Angel Of Ideal

 Angel of Ideal

 People always try to be better than they are. Especially men. Often, they just do self-confirmation in the relations with women, world, routine, and, the most important: with themselves. Their actions are heading them to self-confirmation, and sometimes, from this lust, other people suffer. If we talk about banal things, like: exact relationship, exact case, - than it is understandable, because the characters feature helps to analyze and predict, so, they must be expected for such an actions, and there is nothing weird about it, because it is their nature, like a nature of human to go to a toilet.
 But! Sometimes we can observe such conducts from people, who hadnt, basing on our own observations, any predispositions for that at all!
 People of that group are a bit mad, because they were separated from the society. It is understandable, because personalities, who can understand, who can survive separation, who can see much more than other people, who criticize them, in this separation, understand some things about the nature of people. Every person, who can come to this, must be horrified of this disgusting, vile, dark and evil nature.
 And he does! It drives a personality mad, and than the minds like that visit such a soul: Is it true, that Im full of lust, this vile lust, which creates so many prejudices, and which stops me?! No, it cant be so, I cant be so vile!. And he begins to prove himself, that his is not a louse, he has to be a bit higher in the way of life. And these actions, which can help him to prove it to himself, are just a self-confirmation.
 Such a person is our main hero. At the moment he is sitting in the cell, waiting for an execution. The cell is dark, dirty and small. Such conditions do not help his thinking. He cant even pray, because he cant see the skies, Gods cell, as he thought. He cant eat, because he wants to pray before a meal, to entreat his sin. The funniest thing in this situation is, that he began to pray after he was put into the jail. He became thin, pale, in only three days.
 In this cell there was another man, who, just as our hero does, is waiting for the execution. This man had dark long, dark hair, he had big and muscle constitution, but he was, as it seemed to be, small. He has been sitting in the corner since he was put there. He only drank water no food. He didnt talk a lot, but the first, and a last conversation between two prisoners was fatal for our hero.
 One day, the fourth from the moment, when J* was arrested, he was walking round his small cell, thinking about his fate.
 What have I done? Ive killed only one, only one louse so far Yes, it is a sin! - While saying that, he fell on the knees, and prayed for a minute God, God, why did you create such a persons?! They are nothingWho was he?
 But He defiled my ideal Ha! Ideal! Can I say, that a girl, to whom I didnt even talk, was my dream ideal? No, how could I believe in ideals, when I myself am just a louse, without any ability to life
She could not be my ideal, when she loved that man, that disgusting and lusty man, whose desires Lovers! They! I begin to think, that Ive done a good thing! No, how dare I! he fell down again and started to pray No Maybe she didnt love him? Maybe, she, so clean and beautiful, was just tightened in the whirlpool of success? Yes, success!
Beautiful girls, in the age, when they can But what now? Ive lost all my ideals, all my ideas, my views were dishonored, Ive understood so much so far I dont have what to live for. But do I? Do I need to have what to live for? No? no banal thoughts like for myself! Ive lost myself after I killed another personality. I am so weak to fight: Ive been fighting all my life, against those problems of routine, problems of personalities, tried to change them, and what now? Im in a cell, waiting for an executionMerited execution!
 No! I want to live! Ill entreat my sin, Ill do 100 charity businesses, and, and No and.
 I dont want to do I dont want to trick myself! I want to die, I cant stand this waiting! What they want me to think about?! I feel, that Im in a fever.
 He sat down, and a strange person in the corner said:
 Just shut up and wait. Your prays wont be understood, Gods left you. Stop being so egocentric, it will break your mind. You are in a fever, it can be seen, but I want you to be satisfied, when you will be killed.
 What?! How can I be satisfied! Ive lost my dream.
 Really? Your dream is waiting for you, and you will see it, I promise, but only, when your time comes. Youll definitely like, even love her, - he smiled.
 You are mad, - said J* with fear Whom her?!
 Your dream. Your ideal. She will come in an hour, I think. And when you see her, you will want to die faster, because you will understand, that your fate was decided, and you wont be with her anymore, because she is going to kill you, and she doesnt think about whether you love her or not. You will see her eyes, her pure soul, and you will want only one thing to die, because you wont stand this beauty and pure character, and you will understand how much youve lost!
J* was waiting. He had already understood, that he had a big fever, and, maybe, this man wasnt saying anything. He thought, that it was only his imagination. But he was wrong.
 This person said all these things.
 I want you to wait and to die with honesty and a smile.
 J* was scared. He began to go round and round the cell again, but much more annoyed. He sat down suddenly, than again began to walk, than cried, than prayed, but then he suddenly stopped.
 You say honesty? What honesty can be in such a person, like me? Ive killed; I was wrong, but Have you ever had a dream, ideal? - J* asked the strange man.
He grinned.
Every person goes through this level of idealism, and you must step on it, and as fast, as you can, because this condition can change and spoil your materialistic life. Dont be a kid; you cant separate yourself from the other world, because after such an separation You change your views; loneliness creates evil thought, and it leaves you only with your feelings, which destroy your ideals. See, to live a life of a Hermit is a very difficult thing, especially for such a idealists, as you are.
 You killed that man, because hed defiled your ideal, which youd been seeking for in your wife, but dont be silly, - she was only a reflection of your dreams. May
 I assume, that you have seen a woman, probably a girl, who, you loved, whom you had erected on a pedestal, and youve loved her all your life, and she is your ideal. But She left you, or you have never been with her, - said he, like as thinking.
J* went pale, his lips were shaking. He could not understand who was this person, and what hes done, that he was put here But!
 Did he ask me a question?, - thought J* - Yes. Shall I tell you?
He, I probably can predict how itll be, but, still, talk.

