget the wonderful moments when the whole of you melted in my caress, when you floated in the stream of my feelings. This stream held you high above everything that had been pressing you to the ground before. You perceived the love for yourself. You didn’t dream of yourself, you just wanted what was meant for you. But the outside world was still devoid of it all, it remained the same – you life conflicted with your soul. And you came back to me. We were flying together in the blue open spaces beyond the horizon, in the eternity of the sky. It was freedom, freedom to meet your own desires.
I didn’t realize all the consequences of my presence. It was not just a pleasant illusion for you – you became addicted to it, you needed it. You wanted to bring it to life, but not a woman of all you had ever met could accompany you beyond the limit. You missed the union of souls. They melted in you arms, but not with you. They went into ecstasies of your tenderness, but forgot all about you at the moment. Kissing them, you could suck away their soul, and they were scared of your passion outbursts, and drew back, and faded away. And you came back to me.
You were passionate and tender. The fire of your caress burnt my body, warmed my soul. You gave me immeasurable pleasure. I was in perfect bliss of your touch. At times you slipped away from me and I had to search for you with my hands not to let you go. Then you grew upon me, raised me and rose yourself, and I saw your face in the scarlet light of my love. Your eyes shone with crystal light and closed in the bliss of my innumerable kisses. You were open and available at such moments, and you were mine, infinitely mine. Nothing seemed to be able to spoil our relationship. But it stopped in one moment. You didn’t come to me any more.
Episode
I was calling to you, trying to compel you to come. But you were inexorable - you were tired of being tormented. You restrained the desire to be with me and started a relationship with some girl. For some time you had been living with her. I left you alone. Things seemed hopeless for me. My soul gone with the winds, I was just going with the stream and almost lost contact with you. And you, tormented with your own thoughts, once decided to bring your girlfriend to the room. You hoped that your relations will be altered by the aura of the enchanting room and something new will be introduced into them.
She was surprised by the room, and appreciated it. But you had been wrong hoping for her understanding. You were baring your soul to her; you were patient and affectionate enough. But she was soon tired of your demanding attitude. And you persisted in your resolution to go forward recklessly, to find a break-through of your reflected emotions. You made you both exhausted, so that she fell asleep. Trying to break through the flesh you were doomed to fail in the delicate mission of love.
You were seeking in the wrong places, in the wrong people, and in the wrong way. Your despair drove you to tears. You closed your eyes and broke your way into my world inside you. I was snapped from the stream by you – soaked to the bone, with arms weak from long inactivity. I could hardly stand, but you didn’t take notice, mad with the hopelessness of the trap you were in. You squeezed me in your arms, almost choked me. I couldn’t breathe. You pressed my head to your chest so that everything went dark before my eyes. You seemed to be doing it on purpose, taking revenge on your torturer. You hands were clasped around me in a deadly lock, and I nearly collapsed. But, pulling myself together, I held out my hands, took hold of your shirt collar, and pulled it down. The buttons snapped off, your neck was squeezed by the edges, and your grip relaxed a little. It was enough for me to break free from your hug.
I looked at you, and didn’t want to flee from you. I clung to your chest, I was kissing you, your lips, your eyes, moist with tears. I loved you more than my life. What was my life without you? But what could I do? I didn’t know where I came from. You just appeared in front of me. Out worlds were intertwined, and I could see yours. But I didn’t know how to access it, and stayed in my almost unreal world. I was searching for the entrance, but the ways of light were inscrutable. The boundary seemed to be within sight, at the horizon, but it escaped us and was as elusive as before. I fell asleep, tired with those endless efforts.
You burst into my world, my warm bed, exposed me to the cold snow. You raved and raged, because you didn’t know what to do. I huddled up in the cold, but stayed, not trying to escape you. My soul was in you, and there was no life without you. You heart afflicted with pity, your arms raised me and warmed me.
