SELENA ENTERPRISES, Toronto, Canada. All rights reserved
The novel first published in the magazine THE NEWS OF THE NEW WORLD, North Carolina, USA, 2001/2002
Reprinted with permission
The next morning the companions had breakfast in the same Grand Hotel lounge.
"How long do we stay here?" Jack asked, enjoying morning coffee and "Grand Romanoff" ice-cream abundantly decorated with a blend of the best cognacs and strawberry sauce.
Nick smiled.
"Why? You don"t like how we"re looked after, do you? I"ll immediately notify the management that a brilliant scientist professor Van Leebrook is not happy that three dozen towels are changed daily, but not hourly, and toilet tissue is of the wrong color and doesn"t have the scent of Chanel Number Five perfume."
"No, no," Jack replied quickly. "I could stay here forever. And the cuisine is delicious. Simply, you know, we stay under assumed names. I still feel uncomfortable."
"Don"t be so sheepish. The only uncomfortable thing I know in this life is to sleep on the ceiling. The blanket falls off. All the rest is fairly comfortable. We can stay here and have this prepaid rental car for another couple of days. Unfortunately, the symposium finishes the day after tomorrow. But if you"re such a law-obedient member of society and feel uncomfortable about enjoying life at the expense of the micro- and macrobiological community, we"ll leave to look for a job as soon as you finish your coffee."
"What job? Why a job?" Adjutant asked quizzically.
His face did not display any enthusiasm about this suggestion from his boss. Commandante cheered up his colleague.
"Don"t worry. We"re not going to restore your membership with the napkin company. We"re going to apply for a job in the Smallton Pluraculturalism Center. It"s a wonderful governmental job with no responsibilities and a lot of benefits. Long vacations, inflation-protected retirement plans, air-conditioned premises. Cool, bright and no bugs. Yesterday I made my choice. Let"s go, details in the car."
Commandante"s candidate Dr. Ahadu Bahadu was the person in charge of the local Center of Pluraculturalism. He was very proud that he had obtained this position in a strong competition with several hundred other candidates who were also thirsting for this cool place with no bugs. Mr. Bahadu used to say that the main reason for his nomination was his outstanding multicultural background: Asian by birth, South American by temper, North American by wife and European by taste. But the tongues were wagging that in this chain he forgot to mention the most important link: his MPP father-in-law who made his son-in-law a true and devoted multiculturalist by pulling strings.
The head of the Center liked it when he was addressed by his staff as Dr. Bahadu, although nobody could discover any visible relationship of the prominent pluraculturlist to physicians or PhDcians.
The apex of his creative activity was preparation of a questionnaire for the citizenship test later approved at a higher level under the patronage of his executive relative. During his long career, Dr. Bahadu heard so many complaints about how difficult it was to have an interview with an immigration judge, especially if one"s command of English language spread no further than the first five letters of the alphabet .
Several years of titanic work resulted in a serious document that now ensured a passing grade to anybody who could distinguish "hi" from "bye" and knew that Canada was the name of a country in North America and not of a lake in Africa. The questionnaire featured the following masterpieces of multiple-choice test samples:
A. Canada is a country located in:
1. North America
2. Dark side of the moon
B. The first aboriginal people living in Canada were:
1. Martians
2. First nation
C. The confederation was founded in the SUMMER of 1867 in the month of:
1. July
2. December
D. The first Prime-Minister of Canada was
1. John Macdonald
2. John Lennon
E. The citizen of Canada has a right to:
1. Vote
2. Enjoy a free beer
In the office, Dr. Bahadu"s head was always crowned with a beautiful white turban. While speaking he slowly and rhythmically nodded his head as if he was charming a snake, adding "right" after every sentence.
"So, you need a job? Right? Everybody needs a job. Right? But job also needs a right person in the right place. Right?"
Commandante had a strong desire to answer "left", but he did not interrupt the distinguished multiculturalist. His attention was concentrated on the rubber plant standing in the corner of doctor"s office.
Before visiting the office, Commandante called Dr. Bahadu"s secretary and introduced himself as Senator Don Donovan. The Senator recommended that two very industrious and efficient people, displaying real interest in pluracultural ideas, should be considered as candidates for vacant positions in the Center. The Senator humbly requested to arrange an interview for them as soon as possible.
