How Magic, Tajik and Logic got together with Mata Hari.
A very short and absurd play.
ACT 1.
Magic is walking along the road, looking sad. Tajik is walking along the same road towards her. They meet and start talking.
Tajik. Hullo, what’s your name?
Magic. Ma-geek.
Tajik. Ma-geek? Lovely name. What does it mean?
Magic. It means I am a geek. Because it’s me, it’s called ma-geek.
Tajik. What is it used for?
Magic. For freaks. Have you heard of geeks and freaks?
Tajik. No. But I believe you. Actually, I suspect you mispronounce it. It’s magic, madgic, not ma-geek. Nice to meet you Magic. My name is Tajik.
Magic. Hi.
Tajik. You see, our names sound similar. I’m a Tajik, and you are Ma-gic.
Magic. I’m not a mujik, I’m Magic.
Tajik. Yeah-yeah. I mean your jik is called magic and my gic is called Tajik. Why? It’s my jik, so what sense does it make to call it tajik?
Magic. What is this gic thing anyway?
Tajik. This is what we are trying to find. Once we’ll get a jik somewhere, we’ll have a good look at it. But listen, I’ve got another idea. If we put ma and ta together, we won’t be confused which one is which, and who does it belong to. Mata Jik. Sounds nice, doesn’t it?
Magic. I’ve never heard of Mata Jik. But there is Mata Hari. Here she is.
Mata Hari (very beautiful and smiling). Hullo, how are you?
Magic and Tajik, together. Good, yourself?
Mata Hari. Good, thank you. I’ve come to tell you an important information. There is a spy amongst you.
Magic and Tajik, together. A spy, really? Awful. What’s her name?
Mata Hari. Her name is Logic. Look here – see – she is perched on a tree over there. You must knock her down, guys, she is dangerous like this.
Magic and Tajik, together. Yeah, but how? How can we knock her down?
Mata Hari. You can throw something at her.
Tajik. We can put a few things on each other and reach the top branch where she is. Or, maybe, build something next to the tree – a house, or a temple. Then from the top of it we can reach the tree.
Magic. No, no. Let’s just shake the tree. If we shake hard enough, she is going to fall.
Mata Hari. (mumbling to herself). Did she really say this?
Magic comes close to the tree and starts shaking. Leaves and little twigs are falling off, but Logic is clinging to the branch, clutching it with her hands. Magic shakes harder. Logic lets go of the tree and falls down.
Logic. Ouch. It hurts. Why are you doing this?
Magic, Tajik and Mata Hari, together. You are a spy.
Logic. No. I’m not a spy. Please, don’t shake me anymore. It hurts.
Magic. Can you prove you are not a spy?
Logic. Prove it? Yes. Yes, of course. What do spies do? I suppose, they spy. I spy with my little eye something beginning with an I.
Mata Hari. See, you spy. You say so yourself.
Logic. It’s not this kind of spying. It’s spying in a different sense. It’s not spying at all. It’s just a game.
Magic and Tajik, together. Keep these sophisms for yourself. A spy is a spy. Spying is spying. You are spying. You said so yourself.
Logic. No. I was just quoting. Trying to remember what I know about spying. Look, this is all I know. I’ve got no idea what spies do. Please let me go.
Mata Hari. Do you promise not to spy?
Majik and Tajik, together. She’s got an eye, how can she not to spy?
Magic. Really, if you saw something, it can be as dangerous as a saw.
Tajik. – Not ‘you saw’, ‘you’ve seen’. It’s present perfect. Well, it’s present perfect in most cases, but I’m not sure when precisely. Sometimes it can be ‘you saw’. But it’s not dangerous at all.
Mata Hari. So, what’s the solution?
Logic. What solution? Please, don’t make it too strong.
Magic. Have mercy on her. Look, maybe we can use her in a positive way. We can use her when we all go looking for jik.
ACT 2.
Logic. – I’m not really a spy you see. I know who is a real spy. It’s Red Herring.
Magic and Tajik. – Red Herring, why?