Episode
At first all my manifestations were associated in your mind with the room only. But all the room did was intensifying your perception since it was completely cut from the outside world. Once you recognized your feelings inside, you started to feel my presence elsewhere. Recollections of the past made you even surer of my reality. It was no longer the question of whether to believe in me or not. You simply knew that the other world is real. What was due to happen to make the boundary between the two disappear? Or was it to be left as it was? Then it made no sense. What’s the dream for, if not for coming true some day? You were even more resolute. You appeared in front of me and hugged me. Your breath came in rushes like wind that betokened a storm. I could hear it above my head. But you were tender and affectionate, and I calmed down a little. You looked into my eyes - straight into my heart.
- Come with me, - you said suddenly.
You took my hand and opened your eyes. You ceased to see me, but I still felt you holding my hand. I could see you. My hand hurt, squeezed by yours.
- Stay with me! – you wanted a miracle to happen, but none came. You summoned me, and as you couldn’t enter yourself, you let your strong spirit enter before you. It captured my soul like a hurricane, it pulled and pulled. I was being wheeled round as I flew up, my body grew numb, my heart was being torn to pieces. But I didn’t object. I wanted you to take me with you into your world so much that I didn’t mind the pain. I couldn’t do it by myself. But I fell down from the height.
- If you are not going to appear I will burn your world to ashes! – your voice sounded like a death sentence. All of a sudden my world lit up like a candle. At the bottom of your heart you were in agony. You closed your eyes again and saw that the very ground I was standing on was on fire. You were scared.
- No! I don’t want you to die! – you shouted, and the skies gushed out rivers of water and extinguished the fire.
You were astonished to find out how much you affected my world, but were still unaware, that it was your world as well, but the internal one. I rushed to you, but the pouring waters almost drowned us. You were standing still and didn’t try to help me. You were devastated and ruined by you sufferings and the fire, that had scorched your heart. I managed to get out of the water, but you didn’t let me approach you.
- I want to forget you, - your voice sounded like a final verdict, and a gap separated us. I came deep down, and it was dark and scary there. There were spirits I never knew about. I tried to ignore them, and continued to look up above my head, where you could still be seen on the edge of your land. I made for the edge, gripped it, still hoping. But I was not strong enough, and you didn’t give me your hand, burying me in oblivion. And there gaped an abyss. I was falling down it agonizingly long, having lost all sight of you. All I could see was a thin ray of light above me. Then it disappeared and I was left in complete darkness. I closed my eyes, and all I could see with my inner sight was that edge and your stony lifeless stare. Please, forgive me!
Episode
You married. Your life became regular and ordinary. Your heart was tranquil, it was not being torn apart now. You didn’t dream of me any more, didn’t even think about me. You were having rest. You wife Vivien loved you for your peace of mind – it made her more confident. Nevertheless she felt a deficit of passion on your part. At first she tried to stir you up by showing all her love for you, but her efforts were in vain – you were dead. She didn’t know about that. I didn’t know about that either, because I was dead too. You treated her with understanding, but not in a sentimental fashion. Finally, she found a lover. People were soon talking. But you remained unperturbed and didn’t take trouble to find out the truth. No, nothing is ever going to shatter your peace and quiet again. Life turned out to be too complicated to struggle to get to the truth. The ways were innumerable and lead to nowhere.
Vivien got into a habit of coming late from work recently. Once she didn’t come home at all. You spent the whole night watching endless programs on TV, all by yourself in your empty house. She appeared in the morning. You were keeping silent. It really drove her crazy. There was no jealousy, no hurt feelings, not even a simple question like “Where have you been?”
- You have no feelings, - she flew on you, - you are indifferent!
You were analyzing what she had said in silence. At first sight it all seemed to be about somebody else, but at the bottom of your heart you couldn’t but agree; you realized you had become like that. She plucked the shirt at you throat:
- You are heartless! Does it mean anything to you when I am with someone else? Or is it all the same to you?
You moved her aside.
- It’s not all the same to me, it’s all the same to you.
Your answer was more then convincing. It really sorted things out, and she was at a loss for further arguments.
The young woman looked at you and was astonished to find a stranger in the place of a close partner. Somebody very distant, very remote was in front of her. He didn’t show any spouse emotions and she didn’t feel like coming closer to you, hugging you as she should. She didn’t love you any more, and she never realized that she had loved only her own idea of you. Vivien ran upstairs and left you alone to enjoy your peace – but there was no peace in your mind any longer.
