Soap.
Story.
A sense of proportion is not typical of many Russian men,
especially when it comes to alcohol ...
Ignatius P. Ryzalko, a man of small stature and wizened figure, a man of modest and inoffensive. At least, this is nothing wrong with a man forty-five years of his life for humanity did not, unless you consider the huge number of damaged nerves sovey relatives. But here, it is really, but people close to him nerves Ignatius P., could, they say pulling with some sophisticated coolness. And the best part, he did not see it ...
- I'm talking Ignat all women are fools! Fools, one word chicken! - Simon hissed, driving a large nail into a log. - Here you tell me, you are building this bath, and on what, or rather why? - Hammer thrashed on a rusty nail.
Ignatius P. smiled and shrugged.
- I do not know. Well, bathe, relax in the bath, then ...
- An, no, relax, what would appease them, she'll need is a bath-house for you!
Ignatius Petrovich looked at with a smile and handed him the seeds of the next nail. He deftly snatched it and attach to a long body log:
- No, Ignat, wash it well, how many times are you going? - Hammer again banged on the cap. - One, two over the summer? Well, three and all!
Sweaty hand on his shoulder Ignatius Petrovich. He supported the seeds elbow.
- Bennie, you're my brother, how many times to me you come to the country - so many times and we will bathe in the bathhouse! Well build for yourself!
- Ugh, for myself! Yes, I'll tell you, for you are building their women! Here she is showing off in front of my! - Simon nodded toward the house. - And he says! More precisely, what keeps you in check that's the whole room!
Simon jumped to the floor and put the hammer. Ignatius Petrovich looked at his brother, winked:
- And I do not care, and that there she cackles, for myself, I get a bathhouse, and let?
Ignatius P. nodded on a shelf, hanging in the corner.
- A human, do you have here? - Simon said happily.
- Of course, the insult! Well I waited, hidden on a rainy day, and then who knows what? - Ignat climbed into the hole in the wall.
Taking out a bottle of alcohol, gently put it on the floor.
- Let there for a glass door!
Semen stealthily took a glass. Alcohol filled faceted plane.
- Well, for a meeting! - Ignatius breathed Petrovich.
Simon eagerly looked at his brother and also drank. His face writhed voltage and red. His lips formed a funny bow
- How are you without a snack? - Simon panted.
Ignatius P. smugly patted his stomach and said,
- Well, I'm sorry! Zakus back home, will have to stock up!
Simon rubbed his lips and threw. His tanned body again jerked of the dose of alcohol. Ignatius P. again carefully hid the bottle in the hole behind a shelf.
- Hey! Ignat, you know that there were quiet? - Sounded from the street commanding voice of his wife Ignatius Petrovich.
Fat woman looked into a little window dressing room, like a guard in a prison cell.
- Why, try on, where else prisobachit shelves! - Shouted to her Ignatius Petrovich.
- Well, that's enough! Let's have dinner! - Woman disappeared from a muddy little window like a sudden vision.
Guys are pleased that their secret use of alcohol was seen, reached for the door. Bottle, like family heirlooms, carefully removed the back of the hole for the shelf.
- In time, we, well, as if she had a nose! - Ignatius whispered Semyon Petrovich.
He hesitantly took to the streets, squinting against the sun. In the yard smelled fresh vegetables and prepare dinner. Smoke drifted from the summer on a small stove garden. Women bustled around a table covered with colored cloth. Big and tall Margarita Stepanovna wife Ignat, and thin and low Svetlana, legal wife Seeds.
- Wash your hands, there is water in the sink! - Imperiously ordered Margarita Stepanovna.
Brothers obeyed the order mistress and trudged to the edge of the house, where the fun Pear washbasin. Simon stripped to the waist, revealing the blue tattoos on his back and chest. Elaborate castle, knights and swords blue spots moving on his tanned body. Ignatius Petrovich glanced at the prison painting and winced. He imagined how much time pinned the pictures and how much ink has been a downtrodden brothers under the skin.
Simon, splashing and humming, oblevalsya cold water from a tank.
- Ah, well, well! - He patted his tanned body. - Ignat, you see it is how you as a slave! At-a-x, well! - Cold spray flying. - And you're right it can, but of course you do because different weight categories so to speak!
