letter, 16
i,m OK i,m home .... so stop worrying .. i kept telling Erik to write but he,s so upset and emotional ... they say i,m gravaly ill ... maybe maybe not they say i should have 2 transplants... liver and kidney ... maybe so ... i just cannot believe i,ll die with such a whimper ... i must kill myself ... i cannot be such an invalid ... it,s the only proud thing to do ... but not now !! ... i must live ... i was thinking with all those tubes and needls in me i reflect on my mortality and my childhood ... i wonder how i got to this place ... it was a very lonely and violent childhood ... i was loved and my dad was unknown ... when i,d go up north to be with my mom it was the worst ... my stepfather would beat her and us kids ... me and sister ... still laff when we talk of his death ... we hated him ... my mom never ever met my teacher or ever went to my school when i was in the early grades ...not even on parent,s day ... i wouldn,t even dare mention it to her ... sometimes our teacher would tell us to watch a certain show on TV like a speach by president ... no way .. or if it was your birthday it was customary to bring treats for the whole class ... like cupcakes ...cookies etc... i,d rather skip school than even mention it to mom... i was always the worst dressed kid ... so was the sister .. it was even more important for her .. she was a girl ... in school .. out of school ... on the bus ... on the train ... she just said f ... school ... and she went to prison .... i couldn,t see ... and kept hanging on ... i..was considered retarted .. i took speech lessons after school .... ( mom didn,t know because i didn,t have ever be home at any time ... ) ... then i got glasses !!! ... i was suddenly the smartest in the world ... HA !... by then i was with my real dad ... he was a mess too .. but i learned to preserve .. to work .. maybe to keep busy and keep my mind off my family life ... i was in athletics in school ... and i would spend many hours practicing and playing ..in the band ... i worked at drive in theatre and weekends i worked at the iron works too ... in the summer i worked both jobs every day ... i always got by on my brains ... i,m not a great thinker but i was blessed and cursed with my brain ... it,s funny because Karen is the vice president of University .. and i have been always involved with brainy jobs ... but in fact my sister is much smarter than all of us and she didn,t even go to school !! HA!! ... but now my point is this ... i,ve been all over .. done so many things ... and now i must reflect on my life .. and i think it is this ...in war or otherwise it,s almost impossible to actually kill someone... bomber pilots have no problems .. artillery men can fire with ease... but an infantry man has a hard time pulling the trigger when he can look in the face of his enemy ..