You thoughts were running wild like mustangs, ready to smash you with their speed. They were showing you some separate snatches of you life, illuminating your reality and its results.
- It was true after all, - you thought.
You didn’t blame her, you understood her as before. But you didn’t blame yourself either: you didn’t promise anything, and never promised more than you could do. So you didn’t vex yourself with remorse for long and went to a deep sleep after the night’s insomnia.
The harsh smell of smoke woke you up. You got up and ran upstairs. The puffs of smoke were coming out of the bedroom. You pulled the door open and clouds of acrid smoke belched from it. The flames leapt and nearly burnt your face. Everything was on fire. The flames were running up. She was lying on the floor in the middle of the room. You carried her out. The house was a-smoke. She was not breathing. You called the rescue team by the phone next door. There was a shrill sound of the coming fire-engine; somebody must have called them earlier. Two firemen jumped out of the car to give you first aid. The others started to extinguish the fire. Meanwhile an ambulance came. They put your wife onto a stretcher and brought her into the car. You took your seat near her. You were in a shocked state and could hardly understand what was going on. The movements of men in green uniforms seemed slowed-down. There were no visible burns on her but she was still unconscious. The ambulance drove up to the hospital. Vivien was taken to Emergency. You waited and waited. The voices behind the door went quiet and the doctor came out to you.
- I am really sorry. She died from overdose, - he said dryly, wiping sweat from his forehead with his sleeve.
You were taken aback. It was like a bolt from the blue.
- But she didn’t take drugs, - you said.
- You probably didn’t know, - he answered.
You came home dispirited. The house was surrounded by people. The reporters came running up and the front lawn was still crowded. The flashes of their cameras blinded you. You frowned and shielded your eyes with you hand. They stepped aside, giving you way, a little discouraged by the expression of your face. But they were professionals and started shooting you with questions.
- Get out of here, it’s a private property, - you almost snarled, entered the house, and shut the door with a loud bang.
The house was damp all through and reeked of ashes. You went upstairs to have a look. May be you would manage to put up with what had happened. By some mysterious chance the middle part of the carpet where she had been lying not long ago was not burnt. For some time you had been looking at this and listened to the voices of people still standing outside. Then you dashed forward, grabbed the half-burnt carpet and threw it out of the window right down to the crowd.
- If you want a sensation, you may get it!
They scattered around. It was believed you went insane, and it was right to some extent. You were mad, having lost control. Not only what you did told about it, but the way you looked, too. You had been barefoot since the moment you were woken up by the smoke and rushed into the burning bedroom. You never noticed this when you were going to the hospital, when you were waiting there, when you came home. You had been so preoccupied with her death that seemed to have lost all the other senses. Still being there, looking around, you were not trying to find the answer to the question, as you already knew it. On the chest of drawers, damaged by the fire, you caught sight of her picture. You took it out from under the broken glass. Vivien was smiling in it, but her eyes remained sad. Your hands holding the picture trembled, tears welled up. You made the hold of your fingers firm and put he photograph in your shirt pocket. You were sick and tired of losing.
Sauntering around the rooms absently, you noticed blood track and was staring at it in wide-eyed astonishment until you realized it was your own. The tracks were coming from the burnt out bedroom. There was a lot of broken glass there, but you noticed neither that, nor the fact that you were barefoot. You looked where the big full-length mirror was hanging. Who was there in front of you? A barefoot man in sooty clothes. The soot was everywhere – on your face and hands. The contrast of your sooty skin and light eyes was scary. Despite the pain that filled your soul, your eyes looked cleared up, as if it was the time of repentance. You went to take a shower. The water was running down your body. You leaned against the cold tiles and slid down slowly, closing your eyes to concentrate on your inner feelings. You were seeking after something, but you couldn’t find it. I was not there to be found. Your thoughts were my last resort. You were scared. Slipping a dressing-gown on your naked body, you went running to the room that remained intact. You came in and waited for a long time. It didn’t help. I didn’t come. Once taken by you, my life couldn’t be breathed back into me again. You had been lying there for hours; you neither moved nor noticed time. It was the end. You left the room, dressed, packed your travel bag, left the house and went away.
