Celentano

 
                Celentano
                by Andrew Derevyansky
                Translated from Russian by Author

By sheer chance I bought a vinyl. Quite a rare disc – Celentano, 76-th year. Got through a friend, spent the devil lot of money. Music, how would I explain you more simply ... fantastic! There is little to say about the tone of the singer voice, a warm and home, there is little to say about the orchestration, and in general, what matters are not the melodies of his songs, which give sometimes creeps under the skin, and all together with ... Oh, where the words ... Well, you would understand me, if you have a chance to listen.


My wife noted this fact in her own way: finally, you have not just thrown money on the wind. She did not even say, as usual: you would better buy a car. At least for children. At least a toy.

I am never greedy when it comes to music. After all, it's for me. And if  not to  spend money on myself, for whom, then, to save dough?

I again called a friend – could you get another disc,  another year, of course, but if you can, again Celentano. My familiar people in turn responded: we’ll try, we’ll see what we can do, we’ll call back...

After a week I was holding a new disc – Celentano, 77-th year. For two days I had not taken it from the player - a great term, given that my collection consists of two hundreds of black, shiny, lovely sound sources made by various production companies. It is only in appearance, they seem to be just pieces of plastic. But if you knew what stays behind them ... Great Edison himself would be astonished!

In brief, I was brave enough to order a third disc. Why not to collect complete Celentano, moreover, that my spouse also likes him? I said, roll the whole reel out– 78-th, and so on.

78-th came after a month. My wife even ran away from work to listen to it.
79-th year gave me two, 80-th appeared in a week.

The next disc, I drew it out of the friend hands, not even bothering of unwrapping - I thought only about how to get to the player sooner.

At this time, Celentano gave us a surprise. He sang without the orchestra, just the with a guitar. Two songs he performed in Russian, one in Polish. My wife is a Polish translator, she was particularly pleased.

We fell asleep happy. We loved each other, loved our disobedient children, loved fucking number- thirteen- trolley-bus - the fastest transport to the house from the place of our after work meetings.

Why in the morning I decided to examine the label on a plate? I guess I just felt like Raja, from all the courtiers secretly launching his hands in forged metal boxes with pearls and sapphires.
On the label were the letters and numbers making a fool of me:  Copyright-1981.

I have not looked at the calendar, cause I was perfectly aware of my life date in this very morning - 9:35 AM, 11 Nov., 1980. A couple of minutes more or less according to my alarm clock inaccuracy.

Pearls and sapphires were a fake. My courtiers were thieves - they stole my gold, but instead poured me full handfuls of fused sand, in common parlance referred as a glass. And in addition they painted it in a not existing color, in order that I fully realized my own nothingness.

Yes, I happened to buy beer and milk with tomorrow's date on the plug. But first, one day - not a year, and secondly, those who sold me this bottle were quite strangers to me. They did not care a  penny when I drink it - today or tomorrow, or even, they'd make me a pleasure, if, I say, I drink this beer tomorrow. All the same, would it be Zhigulevskoe* beer rather than "Carlsberg", but today dated. Although in fact it was produced yesterday.

But to believe that my pals hoped I would listen to dear Celentano one year after purchase - so, sorry, it is Utopia. It is a complete blunder.

While wrapping the disc back in the same paper I thought: someone and I even guess who would now greatly regret about his new spatter-dock rubles. I am willing to pay, but always like to know for what.

I lifted my so called friend from the bed. I was particularly pleased to come to him, not enough sleep, no phone call! To my money, probably, drank yesterday.

Look at the disc carefully, I said to him, nothing to notice!?

Why, I cannot believe it is defective, he asked cautiously - it is clear who likes to return money?
Yes, defective, my dear, and I would be happy to push this defect into your insatiable throat, provided I was not in a rush to work! Give my fifty rubles back! Now!

Sinking, he clutched at straws, despite of his hangover with his last ounce he was ready to prove the fairness of the transaction.

Well, put it, put the disc on the player, listen to it, you like it, right? What are you talking about - the disc free from defects? Oh dear, what you say? Record even without clicks! What am I à quibbler! Oh, I do not know myself what I want? How friendly! What a fine eye!

Finally he said, now I see - an envelope crumpled. Hullo! I have not noticed myself. Well, thank you!

You just have a look at the disc production year, pervert!

You have to see his expression! In short, I had a pity on him.

Okay, I said, give me the coordinates of the source – I’ll investigate myself. But let my current truancy be a dark spot on your already black conscience.

In fact, it’s all right with my job, when I am not at the place then so should it be. Just so is the matter of things.

I took the bus that drove me to the address indicated. The door panel said: V.P. Mikhelson. It smelled with fried onions. I rang the door bell.