***

I had a dating with one girl, and Id invited her to some club, what Im not used to do. We went; it was some concert in her university. I was 19 years old. We talked, danced, drank. The performers changed all the time, and I have not noticed the girl, came up to the scene. She was so beautiful, and had exactly that beauty, which I like, because such a precincts reflect the beauty of a character, beauty of a soul, so young and pure. I was Amazed, if I can say so
She sang, some A-minor-chord song, which was not so interesting, but itd finished this image of ideal for me.
Do I need do say, that Id forgotten about my girl and just stared on that angel on the stage, singing some romantic song about love This atmosphere, this condition of sweet waiting! I was waiting, maybe, for her to see me, for her to understand me, just from the one look. It was mad condition. Next year Id spent in this condition, I walked around the city, the university, just with a hope to see her. Every day I was waiting for a miracle to happen, maybe, that she will suddenly see me, that I will have an opportunity to talk to her! Every time, when I saw her, only one stare on her gave me powers to survive the next night, and to come there again next day! But Once, I saw her, walking with one guy, simply laughing. He was kissing her all the time and I became jealous, only because she was happy, and I saw her in this happy condition, only because of him being near to her. I went away, cursing my romantics, and just fell in a huge depress, which continued for a Long time. Maybe till today. But all this time, Ive been sure, that I am nothing, and I do not cost any attention, and she was just a corrupted by the society, in which she lived in.
Than I started to see her in the society of some Strange sub-cultures. And she started to ruin her life, started to leave her authorities! I could not stand it.
The last action, which caused the murdering was only one night. I was drunk, as usual, in such a condition. I was going home, and the fortune, so evil fortune took me in one tram with that man, her boyfriend
I was listening to his conversation with one of his friends.
Man, she is cool. Really. You know, I like her, - he said.
Yes, I see. I remember your words sexual and small, right?, - they laughed.
Oh, please, she is a kid. I havent had a sex with her yet But dont worry. I remember. Maybe, tomorrow, or when she has that concert or whatever it is, - they laughed again.
After that they said goodbye to each other and Martin (the boyfriend), left the train. I followed him.
It was raining hard, and Martin began to run. I kept watching him, and soon we reached his house. He tried to open the door, and I, in some drunken condition, but not because of an alcohol, because of angriness, asked him:
So, you dont love her, do you?
He looked at me with surprising and with fear.
What the?... Fall back!, - he shouted.
By this shout, he made me mad.
I hit him with an elbow, he fell down and hit his head about a handle of a door. The blood had spread over a sidewalk. I was in fear, but not because if what had I done, but because of a thought, that he could be better than Id thought about him
In a fever, I sat down near to a dead body and cried for a minute. Than some lady saw me, and called the police. I admitted that Im guilty.

***

Nothing unusual. Keep working on it. Think about it, - the strange man was bored with such a banal story of a man, who ad survived the unfortunate. Not mutual love.
Arcady felt terrible: he was crashed by this understanding of how banal were all his experiences. He felt miserable.
 May I ask you a question? What would you do, if she came here?
I would beg her to excuse me! - Arkady shouted.
Well see, - the strange man grinned.
Arkady felt ill. He fell asleep.