Your loneliness, the emptiness of ideas and voices, surrounding you… You decided to change it all. You were leaving, and you didn’t let yourself to look back, so that your past wouldn’t come catching you. You didn’t want the gloomy thoughts to swallow you up again. Those thoughts were casting a dark shadow on the light that you tried to preserve inside you. That light was your love of life. And despite your overwhelming despair you still held onto your hope to be happy some day. You were striving for it.
Episode
You were sitting in a soft chair of a comfortable coach that was speeding along the motorway and looking at desolate hills, passing by. The shining sun was warm on you even through the darkened-out windows, and the rocking of the coach soon lulled you into a light doze. If not for a little girl running up and down the aisle, you would soon be asleep. Because of the sun, you were sitting near the aisle, so she brushed against you each time she ran by and grasped the arm of you seat. You had to open your eyes and smile at her. Her mother’s expostulations were in vain. At last she was tired, settled down, and took a seat across the aisle. There was a moment’s peace. She was still eyeing you with curiosity when you went to sleep. The sleep finally came, enveloping you and cutting off your various thoughts. It snatched you away from reality and took you to its supernatural kingdom, where they couldn’t reach you. You were thinking in your sleep as well, but unlike your earthly thoughts, these thoughts were not the consequence of logic. They came from outside. They called on you and sometimes revealed inconceivable things to you.
Now you were dreaming of a girl in a white dress. She was looking deep into your eyes, and you saw your own reflection in hers. You left her and went through a deep entangled wood, through its darkness and thorny branches. They were scratching your face and hands, tearing your clothes to pieces. Sharp thorns of wild bushes bit into your body painfully, leaving deep wounds. But you managed to get out of the thicket and looked around you. She was there too, in the darkness, keeping pace with you. She was moving along in some unreal crimson light. The light didn’t touch the ground, but made the trees step aside. It approached you, and the girl was in that shining. Somehow you knew that if you entered the circle of light, you would be cured. You made for it, feeling warmth even in your sleep. It was love itself.
All of a sudden several abrupt jerks made you open your eyes. The coach tilted and started to turn over its side. You were clutching your seat not to fall onto the window which was now right below you. The glass was creaking, ready to crumble. With deafening screech the coach was being carried along the motorway. The girl came falling down the aisle to you. Her fear was mirrored in her eyes, she started to cry. The pieces of broken glass were poring on you. You bent over to shield her from dangerous fragments, but then something very heavy fell on you and pressed you hard. You had to struggle with all your might to protect your both. The man that had been sitting across the aisle, now dead, hit you when the coach was jerked once again. A big splinter of glass jutted out of his stomach, he was bleeding heavily. His blood was spilling on you, and you closed your eyes not to see it. You were trembling with physical effort. You tried to raise yourself a little to get free. But the man was too bulky, and you couldn’t do it. The coach turned upside down and came to a halt at last. The limp body of the man slipped down, and you heaved a sigh of relief.
The girl was not crying any more. She was in a state of a shock, and was still clutching your shirt, hiding her face. She wouldn’t undo the clasp of her fingers. Your shirt was stained with blood, but it didn’t hurt. It was not your blood, it was that man’s. You shifted your gaze to look at the upside-down world inside the coach. You turned over, still holding the girl in your hands, and stood up between the rows of seats onto what used to be the roof. It was time to get out of there. The smashed windows were framed with splinters, so one couldn’t safely use them to escape. You looked towards the driver’s seat. There was no windscreen. You made your way to the front, passing by the people. Many of them were badly wounded, they were moaning. You seemed to be the only people who were not injured. All the rest needed first aid; some of them needed nothing though. You and the girl got out of the coach.
Episode
The sight was terrible: the dead body of the driver, thrown out through the windscreen and ran over by the couch; a young couple – they caused the accident – near the upturned motorbike; a woman wailing over the dying lad. Suddenly in the midst of horror you saw an angel in a white dress. The girl was approaching you and seemed a white dove that had come down to save you all. You thoughts became confused. You blood was pulsating in your temples, you breath came throbbing, you had a funny feeling in your chest. And though your heart was silent, you told yourself: “It’s her!”