Ignatius P. idly waited brother finished water treatment. But he like a walrus, splashing, waving his arms like flippers, and took the time to break away from the water treatment.
Glancing at his wife, Ignat said quietly seed:
- You know Bennie is on the people she is, and the house is quiet, and I do not know why her? Why raise it? And so good!
- Fool, you! Ignat! - Drying himself, threw his brother - Baba and people should listen to man, and then started to yell out at you! My, what you look? Goat! Gentle, quiet, modest! - Simon nodded at Svetlana Vasilyevna.
- So of course, you won, what a badass! And she? Small! I suppose, she was drunk sadanesh between the eyes, and she is a trained!
At the table, Simon broke the prince at a party. With one hand he held his Svetlana, another brother. Margarita Stepanovna sat across from them, taking their lush body a good half of the table. Semen drunk after the second stack. Effect not taken into account the dose of alcohol adopted by them in secret with his brother in the bath. The smiling face of seeds of light complacency:
- I'm here, what you say is the main point is missed. See what's going on in the country? The main thing now, what would a strong hand! And then out of hand, you know!
Ignatius P. smiled and pour a glass of vodka said:
- You Bennie about politics, then he's probably a little familiar? Where are you know something? Therefore, you do not mess with her! Out to people that it is doing something? If you say you need a strong hand, so then she'll hand this strong and strangled for chatter while drinking! Let's drink some more!
- Uh-uh! No, I never do not say stupid things, even drunk! I always know the measure, as it were old leaven!
Margarita Stepanovna stared contemptuously at the men. Her lush body jerked when a hand reached for the stack:
- Uh-uh! Chatterboxes! You just chat, then you can, better shut up! Out of the sea, no, all talking about?! And you? - She nodded to Ignat. - You're what, there's a bath for the second year to build! Still can not build you can! That one Druganov here get drunk, then that's bro!
- For the second year, the second year ... and I can slowly, fuss-it can not tolerate such a thing! And now, almost ready-sauna is tomorrow protopit try! - Ignatius P. justified.
- Tomorrow, you are now promised? - Margarita Stepanovna not appeased. - Tomorrow again you do not shit you can not, you will get sick after today!
Ignatius P. scowled and poured more vodka, and poured only in his glass.
Seeing this, the wife of shamed him:
- Uh-uh, that all just started to splash yourself? Hospitality was over? ..
- Yes, you shut up, all bald peasant eaten! - Interceded for drunken brother Simon.
- And you did not go! Vaughn, mug is red! I suppose, somewhere Ignatko poured you, you, you weak! Defrost you, nothing to do, not what my bucket that though, it's not for nothing!
- There is nothing I do not weak! Well, Ignat splash me yet, I'll show you yours, that I can drink! - Demanded insulted Simon.
His hand gently tugged Svetlana. She smiled and said slowly:
- Enough Sen! The measure has already passed yours, wait a bit.
- Nothing is enough! Pour Ignat! - Enraged Simon.
Ignat drank his glass and bit his salad, said cheerfully:
- And no, there is no more, unless of course it is not hid! - He nodded at her.
Margarita Stepanovna shook his head reproachfully, and left the table. Its massive body was hidden in the house porch. At the table silently watched her magical effect it will do to remove the bottles hidden away. Like a magician, knows where she got a glass cylinder and returned to the table:
- This is the last, no more, though requests!
- And more and we do not! - Fun Ignatius said Petrovich. - We are not alcoholics Well, what! - And winked at his brother.
He took the hint of a hidden stash in the bath and supported Ignatius:
- Yes, now that's a drink and let's go, let's bathhouse as it burns.
Drinking bottle lasted another half hour. Pesky flies and then attacked the food, sitting on the salad, bread and canned goods. Ignat wanted to hit a couple of times on insects palm, but he restrained himself, afraid to miss. Semen slightly subsided. With the increase in the percentage of alcohol in the blood, it has decreased and life activity. And tone down so that his eyes began to close. After drinking the last pile, languid Ignat, satisfied, stroking her stomach and smiled at his brother, he was quite drunk, and his head bent low, nodding:
- Well, Sen, you are ready to sample the bathhouse?
- E-uh, yeah ready with you to the end of the world, at least for a feat! - He mumbled.
