Angel of Ideal
People always try to be better than they are. Especially men. Often, they just do self-confirmation in the relations with women, world, routine, and, the most important: with themselves. Their actions are heading them to self-confirmation, and sometimes, from this lust, other people suffer. If we talk about banal things, like: exact relationship, exact case, - than it is understandable, because the character’s feature helps to analyze and predict, so, they must be expected for such an actions, and there is nothing weird about it, because it is their nature, like a nature of human to go to a toilet.
But! Sometimes we can observe such conducts from people, who hadn’t, basing on our own observations, any predispositions for that at all!
People of that group are a bit mad, because they were separated from the society. It is understandable, because personalities, who can understand, who can survive separation, who can see much more than other people, who criticize them, in this separation, understand some things about the nature of people. Every person, who can come to this, must be horrified of this disgusting, vile, dark and evil nature.
And he does! It drives a personality mad, and than the minds like that visit such a soul: “Is it true, that I’m full of lust, this vile lust, which creates so many prejudices, and which stops me?! No, it can’t be so, I can’t be so vile!”. And he begins to prove himself, that his is not a louse, he “has to be” a bit higher in the way of life. And these actions, which can help him to prove it to himself, are just a self-confirmation.
Such a person is our main hero. At the moment he is sitting in the cell, waiting for an execution. The cell is dark, dirty and small. Such conditions do not help his thinking. He can’t even pray, because he can’t see the skies, God’s cell, as he thought. He can’t eat, because he wants to pray before a meal, to entreat his sin. The funniest thing in this situation is, that he began to pray after he was put into the jail. He became thin, pale, in only three days.
In this cell there was another man, who, just as our hero does, is waiting for the execution. This man had dark long, dark hair, he had big and muscle constitution, but he was, as it seemed to be, small. He has been sitting in the corner since he was put there. He only drank water – no food. He didn’t talk a lot, but the first, and a last conversation between two prisoners was fatal for our hero.
One day, the fourth from the moment, when J* was arrested, he was walking round his small cell, thinking about his fate.
“What have I done? I’ve killed only one, only one louse so far… Yes, it is a sin! - While saying that, he fell on the knees, and prayed for a minute – God, God, why did you create such a persons?! They are nothing…Who was he?
But… He defiled my ideal… Ha! Ideal! Can I say, that a girl, to whom I didn’t even talk, was my dream ideal? No, how could I believe in ideals, when I myself am just a louse, without any ability to life…
She could not be my ideal, when she loved that man, that disgusting and lusty man, whose desires… Lovers! They! I begin to think, that I’ve done a good thing! No, how dare I! – he fell down again and started to pray – No… Maybe she didn’t love him? Maybe, she, so clean and beautiful, was just tightened in the whirlpool of success? Yes, success!
Beautiful girls, in the age, when they can But what now? I’ve lost all my ideals, all my ideas, my views were dishonored, I’ve understood so much so far… I don’t have what to live for. But do I? Do I need to have what to live for? No? no banal thoughts like “for myself”! I’ve lost myself after I killed another personality. I am so weak to fight: I’ve been fighting all my life, against those problems of routine, problems of personalities, tried to change them, and what now? I’m in a cell, waiting for an execution…Merited execution!
No! I want to live! I’ll entreat my sin, I’ll do 100 charity businesses, and, and… No and.
I don’t want to do… I don’t want to trick myself! I want to die, I can’t stand this waiting! What they want me to think about?! I feel, that I’m in a fever…”.
He sat down, and a strange person in the corner said:
“Just shut up and wait. Your prays won’t be understood, God’s left you. Stop being so egocentric, it will break your mind. You are in a fever, it can be seen, but I want you to be satisfied, when you will be killed”.
“What?! How can I be satisfied! I’ve lost my dream…”.
“Really? Your dream is waiting for you, and you will see it, I promise, but only, when your time comes. You’ll definitely like, even love her”, - he smiled.
“You are mad”, - said J* with fear – “Whom her?!”
“Your dream. Your ideal. She will come in an hour, I think. And when you see her, you will want to die faster, because you will understand, that your fate was decided, and you won’t be with her anymore, because she is going to kill you, and she doesn’t think about whether you love her or not. You will see her eyes, her pure soul, and you will want only one thing – to die, because you won’t stand this beauty and pure character, and you will understand how much you’ve lost!”
J* was waiting. He had already understood, that he had a big fever, and, maybe, this man wasn’t saying anything. He thought, that it was only his imagination. But he was wrong.
This person said all these things.
“I want you to wait and to die with honesty and a smile”.
J* was scared. He began to go round and round the cell again, but much more annoyed. He sat down suddenly, than again began to walk, than cried, than prayed, but then he suddenly stopped.