The girl took the scared child from you.
- You’d better call the rescue service, - she said to you as she was going away with the girl in her arms. For a second you were looking after her. You were at a loss for words, taken aback. She seemed a miracle to you, a dream, that had suddenly come true. You didn’t even manage to remember her face, and her white dress was floating in front of your eyes. She sneaked off and disappeared behind the bend of the road. When you turned round the rock, which had hid her from view, you saw a church and the girl, entering it. Earlier, you would hesitate whether to follow her or not, but not at that moment, when your desire had finally acquired definite form. You stepped inside.
It was cool and half-dark there. The rays of light were coming in through the narrow windows, lined high above, right under the arch; dramatic shadows lay in the corners. All this struck you with awe – a feeling, which had been unknown to you before. You lingered (which was not your usual way), standing between the rows of benches. Then you heard a woman’s voice behind the door and stepped onto the altar dais.
- Where are you going, young man? You can’t go there, - said the voice behind your back.
You turned to see a middle-aged man near the side entrance.
- The thing is, - you explained, - that I am looking for the girl in white. I saw her enter.
The man came up to you.
- What for?
The question nearly took you by surprise.
- She has my girl with her, - you answered. You couldn’t think of anything else to say.
- I will fetch her in a minute. Please, wait here.
She came up, leading the girl by the hand.
- I have already phoned for the rescuers, - she addressed you. - I am sorry. I thought the girl was somebody else’s daughter. You didn’t look like her father.
- He isn’t my Dad, - said the girl, - I want to Mommy, - and she started to cry.
The girl looked at you inquiringly and squatted down in front of the child.
- Don’t cry, dear, your Mommy will soon come, - she soothed her, - Now, tell me your name.
The girl continued to sob, giving no answer.
- Melly, - you said. You remembered her mother address her.
The girl in white looked at you. You were ready to sink into the brown depths of her eyes. The time stopped short. You felt your breath coming out slowly, as if you would never be able to utter a word again. You were at the breaking point, immobilized. She thought you were still under the shock of the accident and needed help.
Episode
You stayed with her. With the church, to be exact, and with the weariless vigil of her father. He was the pastor of the church, and she helped him with everything. She seemed to be very kind and unselfish. Her hands were of healing energy. She treated people, who came for a word of comfort and a cure.
It was the most unusual girl in your life. Your soul, still bleeding from the torments of the past, was longing for her presence and calmed down. You would sit for hours in the church garden beneath the trees; she would read the Bible to you. You listened to her and your pain was quenched. She talked to you about the salvation of your soul. You agreed with her; you knew you were a sinner. She took you from the world, which, as she said, wallowed in darkness, and opened her clean life for you. You enjoyed this new life, inhaling its freshness. You had your own room. Very simple and ascetic, but very clean. The Bible she had given to you lay on the table opposite the window. She was persuading you to enter the Church, and you almost made up your mind, until you started to doubt.
Once during your usual walk in the garden she talked about your house.
- Why should you need it? Wouldn’t it be better if you sold it and gave the money for the glory of God?
- Marry me. I will give it to you, - you answered.
Since your first meeting you had been thinking of her as your fianc;e, you just didn’t dare to speak about it. You had been waiting for the proper occasion, and it was by no means easy. There was an unquenchable thirst of love in your body. The longing for human embrace was so strong at times it made you shudder. When you were with her, you had to restrain yourself not to ruin your relations. It seemed to be the moment to make the declaration of your love, worthy of her purity. You thought the reason of your stay in that place had been obvious enough, but still you had to propose to her openly.
When she heard it, she frowned.
- Could you really be interested in that dirty matter? – You were taken aback by her question.
- I am not interested in any dirty matter, I am interested in you.
- Good, we could be like brother and sister, - she was uncompromising.
- But I love you, - you insisted.
- I love you too. We can be friends and companions. Just think to how many people we could help together, isn’t it great! Can’t you see that salvation is the only thing that matters?
- Well, save me, if you love me. I want you to be with me.
- I will be near you, if you join us.
- But not with me. What part of your soul have you allotted to me? I don’t want to share you with the others, - you grasped her shoulders and kissed her passionately and tenderly.