"Let"s look at your resumes," the chief of the Center said.
He went through the resumes and said:
"Very interesting resumes. And the references are impressive. Right? Our center is in a desperate need of professionals with your background. Right? But, unfortunately, we have very strong competition for all positions in the center. So we give preference to those who can suggest some very outstanding projects. Right?"
"Absolutely right," Commandante agreed. "Actually I wanted to suggest a fascinating project. A multilingual choir. How many national communities are there in Smallton? About sixty. Right?"
Nick got this information from a brochure he browsed through while sitting in the front lobby and waiting for the interview.
"So, we establish the Great Multilingual Choir of Smallton consisting of 60 people. Each member represents his own community. He is dressed in his traditional native costume and sings in his native language. The performance of the choir is accompanied by the great Pluracultural Orchestra. Again 60 people each playing his native instrument. Can you imagine the stunning effect of 60 people singing the same song in 60 different languages at a the same time? Motley decorations, luxuriant colors, wild performance! Wow! Awesome! Cool! Right?"
Dr. Bahadu nodded his head in assent.
"Right, right! Very cool, very awesome, very wow!"
His face indicated that he definitely liked this idea.
"Then after several rehearsals and local performances across the province, we arrange the first Smallton Multisinging Festival. The Jury will be drawn from world-famous musicians including Placido Domingo, Mstislav Rastropovich and Luciano Pavarotti. Sending invitations and ensuring their arrival is an easy task for my colleague Mr. Julio Verdi."
Commandante pointed to Jack.
"My colleague is a graduate of conservatories in Philadelphia and St. Petersburg. He has experience performing in La Scala and Bolshoi and he is personally acquainted with every celebrity in the musical world. It is only because he is a very diffident and modest man that he doesn"t mention in his resume that he is a greatgrandson of the great Giuseppe Verdi."
Both Dr. Bahadu and Jack did not know who Giuseppe Verdi was, but the distinguished multiculturalist looked with emphasized respect at the grandrelative of a famous composer who blew his cheeks to add more importance to his appearance.
Jack did not follow the fantastic ideas of Commandante but he knew that his companion never said anything without a good reason. So Jack concentrated on watching the plant trying to guess whether this was the right one.
"A lot of advertising, thousands of wealthy guests, national cuisine from all over the world right in Smallton. Construction of the Smallton international airport is an absolute necessity. Provincial government has no choice but to build a new ultra-modern highway and steel-glass skyscraper building for your center. Seeing this, the municipal government has no choice but to repair Main King street and rename it to Multiculturalism Avenue. And after the festival we will tour all over the world with the program "All colors of the globe". The best arenas and theaters of the New and Old Worlds. Paris and Vienna, Monte Carlo and Las Vegas, Tokyo and Melbourne. And certainly the colorful advertising posters will be everywhere: The Great Multilingual Choir of Canada. Conductor Julio Verdi. Concertmaster professor Van Leebrook. General Director Dr. A.Bahadu. Right?"
"Right, right!"
Doctor-director started to nod his head so quickly that his turban almost fell off. In his dreams he saw himself as the famous director of the famous Multilingual Choir. Fame, money, prosperity, respect. On this wave of success, he gets a seat in the House of Commons, moves to Ottawa, creates his own political party "New Extremely Conservative but Very Liberal Democrats" and becomes Prime Minister of Canada. Why not?
"Now I see you are the best candidates for the two vacant positions we have in our center," Dr. Bahadu said, feeling his head spinning with new horizons. "But there is one unfortunate formality. You know, I do not decide everything. We have some guidelines from senior authorities."
Director pointed with his finger in the ceiling.
"We are strongly advised to display maximum favor to those who have minority status. It is our policy. Then nobody can say our center does not have a labor equity approach. God save us if somebody would complain about that. But, unfortunately, you do not look like minorities. You are not African-Canadians, are you?"
Nick cast a doubtful look at himself in the mirror, then looked at towheaded, freckled Jack and said:
"Afraid not."
"And you also don"t look like native Canadians, do you?"
Nick shook his head again. No, all this did not work. Both director and concertmaster looked frustrated. For a minute they stared at each other trying to find the solution to clear up this unexpected problem.
