This happens every day. Every minute. Every second. All around the world. In every little place. There is no way you can escape it if you are bound to go through it... and once this happened it will happen again, night after night... You go to psychologists. You hope – or sooner others hope – that they will help you. They make you go through it over and over again. They make you believe that you are not the only one who went through it. And that there thousands of others, thousands of others... millions of others... But hey, does it make any sense? Most are going to live with it, nights will bring all those old memories to them. And there is no way out. No matter what others will say. No matter what others will believe. Yes, they can believe you’re through with it, but no one really knows how deep it sits in you, no one except the one who went through it himself. Or should I say herself? For yes, it mostly concerns girls...
She pretends to be strong. She pretends to be happy. She laughs. Yes, so often she laughs but what is hidden behind this laughter? It’s no laughter. It’s pieces of the forgotten joy. It’s pieces of the past. Of the past without future. No one even cares, or someone seems to care, but does anyone know what care really is? Does anyone know what she really needs? What she really is looking for in people around? Does anyone really try to understand and give her this understanding, not only visually, but spiritually as well? She waits for the night to come. She waits not exactly for the night but for darkness and empty rooms, when and where she can sit and think and even cry... They say tears help. They say if you cry you’ll feel so much better... But why, why isn’t she feeling better then? Two years have passed. People say it’s such a long time... or such a short time – it depends... What is time for her? She must have forgotten it, she must have forgotten that nightmare – we used to forget unpleasant thing, or? Well, she talked with her friends and relatives about memories from childhood... What did they answer? It was quite funny, she thought then, girls remembered bad things happening to them, and guys – no matter how difficult their life had been – mostly bright things... Now she came to think about it again. Why is it so? She couldn’t forget that night... Never... That night changed the whole life of hers... If what she had now could be called life...
She stood up. She was now at the same place where it all had happened. Lifeless eyes looked about. Nothing was changed. The same faces everywhere. The same laughter everywhere, that same empty laughter, that laughter which could kill... Someone said “Hi!” She shuddered. It was the same word, such a meaningless word, such a depressive word now. Now again. Like 2 years before...
Why did he do it? Why did he do it to her? It didn’t matter for him at all – he could go and find a hundred others, with the only difference that those others could do it all willingly. Why did he find her? Why did he choose her? Why? She felt nothing then. She didn’t let herself feel anything. She knew that the feeling would come later. And it did. For the first time when she went into the bathroom and sprang into warm water. She wanted to get rid of that feeling of being used sexually. The water was now cold – she was hoping it would help her to come to senses again, but she was so empty. She spent about 20 minutes in the bathroom knowing he was in the room all the time... She didn’t want to leave the bathroom. She didn’t want anything anymore. She was lost. She looked into a mirror. Her lifeless eyes got filled with tears. She was staring at a completely unknown human being hating her own body, hating her own beauty, hating everything about herself. Her heart started to ache. The whole body was already aching so that didn’t matter that much... She closed her eyes wishing never to see that used body of hers again. It was over now. She had given him all he had wanted of hers. Unwillingly. Even though he had threatened her life and the lives of her family and her boyfriend. Even though she had had no choice. Even though... So many “even thoughs” were there but no, she didn’t care for her life – she was ready to die – she simply cared, perhaps for the first time in her life, for the lives of the others... It was that precious moment when she began – yes, she really did – to appreciate feelings. Real feelings. It was the moment when understanding suddenly came to her, understanding she had never known before. With that emptiness she got tons of another feelings, real feelings, feelings for other people. No, her life didn’t mean anything now – now she knew that she could sacrifice her own life which was so unworthy of living now for the sake of the others. She suddenly found the meaning of life.
Morning turned into evening, evening into night and into a new day, which in its turn disappeared forgotten among weeks, months and now years. She wrote about it all in her diary. Did it help? Yes, in a way. She got relief. She kept it inside of her for quite a time – until she actually met someone feeling the same. Someone. That someone, that precious girl, gave her an unforgettable experience of her own pain until... until one day when she, that girl, couldn’t stand it any longer and left...
She was alone now. Psychologists couldn’t help her – she was deeply drowned in herself. So she spent a year. Then appeared someone really special for her. Someone who began his therapy slowly, carefully capturing her heart. She couldn’t wait any longer. She wanted to give up sorrow, she wanted to throw her loneliness and emptiness so far away, and she let him creep into her. And she told him the greatest secret she had. And she waited. For what? For a word of comfort, for understanding, she felt now that just one word could be of such great help; she waited for an embrace and for the key, the only key which could unlock her heartache and let it free... She would then become a new person, she would then become someone worth, someone who would be grateful during life-time but... she looked into his eyes and realized, realized suddenly that the dream she had been building for so long was unexpectedly crashing down. The star had darkened. She couldn’t understand the reason, she desperately tried to find the answer, the explanation for his reaction – or sooner for the absence of his reaction... There was none. And he left. He left. He left her. With double pain.
There was someone else in her life. His arrival, too, took some time. She was afraid. She didn’t know what to say, what to think, what to feel. She wasn’t ready. Her tongue acted for her. It didn’t stop for a minute – it told the whole truth in a breath, without waiting for her permission. She couldn’t help it, but the only thing which was so unusual about that story was that she was completely frozen when telling it, she stared into blankness feeling nothing, willing nothing – only to get through it as soon as possible. And then again, the reaction not only surprised her, no, it made her stuck. He looked at her for a while and then evenly said, “I don’t believe a word. You’ve never seen a really raped woman.” Her heart squeezed in fire and coldness... He didn’t believe. Psychiatrists and psychologists did. But they – they mean so little! Two dearest persons in the whole world turned their back on her. Two dearest persons turned into dust and disappeared. Two dearest persons turned out to be selfish. She could believe it. She didn’t dare to believe. She still wanted to believe in love and understanding. She still wanted to live. To live for someone. Only those someones didn’t want to live for her...
Two years passed. Yes, she’s still living. She will live. Until the God wishes to take her life from her. She will live with her pain. Yes, she lives. Only a bit less than before. She goes out, emptied and spiritually disappeared. She eats, and talks, and meets people, and – yes, laughs. She lets those remnants of laughter leave her from time to time. But why, why? She knows, there are thousands of others, who live a similar life, who let life float, who don’t see any colours of this life, even the black and white merged into the grey...
There is no way to stop it. Police can’t stop it, state can’t stop it, laws can’t stop it. And we live with it. The whole life got spoilt because someone was in a hurry and couldn’t wait for a girl who would give him what he wants willingly. Life goes on. Life still beats inside those who once went through what is known as rape. You may not believe, no one and nothing can make you believe if you don’t want, but those girls, they are the victims and they can’t be used and thrown away twice or thrice, especially when the inner life is at stake – what is an ordinary life in comparison with the whole inner world? A life can be taken once, painfully or not – it depends, but since it is taken the person isn’t suffering any longer. But the disturbed or even destroyed and ruined inner world will stay inside forever... and no one will be able to change it, no one... And the person will become double-faced living in two different worlds, one “our” world and one her own, and nobody will be allowed in... Or the person will close herself for the “real” world – if that “real” world doesn’t want her and pressures her, she will live in that self-made empty world all by herself...