I waited until the door opens, thinking hot to begin the talks with this Vladimir Petrovich. Or this Valentin Pavlovich. I would say to him: Dear Victor Paramonovich, I am terribly sorry to disturb you, but the disc that you sold to my friend Sasha, to say the least, does not exist in nature. Oh, boy!
And here, finally I sank in! Just my legs gave way! I wanted to escape down the stairs as rowdy-dowdy schoolboy. In fact, stereo vinyl records - not the bottles with milk, for which the entire difference between the two, one  being produced today and one yesterday, just that yesterday’s in relation to today’s has slightly larger number of lactic bacteria. This is a work of art! The one that  is simply impossible to forge. To do so, even with all the technical possibilities, you need to simply be themselves Celentano.

But it was too late to retreat. Through the big spectacles there looked at me thoughtful, a bit sad dark eyes. Eyes of Adriano Celentano.

A person with an absurd jaw, usually smiling to me from bestseller record envelopes and  covers of popular magazines, now miraculously perked up in a dark doorway, it was somehow unreal. I wanted to touch the face to verify its existence. Though the glasses embarrassed me.  Although, who knows, maybe Adriano wears glasses at home, in his family circle? Maybe sitting in a luxurious couch, one arm embracing his beautiful dark-haired wife, the other hand he puts on his glasses in a thick horn frame, plus two dioptres , launching a newspaper and  saying in his spotless Italian: «Ebbene, cara Claudia, guardiamo che cosa su di me ha annunciato oggi la stampa romana? »**

But the man who opened the door, briefly looked at the vinyl, which I convulsively pressed to my chest, and said with low voice in the pure Russian: "Please get in, my name is Benjamin! You might want to return the disc?"

I entered. Squalid lodgings unpleasantly surprised me. Dirty-gray, shabby, once painted with oil paint walls formed a small anteroom. From the kitchen, extending that onion stench got a little woman in the apron with the hair gathered behind in bundle. Waving with her saw knife, cramped in a pink hand, the woman said: "So, another one appeared! Benjamin, I shall finally divorce you. Why you cannot live like everyone else? Why would not you take a job at the plant?"

- Let's go to the room - quietly said Adriano-Benjamin. The room, generally speaking, was no excuse to the hallway. The atmosphere resembled a second hand shop, on the table laid books in stacks, few suitcases formed untidy heap in corner behind a strange kind of device, similar to a metal stand.  Ceilings not limed for ages were covered with yellow spots.

-The top floor, the roof gives a leak - said master of the house, noticing my glance. - So how much you paid for the disc? I‘m gonna pay back to you now.

I wanted to cry: "Why? What means the money, all this? Signor, lei parla italiano?? Si? Tell me Signor Celentano, what movie  are you shooting now and whether it is sunny enough weather for filming in Rome, or are you making a new picture in Milan? And what car do you drive? Certainly, the "Ferrari"?

Such a man as you should drive fast as lightning "Ferrari", a red sport "Ferrari", right?

But this squalid apartment, the woman in the kitchen, both so did not bind with cheerful Adriano from covers, that I only vaguely muttered:
"Fifty."

- Hey, Alex, for sure, decided to buy a car. Though this record, I almost gave it to him free. Still nothing to do, let it be fifty. With Sasha I’ll speak afterwards. Would you mind if I return your money in small bills?

I did not mind. With a sigh he got into his jacket pocket, hanging on the back of antediluvian Viennese chair, counted a whole heap of crumpled three rubles notes and handed them to me with the words:
- Sorry for the impertinent question, but maybe the songs did not seem to you quite useless, huh?

His voice trembled with such a severe pain of almost lost hope that I put money in my pocket, not counting after him. Inappropriate was it. Anyway, such people never cheat.

He waited for a reply, trifling impatiently his badly shaven chin. I noticed that his left hand missed two fingers. Well, I had no more claims to him, and I answered quite earnestly:
- Beautiful songs. And my wife listened with pleasure, especially to the song in Polish. But you know ...
- So it means that you both liked them? You know, you - the first man who spoke well of my songs.

He brightened up, his eyes wetted, lips stretched into a smile, exposing the big horse teeth - teeth of Celentano.
- We Russians say no truth in standing! Please take a sit; I will make you a cup of tea. Larissa ... - He started to shout to the corridor and suddenly muffled. I hastened to say:
-Take it easy, I just have had ... coffee.

He seated me into the ridiculous convertible armchair, and located himself opposite on his Viennese chair.
- I recorded the songs myself with my guitar here and this old professional tape recorder out in the corner, you see? The old guys from recording studios reproduced, printed labels, envelopes. Good friends, they could not deny me of an old memory. But they could not resist to fool about the year of release.