***

He was woken up by a screams, coming from the corridor.
I must see him!, - girls voice said.
After a moment, a girl came to the cell, in which J* and the strange man were held.
She was beautiful, and beauty her is so clean and healthy, that nobody, who have eyes, (and some romantic views), cant walk near her and do not stop his look just for pleasure. He saw her delicate precincts: kind nose, naturally pink lips and eyes.
He had seen many women with beautiful eyes, but their eyes were beautiful, no longer, but her eyes were so deep, sometimes even cloudy, so he could watch them hours and hours And this coquette movement when shed noticed his stare, she stringed her lips, and moved her eyes down But she has natural talent, she doesnt like to torture men, who are in love. Her character is as clean and virgin, as her appearance.
Such beauty can be called real beauty, because real beauty contains appearance and character, and if these things are in balance, girl is beauty and divine

Where is he?! - She asked the guard loudly. She looked at two prisoners.
When her eyes met with J*s eyes, he had feeling, which is used to people, whose dream came truth.
The guard didnt reply, because she had already found him, the murderer.
Can I talk to him? asked she, continuing to look at Arkady.
Its forbidden, but Still, the time is running out for him, and I think, its possible the guard smiled.
Arkady went to a room to talk to his dream. These conditions of prison, his position of a prisoner was so similar to his condition in his soul, that he felt comfortable. He was in prison of his ideal, and he didnt try to escape.
He was wearing handcuffs, and this fact lowered him in her eyes.
She sat down with a strict face, and started to knock fingers of a table.
Stop it please he asked, looking straight into her eyes.
Why? Ironically asked she and continued to do it faster. Than she stopped Why do I need to listen to your orders?!
It was a beg, - he looked down.
She watched him with interest and stopped knocking.
You know, when I came here, I was ready to kill you Not actually kill, but maybe to injure, no, Im talking to emotional, - she started to chat.
I understand, - he continued to look down.
The most interesting fact is that I came here just because of your question to him I was said, that youve admitted that fact that you asked him So, you dont love her?, or something like that I just I dont know you, and you dont know me, I suppose So Im confused.
He smiled.
Wrong supposal. I know you, - said he, not lifting a head.
Are you a maniac, to watch me? She wasnt scared at all.
He wanted to tell her all, he wanted to fall to her knees and to say, that he loves her
Maybe, I am But do you know, how a person feels, when a girl, whom he loves more than everything else, doesnt know him at all, and he is laying in a dirty flat, dreaming about her happiness, but she doesnt know him, - he said, and suddenly raised his head, watching straightly to her eyes.
Now she was scared. She was afraid of such a person, but she has understood, that Arkady wasnt a maniac or mad.
Do you You love me? She asked calm.
Yes I do.
But you cant You cant accuse me that I havent seen you or, - she began like a thought tirade.
I do not accuse you. I am not worthy to be with you
But a, - she began to talk, but suddenly stopped. Why did you kill him?
It seems to me that you are not so afflicted with his death, - Arkady grinned.
Ive already cried about it, enough. And Ive already How dare you say it to me?! shouted she.
Guard heard that shout and came in.
Everything is fine, - she said angrily. The guard has had left No, its not. Can you understand the nonsense of this situation?! Youve been loving me all your life, but you didnt dare to come and get acquainted, because you think, that you arent worthy of me, and than you kill my boyfriend, because of jealous, and
I killed him, to prevent troubles, - minted Arkady.
She looked at him and sighed sadly.
Im not responsible of dreams that you have of me.
But now you are drawing yourself into my dreams, by being yourself, - he smiled.
Do you know something about me? She asked it with a sadly look on him.
No
The silence has come. She was looking at him, he was looking at her. His eyes were nearly full of tears.
What is your name at least? He asked.
Maybe, it will be better, if you dont know it? She asked, feeling pity.
He just grinned.
I beg you Pray for me, pray for Gods slave Arkady, - he stood up Its over! He shouted to a guard.
She stood up and looked at him.
Sorry, - she whispered on a ear, getting closer to Arkady.
He took her hands, and tried to remember all the precincts of it, every detail. The guard was trying to open the door. Her lips shivered. She kissed him shy, and their kiss lasted an instant. The guard came. He took Arkady back to his cell.
The strange man was sitting in the corner, as usually. He laughed.
So Did you ask a pardon?
No, - said Arkady shortly and sat down into another corner.
Soon the guard came in.
Rysyatnikov, leave the cell! The guard shouted Say farewell to your friend Arkady. You wont see him again.
Rysyatnikov just grinned.
Remember you must die with honesty.
And he leaved. Soon, Arkady heard a gunshot. Next moment he took a rusty nail from his pocket, and cut his veins on the left arm. He died with tears and smile on his face.