She slapped you in the face.
- Dirty beast, - her words were cruel and malicious.
- One has to turn the other cheek, doesn’t one? – you said with bitter grin and turned you face.
- You get off here back to your beastly world you’d come from, - she cried with angry tears. You didn’t sympathize for once. On the opposite – you were disgusted. How had she learnt to hate so much? Isn’t it love alone that could save the world?
- I didn’t offer the beastly world, I offered the whole of me. The thing is you don’t want me.
You left her and headed for the road.
You had never thought badly of yourself before you met her. You had hardly reflected on yourself at all. You just lived, sought, loved – tried to love. Now her words refused to leave you and still sounded in your ears. They sneaked in and froze you soul.
- She may be right about something, - you thought. But she couldn’t possibly be right about everything. You agreed that intemperance was immoral, that this messy world had to be improved. You believed there must be somewhere its perfect form to be found. But she rejected your love, and thus rejected your very nature. She wanted you to obey and to act in the certain way, but she disregarded you personality. You were capably of a sacrifice, but not for her; not any longer.
Episode
After some time you were overtaken by a car. You noted that the situation repeated itself, as if your past got hold of you again. The car stopped near you. The woman that was sitting in it had a dark hat on. The blue stare of her curious eyes seemed unreal to you. She, in her turn, thought you were unreal. Never before had she come across such eloquent heavenly eyes. Your sun-bleached wavy hair was tousled with wind. You seemed wind itself that had happened to travel as far as that. She went on staring at you. Her voice brought you back to reality. Though you didn’t quite catch what she said, you got into her car. It flashed in your mind for a moment that somebody seemed to help you each time things got tight. The thought didn’t seem very important at the time, though.
- Well, I am really the child of this world, and I love it, - you thought. – But I am not a dirty beast.
You took a deep breath. At last you broke free from the oppressive words. The very image of the girl in white, trying to overpower you, was far behind. You didn’t regret – you were free to have your own way. You looked forward and felt your pulse accelerate.
Your new companion enjoyed looking at you. She tried very hard to keep her eyes on the road but her gaze now and again drifted in your direction. She become aware of this vibrant craving for life and thought you were special. I knew better. I would say you were unique. She felt a growing interest towards you. But I didn’t have any feelings – I was in the realm of shadows.
You were driving up to a lively spot. There was a bar at the crossroads with a big neon sign. The letters of the sign lit up the dark blue of the sky and created that special atmosphere you liked so much.
- Here’s my church! - you said gleefully, looking forward to a feast.
- What did you say? - She heard what you said, but didn’t understand.
- Oh, nothing, - you answered. Your eyes were shining.
You got out of the car. She took you by your arm. You were following the familiar rout of your former life. You entered the bar. Rapt attention of men was following her. She was the queen. You saw it, but you couldn’t offer her more interest. You were just relaxing. Having got rid of the tension that had been controlling you the whole month, you were ready to really let loose. Nevertheless, you felt something had changed in you. You didn’t feel like drinking. And the music was too loud for your liking. You were sitting at the counter; you didn’t touch your drink. Something wouldn’t let go of you, but what?
A man came up to you. He noticed how indifferent you had been to your pretty companion, and decided to try his luck.
- Come with me, baby, - he said. - Here is a real chap who can appreciate good looks when he sees it.
- Fuck off! - Her voice was point-blank.
- Okay, as you say, baby, - the man chose not to return her offence, - But when you are tired of waiting, just remember I’m nearby. – The man went away.
You knocked back your drink that had been put in front of you good half an hour ago. She thought something got going at last, and she was right. You gave a sign to the barman, and another glass brimful of tequila was placed in front of you. You drank it up as well. After another half an hour, you were completely weak and limp from drinking. You looked like a block-head, staring stupidly at the lamp on your table. You were thinking of me. A moth was hovering and circling round the light, attracted by its warmth.
- It just doesn’t make sense! I used to be just like that moth – felt the light, saw it, and couldn’t make my way through.
You were suddenly engulfed by bitterness. It filled your whole being.
- Buddy, isn’t your stuff bitter, - you said to the barman.