He spoke hurriedly, as if he was afraid that I would disappear, evaporate, right in front of his eyes would turn into the smoke, into this very "old memory", a good, helpful, indulgent one. Or I would get up, would look at my watch, pat him on the shoulder and say for farewell to him "well, good boy, good boy"... and with that just would leave thru the door forever.

- I am a pianist, in fact was in the past, graduated from the conservatory. But then, this ridiculous coincidence - he waved in front of my nose with his stumps that I already had the pleasure to see - in the subway car door pulled them off. I travelled a bit wet plunged in my thought and forgot to remove my hand in time. Mere trifle, of course, but to work, so to say, in the specialty I had not been able to. Even as a ballroom pianist. But my guitar is still something I can manage with.

He jumped up, started to measure the room with his steps, massaging his left hand with his right one.

- You might have noticed my resemblance to the famous Italian director, film star, singer and composer?
- Yes, and even the voice is not distinguishable. Just remarkably similar.

He laughed a happy horse laugh, all seemed similar. He missed  only half impudent self-confidence of a famous Italian director, actor, singer and composer.

- Do you think that happened so by pure accident? But we are with him coevals, up to a day. More accurately I couldnot find out his age. Of course, for a long time, I suspected nothing. He had become popular in Russia not so long ago. And no time to read the foreign press, as they say, the mouth full of worries. Do you copy?

I copied him.
I understood everything well except one - how this horse like man was able to learn Italian and Polish, and possibly other languages as well? And learned them good enough to throw casually a word about foreign press.

- Well, but some time ago all my troubles began. Actually, I never lived particularly well, but all the same ... But here, as the knife cut. Initially, the trouble with the hand, then my beloved wife left – I had to break an apartment. Now here this one... -. - He sadly encircled around himself by hand. - Really, now you see I married again.

Yes, with marriage, kid, you of course, was lucky, I thought. This is for sure - fortunate.

- Recently we had an Italian picture with Celentano in the title role; I have forgotten how it was called.
- "Bluff" - I suggested.
- You too have seen it? Funny movie. I was the sole not to laugh. I suddenly realized that he is me. It was like thunder struck in broad daylight. During whole movie I sat not following the fabula, with the horror finding myself in his everything: in his music, his walk, in his facial expressions ... For an hour and a half I saw.

What a smart guy! Well, what have you understood, a little comma?

- However, does it seem  quite boring? I do not know why I chat so much. Of course you are in a hurry?
–Never mind, I still have some time. Keep on! It is very curious.

Suddenly he got up, found among a piles of junk on the table a small transistor receiver, took off the battery. He rather deftly managed objects by his eight fingers.

- Do you see the battery? Here is a positive pole, opposite it is negative one, and the potential shown: nine volts. It happens also one and a half volts. But, anyway, be sure to have positive and negative poles. Because if there are no poles, then there are no potential, no current, no use. In nature the same, everything is balanced, and it is the only way possible for some movement. I recently watched the popular science telecast - "The obvious - the improbable" and it turned out, that each elementary particle has its antiparticle: the electron - positron, the proton – antiproton. Do you feel where I drive?

 - No, - I answered honestly. At this time I had become really bored.

- Look, if you find a wallet on the sidewalk, then there was someone  to lose it. You can be sure of that. So, I am the one who loses purses and Adriano Celentano – the one who picks them up. And the more I lose them on the streets, the more he gets. I am his antipode. We are two probabilities complementing each other, the two poles of a battery. Do you follow?

- Not really. You say you are here, while he is in Italy? How then he finds your wallet?

His constant intrusive questions started to irritate me, his voice settled in my liver. I felt like quickly leave this  forever stinking with onions flat.

- Well, what is in Italy? He may be as well on another planet; it does not make any change. Perhaps, your own underworld is now somewhere in the African savanna, hungry, but cheerful, hunts with a spear to the striped zebras. Most likely.

- Well, you know...

- Do not get pissed, for God's sake! I had the word for example. And you know ... Sorry, I never asked, what is your name?

- It does not matter.

- Okay. And you know I'm not striving to live better. I really adore Celentano, and I do not want him to have problems because of me.

At this point his wife entered into the room.  She looked at me disapprovingly, then withdrew her look aside and muttered:
 – Come to eat up, food is ready a long time ago!
I got up  to say goodbye.  At the door, he secretly poked his disc under my hand.
- Take a souvenir! Just so.
And he  laughed with Adriano Celentano laughter.


P.S. A year later, I learned that in 1981 great Celentano issued only one disc instead of three, for example, in 1977. And the disc was resembled as unsuccessful. I disliked it too. And his popularity as a singer began to fall. Maybe I'd better go and see how is his antipode?

October, 1980.

* Zhigulevskoe –popular Russian beer brand

** Well, dear Claudia, let’s have a look what tells about me today's Roman press? (Italian)