While living in numerous countries and learning languages, I came to a conclusion that many aspects of speech are losing its sense of comparison. For example, the word “requisition” is feminine in Spanish and masculine in French, but in Russian, it has a neutral “gender.” The German language also has a “gender”, but it’s not the same as in Russian.
Neutral gender of the word “book” becomes feminine in Russian. The word “armature”(weapon) is feminine in German; however, in Russian, it’s neutral.
Why is a war-like symbol feminine in German? When and why did it become that? Does it have a logic in this nation’s development? It’s a semantic secret. Or, perhaps, Brunhilda best represents Germany.
The first appearance of the neutral gender in speech is a mystery. Probably, it happened in matriarchal time, when socium was in equilibrium.
No less interesting is the analysis of so-called “mat.” No question it was formed in Pagan times – yet it was used differently. Later, it was deformed the same way as the Great Goddess was turned into Madonna.
I never used obscene language when speaking Russian in my country. However, while living in America for many years, I have started to do it in English with no hesitation – out of survival. This has another connotation than it was in my highly cultured city of Petersburg.
Let’s take a hard name for female genitalia. In English, it sounds innocent for our Russian ear, like the name of a well-known philosopher. In Spanish, it sounds almost funny – toto – like a child’s toy.
No matter was what, I don’t hear anything offensive in these words. It’s just a conditional sign which became taboo in ancient times. I guess it happened with the appearance of the patriarchal religion declaring a war against human flesh. More precisely, declaring war against woman. Why, otherwise, has molestation of children become an epidemic among Catholic priests…
Returning though to the paradoxes of language, I want to say that my lexicon in exile isn’t similar to my native one. I’m more relaxed in my self-expressions being in France, America, Germany, or Latin countries. I don’t feel there any social limitations or self-censorship in my speech.
Thus, my self-liberation took a strange turn, even in my sensuality. People find me more attractive – not less with years. Voila, one of the amazing surprises of fate – a chance most women, alas, don’t have. I didn’t expect it myself either. Women often stop believing in themselves with age – under the pressure of the old fashioned rules of society.
My emancipation led me to the devaluation of glorified youth. I remember clearly that numbing fear of impregnation or rape when I was 20 or 30. Now, I’m curious about everything in my own development, including losses and errors. Yet, I don’t repeat the same mistakes.
Learning through growing is like studying the universe without frontiers. How many generation have made me the way I am? For me in my vulnerability, there is every day a discovery. Every happening is an enlightenment. I can reach what was barely possible for the Hollywood stars, plus the male ones: space and time without frontiers.
I am not preoccupied with a heavy duty of keeping my fame, status or property. I don’t need a river of cognac, nor do I need a line of admirers. However, I do need love. And I do get love. When and where I want. An ability to love is also a talent.
December 20, 2005, Corinthia Nevskij Palace Hotel, St. Petersburg, Russia.