“You say – honesty? What honesty can be in such a person, like me? I’ve killed; I was wrong, but… Have you ever had a dream, ideal?” - J* asked the strange man.
He grinned.
“Every person goes through this level of idealism, and you must step on it, and as fast, as you can, because this condition can change and spoil your materialistic life. Don’t be a kid; you can’t separate yourself from the other world, because after such an separation… You change your views; loneliness creates evil thought, and it leaves you only with your feelings, which destroy your ideals. See, to live a life of a Hermit is a very difficult thing, especially for such a idealists, as you are.
You killed that man, because he’d defiled your ideal, which you’d been seeking for in your wife, but don’t be silly, - she was only a reflection of your dreams. May
I assume, that you have seen a woman, probably a girl, who, you loved, whom you had erected on a pedestal, and you’ve loved her all your life, and she is your ideal. But… She left you, or you have never been with her”, - said he, like as thinking.
J* went pale, his lips were shaking. He could not understand – who was this person, and what he’s done, that he was put here… But!
“Did he ask me a question?”, - thought J* - “Yes. Shall I tell you?”
“He, I probably can predict how it’ll be, but, still, talk”.
***
I had a dating with one girl, and I’d invited her to some club, what I’m not used to do. We went; it was some concert in her university. I was 19 years old. We talked, danced, drank. The performers changed all the time, and I have not noticed the girl, came up to the scene. She was so beautiful, and had exactly that beauty, which I like, because such a precincts reflect the beauty of a character, beauty of a soul, so young and pure. I was… Amazed, if I can say so…
She sang, some A-minor-chord song, which was not so interesting, but it’d finished this image of ideal for me.
Do I need do say, that I’d forgotten about my girl and just stared on that angel on the stage, singing some romantic song about love… This atmosphere, this condition of sweet waiting! I was waiting, maybe, for her to see me, for her to understand me, just from the one look. It was mad condition. Next year I’d spent in this condition, I walked around the city, the university, just with a hope to see her. Every day I was waiting for a miracle to happen, maybe, that she will suddenly see me, that I will have an opportunity to talk to her! Every time, when I saw her, only one stare on her gave me powers to survive the next night, and to come there again next day! But… Once, I saw her, walking with one guy, simply laughing. He was kissing her all the time and I became jealous, only because she was happy, and I saw her in this happy condition, only because of him being near to her. I went away, cursing my romantics, and just fell in a huge depress, which continued for a… Long time. Maybe till today. But all this time, I’ve been sure, that I am nothing, and I do not cost any attention, and she was just a corrupted by the society, in which she lived in.
Than I started to see her in the society of some… Strange sub-cultures. And she started to ruin her life, started to leave her authorities! I could not stand it.
The last action, which caused the murdering was only one night. I was drunk, as usual, in such a condition. I was going home, and the fortune, so evil fortune took me in one tram with that man, her boyfriend…
I was listening to his conversation with one of his friends.
“Man, she is cool. Really. You know, I like her”, - he said.
“Yes, I see. I remember your words – sexual and small, right?”, - they laughed.
“Oh, please, she is a kid. I haven’t had a sex with her yet… But don’t worry. I remember. Maybe, tomorrow, or when she has that concert or whatever it is”, - they laughed again.
After that they said goodbye to each other and Martin (the boyfriend), left the train. I followed him.
It was raining hard, and Martin began to run. I kept watching him, and soon we reached his house. He tried to open the door, and I, in some drunken condition, but not because of an alcohol, because of angriness, asked him:
“So, you don’t love her, do you?”
He looked at me with surprising and with fear.
“What the?... Fall back!”, - he shouted.
By this shout, he made me mad.
I hit him with an elbow, he fell down and hit his head about a handle of a door. The blood had spread over a sidewalk. I was in fear, but not because if what had I done, but because of a thought, that he could be better than I’d thought about him…
In a fever, I sat down near to a dead body and cried for a minute. Than some lady saw me, and called the police. I admitted that I’m guilty.
***
“Nothing unusual. Keep working on it. Think about it”, - the strange man was bored with such a banal story of a man, who ad survived the unfortunate. Not mutual love.
Arcady felt terrible: he was crashed by this understanding of how banal were all his experiences. He felt miserable.
“May I ask you a question? What would you do, if she came here?”
“I would beg her to excuse me!” - Arkady shouted.
“We’ll see”, - the strange man grinned.
Arkady felt ill. He fell asleep.
***
He was woken up by a screams, coming from the corridor.
“I must see him!”, - girl’s voice said.
After a moment, a girl came to the cell, in which J* and the strange man were held.
She was beautiful, and beauty her is so clean and healthy, that nobody, who have eyes, (and some romantic views), can’t walk near her and do not stop his look – just for pleasure. He saw her delicate precincts: kind nose, naturally pink lips and… eyes.