There was a silent question in your eyes, full to the brim with this life – why? There was no answer.
- Who am I with? – you asked, pulling the barman’s sleeve. The barman cast a look in her direction.
- You are with me, - she tore you away from the barman.
You were in her arms at last. She took you by the elbow and almost dragged you into the room upstairs. She pushed you onto the bed and locked the door. For some time you had been lying with your eyes shut: you came back to me in your thoughts, and now you were bathing in that light, giving yourself up to it. Inhaling the aroma of the sweet reminiscences, you were all in the power of the dream. She looked at you: you body was relaxed, the hair was scattered on the bed cover; your eyelashes cast shadows on your brown face. You lips were parted in a distracted smile. You were radiating delight. She could no longer wait for your advances, and fell upon you. You felt her undo your boot laces; then your belt went loose. She threw your shirt open and pressed against you. Your blood was boiling. After a month of constraint you body was on fire. You flung your hands around her body and hugged her with all your might. You wanted no limits, going on quickly. You didn’t bother with a tender prelude and was rude. She didn’t want it that way and she tried to stop you. But it was impossible. She couldn’t free herself as you pressed her down. She realized she was helpless and got scared. The first blissful moments gave way to a nightmare. She wanted to shrink, but you didn’t let her to. She cried:
- I don’t want it! Let me go!
But she only raised a tide of rage in you. She was screaming, and you pressed your hand over her mouth. She was biting you and pushing you away with her hands, but you didn’t stop. Your discontent and frustration crushed your heart. You were falling down a deep precipice, carrying her along, with wings folded behind your back. You were burning in your breath-taking way down; you tore apart the contrary winds and reached the very bottom. Your soul burnt down to ashes. Your body was dead calm now. You opened you eyes and threw a stony cold glance over her. She was sobbing. Now she thought you to be a monster.
- You asked for it, - you voice was quite composed and thus much more evil.
You went to the bathroom and couldn’t recognize your own reflection. Facing you was untidy hair and eyes which were almost black, with only a little tint of blue. The black abyss was looking through them. You could still feel yourself falling.
- Dirty beast, - you said to your reflection.
You opened your palm with the deep mark of her bite, clenched your fist and struck the mirror as hard as you could. The glass was shattered to pieces which dropped into the sink. Your blood was trickling down the splinters and you didn’t care. Your soul was empty.
Episode
There was no future, not even present. Your past possessed you once again. You couldn’t escape from it – the door to the other world was closed. There was everything in that other world, but it rejected you. You used to be eager to fight for it, but not any longer. You didn’t want to race and rush, trying to prove your worth. You were tired. You were lying prone with closed eyes, and the chain of fragments pictured your life to you. Your past surrounded you with memories. It had sapped so much of your strength and vitality!
There was an unexpected vision: you were running in a kind of stadium. You were the first to reach the steps of Olympus. There was a burning torch in your hand. It was like your heart – bright flames floating in the wind. But there was a man hiding in the shadow, who had obviously been waiting for you. He stepped towards you, hit your chest and tore out your heart. You fell down; he took your torch from the ground, mounted the stairs, and lit the fire of glory. His face was exposed to the cheers of the crowd. You had to put a rock in the place of your heart not to feel excruciating pain, and nearly turned to rock yourself. But your soul was as vulnerable and eager as ever, and the rock started to ooze water. It was not tears, it was your tremulous sensuality, seeking its way out. Your thoughts were overwhelming and absinth-bitter on your lips. It bent over you and hid the light.
Episode
Rambling aimlessly around remote ages and places, you found yourself lost in the heart of a big city. The skyscrapers were hiding the distance from view, and only a tiny bit of sky could be seen. Your soul was longing for light. And you were still looking for a way out, though you had no idea that you did.
You found yourself in poor quarters in the outskirts of the city. Rubbish, which was littering the streets, sooty hedges, and grim gray houses with broken window panes made it clear that the district had long been neglected.
- What a poky hole of a place. The edge of life, - you thought.
But it was not quite so. The life was there, only it was different and had its own laws. Untidy and messy from an outsider’s point of view, it was driven by its own orderly rules inside. You saw a group of people and in the middle of it two boys. The boys were fighting in a tough adult-like way. One of them was bleeding.