Mata Hari. – Why Red Herring?
Logic. Firstly, it’s red. Isn’t it enough reason?
Mata Hari. No, be reasonable. Red herrings have something to do with a state system. They cannot be spies by definition.
Logic. Why? I can’t see it. Everybody else can, and they can’t. Aren’t they a kind of privileged part of our er… society? Well, I guess it shows they aren’t, because they can’t.
Magic. Can’t what?
Logic. Can’t be spies.
Majik and Tajik. You know very little. Red herrings don’t have to be statutory… no, what is it? Statistic… stately… Maybe, statuesque? Whatever it is, they don’t have to be any of this. Avoid stereotyping, for God’s sake. Red Herrings can originate on an individual level. In this case, maybe, they can be spies?
Mata Hari. I really feel I won’t know what they are before I see it. I’ve never encountered a single one, believe it or not.
Logic. I know where we can find one. See that big black wall over there. Come closer and you’ll see one hanging on a hook.
Magic and Tajik. A red herring, hanging on a hook? How can it be? Let’s see for ourselves.
Magic, Tajik, Logic and Mata Hari come closer and see a red herring hanging on a hook. They start talking to him.
Magic and Tajik. Who are you?
Red Herring. I’m a red herring, can’t you see it?
Mata Hari. Why on Earth are you red?
Red Herring. They painted me red.
Logic. Who are they?
Red Herring. Those people who hung me here.
Magic and Tajik. Why did they do it? Why did they paint you red? Why did they hang you?
Red Herring. They painted me red because they wanted. It something is yours, you can paint it any colour you want. They hung me by the neck for a crime, of course.
Magic and Tajik. This is terrible, what crime was it?
Red Herring. It was a crime of passion. I was a pirate, on a pirate ship.
Logic. Where was it? Was it White or Barents Sea? Herring, of course is a very foreign sounding word. Some people even think that all herring in a jar is simply not done – I mean, not ready to eat.
Red Herring. That’s why they hung me by the neck on the wall and painted red. To make me ready to eat and more digestible. But I must tell you, you are wrong about herring being a foreign sounding word. It can be called rolled mops, you know, and it’s nearly the same product.
Logic. Herring, you are a fish, aren’t you? How can you be hung by the neck? Do fish have necks?
Mata Hari. Generally they don’t, but if you need to hang one, they may as well do.
Logic. Is not having a neck counted as a disability, I wonder? Even if you are a fish?
Tajik. Nah, not if you are a fish.
Mata Hari. This can be confusing. There are some damn strange fishes out there. What about swordfish? Doesn’t it have a neck?
Logic. You can say it does, but it grows on the other side of the head.
Mata Hari. So you see, we have a precedent here. Fish can have necks, even if they grow in all the wrong directions. It means, by the way, that if a fish doesn’t have one, it’s a disability.
Tajik. All because of that damn swordfish?
Magic. Why not? Do you mind it if fishes will be obliged to have necks?
Logic. What about sawfish? Does it have a neck, if we need to hang one?
Mata Hari. Oh please, forget about necks, just for now. What crime did they hang you for, Red Herring? Were you really a spy?
Red Herring. No, of course, I wasn’t. I hate all kinds of paperwork and it’s totally against my inclinations and temperament. I was a pirate on a pirate ship, out there with my mates.
Logic. A noticeboard next to your head says you were a spy.
Red Herring. I can’t reach it, because I’m hung by the neck. But maybe you can correct the mistake?
Mata Hari. It’s engraved in the metal.
Logic. It was nice to have met you. We must go now. Who would believe that red herrings are such nice guys?
Magic, Tajik, Logic and Mata Hari say good bye to Red Herring and go away. Red Herring is left on the wall, hung by the neck.
ACT 3.
Logic. I think now it’s time to find out what that jik thing is. What do you think it could be?
Tajik. It’s something magical – because it’s in magic – and it’s also very clever – because it’s in logic.
Mata Hari. It’s something like a philosopher’s stone.