He had seen many women with beautiful eyes, but their eyes were beautiful, no longer, but her eyes were so deep, sometimes even cloudy, so he could watch them hours and hours… And this coquette movement – when she’d noticed his stare, she stringed her lips, and moved her eyes down… But she has natural talent, she doesn’t like to torture men, who are in love. Her character is as clean and virgin, as her appearance.
Such beauty can be called real beauty, because real beauty contains appearance and character, and if these things are in balance, girl is beauty and… divine…
“Where is he?!” - She asked the guard loudly. She looked at two prisoners.
When her eyes met with J*’s eyes, he had feeling, which is used to people, whose dream came truth.
The guard didn’t reply, because she had already found him, the murderer.
“Can I talk to him?” – asked she, continuing to look at Arkady.
“It’s forbidden, but… Still, the time is running out for him, and I think, it’s possible” – the guard smiled.
Arkady went to a room to talk to his dream. These conditions of prison, his position of a prisoner was so similar to his condition in his soul, that he felt comfortable. He was in prison of his ideal, and he didn’t try to escape.
He was wearing handcuffs, and this fact lowered him in her eyes.
She sat down with a strict face, and started to knock fingers of a table.
“Stop it please” – he asked, looking straight into her eyes.
“Why?” – Ironically asked she and continued to do it faster. Than she stopped – “Why do I need to listen to your orders?!”
“It was a beg”, - he looked down.
She watched him with interest and stopped knocking.
“You know, when I came here, I was ready to kill you… Not actually kill, but maybe to injure, no, I’m talking to emotional…”, - she started to chat.
“I understand”, - he continued to look down.
“The most interesting fact is that I came here just because of your question to him… I was said, that you’ve admitted that fact that you asked him – “So, you don’t love her?”, or something like that… I just… I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, I suppose… So… I’m confused”.
He smiled.
“Wrong supposal. I know you”, - said he, not lifting a head.
“Are you a maniac, to watch me?” – She wasn’t scared at all.
He wanted to tell her all, he wanted to fall to her knees and to say, that he loves her…
“Maybe, I am… But do you know, how a person feels, when a girl, whom he loves more than everything else, doesn’t know him at all, and he is laying in a dirty flat, dreaming about her happiness, but she doesn’t know him…”, - he said, and suddenly raised his head, watching straightly to her eyes.
Now she was scared. She was afraid of such a person, but she has understood, that Arkady wasn’t a maniac or mad.
“Do you… You love me?” – She asked calm.
“Yes I do”.
“But you can’t… You can’t accuse me that I haven’t seen you or…”, - she began like a thought tirade.
“I do not accuse you. I am not worthy to be with you…”
“But a…”, - she began to talk, but suddenly stopped. “Why did you kill him?”
“It seems to me that you are not so afflicted with his death”, - Arkady grinned.
“I’ve already cried about it, enough. And I’ve already… How dare you say it to me?!” – shouted she.
Guard heard that shout and came in.
“Everything is fine”, - she said angrily. The guard has had left – “No, it’s not. Can you understand the nonsense of this situation?! You’ve been loving me all your life, but you didn’t dare to come and get acquainted, because you think, that you aren’t worthy of me, and than you kill my boyfriend, because of jealous, and…”
“I killed him, to prevent troubles”, - minted Arkady.
She looked at him and sighed sadly.
“I’m not responsible of dreams that you have of me”.
“But now you are drawing yourself into my dreams, by being yourself”, - he smiled.
“Do you know something about me?” – She asked it with a sadly look on him.
“No”
The silence has come. She was looking at him, he was looking at her. His eyes were nearly full of tears.
“What is your name at least?” – He asked.
“Maybe, it will be better, if you don’t know it?” – She asked, feeling pity.
He just grinned.
“I beg you… Pray for me, pray for God’s slave Arkady”, - he stood up – “It’s over!” – He shouted to a guard.
She stood up and looked at him.
“Sorry”, - she whispered on a ear, getting closer to Arkady.
He took her hands, and tried to remember all the precincts of it, every detail. The guard was trying to open the door. Her lips shivered. She kissed him shy, and their kiss lasted an instant. The guard came. He took Arkady back to his cell.
The strange man was sitting in the corner, as usually. He laughed.
“So… Did you ask a pardon?”
“No”, - said Arkady shortly and sat down into another corner.
Soon the guard came in.
“Rysyatnikov, leave the cell!” – The guard shouted – “Say farewell to your friend Arkady. You won’t see him again”.
Rysyatnikov just grinned.
“Remember – you must die with honesty”.
And he leaved. Soon, Arkady heard a gunshot. Next moment he took a rusty nail from his pocket, and cut his veins on the left arm. He died with tears and smile on his face.