- What are you two doing?! – you shouted at them and tugged one of them by the sleeve, - Stop it!
- What does it have to do with you? It’s none of your business! Go your own way, - snapped the one you were holding. He was angry and his eyes were sparkling. He behaved like a grown up, but you saw he was still a child.
- Get off here! Nobody asked you to interfere! – the other teenager shouted.
You didn’t behave sensibly. But none of this world’s reasons could change the reasons of you heart.
- Cool off, lad! – you grabbed the boy and caught sight of a gleaming knife in his hand. And suddenly you felt a blow that threw you down. You fell. The teenagers ran away scared – even here they regarded homicide a grave crime.
You were coming down some empty spaces, feeling the growing distance that separated you from the outer world.
- How absurd, and how stupid, – you thought, - but how quiet.
Through your half-open eyelids you still saw dim human figures, bending over you; you still heard the ambulance alarm. But you didn’t belong here any longer. Your soul was being carried through some labyrinth with a sickening speed. The labyrinth was endless. The walls were of some transparent sea-green fabric that seemed alive, being washed with yellowish light. You somehow knew that this membrane tissue lacked some element. You would be simply sucked in, as if by a vacuum, and you would stay there forever. But you were unable to change anything. You felt completely devoid of your will-power. You were no longer yourself. You were a part of the other world – where the babies come from, when they have a chance to be born; where the aged return, when they had finished their life journey. You put up with it all calmly, and accepted the inevitable. But all of a sudden there appeared a soft light ahead of you. My prayers had been heard by Him, who gave you the second chance.
Episode
You body was still in a coma, and your soul was wandering around the other worlds, searching for me, but in vain. You never put up with life without love. You cherished your hope, but didn’t quite realize that no one else but you caused your own disparity. All your initiatives and theories crashed against the dream you had been cultivating in your heart. You were looking for the answer to your “Why?”, but you didn’t look inside yourself. Your world was burnt down to a lifeless desert; it was ruined by endless wars, fruitless search and disappointment. You were exhausted, but went on fighting against the world and yourself. And there was time when the light of your soul faded. There were no flowers in it, no trees, not a single blade of green grass – only naked flesh of the Earth, with deep ugly trenches. The ground was covered with ankle-deep ashes. You knelt. There, up above, in your most remote thoughts, was God. The only thing you wanted now was to have me near. Your soul was suddenly filled with courage, you gazed intently upward, your lips whispered: “My Lord, help me!” Then there was one thought that stayed: “Come!” You repeated it infinite number of times. It seemed to be pointless and hopeless, but you held onto that thought, you were all in it, and finally you felt me coming.
You opened your eyes and saw me through the grey shroud. You thought you were once again in a non-existent world, but you couldn’t face the possibility to be parted with me again. You wanted to be with me so much, that you stopped breathing. The bright spot of light that had been moving up and down the monitor, stopped and turned into a line, crossing the screen. It was zooming monotonously, like death itself, depriving everything of breath and emotions.
- No, no, you can’t go away like this, you can’t leave me as you did before! Not when I finally managed, please, stay with me!
I cuddled you, and you felt my presence and woke up. I came from your dreams and hidden fantasies to stay. I had been growing in you, in your heart. Now I was grown enough to be worth your dream. Your inner world had been creating me, and we belong to each other, because I live for you, and the love for you is in my blood. You are my love! And I am the love for you. I was born from your inner world into your outside world to be with you. And you saw my birth.
Epilogue
You blindfolded me with a black silk scarf. It was not gauzy, but I saw you through it. You ran your hand fondly from my shoulder down to the palm of my hand.
- Now, what am I doing? – you asked.
- Stroking me, - I answered.
You guessed I could see.
- Oh, no, this woman is killing me. She doesn’t feel, she sees, - you said.
I had loved you so long, never being able to touch you, that all my senses were outdriven by vision. My hands didn’t know you. My lips never knew the taste of yours. I didn’t know how you would look at me. All my feelings are inside me yet. But I know they will burst out like a river of love once you are with me.