ïåðåâîä: http://www.proza.ru/2014/09/23/372
I was born in the family of a naval captain of tsar’s fleet, just before the revolution in Russia. When it started I was only four years old. I remembered my mother badly, only some moments. They appeared in my memory like flashes and illuminated it. But my father in the contrary was reflected in my mind very well. His dark-blue (suit) tunic with golden buttons and white cap made a very bright image. We had a very big house with stairs leading to the second floor. May be it seemed to me to be big, because I was small. The brightest recollection from that pre-revolutionary time was a very big Christmas tree in the hall in winter when it was my birthday and my father’s present under it – a box of colored chalks. As far as I remembered myself I liked to draw. And I like to listen to fairy tales, which my mother told me. I remembered her tender hands and quiet sad voice.
Explosions and shooting which followed the coming of a new world stopped our common life. I remembered dark corridors, a carriage with horses and my father who held me tightly. Then we were on the board of a ship. I was sitting in my father’s cabin and drawing on a white sheet of paper. My father’s voice was heard from the deck through the noise and loud shots of guns. Suddenly it became silently all the sounds stopped. I couldn’t say that I felt my fear, it was inside me and didn’t allow me to come to the door, but it didn’t hold me at that moment. I separated myself from something unbelievable, horrible and continued to draw staying in my own world. I didn’t know how much time lasted, but the sky in the part hole became dark. And I called for my father. He didn’t appear. Hunger made me to leave my chair and to come to the door. It was difficult to open it. The door handle was like a lever and I had to press it down with a force. It was to press for a grown-up, but I had to pull it. After great forces the handle at last moved and began to open. The way was free. I went out into a long corridor. Nobody was seen anywhere. It was silently, frightening silently as if everybody died. There wasn’t even heard noise of waves that followed everybody who was in the sea. I don’t remember as I climbed up the staves to the deck. I remember an empty ship and I called for my father and cried.
Seventy years later.
Your submarine, which captain you were, was drifting in the sea not far from American shore. You had some problems with your equipment and mechanics tried to repair it. And you also had lost any connection with the land and the other ships, as though you sank into a hollow emptiness. A foggy haze was covering you submarine. Your operator for two hours tried to listen to something and couldn’t find the reason of that deep silence around, but suddenly he heard a slight noise and the display of your radar began to work, showing an object coming to you. A radio-wave gave a signal, preventing from a danger, but the display turned off at that moment. You couldn’t see anything in periscope, the fog was very thick but you felt something wrong and noticed a dark spot on the right side of the board. It was coming nearer and nearer, becoming a big ship. It was coming to you by its one side and it was clear that it wasn’t ruled. The collision was unavoidable, and you ordered to be ready to the blow. Luckily the wind had changed; it seemed to rush towards the ship, raising waves. Whirlpool that was formed with waves between two boats smoothed the blow and you submarine didn’t suffer. When everything became quiet, you and a half of the crew came up the deck.
The sailors discussed excitedly what had happened. They shouted at the unexpected guest and whistled. It was a cruiser of a pre-war model. There were some old letters just near the head of the ship. The letters were foreign. There was nobody on the board of a ship. You ordered to make fast and two fellows threw ropes to the foreign boat. One of the sailors hang on the edge of the not very tall board jumped over it and began to tight the rope on the cruiser. You and some sailors came up the board and ordered to examine the ship. After some time there was a cry from the low deck.
- Captain, come here!
You came down the old wooden stairs quickly through a narrow hall and saw a sailor who stood by the open door of one room. The fellow was silent, but the expression of his face showed that he was very surprised. And there was something to be surprised: a little girl was sleeping quietly on the bed in the room. There were some chalks in her hand. You stepped inside. Everything was old here: cover of the walls, a small bookcase with book, a table, thing and the girl’s dress were like from the old pictures. On the table there was a piece of a yellow cardboard. It was a picture, on which there was a Christmas tree and a man dressed in a naval officer’s uniform. That was shown by two rows of yellow rounds, serving as buttons and accurately drawn yellow stripes on the sleeves, which could be seen only on the captain’s tunic. The picture wasn’t perfect and told about the girl.