His wife, Svetlana, cautiously looking at the state of the seeds, said timidly:
- Can not have a, look, he could barely move, Ignat him sleep right.
Simon, winced when he heard the voice of his wife and banging his fist on the table and shouted:
- Tsyt! Woman, when guys go at it, do not stick your your nose!
- But, but, razbushlatilsya! Look at that! Eagle home spillage! - Besieged brother-Margarita Stepanovna. - And, indeed,'d better go to bed, and then the curves is as Turkish scimitars!
Ignat but it did not listen, he stood up and walked to the barn. Simon also made an attempt to break away from the table, but the feeble, like cotton legs buckled and the man collapsed in the face of a plate of salad:
- Ay-ay! - Svetlana screamed.
Part spray mayonnaise sauce hit her on her dress, leaving grease stains. Woman helped Simeon rise:
- Bennie, well, where you look at yourself? Ignat something more sober, and you? Come on, come lie down on the sofa - white with lettuce wiping her husband's face, kept saying my wife.
He brushed off stubborn woman. Margarita Stepanovna Despite this view, shook her head:
- Oh, let him sober up a bit, still can not calm down!
- Easy to say was sobering, as you now sobered him Rita?
- It is very simple, look! - Margaret M. deftly grabbed the collar of his brother-in and dragged him to the corner of the house.
There was a large iron barrel to collect rainwater.
- Oh, Rita, can not? Oh, be careful! - Due next running Svetlana.
- Do not be afraid! Now we are out of it Ihtiandra do we! - Imperiously waved away Margarita Stepanovna.
Semen as doomed rearranged his feet. His head was clamped collar, so to speak, something separate member, he could not, and only mumbled:
- E-uh, do not ihhhtiandddraa I lyublyuyuyu no water!
- Nonsense! We are all out of the water, as scientists say out - as if the executioner during the execution of the sentence replied Margarita Stepanovna.
Simon put his hands on the edge of a rusty barrel. But strong hands Margarita Stepanovna lifted it. Center of gravity has shifted to the head and Simon dived into the dark green water.
- A-a-n-n! It's cold! And-and-and-p-n, enough! - He grabbed the air between dives.
- No! Well, well, swim, so no rain water lapped hlorochkoy! - As if mocking, sentenced Margaret S., brother-dipping into a barrel.
- Rita see that you do not choke, Rita, Rita! - Murmured beside Svetlana, now and then, raising his hands to the face.
After the tenth lower carcass seeds in muddy water Margarita S. panting, threw it on the grass. Her big plump chest heaving like dough under the cloth coat.
- Well, that water treatments are finished! - She said with satisfaction.
Semen like laundry, sitting on the wet grass and also breathing heavily. In his eyes, after a drunken indifference appeared sober fear and surprise:
- Well, Ritka, well impostor. Ezdi to you to the cottage look drown ...
Near bustling Svetlana, she wiped her husband face the hem of her dress and says:
- Bennie, Semyon, well, my dear, is not it easier to you? You do easier?
Pleased Margarita Ivanovna, in spite of the top couple of relatives, majestically uttered:
- Bathing the Red Horse, Petrov-Vodkin! Ha! Ha!
- Hey, athletes! - Sounded far away, the voice of Ignatius.
He stood on the threshold of the bath-house and was holding an armful of firewood. Curves pine logs sticking out in all directions. Ignat solemnly smiled and turned to the door, trying to lift his foot waiting room. But he did not succeed. Wood fell to his feet.
- Oh, and his mother, that's bestiality! - Ignatius zablazhil Petrovich.
- Uh-uh! Come on, let's you still hoof itself is broken! - Shouted Margarita Stepanovna. - But mind you! I love you on the train is not languishing! Just going to lie here! - Severely overweight woman at her husband.
Ignatius Petrovich began to collect the scattered wood. Simon, seeing vanity brother pushed Svetlana Vasilyevna and walked to his aid. His gait after water treatment was more confident.
- You are what is going to heat with wood? A? The same raw deadwood, he will undertake. Especially in the new stove is not known, as there is a chimney, it was necessary to take the normal small wood! - Instructed her husband Margarita Stepanovna.
Her loud commanding voice resounded garden. With standing alone scarecrow crow flew frightened cry.