Magic. What’s a philosopher’s stone? Or is it the philosopher’s stone? Is there one or many?
Mata Hari. Originally there was one, but, of course, you can break it into many. It all depends on the pressure you apply. It was used widely in the Middle Ages, to turn all kinds of matter into gold.
Tajik. What does it look like? And where can it be found?
Mata Hari. What do you think it looks like? What turns all kinds of matter into gold?
Logic. If somebody asked me, I would say it is conformism.
Magic, Tajik and Mata Hari together. What? What the hell is this? What does it look like?
Logic. I am not sure what it looks like because I had a chance to see one only from a distance. As far as I could figure out, it’s a kind of stone. A semi-precious stone, beautiful, but non-transparent. Something like opal. It can appear to be any colour, depending on what side of it you turn up. It works like this. When you throw it at something, or better somebody, it turns it into dust or changes its shape. This is why it is called con- form – ism. The stone itself returns to the thrower full of gold.
Magic. What do you mean returns to the thrower? Does it go along the same line it has been thrown?
Logic. No, not quite like this. It’s not a boomerang, mind you.
Mata Hari. We need to organize an expedition and test some of these philosopher’s stones of yours in action. What do you mean, they return back full of gold? What are they, golden nuggets?
Logic. I don’t know. Some maybe nuggets with golden ore and some are just bottles or other containers which become filled with golden dust once you throw them.
Magic and Tajik. We’ll see.
In the next scene Magic, Tajik, Logic and Mata Hari find themselves on a green and pleasant street of a small Australian town.
Magic and Tajik. We can try it here. It’s pretty quiet.
Tajik. We can’t throw stones at people even as an experiment. Let’s find some animals or other inferior creatures to try it.
Logic. What animals?
Mata Hari. Any will do. Kangaroos. Or, maybe, possums. Or best of all, cats and dogs, because they are not protected by law and are threatening Australian wildlife themselves.
Logic. I can see a magpie over there on a tree.
Magic and Tajik. They can be quite aggressive, especially in spring. Let’s try it. Will any stone do?
Mata Hari. Yes, if you throw it in the right way.
Logic picks up a stone from the ground, aims carefully and throws it at the magpie. The magpie takes off and moves to another tree. The stone falls down on the ground. A minute later Magic, Tajik, Logic and Mata Hari can see the magpie to pick up the stone from the ground and fly away.
Magic. Let’s not throw anything at magpies anymore. They’ve got such big beaks. And it’s really difficult not to miss them, especially when they are out there in a tree.
Logic. Let’s start with somebody who’d be an easier target.
Tajik. Maybe a koala? They sleep all day. Won’t even see somebody is going to throw a stone at them. And it’s probably them or somebody like it who this technique was developed for.
Mata Hari. Good idea.
Magic. I can see a koala over there on top of a eucalyptus.
Tajik. They are so harmless and sleepy. I’m not sure I want to. Besides, they are protected by law.
Mata Hari. We’ll try, just once. Look, she is in a really good position up there on a branch, directly above us. If we throw a stone at her, it will fall down to us. It’s the law of gravitation.
Logic. OK. Let’s just do it.
Logic picks up a stone and throws it. The stone doesn’t quite reach the koala in a tree, but when it falls down, they all move their heads together to have a close look at it, and can see that the stone has turned pure gold.
Magic. Look, it’s turned golden, but the koala is where she was, safe and sound. How can this be?
Mata Hari to Tajik. It’s because you’ve had so much moral scruples about throwing it at this koala. Of course, Logic couldn’t help but miss her. The stone has turned golden anyway, to reward you.
Logic. I want to try it at somebody who I wouldn’t want to miss.
Mata Hari. Do you have any enemies? Who is it?
Logic. No. Of course, not. (after a short pause). Oh! I know who would be a good socially acceptable target for throwing stones.
Magic, Tajik and Mata Hari together. Who?
Logic. Molvanian terrorists.
Magic and Mata Hari. Excellent idea!
Tajik. Molvanian terrorists? Sounds vaguely familiar, but who are they? Where is Molvania?