The girl woke up. When she saw a stranger wearing a uniform in front of her she pronounced loudly a short word in a foreign language, something like a Trench “papa”. She stretched her little hands to you and dropped her chalks you took the baby not doubting about the meaning the word. She grasped you and signed quietly.
- Take please her chalk. – you asked one sailor, - and her picture. There were some sailors in the hall already and they looked at the child with surprise. The cruiser was inspected thoroughly and when you were sure that there wasn’t anybody there everybody came to the submarine. You ordered to take pictures of that unknown ship and cast off.
The wave pushed the ship-ghost and it began to vanish in a thick veil of fog, from which it appeared.
- Everything is all right. – reported your warrant officer. - All systems are ready!
And it was strange; it seemed that your submarine was waiting specially that empty cruiser so that you look that girl from it. The crew came down inside and the submarine began to go faster and faster to its native shores.
The girl was very pretty with wide open blue eyes, changing its color into green. She had chestnut curls and was like an angel. She didn’t want to leave you. Your house in Connecticut was quite all right and your chief together with the guardian’s council decided to leave the girl with you during your holiday for her adaptation. She spoke Russian and a psychologist who knew that language come to your place every day. His task was to clear up who she was, who her parents were and how she appeared on a board of that ship. He asked her some questions and her answers surprised all of you. At first the psychologist considered her stories to be the result of a strong stress of the child in such a situation or a fantasy. You could understand from her words that she was talking about different time and it was impossible to believe in her words. But it didn’t last for a long time. Soon the specialists recognized in the pictures a military ship, which disappeared in 1917. It was seen for the last time in St. Petersburg – the north capital of the Russia. They became to realize the child’s words seriously. Russian authorities demanded to give them the girl, they wanted her to return home, but the Americans refused, because the child was found in the American waters.
During the time that she lived in your house, she became attached to you and so did you. You liked her attitude and that quietness, when she was sitting near you and drawing. She didn’t call you “father” but still was attached to you, taking your hand every possible time. You became feeling her very near and dear person and it was quite natural that you wanted to take care of her. But great deal of your life passed very far from the home and you couldn’t do it. Your leave was coming to the end and she didn’t suspect that you would be far away very soon. You felt you fault but couldn’t change anything; you weren’t able to look after her.
You had left Kate (that washer name as it turned out) in the living room with the representatives of a guardian council. A fat women and a young man, wearing glasses were sitting on the sofa in front of the little table and the girl treated them to coffee. It was like a game for her. She played the hostess of your house. Guardians were found for Kate, because her parents died long ago. That was Russian speaking couple from California. They had to come soon. You had to go, and the car had come already, but it wasn’t standing near the house. You didn’t want the girl to see your departure. It was difficult to go away. Kate began to call you “father” again. Your heart fell dawn when you were near the door. You understood that the decision to take the girl to her new parents just from your house was wrong, but you wanted it to be better. It was done and there were only few minutes before their appearance. You closed the door carefully and went to the car faster and faster. While walking you lit a cigarette and the smoke flew behind you leaving a pungent veil. You were walking so quickly, that the little girl could not catch you as she was running.
Suddenly you felt something on your chest under the shirt, you stopped und unbuttoned it, you couldn’t believe and put your hand inside. To your great surprise there was a pigeon. It flew up and melted like a white haze so quickly that you thought it was a miracle. And really your tunic was buttoned up, though you could swear that you did and saw all that. It was a vision, unbelievable to you, but it stopped you and the girl could catch you. You felt the touch of childish hand and start. Your conspiracy failed. Kate took your hand and drew towards the house.
- I am to go dear, - you said kindly and didn’t move. She shook her head negatively as she could understand your language a little. You threw your cigarette and squatted in front of the girl.
- They will come soon, they will love you, - and the last phrase wasn’t easy for you. The girl smiled and snuggled up to you. She didn’t understand. You took her on your hands and went to the house.
- I love you, - she said in Russian and put her head on your shoulder.