Margarita Stepanovna spat and looked at Svetlana Vasilyevna called:
- Lights! Let's go, well, to hell, let's go to the house lie down after lunch ...
Simon helped to collect firewood, and opened the door banks. Ignat sbrosal curves of wood near a neat little stove. Her new shiny stainless steel on the sides like begged him not to spoil her with soot. Ignatius P. opened furnace.
- Now try as fired ...
- Ignat, and logs can really something, some kind of raw, chips can planed? - Questioned Simon.
- No, it's okay if the stove is good, pull! If good, then such will take! Give me better there a newspaper piece - Ignat dismissed from his brother.
Puny and listless light flame clung to the sides of logs and did not want to inflame. Ignat, kneeling, fervently blew into the ash-pit. His face was red from the strain.
- Well, you see, do not fuck off I told raw - whined to hand Simon.
Ignat dunuv a couple more times, raised a pile of burnt paper. Realizing that the idea did not start the fire out, he got up from his knees and scratched his head:
- His mother! Contagion, Come lacked alcohol vmazhem now and think about how to melt!
Simon dutifully climbed into the hole for a shelf. Pulled out a bottle and poured into a glass. Ignat, and drank a dose zanyuhav sleeve, poured alcohol on the remains of the smoldering embers. A burst of flame and the flame lick logs.
- That's it! That's the way! Che had something did not occur? - Satisfaction said Ignat.
But the joy was not long. Flaring flame was soon extinguished. Ignat disappointedly looked at the smoking wood and said quietly:
- Stimulus and see firewood needed, not what people, even firewood - and he pointed to the bottle.
- And come again? - Simon eagerly grabbed a glass bubble.
- Ladies, are you? Gone crazy? For fuel alcohol harass! Her! - Besieged his brother.
- A human to do? And in the bath is not mud, a chimney, then stretch it!
Ignat again scratched his head. Simon looked inquiringly at him and waited for the idea to be born.
- In! I know that I have there in the barn, from chainsaws petrol left in the bottle, just in case, and now we it with gasoline, then it we quickly melted! - Exclaimed pleased with his idea Ignat. - Sit and wait! I am now!
He slammed the seeds on the shoulder and went to the barn. Simon looked doubtfully at the glass and bottle, but still poured a little bit of alcohol:
- Just a little bit I'm sober - he reassured himself.
Ignat returned a few minutes later with a large green bottle. Uncorked, he carefully poured petrol into the furnace.
- Look out! Flash, darkened face! - Warned his seed.
- Do not worry, everything went out, where his mother, a match?
Ignat, fumbling on a shelf, got dirty boxes. Taking out a match, he looked at his brother:
- Well, Bennie, now would be beating in close stove Lazo! Ha, ha! - Crippled by the blasphemous words of popular songs Ignat.
Burning match glowed faintly in his hand. Ignat carefully covered it with his hand, not letting die out. When the light grew stronger, threw a match into the womb of the stove.
There was a deafening explosion. Stove blew holders and thrown to the little window. Flame, pulled out of the furnace, burning wave spread to the shelves.
In the corner, wildly shouted Simon. His thrown back by the blast. Sam Ignat left the dressing room, has hit his head on the wall. Collapsed cabinet fell basins.
- And-and-and, and-ah! We burn! - Simon yelled and crawling around on the floor.
Ignat in horror crept outside. But even there, he saw no less terrible picture. On him like a fire truck rushing carcass wife. Distraught Margarita Stepanovna mouth opened and published menacing roar
- Oo-oo-oo! Pail, bucket, grab! At-at bucket grab bastard!
Ran after her frail Svetlana. She squeaked in panic like a wasp:
- And-and-and! Bennie, Bennie my sgoriiiit!
Ignat dodged their feet and jumped up ran to help. Simon crawled out of steam steaming on all fours. He was short of breath like a fish and muttered:
- Well, his mother, well, his mother! As in combat, as in the battle, with Hiroshima Nagosakoy!
Margarita Petrovna and Svetlana pulled out of the barrel water buckets. Ignat fire knocked down with a cloth. Simon, picking buckets from hand women splashed them on fire. But the stew was uncomfortable. Close steam room did not give good quench fire.
Ten minutes later, all tired and grimy sitting on the porch of charred bath. Margarita Petrovna wiping, dirty forehead cloth slapped Ignat fruity cuff.