"Yes!" exclaimed Commandante finally. "Certainly we have minority status!"
He gave such a strong French kiss to Jack that the poor Adjutant almost fell from his chair.
"I forgot to tell you that Mr. Verdi alias Mrs. Levenbrook is my beloved adorable spouse. Right, honey? We"re a motley-gay blue-pink minority and if you don"t hire us immediately I will send a complaint to the All-Canadian League of Sexual Renovation. Right?"
Dr. Bahadu clapped his hands.
"Right, right! No other restrictions. You are hired! When can you start working at the project?"
"Right away. We can settle all the formalities in Human Resources tomorrow. Business is a priority. First we need to take care of inviting the right people to the Festival jury. As you have wisely noticed: right people in the right place. This is the key to future popularity and success."
"But so far we do not have any choir," Dr. Director replied doubtfully.
"The choir is not a problem. With our experience and background it won"t take long. Simple as two times two The creation of a jury is a more involved task. Most celebrities are booked years in advance. So we have to start our activities right now if we want to arrange the festival in the foreseeable future. Right?"
"Right," the director agreed. "Very wise approach. How do we get started?"
"First, absolutely no phone calls, faxes, Internet mail and other fancy-schmancy electronic stuff. The celebrities simply ignore them. Only regular old-fashioned mail, special invitations on special cards of hat box size. There is only one place to order those cards: New York, Fifth Avenue, the card store "Big greeting from the Big Apple". The owner of this store is a bosom friend of mine. We can get fifteen percent discount on each card if we order more than a dozen of them before . . . "
Commandante looked at his watch.
" . . . five o"clock eastern time tonight."
"How much funding do we need for the invitations?"
"Ridiculous sum. A thousand dollars will do it."
"Oh, no!" director exclaimed. "It"s too much. We are fairly short of money right now. All those budget cuts, they affect us so much. Right?"
Doctor-director looked very disappointed and his eyes asked with entreaty:
"Is it possible to become a famous director of the famous choir for less money?"
"Right," Commandante agreed. "I realize the problems of your center. Of our center. Culture is always like Cinderella. When planning the budget everybody in the government tries to rob it of money and there is nobody who can defend the poor thing. I will try to do as much as possible for half. But it"s an absolute minimum. Otherwise there is not any sense in starting the project at all."
Dr. Bahadu sighed and signed a check for $500.
"Excellent," Nick said, putting the check into his pocket. "Tomorrow morning I will bring you all the invitations for a signature. My friend from New York will courier it to me at no additional cost. He owes me a lot. By the way, Mr. Bahadu, what is your favorite folk song? Can you give me a tune?"
Dr. Bahadu started to sing some wistful and sleepy oriental melody in an unknown language. Nick listened for a while fighting with a yawn and then joined trying to follow the melody. He invented some of his own words in Yiddish. Listening to them Jack also joined the choir. He was singing in English something medium between the fourteenth psalm and the Rolling Stones early hit "Paint it black" with the words from the latter.
Commandante guided the melody tapping with his palms against the desk. First the melody gave more bias to blues, then to disco and in the long run it acquired a charming and hilarious operetta final. All the participants of the improvised multilingual choir jumped from their seats and putting their arms on each other"s shoulders performed a merry closing cancan.
"Whew!" Nick said when the companions got back to the car.
He wiped off the sweat from his forehead and added.
"That was the toughest job interview I ever had in my life. Looks like an audition for a dancing company in Las Vegas. No picnic in my age."
"How do we check out the plant?" Jack asked. "Any ideas?"
He also was breathing heavily after intensive performance of the final multilingual dance.
"Do you think I performed all those jumps and twists holding our director by the waist because of irresistible love of fine arts?" Commandante asked.
He showed to Jack the key from Dr. Bahadu"s office.
"Although tonight is a full moon cycle, don"t forget a flashlight when we go to examine our tropical buddy. In the meantime let"s go and cash the festival money. Courtesy of the Dge"n"Dge. Did I tell you in this country money is lying everywhere and we"ll pick it up when need to? "
"A piece of cake!"
Jack laughed and pressed the accelerator pedal.
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