Logic. Molvania is somewhere in Eastern Europe. It might be one of those states which are on the map one day and tomorrow they mightn’t be. It’s not necessarily funny for those involved, but for some people it is.
ACT IV.
A tank full of Molvanian terrorists is moving up the street. Magic, Tajik, Mata Hari and Logic are watching it from a pedestrian path.
Logic. Let’s try another kind of philosopher’s stones at them.
Magic. What kind?
Logic. I have a few philosopher’s stones here – let’s call them phi-stones, shall we? They look like bottles – or other plastic containers. When you throw one at somebody, if you aim really well and don’t miss them, this person becomes a liquid in a container. They just evaporate and then condense into a liquid inside the bottle.
Mata Hari. What can you do with the liquid? Can you pour it inside some other container?
Logic. Sure, anything. Or you can put it in the fridge and once it get settled, I beg your pardon, set, tip the ice out on a plate.
Tajik. Here comes a Molvanian tank. Let’s try it. One, two, three – throw.
Logic throws a plastic box and it gets one of the people in the tank. At this moment, a big brave-looking man touched by the container disappears. The container lands on the roof of the moving tank and fills up with a brownish green liquid.
Mata Hari. Look, we got one, but the other two are still sitting there, safe and sound. It looks like we need enough containers to liquidize them all, one for each person.
Tajik. Can we pour a couple of different persons in the same bottle, for economy sake?
Mata Hari. No, this is impossible.
Magic. Let’s try another, friendlier approach. Maybe, we can seduce some of them?
Tajik. Molvanian terrorists, you know, as far as I can imagine, are not necessarily love hungry throughout their life. Maybe they satisfied their love hunger in Molvania, if they ever had one, in the first place?
Magic. Let’s try, let’s try. It’s a question of honour. What do you think can attract them?
Tajik. I don’t know. What would you think?
Magic. I don’t know either, but if I was in their place, I would love to be poured in some attractive container.
Mata Hari. An attractive container like what?
Magic. An attractive container which has something to do with what they want.
Logic. What do you think they want? Money? Fame? Love?
Mata Hari. Let’s fill a bottle with some gold sand at the bottom and then fill the rest of it up with a Molvanian terrorist or two, in a few layers. It’s called sand art.
Logic fills a plastic bottle with some gold sand and throws it at the people in the tank.
Logic. Once one of them liquidizes in the bottle, it means they a married to a good member of the mainstream society.
The plastic bottle half-filled with gold sand touches one of the people in the tank, but nothing happens.
Magic. Oy, all the sand got spilled out in the air.
Logic. We need a cork or a lid. Or let’s just seal the bottle.
Mata Hari. How are they going to get inside, then?
Tajik. No, this is not going to work. It doesn’t look like they want to be seduced, at least, not by us.
Logic. There must be another way to contain them all in containers of the necessary shape.
Mata Hari. If we can’t seduce them, maybe, we can induce them to do something.
Logic. Do something like what?
Mata Hari. Like say something reasonable.
Logic. I know what to do. We’ll throw a phi-stone container at them, and it’ll take the shape of a speech bubble with words we want to hear. After all, all containers are made of bubbles. Or they used to be. One, two, three!
Logic throws a phi-stone at one of the Molvanian terrorists. A speech bubble which is exactly the same shape as the phi-stone appears at his mouth.
Molvanian terrorist. I would do anything to belong with you, kill and steal included.
Logic. Please don’t, this wouldn’t be good. There are other ways to be included. Promise you won’t.
CURTAIN.
Logic. Lift the curtain, I just remembered what jik means.
Magic. What?
Logic. It has something to do with thinking. Like in ‘cogito ergo sum’, or sort of.
Mata Hari and Tajik. Oh! This is great. Can we pull the curtain down now?
Magic. I know what to do. When you go out to bow to the public, tell them about it.
Logic (bows). Cogito.
Magic (bows). Cogito.
Mata Hari (bows). Cogito.
Tajik (bows). Cogito.
CURTAIN.