- At-at protopit bathhouse, protopit beast?!
He squirmed guiltily, rubbing the point of impact.
- And what? I wanted to do better! - Tried to justify Ignat.
- At-at better! How to give more to your stupid head, who are in the oven, then pour gasoline? Couples because idiot! - And she waved back at him.
Ignat cautiously backed away from his wife. Simon, looking at his brother, and he rose up in front, put his hands on her hips:
- And what? Let's at least have a drink for the rescue, Ritka there have you got?
Then suddenly fell Svetlana. She threw herself at her husband as Bull Terrier on the opponent:
- I'll give you a drink, I'll give you a drink! Bastard another, nearly burned to death! - She screamed, clutching her husband's hand in her hair.
- A-ah-ah! - He yelled. - She asks you what exactly?! Ah-ah-ah!
Ignat laughed. Margarita Petrovna looked at mate, relatives said loudly:
- Well, tsyt! Enough, then staged a massacre? Kill a man, it is something to do with!
Svetlana let go of her husband and looked at Ignatius:
- Yeah, well, they are all to do with, goats! Sometimes it is useful to pull a couple of scraps!
- Yeah, pull out, so until retirement at all going bald! - Simon hurt snapped and went to the house.
Ignat squinted at the sky. Margarita Petrovna sly glance at her husband's face and pushed him in the ribs:
- All right, so be it, I'll give you a drink, yet I could not sleep a bath until the end, but one condition, sleep in it and wake up!
- Why not? - Surprised Ignat
- Snoring both drunk, and we came here to relax with light, and not your roulades listen!
Svetlana wanted to protest, but Margarita Petrovna waved her hand:
- Light, they still mange will drive us all, so let drink there in the bath!
Ignat happy tried to hug his wife for her powerful waist, but she waved him away and slapped him with a rag on his hands:
- Good feelings show, as if you miss for me! Because of bottles grateful!
Ignat made a face at his wife contented and sang:
- Protopit you I bathhouse mistress! ... I've lost the habit of white light! ... In the swamp, near the corner of his ... .....
It was a beautiful August evening. As the sun was cold, but the freshness was pleasant. In the distance could be heard the sound of music in the neighboring country house of someone playing the recorder. Birds chirping in the darkness languidly trees, sensing nightfall. Every moment was getting darker and darker. Mosquitoes with Assertive squeak climbed into his mouth and eyes. Ignat waving, spit. They were sitting on the porch with Semyon bathhouse and expanding next snack, drink vyproshennuyu Margarita Petrovna bottle.
- You see Senya, fire and there is a good judge! So would Ritka not give us a bottle!
That drunk again, agreeing, shook his head:
- Yes, except that I was very scared when I thought all stampeded over!
- No, fear not! If you die in bed, you die in bed! If destined that brick falls on his head, as if sharahnet! And not much of it does not get the fate! - Stubborn fighting off mosquitoes, philosophized Ignat.
- And if you are destined to burn in the bath? Then what? How did I know that I was not destined to burn in the bath? - Stumped Ignat Simon.
He shrugged and said nothing. Bold mosquito bites contrived Ignat forehead. Man slammed in the face:
- Yes, what would their mother, can go in the bathhouse, there are all these creatures smaller, and then zakusayut?
- Let's just there is dark and light, that may be, I am afraid of the explosion!
- Okay, I'll look at the glass. Edges see. I have eyes like an owl in the dark can see everything perfectly.
Moved to the dressing room. There was even more convenient. But that had to pour, raising a glass to the window, darkness was complete. Snacks could not see, so put in your mouth, taking the touch.
- Ignat, you could cut the fat!
Ignat found the piece of bacon and began to chip it in small slices. He knew how to do it. But now he felt that he had lost skill. Knife and then broke, and the pieces were produced thick:
- Something is a fat-hard! I like it myself salted!
- Yes nonsense, it's not food, it is a snack. Let's pour out!
Soon ended vyproshennaya Margarita Stepanovna bottle and proceeded to cast away the alcohol. It is not strange in a fire bottle did not break, and the departures under the shelves and left there. Its not noticeable Ignat hid from his wife. Now stroking glassware he pleased, said:
- You see, too, the fate it was to us to have a drink - he said drunkenly. - Drink, drink home and have a drink, and in fact could be broken, but God gave us the opportunity to drink it, - he muttered.