That was your last cigarette, not only in the dream. You woke up. A noise of metal cutting waves turned you into the reality. You were in your room in your submarine, and that was only a dream, one and the same. It dreamed not for the first time, reminding you that you had left something very important in the past and though the girl was living for many years with another family and possibly she forgot about you, you let that dream to live inside you. You let it stay in your thoughts, you thought about Katherine, not making any attempts to have any contact with them. You felt that you couldn’t appear in their house. You knew that they treated her as their own daughter. You couldn’t allow yourself disturb the composure of their life only because you wanted to see her. The thought that everything was all right with her was enough for you.
I wasn’t even thirteen, when I realized that I loved you and not as a father, though I loved you from that moment when I saw you on the ship and mixed you up with him when I was a little girl. I didn’t stop thinking about you. You saved me at that time and became a guide in that new world. And you were very far in another state and possible in a trip. I found your phone number and called you up. I was so glad to hear your voice that I didn’t notice that you were confused. My wish to see you was very clear to my new parents at first, but then after a long time it was rather strange. They were surprised because they thought I forgot about you. As they had no reasons to refuse me they invited you to our place. Everything became much more serious when you said that you couldn’t come and I ran away from our home. I was found at the airport. My father decided that it was impossible for teenager to run after a grown-up man and locked me in the house. When you knew about it you called and said that you wanted to visit me. But my parents were careful because I revealed my feeling crying loudly in the airport that I wanted to go to you. My father said some official phases to you on the phone and made you to understand that you wouldn’t be a desired guest in our house and you shouldn’t come. I didn’t want to adopt it and escaped again. I decided to overcome the distance between us using passing transport.
I appeared at the door of your house at the end of the second day. I didn’t know about any danger that could meet the young girl during such a trip and I had been sleeping the whole night on the seat in a car of an old driver, who had many children and grandchildren. So I had got to your town quite all right. I knew your address by heart. I recognized the door and pushed the bell. The door opened and I pressed myself to you. It had happened so quickly and still I could notice your confusion, but it didn’t stop me. In spite of the past years you were still dear and I hoped very much that my feelings were not only the result of my love to you. I seemed to me that you had been waiting for me though you were not ready. Your hands embraced me, and you didn’t think about the advisability of your actions and trusted your impulse, and you realized that your world, broken when Ii was taken away from your life, restored. Your sufferings and pain disappeared and your soul became quiet and entire. So we had been standing for some time and I would never leave you and knitted with you, but you first came to yourself and step aside. I was offended but asked you not to phone anywhere. I didn’t want to understand that they would find me by all means. You were with me at that moment and that was all what I wanted. You agreed with me and didn’t phone. You knew that you would have problems, but couldn’t betray me once more.
We had been sitting in the kitchen the whole night and drinking tea. Though I wanted some juice I drank tea with pleasure. And you had very tasty chocolates. It was warm and I remembered my father when he came in winter and brought a box with orient sweets from neighbor grocer’s shop, and we drank tea by the fireplace. There was a table with carving and an old service on it and my mother was sitting in an armchair covered by light white shawl. She was like a Snow Queen, because she was pale and I realized later that it was because of her illness. You were a tie, a connection with my memory. You were so real and I felt my connection with the world that had disappeared long ago. That was why I wanted to be with you so much. And at the same time I felt that I loved you notwithstanding the past. Sometimes I began to doubt that everything was happening with me but even then my feelings didn’t change. And at last you were with me. I was looking at you and there wasn’t anybody in the whole world as perfect as you were. Your fingers were holding the glass, you were a little nervous, but your eyes were calm. May be you decided to let it be so as it was and you enjoyed the communication with the person who was presented to you by the sea. Of course if to be more mystic – it was a fog, which covered my mysterious appearing in your waters. And never the less it was the sea, because its waves led the ship with me on the board to your submarine. I wanted the night not to come to the end, I wanted it to last and last forever, but I felt that my eyes were closing, your voice became more silent and you were disappearing. I made some efforts not to close my eyes, but my eyelids were so heavy that I couldn’t open them and only felt that your hands held me and put me on something soft and covered by something warm.
- Good night! – Your voice was very far a touch of your hand was very light and I fell asleep very happy.
In that case my parents knew where they could find me and there was a “war” in the morning. At first they had to tear me of your shirt, it was going to pieces and then off the door of you house as I caught it. You didn’t help me; your hands were hanging helplessly.