But Simon did not hear him. He leaned back, snoring in his chair.
- Bennie, sleeping? Weak you!
Ignat and poured himself a drink. The alcohol burned his throat. Ignat felt quite drunk. Reaching for a snack, found a piece of bacon and put it in her mouth.
- Something a fat fresh, what the hell - Ignat muttered, chewing a piece. - Like he salted and pepper, all in norm, hell, probably alcohol taste interrupt!
Ten minutes later, completely in the dark, he poured himself the last pile. Ignatius saw it, did not remember, because immediately fell to the floor and went to sleep ...
He woke up from the loud screams. Somewhere in the garden by Blessed Margaret Stepanovna. Her resonant voice echoed in his head hurt. Ignat grimaced and stood up from the floor. He saw that slept until morning right on the bare boards. Bright sunlight came through the small window, oddly refracted through the dusty glass. Seeds in the bath was not. Ignat stood up and reached out and opened the door. Freshness of air rushed into the nostrils. Ignat closed his eyes and breathed deeply. Margarita Petrovna saw emerging from the bath-house of her husband, a wail with a vengeance:
- Here, there was! The Appearance of Christ to the people! Drunk!
Ignat yawned and understood. What is very thirsty. His mouth was dry. On the lips remained a nasty aftertaste. Ignat turned to his wife and shouted:
- What are you yelling early in the morning? What are you yelling?
- Yes, you and all drunk! That scream at you? Sam-burn, to hell with you! Here you are other people the damage.
- You're talking about what, what you talking about? At-at started up! Semyon where? Bro, what I expect from you fled, seized in the morning, then?!
Margarita Petrovna stood up to his full height. Her face was not strange, despite the abuse, it was not malicious. On the contrary, his wife was smiling
- Where, where? Where and had to be! In your toilet bro pukes and stuff! Sitting for an hour, do not know how to go to the city now, suddenly on the road, right in the train obosretsya!
Ignatius surprised. He looked at the wooden toilet standing alone. Because of the gray planks unpretentious building heard a strange rumbling and yelping Seeds. As it can be understood that the brother release its bowels.
- What is it so can travanulsya what?
- What is it so? - Mocked her husband Margarita Petrovna. - A vodka, but less alcohol eat it! What to watch than a snack!
- And what are we ate! You're cooking? - Surprised Ignat.
- And you, go and look at what you ate in the dark? As managed-something?
Nothing uncomprehending Ignat, returned to the bath. Already inside he heard a strange hint of his wife:
- Ignat, and you have something of the foam out of your ass and nose will not go? Ha ... ha ... - heard her laughter.
Ignat looked at their table yesterday and was stunned. Scattered among the tomatoes, cucumbers and sliced radishes lying piece of soap. Neat brown brick, or rather what remains of it. Soap was cut into thin flat pieces, many otkusany and they were teeth marks.
- My God! That is thumped! - Ignat realized with horror that yesterday's fresh and not tasty bacon, was nothing like an ordinary piece of soap, which he confused.
That's why fat is so bad cut in the dark. But not even that most impressed Ignat. Struck him how much they ate and Semyon this muck. From the huge bar is a few plastics!
At this point, a sharp spasm said in his gut, somewhere inside and grown rougher rezanulo. Ignat bullet popped out of the bath. But when he ran to the toilet, after it was heard the cry of his wife:
- Take your time, hubby, there taken! Watch Semyon is not over and I do not try to shit on the beds!
- I tell you, Ignat, women are fools! And all! That's what you think by chance we'll devour this soap? No, not by accident! They have thrown us specifically, what would you and I are so tormented that would drink thrown ...
- Her Simon, her! Even if they did it on purpose, then hurt yourself! How You and I are already sitting? Two trains pass! So who suffers? And drink we will not quit! She Simon, nothing you to them!
Ignat and Simon sat in a long and smelly room railway station toilet. Behind the wall came crashing to Pirone driving up the train. In the wooden door knocking insistently. Came the angry voice of Margarita Petrovna
- Ignat! Semen! You bastards! The third train goes! So sit brutes myloedy fucking!
April 2004.