- Please, let me leave with you! – I cried. – Because I love you!
I didn’t stop and the scene was happening in the presence of your authorities. My parents had come with them. They didn’t trust you, because you didn’t call them and God knew what they thought about the night that we spent together. They insisted on punishing you and depriving your rank. But you chief knew you as a very positive person and only regretted about that situation.
I was brought home. I couldn’t understand why everything was so complicated and I couldn’t be with you, because it was you who had found me. I hated my parents, they were an obstacle on the way to my happiness, I hated the whole world because it didn’t give me what I wanted most of all I had been crying during the whole week, I became unsociable, I was only in my dream where I was with you. I painted all my dreams and what I dreamed in reality and that was you. I tried to escape, but could only call you, and heard a woman’s voice that told me that you were in raid. There was one more rebellion in my soul and I realized that it was a jealousy. I didn’t know who was she, maybe she was only a housekeeper, but when I became quieter I began to think about your life and realized that I didn’t know anything about it. To my great despair I understood that you didn’t call me and that meant you didn’t need me. That thought like a poison spoiled my soul and I gave up and became indifferent. May be I would revive again but we had got a letter that you died. I didn’t believe at first I thought that my parents deceived me, but they showed a letter and an article. It was told in it that you submarine had drowned. Nobody saved and in spite of the fact that your body wasn’t found you were decided to be lost. There wasn’t any chance for you to be alive.
Fourteen years had passed. I didn’t ever want to return to my motherland, I hardly remembered it. Whether it existed or not. My motherland was the USA. I loved that flag with stars and stripes, those great cities with green parks and small towns in open space, roads passing through valleys, and running among Cordilleras, Great Lakes, and a Statue of Liberty with burning fire. Everything in the country was prosperous and a genius of human mind, as I thought. I was married but noticed sometimes that I look at my husband as a strange, and I felt some emptiness inside me. It was so from the moment when I had lost you. I had lost the aim of life and the world of my dream but still I existed and I didn’t know that nobody would take your place in my heart. I was indifferent and cold to everything around me and I wanted to die. I suddenly realized that I would never be happy because I still loved you. And it was only oblivion that supported me during those years. It covered my mind like a mist. I didn’t understand myself and that helped me to survive in the world without you. I was walking along the park I heard songs of birds but did they were not bright. The high blue sky over me didn’t impress me though in other days it inspired me greatly. Suddenly it reminded your blue eyes – the world that I possessed for some time and then lost. My life seemed to me to be a way nowhere. My hope that something would be and you would exist in my life, had been disappearing from year to year, and at last it died. I was in despair. My hope had gone and I had lost my wish to live.
I passed the park, crossed the street, entered the house, where I lent an apartment, I went upstairs and closed my door, leaving alone with my thoughts. I fell on the bed, I wanted to sleep and never wake up. There was a knock at the door. The world didn’t give me the opportunity to sleep forever. I didn’t move. An envelope was placed under the door I didn’t move again and had slept up to the morning. I had a dream that the envelope was flying in the air. It was so white I woke up. The envelope was on the same place. I again heard a knock at the door, I decided not open but in the window I saw a pigeon, it knocked at the glass. I groaned and something made me go to the door. I took the letter and opened the door. There was nobody. I looked out into the hall, there I saw you. You were standing, looking back at the open door, your hair was white. It was difficult for me to walk, my feet were weak, and I would fall if you didn’t catch me.
Are you… are you alive?! - I could only say.
Your eyes became wet but you caressed me closely. We came into the room. Your lips, your eyes, your heart, how could I live without you? I got up among the night. You were with me it was a wonder. On the table there was a letter and I recognized your handwriting in the light of the night lamp. Trying not to make any noise I opened the envelope and took out a list of paper.
“Dear Catty! I don’t know how to begin my letter. From that very moment when you appeared in my life I wanted you to be with me. But I couldn’t say about it. When I was in captivity I remained alive only because you were in that world. I admitted that you were not alone; I only wanted you to know that you were the dearest and the most important person in my life. When I set free I came to your parents they said that you were married but didn’t live with your husband. Catty, if you can forgive me, if you need me, I want to be with you, because I love you.”